When it comes to weight and body dysmorphia, we cyclists can go toe-to-toe with any thirteen year old tween who has done their time flipping through the pages of Vogue and Sixteen. However fit and thin we might be, at some point it dawns on us that we’re not as light as we could be. The obvious solution is to buy lighter parts for our bikes, but eventually we will run out of parts to buy or money to spend. At that point, we’ll have no alternative but to start losing weight.
On the surface, this is a fairly simple matter; calories in minus calories out is the magic to any weight loss voodoo, right up to the point where it stops working because the “calories in” part deviates from our lifestyle or our metabolism decides we’re old and that since everything else is slowing down, it should too.
It is at this juncture that we ask ourselves how we can lose those kilos that seem unwilling to melt from our bodies. The answer varies depending on your lifestyle, body type, how loud your Awesome is, and your ideal riding weight. (By the way, similarly to the number of bikes to own, your ideal riding weight is one kilo less than your current weight, or weight ideal = weight current – 1). But assuming that you enjoy eating, alcohol, or anything else that doesn’t suck, it will require doing something drastic.
My journey through weight loss started with doing everything the same but riding more until that program stalled, and then I started doing sit-ups and leg lifts, both of which meet the aforementioned suck requirement. And then I cut back on beer and wine, which sucks even more, but that’s when things really started happening. A surprising side-effect of cutting down on booze, by the way, is that although you get less charismatic, you feel better in general and sleep better in addition to losing weight. It turns out that alcohol is a poison or something. Who knew?
But now that my V-Jersey isn’t stretched like a balloon on a pumpkin, I’ve moved on to worrying about my upper body, which is bigger than a typical cyclist’s thanks to 15 or so years of nordic ski racing. Which brings me to Ullrich’s sleeves. I have always had it in my mind that Jan and I are of similar physique, aside from the quads and calves and the devilishly good looks. But my stupid sleeves are always tight, and his were always loose. I take off my jersey, and sure enough, there’s that little mark that the sleeves made on each of my arms. Infuriating. The only solution is to focus completely on wasting my upper body into nothing.
Since I’m not doing anything outrageous like routinely lifting weighty objects or doing pushups, the only conclusion I can draw is that I’m carrying too many groceries into the house at once. I’ve therefor moved to a strict regimen of only carrying one gallon of milk at a time. It takes twice as long to unload the car that way, but all that walking is good for my cardio, you just have to push through the pain. I also alternate hands every few strides if I’ve parked more than a hundred meters from the house in order to avoid becoming lopsided.
Finally, if this latest program doesn’t work out as well as I expect it to, I’ve also realized that while carbohydrates are an athlete’s friend in terms of providing easy energy to burn during a workout, they are heavy on the fork, and repetitively lifting forkloads of pasta into my mouth may be what’s causing my shoulders to bulk up unnecessarily. I’m therefor on the lookout for a healthy food source that can be drank from a straw or something in pellet form that I can peck out of a bowl.
It’s drastic, sure, but drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’m determined to get there eventually.
I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…
Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…
The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…
Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…
This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…
I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…
View Comments
I know the article mentions climbing weight but surely this is a little unbalanced. Rather than berate myself at not being at my "climbing weight", I prefer to think of myself as currently being at my optimum "descending weight" which basically equals that maximum weight possible at which you are still able to get up the hill, regardless of speed. This then means you get to go down again at speeds the pure climbers would crap themselves at...after all Gravity is Free!
Descending weight is far more important than climbing weight...although I must go, my curry is getting cold and the lager is getting warm ;)
I climb well for my weight.
@the Engine What does the "Black" wristband signify? Or does it carry a custom message?
@motor city
Exactly what I was thinking as I was scrolling down, only to find you were channeling my thoughts. It does seem to reflect Adidas' inability to make tops that fit rather than Uli's skinniness - the guy in second wheel hardly looks like a bodybuilder, and yet his sleeves fit just so.
Unofficial rule: It is not allowed to critizie "der Jan" under any circumstances, this applies to gear, style, countryship, --and weight
Fellas, weight ain't everything. I'm 175cm and 64kg. That puts me right at the aforementioned ration of 2.1 lbs to the inch. Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Chief Ambassador to the Butterflies.
My brothers all have well-defined upper bodies, and I've always been the skinny runt. For years I tried to add muscle up top, mostly to no avail. I would go to the gym and be embarrassed amongst all of the beefy dudes putting up massive weights. I've always been a wee bit ashamed of my upper body physique. And then my thirties hit, my metabolism slowed, and I gradually gained 25 pounds over where I was in college. I tried to fool myself into believing I was adding upper body mass, but really, things were all just jiggling a bit more than they used to.
Enter cycling--a sport that is pretty much custom made for my body type. Since I started riding seriously again, I've lost those 25 pounds, and have gone from being envious of those huge guys in the gym, to being a bit sorry for them--so much useless body mass. How many of them actually use all that muscle in their daily lives? I now consider myself as having won the genetic lottery, rather than having ended up on the short end of the stick. (To boot, I'm also genetically predisposed to Rule 33 compliance). I'm not Schleckian, much less Beaker, but I'm slender with enough definition to make me feel good about myself when I look in the mirror.
And ... at 181 cm and 72kg, I've developed into a decent climber as well.
@tessar
Tesser looking at you numbers you must basically be a collection of bones with some skin draped on.
@unversio
This shows it better
@Steampunk
I can vouch for that. Here is Le Prof at the summit of the Col de Williamsburg Bridge yesterday. Like Antony, he came to New York to bury me.