When it comes to weight and body dysmorphia, we cyclists can go toe-to-toe with any thirteen year old tween who has done their time flipping through the pages of Vogue and Sixteen. However fit and thin we might be, at some point it dawns on us that we’re not as light as we could be. The obvious solution is to buy lighter parts for our bikes, but eventually we will run out of parts to buy or money to spend. At that point, we’ll have no alternative but to start losing weight.
On the surface, this is a fairly simple matter; calories in minus calories out is the magic to any weight loss voodoo, right up to the point where it stops working because the “calories in” part deviates from our lifestyle or our metabolism decides we’re old and that since everything else is slowing down, it should too.
It is at this juncture that we ask ourselves how we can lose those kilos that seem unwilling to melt from our bodies. The answer varies depending on your lifestyle, body type, how loud your Awesome is, and your ideal riding weight. (By the way, similarly to the number of bikes to own, your ideal riding weight is one kilo less than your current weight, or weight ideal = weight current – 1). But assuming that you enjoy eating, alcohol, or anything else that doesn’t suck, it will require doing something drastic.
My journey through weight loss started with doing everything the same but riding more until that program stalled, and then I started doing sit-ups and leg lifts, both of which meet the aforementioned suck requirement. And then I cut back on beer and wine, which sucks even more, but that’s when things really started happening. A surprising side-effect of cutting down on booze, by the way, is that although you get less charismatic, you feel better in general and sleep better in addition to losing weight. It turns out that alcohol is a poison or something. Who knew?
But now that my V-Jersey isn’t stretched like a balloon on a pumpkin, I’ve moved on to worrying about my upper body, which is bigger than a typical cyclist’s thanks to 15 or so years of nordic ski racing. Which brings me to Ullrich’s sleeves. I have always had it in my mind that Jan and I are of similar physique, aside from the quads and calves and the devilishly good looks. But my stupid sleeves are always tight, and his were always loose. I take off my jersey, and sure enough, there’s that little mark that the sleeves made on each of my arms. Infuriating. The only solution is to focus completely on wasting my upper body into nothing.
Since I’m not doing anything outrageous like routinely lifting weighty objects or doing pushups, the only conclusion I can draw is that I’m carrying too many groceries into the house at once. I’ve therefor moved to a strict regimen of only carrying one gallon of milk at a time. It takes twice as long to unload the car that way, but all that walking is good for my cardio, you just have to push through the pain. I also alternate hands every few strides if I’ve parked more than a hundred meters from the house in order to avoid becoming lopsided.
Finally, if this latest program doesn’t work out as well as I expect it to, I’ve also realized that while carbohydrates are an athlete’s friend in terms of providing easy energy to burn during a workout, they are heavy on the fork, and repetitively lifting forkloads of pasta into my mouth may be what’s causing my shoulders to bulk up unnecessarily. I’m therefor on the lookout for a healthy food source that can be drank from a straw or something in pellet form that I can peck out of a bowl.
It’s drastic, sure, but drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’m determined to get there eventually.
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@Mikael Liddy actually, just to save some time, click here. My favorite thing on the internet
@Marcus I'll save that one til after the boss leaves for the day but I'm assuming that's where most of your inspiration comes from?
On a slightly more civil topic, any chance you & a few of your Melbournite friends are trekking over here for the TDU in Jan? Daccordi Rider & I are in the early stages of putting together a bit of a Cogal for the Sunday before the race starts.
@Marcus
That was beautiful. Full Metal Jacket was in there three times.
@Marko
You have lost weight? God damn it. You are already a skinny bantam rooster fightin' wiry mongoose. You will take Mac Mark to the cleaners in Belgium. You, losing weight, fuck off.
@Frank, you have opened a real can-o-worms here. Cyclists and their weight. Have you seen these guys in real life, they look like shit. As Marcus so aptly put it, Biafrans with a shit tan. That's funny stuff.
@Marko
I guess you can read into my hostile response...I have not lost weigh.
Timely article!
Is there anything to be said for a happy medium which is not just an excuse for being fat? I am talking about a more well-rounded appearance, perhaps more Boonenesque than Contadorian.
I'm currently sitting at 175cm and 69kg, which I'm fairly satisfied with, but I am bothered that my stomach could be a little flatter. To that end, I have been working on my upper body in the gym. The reasoning behind this approach being that increased muscle mass burns fat more efficiently during exercise, which should help to cut down the visceral fat hiding behind my abs. And besides being preferred by most ladies, a little muscle looks better in the jersey, and more intimidating to other riders, be it moreso in the way of a rouleur than a true grimpeur. Also, I definitely noticed that cessation of alcohol consumption resulted in a marked improvement in my belly-bulge-to-pectoral-protrusion ratio.
The rule of thumb cited by Le-Grimpeur and others concerning cycling weight seems sensible to me: 2.1 - 2.4 lbs per inch of height being optimal, with sub 2.1 being the true grimpeur's territory. Boonen is around 2.36, and Contador 2.01. Somewhere in the middle of those two would seem to be a sweet spot. My 2.2 looks good on paper, but the ratio of muscle-to-fat is what needs work.
@Mikael Liddy I would love to and thanks for asking, but am unlikely at this stage...
@Velosophe 175cm and 69kg and you are working on your upper body? What are you working on? Its location?
@Marcus
Hah! I suppose so. Ideally a relocation of some 'equatorial mass' a bit more northward, along with an increase in strength. Perhaps it will make for a more impressive Millarcopter when the time comes...
@unversio
The black wristband is the secret of his success - although now I have one it doesn't seem to be working quite as quickly as I'd like
Well, Thor is my height and 79 kgs, so I've set that as an arbitrary target weight. I'm more roleur than grimpeur any day... and more slug than roleur...
Climbing weight? Racing weight? Winter weight? Pah. All year long at 66kg, 1.88m - haters gonna hate.
My metabolism is insane (as is everyone's in the family), and I've always been a skeleton. In fact, since I took up cycling some 18 months ago, I bulked up significantly. The extra 4kg are mostly muscle-mass in the legs, but my torso and arms also gained - they are now defined by muscle, rather than bones and the contours of internal organs.
I've confessed elsewhere that I'm a Sandwicher, but the extra time spent swimming and running helps to create a more balanced physique - while my shoulders are not Scozzoli's, they do look slightly more proportional to my quads compared to last year. Cattlebells, while too embarrassing to ever be used publicly, are also a very effective training tool.
Gave the BFGs a fresh coat of paint on my birthday:
There's nothing better than seeing Peaking Dimples on your quads. 2500m of climbing over three calm, relaxed days, alternating between cycling, eating fine cheeses, and escaping the desert heat into the pool.