When it comes to weight and body dysmorphia, we cyclists can go toe-to-toe with any thirteen year old tween who has done their time flipping through the pages of Vogue and Sixteen. However fit and thin we might be, at some point it dawns on us that we’re not as light as we could be. The obvious solution is to buy lighter parts for our bikes, but eventually we will run out of parts to buy or money to spend. At that point, we’ll have no alternative but to start losing weight.
On the surface, this is a fairly simple matter; calories in minus calories out is the magic to any weight loss voodoo, right up to the point where it stops working because the “calories in” part deviates from our lifestyle or our metabolism decides we’re old and that since everything else is slowing down, it should too.
It is at this juncture that we ask ourselves how we can lose those kilos that seem unwilling to melt from our bodies. The answer varies depending on your lifestyle, body type, how loud your Awesome is, and your ideal riding weight. (By the way, similarly to the number of bikes to own, your ideal riding weight is one kilo less than your current weight, or weight ideal = weight current – 1). But assuming that you enjoy eating, alcohol, or anything else that doesn’t suck, it will require doing something drastic.
My journey through weight loss started with doing everything the same but riding more until that program stalled, and then I started doing sit-ups and leg lifts, both of which meet the aforementioned suck requirement. And then I cut back on beer and wine, which sucks even more, but that’s when things really started happening. A surprising side-effect of cutting down on booze, by the way, is that although you get less charismatic, you feel better in general and sleep better in addition to losing weight. It turns out that alcohol is a poison or something. Who knew?
But now that my V-Jersey isn’t stretched like a balloon on a pumpkin, I’ve moved on to worrying about my upper body, which is bigger than a typical cyclist’s thanks to 15 or so years of nordic ski racing. Which brings me to Ullrich’s sleeves. I have always had it in my mind that Jan and I are of similar physique, aside from the quads and calves and the devilishly good looks. But my stupid sleeves are always tight, and his were always loose. I take off my jersey, and sure enough, there’s that little mark that the sleeves made on each of my arms. Infuriating. The only solution is to focus completely on wasting my upper body into nothing.
Since I’m not doing anything outrageous like routinely lifting weighty objects or doing pushups, the only conclusion I can draw is that I’m carrying too many groceries into the house at once. I’ve therefor moved to a strict regimen of only carrying one gallon of milk at a time. It takes twice as long to unload the car that way, but all that walking is good for my cardio, you just have to push through the pain. I also alternate hands every few strides if I’ve parked more than a hundred meters from the house in order to avoid becoming lopsided.
Finally, if this latest program doesn’t work out as well as I expect it to, I’ve also realized that while carbohydrates are an athlete’s friend in terms of providing easy energy to burn during a workout, they are heavy on the fork, and repetitively lifting forkloads of pasta into my mouth may be what’s causing my shoulders to bulk up unnecessarily. I’m therefor on the lookout for a healthy food source that can be drank from a straw or something in pellet form that I can peck out of a bowl.
It’s drastic, sure, but drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’m determined to get there eventually.
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@unversio that's pretty brilliant!
Thinking about it more, I reckon UCI should just release a statement saying something like "we continue to recognize Armstrong's wins. He has been subjected to an investigation far beyond the scope of that applied to any other cyclist. We acknowledge that cycling has had its problems with drugs and Armstrong's victories occurred during a very difficult phase of the sport... blah blah.
This would actually suggest that its likely every other fvcker wa"s on it too so if they all copped the same level of scrutiny we are all farked. So without casting aspersions on individuals, lets leave it as is... But they would never be that ballsy.
They can't award to Tours to others - if they decide not to give Jan his wins, then they need to give one to Vino, etc etc.
Or maybe they just go down the list until we find Aussies - maybe Robbie and Stuey. Because I know my own kind never doped. Just like Tyler was innocent because he was so nice.
Lance should pull an Otter during the USADA proceedings.
An Otter!
@mcsqueak
I'm here in photos should you care to dig around.
@Marcus
I'm not sure they'll have to leak anything. As COTHO2 has decided to go to arbitration, a lot of the testimony will be made public anyway.
@unversio very good. How i love that film. However Lance and US Postal are probably more Omega guys (Lance a combo of Greg Marmalard and Doug Nedermeyer) than Delta guys.
Interestingly, Nedermeyer was killed by his own troops in Vietnam. Lance has been done over by his (albeit unwillingly).
@Marcus Well then, if Lance will just wear a Red Plaid Sports Jacket. That would be enough.
@Marcus
Wholeheartedly agree, there's no way any of the others can be legitimately listed as the winners of those tours...
BUT the only problem with this situation is that it relies on the UCI to take a sensible course of action, something they've continuously shown that they're unable to do when Pharmstrong is involved.
@Marcus
Hell, Lance should just go with an all out Bluto in the end
It'll probably happen when the head of the UCI changes though - I can see a clean broom CEO dealing with the issue in about 6-7 years when people give less of a fuck, and it's had a few more years to unwind, slowly and painfully for the sport.
Fuck Pat.