Climbing used to be all about disco; in Flanders, it still is.
I’m not a good dancer. I’ve come to this conclusion not through study but through ridicule and injury. Apparently it demands the ability to exhibit control over your limbs in some rhythmic capacity where “rhythmic” is defined both as “not chaotic” and “not stationary”. To make matters worse, this extends to all your limbs, not just one or two; you aren’t allowed to just wave one arm about because that’s all you can concentrate on. Like most men, I function with a two-item queue; I’m not a multitasker. This, I believe, is the reason why women are better dancers than men are.
The seventies is when male dancing went mainstream in the form of “disco”. If you look closely, you will notice that disco moves involve moving no more than two appendages at once; most moves can be done with half that. Convincing women that this is “dancing” is the Male Gender’s most significant accomplishment since Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity. Male dancing has not evolved since, if the local pub is anything to go from.
Prior to the invention of the compact crank, climbing was good practice for disco dancing: if the gradient was anywhere near respectable, you could ponder long and hard about the one leg that was doing all that pushing right at that moment. Even the climbers like Charly Gaul who were accredited as “spinners” came nowhere close to modern climbers’ cadential sensibilities where cols are gobbled up at 110+ rpm.
For the book signing event we held for The Rules in NYC, @Gianni loaned me his trusted steed, Bella, whom he keeps back on the East Coast. This lovely lady is clad in old school Campa and the gritty 42×23 low gear to go with it. He giggled as he watched me rise out of the saddle to do Le Disco over the stout ramps along the hills of New Jersey.
At the risk of sounding like an old grumpopatamus (the slightly less charming relation to the hippopotamus), climbing for us big blokes used to be about breathing and pushing on the pedals (that’s our two-item queues at capacity) until the eyes went dark, at which point you kept breathing and pushing until you got to the top and went down the other side like you trusted your tires more than you appreciated physics. Now its all about “cadence” and “heart rate” and “wattage” and “not being fat” and probably a few other things that I disagree with that I haven’t even thought of.
Not that I have anything against spinning; I used to be a “spinner”. Back in the 80’s and 90’s, I was always the spinner in the group, riding along at 80 or 90 rpm. These days, I’m the “masher” in the group, riding along at 80 or 90 rpm. This is one more reason why I love Flanders; I’ve never seen a Flandrian spin, unless it was the 53×11. On the one occasion I caught Johan Museeuw riding a compact (testing it, he was), his only remark was that the 50T wasn’t big enough for climbing.
The Flemish riders are all about doing De Vlaamse Disco as they mash a monster gear up some unimaginable cobbled grade. I am given to understand Boonen trains by riding the Koppenberg in the 53. That’s my kind of climbing; more stubborn than brains, more burnt cartilage than knees.
That’s what Merckx invented Advil for.
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@Chris
Put it this way - I'm nearly old enough to be @Grilla's father and my V-bike caught his Cross/Graveur rig on HOTN - it was only because he'd charmed my VMH in to not feeding me properly at the half way point that I was unable to show him my fat arse disappearing over the finish line. As it was I wobbled in 30 seconds or so behind him and had to steal some food from a small child to summon the energy to drink some beer.
@the Engine
To get yourself out of the double bind I choose to interpret you would need....
"Sometimes on the road some may not find the ideal ratio as the steps at the big end of the cassette are especially big - but hey, who among us uses those big sprockets anyway?
@wiscot
I won't mind shaking hands with Bez, but I fear the contact high would keep me out of commission for a week or so.
The stink from shaking hands with the other would likely persist for far longer.
@Ccos
I'd recommend a fist bump wearing thick rubber gloves for both scenarios. Or maybe just a full-on Ebola suit to be completely safe . . .
@tessar
As I ride (or most accurately- as I push up hill) my single speed 29'er I curse the day I thought it was a good idea and I crave the option to shift to any gear. Mashing the pedals like a circus bear riding a unicycle just doesn't work going up a technical session.
@frank thank you for your always apt depictions of the reality of cycling.
@VeloJello
This image has driven me too far
.
@unversio
Ha ha ha. Like the way he's been valmorphanized!
Back in the day (a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away) when I was racing, pretty much everyone rode a 53/39 with a 12-21. And I remember that I was a pretty decent climber in a 39x21 ... even on long mountain climbs. I even remember a particular circuit race that had two steep climbs (like a camel's two humps) where my team would intentionally switch to a 42t small ring as a way to play mind games with everyone else on the climbs (and it worked because lap by lap we would whittle the field down so that by the finish the lead group would be a dozen or so riders and most of my team intact). But I have to admit that now as an "old guy" who only recently made the changeover to riding a "modern" bike, I appreciate compact gearing. My Felt FC has a 50/36 with an 11-28 (although I'm not doing any real "mountain" climbing these days. I think if I did, I'd probably put a 34t small ring on just to give me even more bail out). I probably still mash more than spin (but I'm trying to re-learn how to do the latter) on climbs, but it's nice to have lower low gears when the going gets really steep. And I like being able to stay in the big ring a lot longer on climbs. But even with compact gearing (mine is a combination of compact and mid-compact), there are pitches on roads I ride on where I still have to do the disco. :-)
@unversio
That's too funny by the way. So does Shaun Ryder stand in for Johan Bruyneel?
@unversio
That is the creepiest thing I've seen in 2015. That includes footage of the cold-blooded murders in Paris.