When it comes to weight and body dysmorphia, we cyclists can go toe-to-toe with any thirteen year old tween who has done their time flipping through the pages of Vogue and Sixteen. However fit and thin we might be, at some point it dawns on us that we’re not as light as we could be. The obvious solution is to buy lighter parts for our bikes, but eventually we will run out of parts to buy or money to spend. At that point, we’ll have no alternative but to start losing weight.
On the surface, this is a fairly simple matter; calories in minus calories out is the magic to any weight loss voodoo, right up to the point where it stops working because the “calories in” part deviates from our lifestyle or our metabolism decides we’re old and that since everything else is slowing down, it should too.
It is at this juncture that we ask ourselves how we can lose those kilos that seem unwilling to melt from our bodies. The answer varies depending on your lifestyle, body type, how loud your Awesome is, and your ideal riding weight. (By the way, similarly to the number of bikes to own, your ideal riding weight is one kilo less than your current weight, or weight ideal = weight current – 1). But assuming that you enjoy eating, alcohol, or anything else that doesn’t suck, it will require doing something drastic.
My journey through weight loss started with doing everything the same but riding more until that program stalled, and then I started doing sit-ups and leg lifts, both of which meet the aforementioned suck requirement. And then I cut back on beer and wine, which sucks even more, but that’s when things really started happening. A surprising side-effect of cutting down on booze, by the way, is that although you get less charismatic, you feel better in general and sleep better in addition to losing weight. It turns out that alcohol is a poison or something. Who knew?
But now that my V-Jersey isn’t stretched like a balloon on a pumpkin, I’ve moved on to worrying about my upper body, which is bigger than a typical cyclist’s thanks to 15 or so years of nordic ski racing. Which brings me to Ullrich’s sleeves. I have always had it in my mind that Jan and I are of similar physique, aside from the quads and calves and the devilishly good looks. But my stupid sleeves are always tight, and his were always loose. I take off my jersey, and sure enough, there’s that little mark that the sleeves made on each of my arms. Infuriating. The only solution is to focus completely on wasting my upper body into nothing.
Since I’m not doing anything outrageous like routinely lifting weighty objects or doing pushups, the only conclusion I can draw is that I’m carrying too many groceries into the house at once. I’ve therefor moved to a strict regimen of only carrying one gallon of milk at a time. It takes twice as long to unload the car that way, but all that walking is good for my cardio, you just have to push through the pain. I also alternate hands every few strides if I’ve parked more than a hundred meters from the house in order to avoid becoming lopsided.
Finally, if this latest program doesn’t work out as well as I expect it to, I’ve also realized that while carbohydrates are an athlete’s friend in terms of providing easy energy to burn during a workout, they are heavy on the fork, and repetitively lifting forkloads of pasta into my mouth may be what’s causing my shoulders to bulk up unnecessarily. I’m therefor on the lookout for a healthy food source that can be drank from a straw or something in pellet form that I can peck out of a bowl.
It’s drastic, sure, but drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’m determined to get there eventually.
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@brett
That makes absolutely no sense... You're not mad that he doped, but you're mad that he doped? Bottom line, Lance did what everyone else did... he trained hard, took some dope, and rode his bike. He just managed to train better, dope better, and ride better than anyone else did for 7 Tours. The guy may be a world class douche, he may be a world class saint.. it's not relevant to cycling. He was the best doper in a field of dopers. Lance Armstrong didn't invent the doping culture, he just mastered it.
@minion
How is it that you don't see that 'chapter' as already closed? Unless Wiggo or Evans comes up dirty and unless you count traces of clenbuterol as a real PED, I'd say the sport is pretty clean right now... Seems to me that this whole case, if anything, reopened a closed chapter and exposed cycling in a very negative way to the public eye that doesn't accurately reflect the state of the modern sport. The casual observer is going to read on this and think less of Teejay Vangardaren or Taylor Phinney assuming that all cyclists are dopers when it's a pretty safe bet those kids are riding clean. This whole case is a joke... no resources for doping controls at the AToC but resources to chase down a retired doper a decade after the fact, way to waste tax payer funds.
@Leroy
I think you just agreed with me. He wasn't the best rider, or even a Tour contender. Dope made him what he is.
@brett
No... they were all doped so the dope essentially negates itself. Lance wasn't winning doped up against other clean riders skewing the results is my point. Had they all been clean, maybe Lance wins 4 Tours instead of 7 but he still wins. There's a lot more to building a Tour winner than a few syringes and you're kidding yourself if you think otherwise. Gene doping didn't exist back then so there was no reshaping yourself through dope.. doping while training like a fiend, sure (which is what everyone else did too)... but there was no GK1516/AICAR combos back then which could yield any lasting results to be consider solely responsible for his transformation.
I need to read this side more...where have I been...
Nice article Frank.
I've been trying to rid myself of extra weight for the last year...it has become and obsession like nothing I've ever known before.
I think a powermeter may be the best next step...it's a serious rule violation but as you said desparate times call for desparate measures.
@Leroy
I disagree... first, Armstrong is still involved - he was racing triathlons and is involved in the RSNT team, and who's to say he wouldn't set up his own team etc. Plus the case was not only about Armstrong but about 5 others who are all active, including Ferrari and Bruyneel, so it very much touches on the sport today.
Secondly, and more fundamentally, it accurately reflects the state of cycling by exposing the corruption, neglect and general incompetence which characterises the administration of the sport. The way the UCI has overseen this whole sorry saga for the last 20 years, failed to deal with it, failed to recognise conflicts of interest and failed to support those who seek to get rid of the culture is a joke. It has been interesting that a number of comments about the Armstrong case, especially from some high-profile ex-pros have been very critical of the UCI.
They may not have planted the evil root, but they have tended it, watered it and eaten the fruits of it and if they now choke on its poison then an even bigger prize than Armstrong's scalp will have been achieved.
@Sauterelle
Fuckin Awesome!
Also, if you have some time, it's worth reading this interview done with Dr Michael Ashenden where he categorically states that Lance Doped with EPO to win the 1999 Tour.
here
@ChrisO
O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/havent-we-all-done-steroids-in-a-way,29317/
@Leroy
Heard how doping turns donkeys into racehorses?
http://www.bicycling.com/garmin-insider/featured-stories/exclusive-interview-vaughters-reveals-more-about-his-doping-and-new-?page=0,3