I’m not a good dancer. I’ve come to this conclusion not through study but through ridicule and injury. Apparently it demands the ability to exhibit control over your limbs in some rhythmic capacity where “rhythmic” is defined both as “not chaotic” and “not stationary”. To make matters worse, this extends to all your limbs, not just one or two; you aren’t allowed to just wave one arm about because that’s all you can concentrate on. Like most men, I function with a two-item queue; I’m not a multitasker. This, I believe, is the reason why women are better dancers than men are.

The seventies is when male dancing went mainstream in the form of “disco”. If you look closely, you will notice that disco moves involve moving no more than two appendages at once; most moves can be done with half that. Convincing women that this is “dancing” is the Male Gender’s most significant accomplishment since Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity. Male dancing has not evolved since, if the local pub is anything to go from.

Prior to the invention of the compact crank, climbing was good practice for disco dancing: if the gradient was anywhere near respectable, you could ponder long and hard about the one leg that was doing all that pushing right at that moment. Even the climbers like Charly Gaul who were accredited as “spinners” came nowhere close to modern climbers’ cadential sensibilities where cols are gobbled up at 110+ rpm.

For the book signing event we held for The Rules in NYC, @Gianni loaned me his trusted steed, Bella, whom he keeps back on the East Coast. This lovely lady is clad in old school Campa and the gritty 42×23 low gear to go with it. He giggled as he watched me rise out of the saddle to do Le Disco over the stout ramps along the hills of New Jersey.

At the risk of sounding like an old grumpopatamus (the slightly less charming relation to the hippopotamus), climbing for us big blokes used to be about breathing and pushing on the pedals (that’s our two-item queues at capacity) until the eyes went dark, at which point you kept breathing and pushing until you got to the top and went down the other side like you trusted your tires more than you appreciated physics. Now its all about “cadence” and “heart rate” and “wattage” and “not being fat” and probably a few other things that I disagree with that I haven’t even thought of.

Not that I have anything against spinning; I used to be a “spinner”. Back in the 80’s and 90’s, I was always the spinner in the group, riding along at 80 or 90 rpm. These days, I’m the “masher” in the group, riding along at 80 or 90 rpm. This is one more reason why I love Flanders; I’ve never seen a Flandrian spin, unless it was the 53×11. On the one occasion I caught Johan Museeuw riding a compact (testing it, he was), his only remark was that the 50T wasn’t big enough for climbing.

The Flemish riders are all about doing De Vlaamse Disco as they mash a monster gear up some unimaginable cobbled grade. I am given to understand Boonen trains by riding the Koppenberg in the 53. That’s my kind of climbing; more stubborn than brains, more burnt cartilage than knees.

That’s what Merckx invented Advil for.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @antihero

    Here's an idea: how about an article on the ins and outs of riding fixed, submitted to Velominati.com? (Just a thought...)

  • @ErikdR

    @antihero

    Excellent. Thanks!

    I have no experience whatsoever with riding fixed, but I suppose it would be wise (to put it mildly) to start out in relatively flat terrain, and build it up from there? (Luckily, there are quite a few roads with only mild inclines nearby, and I can save the steeper hills for later. Looking forward to trying this, once the weather gets a little bit less nasty here in DK.

    I assume you actually use your legs quite a bit to slow down on the decline, prior to (or in combination with) applying the brakes?

    Your legs generally take the place of the rear brake, yes. While it's trendy to ride fully brakeless, that's unsafe and should not be encouraged in places other than a velodrome. But a fixie only really NEEDS a front brake. Mine has both, for symmetry of the handlebars, and because I have a flip/flop rear so sometimes it's just a singlespeed rather than a fixed.

  • @SamFromTex Check - and cheers.

    I remember reading (ages ago, in the 70's) that there used to be a tradition (in the Netherlands, at least - where there are no hills to speak of) for letting junior cyclists ride fixed for a season or two, before they were even allowed to start using a derailleur - in order to prevent them from mashing to heavy a gear right off the bat, I reckon.
    And of course, I've often heard that going fixed contributes to a good pedal stroke. I think I see a new rear wheel in my immediate future.

  • @Chris

    @the Engine

    @frank

    Will take the V-bike to the KT with tubeless road tyres to see how she does on pave.

    I seem to remember @Grlla suggested taking his Cross/Graveur on KT13. The responses weren't so much one of encouragement but derision.

    Yeah...this would be the subject of endless pisstaking. But I have to say that the CCX is an incredible bike and I can see why he'd want to ride it there.

  • @SamFromTex

    @ErikdR

    @antihero

    Excellent. Thanks!

    I have no experience whatsoever with riding fixed, but I suppose it would be wise (to put it mildly) to start out in relatively flat terrain, and build it up from there? (Luckily, there are quite a few roads with only mild inclines nearby, and I can save the steeper hills for later. Looking forward to trying this, once the weather gets a little bit less nasty here in DK.

    I assume you actually use your legs quite a bit to slow down on the decline, prior to (or in combination with) applying the brakes?

    Your legs generally take the place of the rear brake, yes. While it's trendy to ride fully brakeless, that's unsafe and should not be encouraged in places other than a velodrome. But a fixie only really NEEDS a front brake. Mine has both, for symmetry of the handlebars, and because I have a flip/flop rear so sometimes it's just a singlespeed rather than a fixed.

    I use a front and rear brake:  I like the additional control that the rear gives me on fast downhills, and the symmetry as well.  Just rolling front-only is cool too - this is just personal preference.  I don't use my legs for braking - it totally kills my knees.  Leg speed control for subtle velocity corrections is important in a paceline, though.  You'll find it's very fluid and pleasant once you get used to it.

    Riding brakeless is childish idiocy (outside the track, of course.)  Besides, good tubs are $100 a pop, and riding brakeless will destroy a good tire in short order.  The kiddies that skid buy nasty hard rubber bricks for their rear tires.

    Flat to rolling terrain is where the fixed-gear shines, for sure.  Climbing isn't the pain that it's often made out to be, either: you wind up using a different set of muscles when climbing fixed, and you learn to extract every ounce of leverage from the foot/heel/knee that you can. It can be taxing until you get used to it.  Just apply more V and you're set :-)

    It's getting down that's the problem - if you ride any big hills regularly you'll soon learn to spin at crazy rates.  The trick is that once you get spun out, it's easy to lose control of the rear wheel, and then you're in for a world of pain unless you channel the souplesse.

    Ah, and don't forget:  you can't stop pedaling.  Ever.  If you do, the bike will remind you of this fact in unsubtle fashion.

  • @ErikdR

    @antihero

    Here's an idea: how about an article on the ins and outs of riding fixed, submitted to Velominati.com? (Just a thought...)

    Tempting.  I'll consider it....

  • @ErikdR

    @SamFromTex Check - and cheers.

    I remember reading (ages ago, in the 70's) that there used to be a tradition (in the Netherlands, at least - where there are no hills to speak of) for letting junior cyclists ride fixed for a season or two, before they were even allowed to start using a derailleur - in order to prevent them from mashing to heavy a gear right off the bat, I reckon.
    And of course, I've often heard that going fixed contributes to a good pedal stroke. I think I see a new rear wheel in my immediate future.

    Interesting...makes sense to me.  Same reason that they keep juniors in restricted gears.

    There's been a good bit of debate about the fixed-gear > good pedal stroke thing.  The current wisdom seems to be against it, but I disagree.  I think that riding fixed has taught me loads about how to get maximum efficiency from my pedal stroke.  It's certainly taught me how to spin at 140rpm without bouncing on the saddle. (Well, without bouncing much.  Depends on how tired I am.)

  • @antihero

    When I ride fixed it's usually agreed with my mates that I get a free pass to attack the climb to avoid stalling, and get a headstart on the descent that follows where they'll catch me anyways.

    There's a nearby ~80km loop that I ride a lot, and it wasn't until I rode it fixed that I realized it includes a 20km false flat, lightly downhill with a constant backwind. Spent 40 minutes hanging on for dear life until I dropped out the back...

  • @tessar

    That's the rhythm, for sure.  Kind of like a see-saw.

    Any you always wondered why that section was so easy....

  • @antihero

    @SamFromTex

    @ErikdR

    @antihero

    Excellent. Thanks!

    I have no experience whatsoever with riding fixed, but I suppose it would be wise (to put it mildly) to start out in relatively flat terrain, and build it up from there? (Luckily, there are quite a few roads with only mild inclines nearby, and I can save the steeper hills for later. Looking forward to trying this, once the weather gets a little bit less nasty here in DK.

    I assume you actually use your legs quite a bit to slow down on the decline, prior to (or in combination with) applying the brakes?

    Your legs generally take the place of the rear brake, yes. While it's trendy to ride fully brakeless, that's unsafe and should not be encouraged in places other than a velodrome. But a fixie only really NEEDS a front brake. Mine has both, for symmetry of the handlebars, and because I have a flip/flop rear so sometimes it's just a singlespeed rather than a fixed.

    I use a front and rear brake:  I like the additional control that the rear gives me on fast downhills, and the symmetry as well.  Just rolling front-only is cool too - this is just personal preference.  I don't use my legs for braking - it totally kills my knees.  Leg speed control for subtle velocity corrections is important in a paceline, though.  You'll find it's very fluid and pleasant once you get used to it.

    Riding brakeless is childish idiocy (outside the track, of course.)

    Ah, and don't forget:  you can't stop pedaling.  Ever.  If you do, the bike will remind you of this fact in unsubtle fashion.

    I wouldn't dream of ever riding a fixie without brakes - and it's precisely this aspect of "not being able to stop pedaling - ever", that has kept me from trying fixed in the first place. I've had some knee trouble recently and would be very nervous about attempting anything that might make matters worse. But I'm definitely going to try it, with both brakes firmly in place. Small steps.

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