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De Vlaamse Disco

Climbing used to be all about disco; in Flanders, it still is.

I’m not a good dancer. I’ve come to this conclusion not through study but through ridicule and injury. Apparently it demands the ability to exhibit control over your limbs in some rhythmic capacity where “rhythmic” is defined both as “not chaotic” and “not stationary”. To make matters worse, this extends to all your limbs, not just one or two; you aren’t allowed to just wave one arm about because that’s all you can concentrate on. Like most men, I function with a two-item queue; I’m not a multitasker. This, I believe, is the reason why women are better dancers than men are.

The seventies is when male dancing went mainstream in the form of “disco”. If you look closely, you will notice that disco moves involve moving no more than two appendages at once; most moves can be done with half that. Convincing women that this is “dancing” is the Male Gender’s most significant accomplishment since Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity. Male dancing has not evolved since, if the local pub is anything to go from.

Prior to the invention of the compact crank, climbing was good practice for disco dancing: if the gradient was anywhere near respectable, you could ponder long and hard about the one leg that was doing all that pushing right at that moment. Even the climbers like Charly Gaul who were accredited as “spinners” came nowhere close to modern climbers’ cadential sensibilities where cols are gobbled up at 110+ rpm.

For the book signing event we held for The Rules in NYC, @Gianni loaned me his trusted steed, Bella, whom he keeps back on the East Coast. This lovely lady is clad in old school Campa and the gritty 42×23 low gear to go with it. He giggled as he watched me rise out of the saddle to do Le Disco over the stout ramps along the hills of New Jersey.

At the risk of sounding like an old grumpopatamus (the slightly less charming relation to the hippopotamus), climbing for us big blokes used to be about breathing and pushing on the pedals (that’s our two-item queues at capacity) until the eyes went dark, at which point you kept breathing and pushing until you got to the top and went down the other side like you trusted your tires more than you appreciated physics. Now its all about “cadence” and “heart rate” and “wattage” and “not being fat” and probably a few other things that I disagree with that I haven’t even thought of.

Not that I have anything against spinning; I used to be a “spinner”. Back in the 80’s and 90’s, I was always the spinner in the group, riding along at 80 or 90 rpm. These days, I’m the “masher” in the group, riding along at 80 or 90 rpm. This is one more reason why I love Flanders; I’ve never seen a Flandrian spin, unless it was the 53×11. On the one occasion I caught Johan Museeuw riding a compact (testing it, he was), his only remark was that the 50T wasn’t big enough for climbing.

The Flemish riders are all about doing De Vlaamse Disco as they mash a monster gear up some unimaginable cobbled grade. I am given to understand Boonen trains by riding the Koppenberg in the 53. That’s my kind of climbing; more stubborn than brains, more burnt cartilage than knees.

That’s what Merckx invented Advil for.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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wiscot says:

Jan 6 2015 at 1:13 pm

@eightace

That is Joey Mcloughlin in the Peugeot gear. Best Tour de France winner Britain never had. Lost without trace now but 4th in Ghent Wevelgem when riding for a home team on minute budget. Loads of class.

Yeah, Britain had some great pros with a lot of potential that I feel was never properly realized. Books could be written on why, but McLaughlin, Darryl Webster, Graham Jones, Brian Smith and Obree all come to mind. Whether it was just not clicking with the Euro scene, not wanting to do drugs, not being on the right team, the debate is endless. Lord knows Obree had the talent to do great things; Millar could have been ever better if he hadn't been on shitty French teams who misused him, Jones was huge class and wasted. I knew Obree and Smith, met Webster once and knew of Millar and McLaughlin. All had particularly distinct personalities to put it mildly. Smart and bloody minded might be more accurate. Had ANC Halfords been half as well organized/funded as Sky, Britain could have had a team in the 7-11 mold at least. As it was, ANC was pretty much an omnishambles, particularly in the Tour.
wiscot says:

Jan 6 2015 at 1:16 pm

@Ccos

@VeloJello

Both my dancing and climbing style tend to match this Mancunian mad mans monkey gait...

Jazz hands and maracas: that may be illegal. If this dude offered you pills, I wouldn't take em.

You got that right: taking anything Bez of the Happy Mondays might offer you would be a very big mistake. How fucked up were the Happy Mondays? Watch 24 Hour Party People. Lordy, lordy, lordy, what crazy lads they were.
wiscot says:

Jan 6 2015 at 1:18 pm

The lead pic is McLaughlin for sure, but is the Lotto rider Van Hooydonck? He's a big lad, but not tall enough I think. Might have to do some research.
frank says:

Jan 6 2015 at 1:21 pm

@wiscot

Hey, don't see too many pictures of Joey McLaughlin these days! (That's him in the Z kit in 88 or 89) Huge talent on the UK scene in the 80s and turned pro but just didn't make the grade on the continent for some reason - tendinitis amongst other things. Had a serious attitude as well as a thick Liverpudlian accent. Potential unfulfilled for sure.

I wonder if the tendonitis had anything to do with what he's attempting in the photo?

@oldensteel

This is a great photo with some very important elements: Suffering singularly and together, tan-wall tires, hairnets and the smile/grimace combo. Plus the aforementioned pedal/shoe evolution. Looks kinda chilly out too.

Not to mention the cycling cap and the reminder that Assos used to make team-issue kit.
frank says:

Jan 6 2015 at 1:29 pm

@Bruce Lee

Alas, poor 144mm bolt circle, I knew you once...dressed in a 42t inner ring and a 54t 'cause I was young, dumb, and Bruce Gordon convinced me it was as good as a 53t. And my MTB had chainrings of such magnitude too back in the day, a 34t x 50t. Why? To go faster. 'Nuf said.

This whole 1x micro drive thing on the MTBs these days boggles my mind. I'm sure it makes sense somewhere some how but I'll be fucked if I have any clue why.

@Hagueman

To our Flamish friends on the site, shouldn't it be called 'De Vlaamse Disco'?

Yes yes yes. Its a serious burden, being this dumb.

@tessar

@VeloVita

For those of you that don't follow European cyclocross and haven't heard of Mathieu van der Poel, fear not for he will surely be coming to the pro road peloton in the relatively near future. For cruising around the steep ups and downs of the Euro cross circuit his bike is set up 1X11 with a 46 tooth ring up front and a 25t large cog on the rear. This is much larger gearing than most of the pros run, and yet he is able to power up steep ramps that leaves other top riders running. Oh yeah, he's 19...

...and then Nys spanks the young kids on the technical sections. MvdP is talented, but if he and Lars van der Haar want to survive they have to improve their running. Burning way too many matches trying to close the gaps.

But SRAM's CX1 sounds amazing. Can't wait to try 1x drivetrains on the MTB, too.

Oh, and there we have it, right on cue.

Back to the good part of your post though, Nys is such an animal. I love his bunny hopping of the barriers. I'm seriously considering learning how to do that, but only because my remount sucks. His remount rules and he still does it just because he's cool
frank says:

Jan 6 2015 at 1:33 pm

@gilly

I always wanted to be a climber, was it just me? Sadly I'm the wrong side of 80 kilos and can't spin so I don't excel going north, not quickly anyway. As graceful as Robert Millar was in the Z years, my loyalty was with his team mate Greg LeMan, grinding a monster gear all around Europe. That era had some great GC climbers, Fignon could smash the 53 as well. I remember reading that he would often punish himself during altitude training by keeping to the 53 all day. Those men were gods. Great article.

I stuck to my 53t today just to prove a point to myself. Its good punishment, if not good common sense.

@Pedale.Forchetta

Some years ago (but not many) I went to the Stelvio Pass with some friends with the idea of climbing it both side in a ride. My bike was equipped with just a 39-23, the Lombardy side was relatively easy with all those switchback, but when we started the South Tyrol side it was a different story. Thanks to my ridiculous shape I was dead by the time we were half way up, then we reached a Swiss rider and every time he tried to overtook me one of my dear friends push me till I could overtook him paying attention not to be seen by him, and that was all the way up! It was an exhilarating day...

You make me hate my life a little bit. An Italian Keepers Tour has to happen.
frank says:

Jan 6 2015 at 1:33 pm

@wiscot

The lead pic is McLaughlin for sure, but is the Lotto rider Van Hooydonck? He's a big lad, but not tall enough I think. Might have to do some research.

I definitely think so, but I've been wrong before so it could happen again.
frank says:

Jan 6 2015 at 1:38 pm

@wiscot I'm starting to think its not him now; not sure that team kit makes sense if its him. I've never seen him on anything but a Colnago and I've never seen him with Lotto logos on his kit.

The rider in question must be one of these:
http://www.firstcycling.com/team.php?l=883&hva=normal
ped says:

Jan 6 2015 at 1:42 pm

@wiscot

@Ccos

@VeloJello

Both my dancing and climbing style tend to match this Mancunian mad mans monkey gait...

Jazz hands and maracas: that may be illegal. If this dude offered you pills, I wouldn't take em.

You got that right: taking anything Bez of the Happy Mondays might offer you would be a very big mistake. How fucked up were the Happy Mondays? Watch 24 Hour Party People. Lordy, lordy, lordy, what crazy lads they were.

Christ, I remember seeing the Mondays supporting fellow Mancunians James in 1988. I was there to see the vegan popsters, and was assaulted by a mess of ecstacy and heroin.

Nine years later, I got back on the bike... at least I was thin
PeakInTwoYears says:

Jan 6 2015 at 1:43 pm

@Pedale.Forchetta

[...] then we reached a Swiss rider and every time he tried to overtook me one of my dear friends push me till I could overtook him paying attention not to be seen by him, and that was all the way up! It was an exhilarating day...

This made me smile. Thank you.