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De Vlaamse Disco

Climbing used to be all about disco; in Flanders, it still is.

I’m not a good dancer. I’ve come to this conclusion not through study but through ridicule and injury. Apparently it demands the ability to exhibit control over your limbs in some rhythmic capacity where “rhythmic” is defined both as “not chaotic” and “not stationary”. To make matters worse, this extends to all your limbs, not just one or two; you aren’t allowed to just wave one arm about because that’s all you can concentrate on. Like most men, I function with a two-item queue; I’m not a multitasker. This, I believe, is the reason why women are better dancers than men are.

The seventies is when male dancing went mainstream in the form of “disco”. If you look closely, you will notice that disco moves involve moving no more than two appendages at once; most moves can be done with half that. Convincing women that this is “dancing” is the Male Gender’s most significant accomplishment since Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity. Male dancing has not evolved since, if the local pub is anything to go from.

Prior to the invention of the compact crank, climbing was good practice for disco dancing: if the gradient was anywhere near respectable, you could ponder long and hard about the one leg that was doing all that pushing right at that moment. Even the climbers like Charly Gaul who were accredited as “spinners” came nowhere close to modern climbers’ cadential sensibilities where cols are gobbled up at 110+ rpm.

For the book signing event we held for The Rules in NYC, @Gianni loaned me his trusted steed, Bella, whom he keeps back on the East Coast. This lovely lady is clad in old school Campa and the gritty 42×23 low gear to go with it. He giggled as he watched me rise out of the saddle to do Le Disco over the stout ramps along the hills of New Jersey.

At the risk of sounding like an old grumpopatamus (the slightly less charming relation to the hippopotamus), climbing for us big blokes used to be about breathing and pushing on the pedals (that’s our two-item queues at capacity) until the eyes went dark, at which point you kept breathing and pushing until you got to the top and went down the other side like you trusted your tires more than you appreciated physics. Now its all about “cadence” and “heart rate” and “wattage” and “not being fat” and probably a few other things that I disagree with that I haven’t even thought of.

Not that I have anything against spinning; I used to be a “spinner”. Back in the 80’s and 90’s, I was always the spinner in the group, riding along at 80 or 90 rpm. These days, I’m the “masher” in the group, riding along at 80 or 90 rpm. This is one more reason why I love Flanders; I’ve never seen a Flandrian spin, unless it was the 53×11. On the one occasion I caught Johan Museeuw riding a compact (testing it, he was), his only remark was that the 50T wasn’t big enough for climbing.

The Flemish riders are all about doing De Vlaamse Disco as they mash a monster gear up some unimaginable cobbled grade. I am given to understand Boonen trains by riding the Koppenberg in the 53. That’s my kind of climbing; more stubborn than brains, more burnt cartilage than knees.

That’s what Merckx invented Advil for.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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RobSandy says:

Jan 7 2015 at 1:08 am

@RobSandy

@SamFromTex

Both my dancing and climbing style tend to match this Mancunian mad mans monkey gait...

Arcade Fire had a dude who basically just ran around and rocked out on a big drum. It was actually pretty cool, he was really intense and worked the crowd up a lot. It's hard to resist someone who looks like he's having the greatest time of his life.

There's a British band called Misty's Big Adventure who have a guy who dresses in a big red onesy with blue gloves stitched all over it, and dances around like a maniac all through their gigs. Goes by the name of the Erotic Volvo.

I'm not making this up.

This he. Legend.
Beers says:

Jan 7 2015 at 2:19 am

After a year on the compact x 28, plateau is seeing me dropped. 25 goes on the back this month, then a standard crank as budgetatus allows. Compact kept for dream trips to the half hour climbs. Its time to get strong.
the Engine says:

Jan 7 2015 at 3:41 am

@frank

Top and bottom ratios are the same as the Damocles.

As well as doing CX racing (the VMH says I'm "taking part" not racing) the V-bike does duty in gravel racing in 'Murica and as the winter road bike.

+ Chain (almost) always stays on - no Schleckanicals - only have to remember to use one trigger on the Bro-set so can concentrate on not crashing ("not crashing" is my CX racing technique) - clutch on the mech so no chain slap and back wheel changes are easier.

- Sometimes on the road can't quite find the ideal ratio as the steps at the big end of the cassette are quite big - but hey, who among us uses those big sprockets anyway?

Will take the V-bike to the KT with tubeless road tyres to see how she does on pave.
Teocalli says:

Jan 7 2015 at 5:01 am

@the Engine

- Sometimes on the road can't quite find the ideal ratio as the steps at the big end of the cassette are quite big - but hey, who among us uses those big sprockets anyway?

Hmmmm - the two ends of that seem to conflict! "Sometimes ..... can't......who uses....."
wiscot says:

Jan 7 2015 at 5:17 am

@VeloJello

@Ccos

@Ccos

@VeloJello

Both my dancing and climbing style tend to match this Mancunian mad mans monkey gait...

Jazz hands and maracas: that may be illegal. If this dude offered you pills, I wouldn't take em.

I wonder if this fucktards path ever crossed with Bez?

I think Bez's drug regimen may have been a tad more unregulated in terms of quantity and variety. Also, if his dancing "style" was the result of performance enhancing drugs, he'd be entitled to a refund from Ferrari!
tessar says:

Jan 7 2015 at 6:33 am

@VeloVita

@tessar

@VeloVita

For those of you that don't follow European cyclocross and haven't heard of Mathieu van der Poel, fear not for he will surely be coming to the pro road peloton in the relatively near future. For cruising around the steep ups and downs of the Euro cross circuit his bike is set up 1X11 with a 46 tooth ring up front and a 25t large cog on the rear. This is much larger gearing than most of the pros run, and yet he is able to power up steep ramps that leaves other top riders running. Oh yeah, he's 19...

...and then Nys spanks the young kids on the technical sections. MvdP is talented, but if he and Lars van der Haar want to survive they have to improve their running. Burning way too many matches trying to close the gaps.

But SRAM's CX1 sounds amazing. Can't wait to try 1x drivetrains on the MTB, too.

Except Nys hasn't been lately...Its been MvdP and Wout van Aert riding away and staying away. Sure they're making tactical mistakes racing each other, but right now they're the still the class of the field. From a pure power standpoint, even Nys has said he's impressed with MvdP - watch Zonhoven where he rides up the roped run up...its ridiculous. He won't stay with cross though much longer - he has road aspirations just like Boom and Stybar.

Yeah, Nys has been a sorry sight this season. And it's clear van Aert and MvdP are a different league on the bike, which is why I'm very happy to hear he's harbouring road aspirations. A rider that talented on the bike should concentrate on racing his bike. Can't wait to see them tackle Paris-Roubaix once they've grown to handle the length of these races.
tessar says:

Jan 7 2015 at 6:46 am

@SamFromTex

@frank

@Bruce Lee

Alas, poor 144mm bolt circle, I knew you once...dressed in a 42t inner ring and a 54t 'cause I was young, dumb, and Bruce Gordon convinced me it was as good as a 53t. And my MTB had chainrings of such magnitude too back in the day, a 34t x 50t. Why? To go faster. 'Nuf said.

This whole 1x micro drive thing on the MTBs these days boggles my mind. I'm sure it makes sense somewhere some how but I'll be fucked if I have any clue why.

It's cause MTBing is obsessed with downhill riding, where it doesn't matter, and like the rest of the industry it's obsessed with finding something new to sell to the punters.

I've seen a lot of new people out in the boonies lately with the newest and fanciest double-boinger downhill 1x setups. Some of them don't even try to ride up, they just walk the bike uphill.

I ride XC and the occasional trail, and done the maths. I've currently got 3x9 on my aging 29er hardtail, I never use the smaller granny anyway and fuck me if I've ever walked a hill (unless it was due to insufficient technical skill). So what is it about 1x that doesn't make sense? Even with Shimano's XTR 11-40, I'll still have a lowest gear lower than what I ever needed, and a highest that provides more speed than my cowardice allows.
Ron says:

Jan 7 2015 at 7:02 am

@frank

@Ron

The VMH refers to my dancing as "interpretive" and I'm okay with that. Heck, I coulda been a good dancer, but I was too busy playing sports all the time.

Spinning is so fucking boring. Why do I want to sit around and do that when I can stand and dance?

What do we have going on in the photo - is the Hardman on the right in clips 'n' straps and the Hardman on the left clipless? Talk about an interesting peloton when you had those two forces coexisting.

I love it when your meds are off a little bit and you start posting three randomly intertwined ideas in one shot. But what happened to your avatar?

I knew something was wrong! The deceit of the wayward avatar. I think I sorted it. I was feeling odd all day, pretty amazing you picked up on this from my post.

I do my best to keep things interesting.
Chris says:

Jan 7 2015 at 7:40 am

@the Engine

@frank

Will take the V-bike to the KT with tubeless road tyres to see how she does on pave.

I seem to remember @Grlla suggested taking his Cross/Graveur on KT13. The responses weren't so much one of encouragement but derision.
the Engine says:

Jan 7 2015 at 9:42 am

@Teocalli

@Teocalli

@the Engine

- Sometimes on the road can't quite find the ideal ratio as the steps at the big end of the cassette are quite big - but hey, who among us uses those big sprockets anyway?

Hmmmm - the two ends of that seem to conflict! "Sometimes ..... can't......who uses....."

Try - "Sometimes on the road can't quite find the ideal ratio and the steps at the big end of the cassette are especially big - but hey, who among us uses those big sprockets anyway?