When it comes to weight and body dysmorphia, we cyclists can go toe-to-toe with any thirteen year old tween who has done their time flipping through the pages of Vogue and Sixteen. However fit and thin we might be, at some point it dawns on us that we’re not as light as we could be. The obvious solution is to buy lighter parts for our bikes, but eventually we will run out of parts to buy or money to spend. At that point, we’ll have no alternative but to start losing weight.
On the surface, this is a fairly simple matter; calories in minus calories out is the magic to any weight loss voodoo, right up to the point where it stops working because the “calories in” part deviates from our lifestyle or our metabolism decides we’re old and that since everything else is slowing down, it should too.
It is at this juncture that we ask ourselves how we can lose those kilos that seem unwilling to melt from our bodies. The answer varies depending on your lifestyle, body type, how loud your Awesome is, and your ideal riding weight. (By the way, similarly to the number of bikes to own, your ideal riding weight is one kilo less than your current weight, or weight ideal = weight current – 1). But assuming that you enjoy eating, alcohol, or anything else that doesn’t suck, it will require doing something drastic.
My journey through weight loss started with doing everything the same but riding more until that program stalled, and then I started doing sit-ups and leg lifts, both of which meet the aforementioned suck requirement. And then I cut back on beer and wine, which sucks even more, but that’s when things really started happening. A surprising side-effect of cutting down on booze, by the way, is that although you get less charismatic, you feel better in general and sleep better in addition to losing weight. It turns out that alcohol is a poison or something. Who knew?
But now that my V-Jersey isn’t stretched like a balloon on a pumpkin, I’ve moved on to worrying about my upper body, which is bigger than a typical cyclist’s thanks to 15 or so years of nordic ski racing. Which brings me to Ullrich’s sleeves. I have always had it in my mind that Jan and I are of similar physique, aside from the quads and calves and the devilishly good looks. But my stupid sleeves are always tight, and his were always loose. I take off my jersey, and sure enough, there’s that little mark that the sleeves made on each of my arms. Infuriating. The only solution is to focus completely on wasting my upper body into nothing.
Since I’m not doing anything outrageous like routinely lifting weighty objects or doing pushups, the only conclusion I can draw is that I’m carrying too many groceries into the house at once. I’ve therefor moved to a strict regimen of only carrying one gallon of milk at a time. It takes twice as long to unload the car that way, but all that walking is good for my cardio, you just have to push through the pain. I also alternate hands every few strides if I’ve parked more than a hundred meters from the house in order to avoid becoming lopsided.
Finally, if this latest program doesn’t work out as well as I expect it to, I’ve also realized that while carbohydrates are an athlete’s friend in terms of providing easy energy to burn during a workout, they are heavy on the fork, and repetitively lifting forkloads of pasta into my mouth may be what’s causing my shoulders to bulk up unnecessarily. I’m therefor on the lookout for a healthy food source that can be drank from a straw or something in pellet form that I can peck out of a bowl.
It’s drastic, sure, but drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’m determined to get there eventually.
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Since Marko went there first http://www.theonion.com/articles/lance-armstrong-lets-down-single-person-who-still,29313/
"Everything is Fucked up! It's all coming down!" -- video
F-F-Fuck it! This link is shitty and links to a shitty video (that is humorous for DEVO) and...
In the last paragraph of this article, Cycling News reports that the power output of Wiggo and Froome in the TdF was comparable to that of heavy dopers in the late 90's and 00's:
http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/report-armstrong-warned-before-all-doping-controls
@ChrisO
Actually, Lance isn't involved with RSNT at all... though he does already have "his own team" Bontrager-Livestrong... one of the better developmental squads in the peloton, and one that's consistently producing CLEAN young riders. And, like Lance, all other parties named who are still involved are racing clean now... Ferrari is far from currently active on a large scale and is a known doping doc, Bruyneel is fielding clean teams just like everyone else is these days. You're singling out people you don't like and demonizing them while giving others a pass. What about Vaughters... you link to his article but he doped too. Shouldn't he be banned from life and prevented from running a team? But just because he admitted it and moved on, he's somehow OK...? At this point, EVERYONE has turned the page on the doping era, including the guys who still don't admit to doping... Chosing a select few of those individuals to persecute, LONG after the fact while failing to conduct your basic duties to screen and monitor for doping in the events happening right now today is a FAILURE on USADA's part. I don't give a shit if Lance doped... the whole field was doped and it does nothing to change history. If you're serious about being anti-doping and having a clean sport, get over the decades old hard-on for riders you hate and focus on making the sport clean right now today.
Just like Lance didn't invent the doping culture in which he partook... he isn't going to pop up now to invent a new doping culture. That's the same insane witch hunt logic that Tygart uses. Lance got to the pro's and found out that the top guys were doping so he started doping. Just as his meticulous approach to training and riding helped him avoid injury and accident on the road, his meticulous approach to doping allowed him to make great gains and avoid detection. Period, end of story. Lance didn't bring the drugs to the party. He didn't start a massive doping ring. He wasn't some pusher-man out there getting kids hooked... to demonize him is to turn a blind eye to the severity of the problem at the time.
However broken you or I think the UCI is, you don't fix that by stripping Lance of Tour titles... No change will come about from this case. Your last statement there really shows how heavily biased your anti-Lance opinion is though... you clearly just hate the man and aren't basing your decision on reason. He's not gonna choke on any poison. There's still going to be lots of court room time spent before any titles are even lost and regardless of what happens in the end... his fame isn't based on being a Tour winner any longer, he's moved far beyond it. Nike, his largest sponsor, already announced that they were keeping him on regardless of outcome.... Miller just re'uped for a new Lance commercial... Also, no one remembers who came in second a decade ago... Hell, no one remembers that Andy actually won the Tour just two years ago... Alberto got it on the road just like Lance and whatever's written isn't going to change a thing. Lance, win or lose, will be just fine...
@minion
Except that doping doesn't turn "donkeys into racehorses"... I hate to break it to you my friend but there isn't a chance in hell you could even hang with the group at the Tour regardless of how much EPO you're taking unless you're an extremely well trained and physically gifted athelete... PERIOD. Suggesting that you can use doping to turn a "donkey" into a "racehorse" is flat out ignorant. Even today, with massive gains made in genetic manipulation technology, where we can actually 'gene'-dope and modify our underlying physical predisposition you can't take a physically untalented rider and make them a champion. You can't take a rider who isnt' willing to train hard and dope him into being a champion. This is what you guys are missing... doping doesn't make a shit rider a great rider. It makes a great rider a even greater rider. Doping saved Lance from some bad days on the road... over 7 years he should've had a day or two where his body didn't react well to one thing or another, elevation or temperature or whatever. The doping kept that from happening... That's it. He may have won three Tours, or four, maybe even five, without doping... the doping took him from being a multiple Tour winner to being a legendary Tour winner. It didn't, as many people seem to think, turn a classics rider into a legendary Tour rider. If that was the case, if it was as easy as just doing the right drugs, why didn't Hincapie take the same program all those years he was with Lance? He doped and supposedly testified to doping with Lance so they presumably had access tot he same products...
@G'rilla
Wow, interesting find. They were definitely suspiciously dominant.
@DerHoggz
Yep, shocked too! As a said on a post earlier I assumed that the average person presumed his guilt (as it seems pretty obvious) talking with some in-laws today and they still "doubt that he doped". Man is bulletproof to the average non cycling fan American (which is most of our population)
@brett
Really?! I'd never heard that. I thought he was douchey, but at least tried to do right with Livestrong....like pentance or something....very sad indeed.
Sorry for the long ass post, but wanted the words to be here, not just the link. Saw this on Ritte and though it doesn't fit my position to a "T", there's a lot of points here that I do agree with...especially the parts about the millions of self righteous posts from all knowing amateur cyclists and cycling fans across the interwebs:
From Rittecycling.com
http://rittecycles.com/lance-armstrong/
Did Lance dope? According to USADA yes. According to the "secret" eye witnesses yes. According to every amateur cyclist who has ever ridden 150km two days in a row and thinks "Look man I've done a couple long days back to back and there's NO WAY these dudes aren't riding juiced. I was exhausted. And I could have gone pro in '92 if it weren't for all those Brett Easton Ellis books I read.". Anyone who follows the sport and realizes that Phil and Paul have been replaced with an online Phil and Paul soundboard operated by a NBC intern knows that doping was RAMPANT in the 90"²s and 2000"²s. It wasn't just a practice reserved strictly for the richest, highest profile stars. If you wanted to compete, actually if you wanted to finish professional bike races during that period of time you were taking something. Most of you already know that nearly everyone that was on the podium in Paris at that time has in one way or another been connected to doping. It was as much part of the sport as a teary Richard Virenque. Oh and remember what he was up to then?
Doping will undoubtedly make you a faster cyclist, no argument there. What doping won't do though is make you win the Tour de France 7 times in a row. A higher hematocrit doesn't instill in someone a maniacal drive to not just succeed but dominate. HGH doesn't help you climb back from the edge of near certain death and come back to the sport you love to not just compete but win. Corticosteroids don't lift you off the tarmac on Luz Ardiden and propel you to victory. All those things will make you faster, they don't make you win. Cycling is not some magical sport where as soon as a red blood cell agitating needle touches your vein you're vaulted into the ranks of legends. Cycling is like every other sport in existence, there are amateurs and professionals. The professionals are so much better than the amateurs that it is literally impossible for us to understand the scope of their competitive level. All of the pharmaceuticals in the world aren't going to turn me into a professional bike racer let alone a multiple Tour champion. There is a reason there are so few dominant athletes across the sporting spectrum. They all share a insatiable ferocity that equates losing with failure. It is not enough to just win, they must destroy. Jordan, Federer, Woods, Schumacher and Merckx (who tested positive let's remember) all athletes who relished the opportunity to exhibit the superiority of their talent. The list of sporting legends is short because becoming one is so damn impossible. Doping doesn't make champions otherwise I would have been on the cover of Wheaties boxes years ago.
Lance not only did something which has never been done in cycling but he also was the reason so many of you probably even know what the sport is right now. And rather than fading into mild obscurity only to emerge selling half decent bikes with his name emblazoned across the down tube like so many other past champions he funneled his fame and efforts into a cause that affects nearly each and every one of us at some level. Does doping change the fact that he beat cancer? Does doping change the fact that he decided he wouldn't die? Does cancer give a shit if he doped? And before you talk about how his inspiration was fueled by deception lets just remember that World War II was ended by an lifelong alcoholic and a rampant philanderer. They did know a thing or two about great quotes though.
So while it seems that so many of you are so happy with this decision and relieved that we can finally move forward I sit here (in a Hermes scarf and Dolce slippers of course) sad. Sad for the sport and sad for a great champion. Because this embarrassing USADA charade masked in "unbiased fairness" has done nothing to clean up cycling. It has sullied it further. It's the frothing at the mouth, pitchfork wielding mob who upon finally burning down the subject of their ire are left standing around a smoldering pile of smoke and ashes that lies on the front steps of their own house. Nothing will change because of this and if so many of you are so happy to see this outcome then I suggest you quit watching professional cycling altogether. It's not cleaner now than it was, the sport will always have cheats and the science will always be one step ahead of the piss cups. This is a black eye for cycling, let's just hope there's enough ice to stop the swelling.
@LA Dave Great read... Couldn't agree more.