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De Vlaamse Disco

Climbing used to be all about disco; in Flanders, it still is.

I’m not a good dancer. I’ve come to this conclusion not through study but through ridicule and injury. Apparently it demands the ability to exhibit control over your limbs in some rhythmic capacity where “rhythmic” is defined both as “not chaotic” and “not stationary”. To make matters worse, this extends to all your limbs, not just one or two; you aren’t allowed to just wave one arm about because that’s all you can concentrate on. Like most men, I function with a two-item queue; I’m not a multitasker. This, I believe, is the reason why women are better dancers than men are.

The seventies is when male dancing went mainstream in the form of “disco”. If you look closely, you will notice that disco moves involve moving no more than two appendages at once; most moves can be done with half that. Convincing women that this is “dancing” is the Male Gender’s most significant accomplishment since Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity. Male dancing has not evolved since, if the local pub is anything to go from.

Prior to the invention of the compact crank, climbing was good practice for disco dancing: if the gradient was anywhere near respectable, you could ponder long and hard about the one leg that was doing all that pushing right at that moment. Even the climbers like Charly Gaul who were accredited as “spinners” came nowhere close to modern climbers’ cadential sensibilities where cols are gobbled up at 110+ rpm.

For the book signing event we held for The Rules in NYC, @Gianni loaned me his trusted steed, Bella, whom he keeps back on the East Coast. This lovely lady is clad in old school Campa and the gritty 42×23 low gear to go with it. He giggled as he watched me rise out of the saddle to do Le Disco over the stout ramps along the hills of New Jersey.

At the risk of sounding like an old grumpopatamus (the slightly less charming relation to the hippopotamus), climbing for us big blokes used to be about breathing and pushing on the pedals (that’s our two-item queues at capacity) until the eyes went dark, at which point you kept breathing and pushing until you got to the top and went down the other side like you trusted your tires more than you appreciated physics. Now its all about “cadence” and “heart rate” and “wattage” and “not being fat” and probably a few other things that I disagree with that I haven’t even thought of.

Not that I have anything against spinning; I used to be a “spinner”. Back in the 80’s and 90’s, I was always the spinner in the group, riding along at 80 or 90 rpm. These days, I’m the “masher” in the group, riding along at 80 or 90 rpm. This is one more reason why I love Flanders; I’ve never seen a Flandrian spin, unless it was the 53×11. On the one occasion I caught Johan Museeuw riding a compact (testing it, he was), his only remark was that the 50T wasn’t big enough for climbing.

The Flemish riders are all about doing De Vlaamse Disco as they mash a monster gear up some unimaginable cobbled grade. I am given to understand Boonen trains by riding the Koppenberg in the 53. That’s my kind of climbing; more stubborn than brains, more burnt cartilage than knees.

That’s what Merckx invented Advil for.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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Bruce Lee says:

Jan 6 2015 at 3:07 pm

@frank

My new MTB is 1x. I was a big doubter when I started riding it. I mean one chainring? No way. That and something about the 42t pieplate low cog just looks wrong to my old man 12-21 sensibilities. But man I am a believer now. Its lighter, always a big help so I can continue with my beer habit and not feel guilty; simpler, so I don't need to use as many brain cells to shift as I used to, thus saving more weight; and I get to now say I have a 10t high gear, which is way better than an 11t ever was before.
Puffy says:

Jan 6 2015 at 5:56 pm

@tessar

But SRAM's CX1 sounds amazing. Can't wait to try 1x drivetrains on the MTB, too.

You've got it now... just don't change the front dÃ©railleur.
Puffy says:

Jan 6 2015 at 6:06 pm

@Bruce Lee

@frank

My new MTB is 1x. I was a big doubter when I started riding it. I mean one chainring? No way. That and something about the 42t pieplate low cog just looks wrong to my old man 12-21 sensibilities. But man I am a believer now. Its lighter, always a big help so I can continue with my beer habit and not feel guilty; simpler, so I don't need to use as many brain cells to shift as I used to, thus saving more weight; and I get to now say I have a 10t high gear, which is way better than an 11t ever was before.

Aren't you talking about saving 400g on a bike that weighs 9kg?
PeakInTwoYears says:

Jan 6 2015 at 6:40 pm

400 grams is not nothing, even on a mountain bike. I went 1x on my xc-style mtb mainly because I have a bad left thumb and the shifter was killing me after a while. I may not ride up staircases, but I've been surprised at how seldom I miss the granny gears.
frank says:

Jan 6 2015 at 9:37 pm

@VeloVita

@tessar

@VeloVita

For those of you that don't follow European cyclocross and haven't heard of Mathieu van der Poel, fear not for he will surely be coming to the pro road peloton in the relatively near future. For cruising around the steep ups and downs of the Euro cross circuit his bike is set up 1X11 with a 46 tooth ring up front and a 25t large cog on the rear. This is much larger gearing than most of the pros run, and yet he is able to power up steep ramps that leaves other top riders running. Oh yeah, he's 19...

...and then Nys spanks the young kids on the technical sections. MvdP is talented, but if he and Lars van der Haar want to survive they have to improve their running. Burning way too many matches trying to close the gaps.

But SRAM's CX1 sounds amazing. Can't wait to try 1x drivetrains on the MTB, too.

Except Nys hasn't been lately...Its been MvdP and Wout van Aert riding away and staying away. Sure they're making tactical mistakes racing each other, but right now they're the still the class of the field. From a pure power standpoint, even Nys has said he's impressed with MvdP - watch Zonhoven where he rides up the roped run up...its ridiculous. He won't stay with cross though much longer - he has road aspirations just like Boom and Stybar.

First I saw of MvdP was the Looville Words; he absolutely crushed the juniors and made a fucking joke of it.

Funny how I love riders like that right up until they stop being underdogs.
frank says:

Jan 6 2015 at 9:39 pm

@the Engine

@frank

Ooh look - a V-bike with CX-1

Twice the bike, half the speed.

@Bruce Lee

Blah blah blah blah. (Fast forward one year to when I have a 1x MTB and agree)
RobSandy says:

Jan 7 2015 at 12:42 am

@SamFromTex

Both my dancing and climbing style tend to match this Mancunian mad mans monkey gait...

Arcade Fire had a dude who basically just ran around and rocked out on a big drum. It was actually pretty cool, he was really intense and worked the crowd up a lot. It's hard to resist someone who looks like he's having the greatest time of his life.

There's a British band called Misty's Big Adventure who have a guy who dresses in a big red onesy with blue gloves stitched all over it, and dances around like a maniac all through their gigs. Goes by the name of the Erotic Volvo.

I'm not making this up.
VeloJello says:

Jan 7 2015 at 12:48 am

@ErikdR @SamFromTex

"Adventure Bikes" is the other new buzz phrase. Any road bike with 28mm+ tyres and disc brakes is being given this lame title by the major UK suppliers. Talk about polishing a turd!

I think we need to come up with a buzz phrase and patent the shit out of it.
VeloJello says:

Jan 7 2015 at 12:52 am

@Ccos

@Ccos

@VeloJello

Both my dancing and climbing style tend to match this Mancunian mad mans monkey gait...

Jazz hands and maracas: that may be illegal. If this dude offered you pills, I wouldn't take em.

I wonder if this fucktards path ever crossed with Bez?
RobSandy says:

Jan 7 2015 at 12:55 am

@frank

@gilly

I always wanted to be a climber, was it just me? Sadly I'm the wrong side of 80 kilos and can't spin so I don't excel going north, not quickly anyway. As graceful as Robert Millar was in the Z years, my loyalty was with his team mate Greg LeMan, grinding a monster gear all around Europe. That era had some great GC climbers, Fignon could smash the 53 as well. I remember reading that he would often punish himself during altitude training by keeping to the 53 all day. Those men were gods. Great article.

I stuck to my 53t today just to prove a point to myself. Its good punishment, if not good common sense.

I went out for a ride with a mate on the weekend, and he'd been off the bike for a while (for various poor reasons including 'winter', 'Christmas' and 'holiday') so was slower than he would usually be. I usually ride hills in a low gear and spin (I'm too much of a fatty to grind a big gear for long), but as he was suffering slowly behind me I took the opportunity to experiment with climbing in the big ring.

It was cool. I pretended I was The Prophet on Mourenx.