When it comes to weight and body dysmorphia, we cyclists can go toe-to-toe with any thirteen year old tween who has done their time flipping through the pages of Vogue and Sixteen. However fit and thin we might be, at some point it dawns on us that we’re not as light as we could be. The obvious solution is to buy lighter parts for our bikes, but eventually we will run out of parts to buy or money to spend. At that point, we’ll have no alternative but to start losing weight.
On the surface, this is a fairly simple matter; calories in minus calories out is the magic to any weight loss voodoo, right up to the point where it stops working because the “calories in” part deviates from our lifestyle or our metabolism decides we’re old and that since everything else is slowing down, it should too.
It is at this juncture that we ask ourselves how we can lose those kilos that seem unwilling to melt from our bodies. The answer varies depending on your lifestyle, body type, how loud your Awesome is, and your ideal riding weight. (By the way, similarly to the number of bikes to own, your ideal riding weight is one kilo less than your current weight, or weight ideal = weight current – 1). But assuming that you enjoy eating, alcohol, or anything else that doesn’t suck, it will require doing something drastic.
My journey through weight loss started with doing everything the same but riding more until that program stalled, and then I started doing sit-ups and leg lifts, both of which meet the aforementioned suck requirement. And then I cut back on beer and wine, which sucks even more, but that’s when things really started happening. A surprising side-effect of cutting down on booze, by the way, is that although you get less charismatic, you feel better in general and sleep better in addition to losing weight. It turns out that alcohol is a poison or something. Who knew?
But now that my V-Jersey isn’t stretched like a balloon on a pumpkin, I’ve moved on to worrying about my upper body, which is bigger than a typical cyclist’s thanks to 15 or so years of nordic ski racing. Which brings me to Ullrich’s sleeves. I have always had it in my mind that Jan and I are of similar physique, aside from the quads and calves and the devilishly good looks. But my stupid sleeves are always tight, and his were always loose. I take off my jersey, and sure enough, there’s that little mark that the sleeves made on each of my arms. Infuriating. The only solution is to focus completely on wasting my upper body into nothing.
Since I’m not doing anything outrageous like routinely lifting weighty objects or doing pushups, the only conclusion I can draw is that I’m carrying too many groceries into the house at once. I’ve therefor moved to a strict regimen of only carrying one gallon of milk at a time. It takes twice as long to unload the car that way, but all that walking is good for my cardio, you just have to push through the pain. I also alternate hands every few strides if I’ve parked more than a hundred meters from the house in order to avoid becoming lopsided.
Finally, if this latest program doesn’t work out as well as I expect it to, I’ve also realized that while carbohydrates are an athlete’s friend in terms of providing easy energy to burn during a workout, they are heavy on the fork, and repetitively lifting forkloads of pasta into my mouth may be what’s causing my shoulders to bulk up unnecessarily. I’m therefor on the lookout for a healthy food source that can be drank from a straw or something in pellet form that I can peck out of a bowl.
It’s drastic, sure, but drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’m determined to get there eventually.
I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…
Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…
The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…
Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…
This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…
I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…
View Comments
@imakecircles
Several of us are planning to do it, though I'm still on the fence pending some other obligations. It would be fun to have a little beer-guzzling and pizza chowing as a V-Group after the ride!
@frank
I feel the same. Lance has done some cool stuff for a friend of mine that is going thru her 3rd different type of cancer at 21 y/o. I liked watching him race in the pre-cancer days. I'd met him at a stage race in Oregon when he was a amateur on Motorola. His ego barely fit in the state.
Like Frank and others, the drug use isn't my problem with him; it's how he bulldozed everyone around him I guess. Had he stayed retired, and not tried to pull a "Michael Jordan" with all the ruckus with Contador (who's bright idea was that anyway?), things probably would have been different for him.
All that said, one of my favorite race finishes is when he won the World Champs. The way he attacked and buried a stacked field was impressive.
@Dan_R
I am awesome! (Let's shed this talk of "Lance" and get on with talking about climbing weight!
I killed my climb up to my house today and friggen Strava didn't track it. I tracked the rest of my ride but not the only climb I was able to ride sure la plaque fucktards! It was all about how awesome I am and regaining my KOM from the one other twat that rides that hill! Probably juiced...
@Dan_R
Hellyeah! But this is also a great example of why Strava can be frustrating; if you didn't have that KOM you were going after, wouldn't you feel great about your climb? But your computer crapped out and that's overshadowing your great ride.
Sur la Plaque - its what its all about. Rule 90 or bust.
I feel similar, Frank ... didn't like him when he was 16 and stinking up the multi-sport world. The doping and relentless vilification of those doing the right thing for the sport is just confirmation that my hatred is not only justified, but necessary. Pharmstrong is the worst of all offenders... not for what he did on the bike while doped up, but for how he acts off the bike in the face truth. Accountability can be a beautiful thing... a true hardman would find a way to man-the-fuck-up and take responsibility for his actions.
@frank I still feel pretty good about the effort, regardless of what Strava says. Bunch of douchebags. Now I know why I never got a garmin. I use my GSP on my blackberry.
I spent the weekend in Banff riding some of the lower climbs - Tunnel Mountain and Mt. Norquay, so I came home this week thinking I was fucking Pantani.
@frank
Agreed, I have opened a can of worms where I work, as I have put them all onto Strava. All the YJA's there now constantly point out the (few) koms I have been losing to my kom stalker. I just use it all to track progress, the enjoyment of the ride always comes first for me.
I can't climb. Period. Hills and rollers yes. BIG hills and mountains no. But I on the weekend I was able to stay with my group the whole time (except for the trek up the mountain). And it is definitely not a flat ride. No falling off the back, not a once. Climbing weight be damned!
@Dan_R
Word up to that. Strava is a great tool - don't get me wrong. Its a great way to measure yourself against the only thing that matters: yourself. And, if you get a KOM, then shit, how cool is that? But I got sucked in, and spend a few months overtraining as I rode every day like it was a race, trying to better my own segments and getting KOMs all over town.
But when training properly, you have a few targets along the road that you train towards, and you work up to them. I keep all my rides private and study them to see how I'm doing. When I feel I'm up to killing it one day, I'll drill it and see how I'm doing on the segments I care about. I keep most of them private, except where I take a KOM or do a major ride like a Cogal or some such. The rest is just for me to consume and study.
That's the way for me to maximally enjoy the service. Just my view. Oh, and GPS stats are usually a few km/h slower than people riding with sensors, so keep that in mind.
@girl
That, sister, is all about The V and Dime. Weight, BMI, all that stuff is great, but it goes out the window when you need to Survive on V.