De Vlaamse Disco
I’m not a good dancer. I’ve come to this conclusion not through study but through ridicule and injury. Apparently it demands the ability to exhibit control over your limbs in some rhythmic capacity where “rhythmic” is defined both as “not chaotic” and “not stationary”. To make matters worse, this extends to all your limbs, not just one or two; you aren’t allowed to just wave one arm about because that’s all you can concentrate on. Like most men, I function with a two-item queue; I’m not a multitasker. This, I believe, is the reason why women are better dancers than men are.
The seventies is when male dancing went mainstream in the form of “disco”. If you look closely, you will notice that disco moves involve moving no more than two appendages at once; most moves can be done with half that. Convincing women that this is “dancing” is the Male Gender’s most significant accomplishment since Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity. Male dancing has not evolved since, if the local pub is anything to go from.
Prior to the invention of the compact crank, climbing was good practice for disco dancing: if the gradient was anywhere near respectable, you could ponder long and hard about the one leg that was doing all that pushing right at that moment. Even the climbers like Charly Gaul who were accredited as “spinners” came nowhere close to modern climbers’ cadential sensibilities where cols are gobbled up at 110+ rpm.
For the book signing event we held for The Rules in NYC, @Gianni loaned me his trusted steed, Bella, whom he keeps back on the East Coast. This lovely lady is clad in old school Campa and the gritty 42×23 low gear to go with it. He giggled as he watched me rise out of the saddle to do Le Disco over the stout ramps along the hills of New Jersey.
At the risk of sounding like an old grumpopatamus (the slightly less charming relation to the hippopotamus), climbing for us big blokes used to be about breathing and pushing on the pedals (that’s our two-item queues at capacity) until the eyes went dark, at which point you kept breathing and pushing until you got to the top and went down the other side like you trusted your tires more than you appreciated physics. Now its all about “cadence” and “heart rate” and “wattage” and “not being fat” and probably a few other things that I disagree with that I haven’t even thought of.
Not that I have anything against spinning; I used to be a “spinner”. Back in the 80’s and 90’s, I was always the spinner in the group, riding along at 80 or 90 rpm. These days, I’m the “masher” in the group, riding along at 80 or 90 rpm. This is one more reason why I love Flanders; I’ve never seen a Flandrian spin, unless it was the 53×11. On the one occasion I caught Johan Museeuw riding a compact (testing it, he was), his only remark was that the 50T wasn’t big enough for climbing.
The Flemish riders are all about doing De Vlaamse Disco as they mash a monster gear up some unimaginable cobbled grade. I am given to understand Boonen trains by riding the Koppenberg in the 53. That’s my kind of climbing; more stubborn than brains, more burnt cartilage than knees.
That’s what Merckx invented Advil for.
@frank
My new MTB is 1x. I was a big doubter when I started riding it. I mean one chainring? No way. That and something about the 42t pieplate low cog just looks wrong to my old man 12-21 sensibilities. But man I am a believer now. Its lighter, always a big help so I can continue with my beer habit and not feel guilty; simpler, so I don’t need to use as many brain cells to shift as I used to, thus saving more weight; and I get to now say I have a 10t high gear, which is way better than an 11t ever was before.
@tessar
You’ve got it now… just don’t change the front dérailleur.
@Bruce Lee
Aren’t you talking about saving 400g on a bike that weighs 9kg?
400 grams is not nothing, even on a mountain bike. I went 1x on my xc-style mtb mainly because I have a bad left thumb and the shifter was killing me after a while. I may not ride up staircases, but I’ve been surprised at how seldom I miss the granny gears.
@VeloVita
First I saw of MvdP was the Looville Words; he absolutely crushed the juniors and made a fucking joke of it.
Funny how I love riders like that right up until they stop being underdogs.
@the Engine
Twice the bike, half the speed.
@Bruce Lee
Blah blah blah blah. (Fast forward one year to when I have a 1x MTB and agree)
@SamFromTex
There’s a British band called Misty’s Big Adventure who have a guy who dresses in a big red onesy with blue gloves stitched all over it, and dances around like a maniac all through their gigs. Goes by the name of the Erotic Volvo.
I’m not making this up.
@ErikdR @SamFromTex
“Adventure Bikes” is the other new buzz phrase. Any road bike with 28mm+ tyres and disc brakes is being given this lame title by the major UK suppliers. Talk about polishing a turd!
I think we need to come up with a buzz phrase and patent the shit out of it.
@Ccos
@Ccos
I wonder if this fucktards path ever crossed with Bez?
@frank
I went out for a ride with a mate on the weekend, and he’d been off the bike for a while (for various poor reasons including ‘winter’, ‘Christmas’ and ‘holiday’) so was slower than he would usually be. I usually ride hills in a low gear and spin (I’m too much of a fatty to grind a big gear for long), but as he was suffering slowly behind me I took the opportunity to experiment with climbing in the big ring.
It was cool. I pretended I was The Prophet on Mourenx.
@RobSandy
This he. Legend.
After a year on the compact x 28, plateau is seeing me dropped. 25 goes on the back this month, then a standard crank as budgetatus allows. Compact kept for dream trips to the half hour climbs. Its time to get strong.
@frank
Top and bottom ratios are the same as the Damocles.
As well as doing CX racing (the VMH says I’m “taking part” not racing) the V-bike does duty in gravel racing in ‘Murica and as the winter road bike.
+ Chain (almost) always stays on – no Schleckanicals – only have to remember to use one trigger on the Bro-set so can concentrate on not crashing (“not crashing” is my CX racing technique) – clutch on the mech so no chain slap and back wheel changes are easier.
– Sometimes on the road can’t quite find the ideal ratio as the steps at the big end of the cassette are quite big – but hey, who among us uses those big sprockets anyway?
Will take the V-bike to the KT with tubeless road tyres to see how she does on pave.
@the Engine
Hmmmm – the two ends of that seem to conflict! “Sometimes ….. can’t……who uses…..”
@VeloJello
I think Bez’s drug regimen may have been a tad more unregulated in terms of quantity and variety. Also, if his dancing “style” was the result of performance enhancing drugs, he’d be entitled to a refund from Ferrari!
@VeloVita
Yeah, Nys has been a sorry sight this season. And it’s clear van Aert and MvdP are a different league on the bike, which is why I’m very happy to hear he’s harbouring road aspirations. A rider that talented on the bike should concentrate on racing his bike. Can’t wait to see them tackle Paris-Roubaix once they’ve grown to handle the length of these races.
@SamFromTex
I ride XC and the occasional trail, and done the maths. I’ve currently got 3×9 on my aging 29er hardtail, I never use the smaller granny anyway and fuck me if I’ve ever walked a hill (unless it was due to insufficient technical skill). So what is it about 1x that doesn’t make sense? Even with Shimano’s XTR 11-40, I’ll still have a lowest gear lower than what I ever needed, and a highest that provides more speed than my cowardice allows.
@frank
I knew something was wrong! The deceit of the wayward avatar. I think I sorted it. I was feeling odd all day, pretty amazing you picked up on this from my post.
I do my best to keep things interesting.
@the Engine
I seem to remember @Grlla suggested taking his Cross/Graveur on KT13. The responses weren’t so much one of encouragement but derision.
@Teocalli
@Teocalli
Try – “Sometimes on the road can’t quite find the ideal ratio and the steps at the big end of the cassette are especially big – but hey, who among us uses those big sprockets anyway?
@Chris
Put it this way – I’m nearly old enough to be @Grilla’s father and my V-bike caught his Cross/Graveur rig on HOTN – it was only because he’d charmed my VMH in to not feeding me properly at the half way point that I was unable to show him my fat arse disappearing over the finish line. As it was I wobbled in 30 seconds or so behind him and had to steal some food from a small child to summon the energy to drink some beer.
@the Engine
To get yourself out of the double bind I choose to interpret you would need….
“Sometimes on the road some may not find the ideal ratio as the steps at the big end of the cassette are especially big – but hey, who among us uses those big sprockets anyway?
@wiscot
I won’t mind shaking hands with Bez, but I fear the contact high would keep me out of commission for a week or so.
The stink from shaking hands with the other would likely persist for far longer.
@Ccos
I’d recommend a fist bump wearing thick rubber gloves for both scenarios. Or maybe just a full-on Ebola suit to be completely safe . . .
@tessar
As I ride (or most accurately- as I push up hill) my single speed 29’er I curse the day I thought it was a good idea and I crave the option to shift to any gear. Mashing the pedals like a circus bear riding a unicycle just doesn’t work going up a technical session.
@frank thank you for your always apt depictions of the reality of cycling.
@VeloJello
This image has driven me too far
.
@unversio
Ha ha ha. Like the way he’s been valmorphanized!
Back in the day (a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away) when I was racing, pretty much everyone rode a 53/39 with a 12-21. And I remember that I was a pretty decent climber in a 39×21 … even on long mountain climbs. I even remember a particular circuit race that had two steep climbs (like a camel’s two humps) where my team would intentionally switch to a 42t small ring as a way to play mind games with everyone else on the climbs (and it worked because lap by lap we would whittle the field down so that by the finish the lead group would be a dozen or so riders and most of my team intact). But I have to admit that now as an “old guy” who only recently made the changeover to riding a “modern” bike, I appreciate compact gearing. My Felt FC has a 50/36 with an 11-28 (although I’m not doing any real “mountain” climbing these days. I think if I did, I’d probably put a 34t small ring on just to give me even more bail out). I probably still mash more than spin (but I’m trying to re-learn how to do the latter) on climbs, but it’s nice to have lower low gears when the going gets really steep. And I like being able to stay in the big ring a lot longer on climbs. But even with compact gearing (mine is a combination of compact and mid-compact), there are pitches on roads I ride on where I still have to do the disco. :-)
@unversio
That’s too funny by the way. So does Shaun Ryder stand in for Johan Bruyneel?
@unversio
That is the creepiest thing I’ve seen in 2015. That includes footage of the cold-blooded murders in Paris.
@chuckp
I think there is a lot of promise in Shimano and Campa’s new spider design; I like the idea of getting ride of the BCD and just having a one size fits all. On my Graveur in particular.
*old man croak* In my day our low gear was 42 x 19 and you’d see guys fighting out hill primes or finishes at a tempo of approximately 20rpm – you kids don’t know how lucky you are with your “contact gearing”! *shakes walking stick* *incontinence*
The last cassette I bought was 11-21. This entire post and most of the comments are unpossible for me to comprehend.
@minion
Unpossible?
@minion
Mine is 11-25. I had an major pain cave experience on a steep climb recently so bought a 12-30 to use it instead, particularly for hilly routes.
I have since meditated on Rule #5 and have decided to put off fitting it for as long as possible in the hope that I can stop being such a big baby.
@RobSandy
I’m debating internally on whether the fact that I fit my new cassette myself (first time doing that) or that it’s an 11-28 to replace an 11-25 carries more weight. One step forward, one step back…
@Quasar
It’s an easy job (if you have a chain whip and a sprocket tool). I normally make a pigs ear of any task and last time I did it it took me less than 5 minutes.
How much difference does the extra 3 teeth make?
@RobSandy
@RobSandy
It certainly turned out to be easy, once I had the tools. This was more a matter of finally having a go. I haven’t tried the new cassette yet as we have 20-40cm of snow right now (and clear ice banks under that) so the steed of choice at the moment is my 29er with spiked tyres. That is why I’m replacing a lot of things on my road bike now (cassette, chain, all cables, bar tape, all entirely minor things for the majority of the crowd here), giving me time to correct fuckups or have the LBS do it before April…
The 11-28 was chosen for just one climb, I can’t wait to have a go at it although it will probably not be until May as the road does not open until then.
@ErikdR
48×16 seems to do the trick. It’s fairly hilly here in Tennessee, and if I go much stiffer than this getting uphill becomes unpleasant, and going bigger makes spinning down hill awful. I also keep an 18t freewheel on the flip/flop for a bailout gear on brevets.
The 48×16 plus a 165mm crank and 24mm tubs yields about 79 gear-inches.
That winds up giving you approximately 45.5 kph @ 120 RPM, and a cruising speed of 34.1kph at 90rpm. That’s fast enough to keep up with all but the fastest of the groups around here, and will get you down most hills without requiring too much braking.
@antihero
Excellent. Thanks!
I have no experience whatsoever with riding fixed, but I suppose it would be wise (to put it mildly) to start out in relatively flat terrain, and build it up from there? (Luckily, there are quite a few roads with only mild inclines nearby, and I can save the steeper hills for later. Looking forward to trying this, once the weather gets a little bit less nasty here in DK.
I assume you actually use your legs quite a bit to slow down on the decline, prior to (or in combination with) applying the brakes?
@antihero
Here’s an idea: how about an article on the ins and outs of riding fixed, submitted to Velominati.com? (Just a thought…)
@ErikdR
Your legs generally take the place of the rear brake, yes. While it’s trendy to ride fully brakeless, that’s unsafe and should not be encouraged in places other than a velodrome. But a fixie only really NEEDS a front brake. Mine has both, for symmetry of the handlebars, and because I have a flip/flop rear so sometimes it’s just a singlespeed rather than a fixed.
@SamFromTex Check – and cheers.
I remember reading (ages ago, in the 70’s) that there used to be a tradition (in the Netherlands, at least – where there are no hills to speak of) for letting junior cyclists ride fixed for a season or two, before they were even allowed to start using a derailleur – in order to prevent them from mashing to heavy a gear right off the bat, I reckon.
And of course, I’ve often heard that going fixed contributes to a good pedal stroke. I think I see a new rear wheel in my immediate future.
@Chris
Yeah…this would be the subject of endless pisstaking. But I have to say that the CCX is an incredible bike and I can see why he’d want to ride it there.
@SamFromTex
I use a front and rear brake: I like the additional control that the rear gives me on fast downhills, and the symmetry as well. Just rolling front-only is cool too – this is just personal preference. I don’t use my legs for braking – it totally kills my knees. Leg speed control for subtle velocity corrections is important in a paceline, though. You’ll find it’s very fluid and pleasant once you get used to it.
Riding brakeless is childish idiocy (outside the track, of course.) Besides, good tubs are $100 a pop, and riding brakeless will destroy a good tire in short order. The kiddies that skid buy nasty hard rubber bricks for their rear tires.
Flat to rolling terrain is where the fixed-gear shines, for sure. Climbing isn’t the pain that it’s often made out to be, either: you wind up using a different set of muscles when climbing fixed, and you learn to extract every ounce of leverage from the foot/heel/knee that you can. It can be taxing until you get used to it. Just apply more V and you’re set :-)
It’s getting down that’s the problem – if you ride any big hills regularly you’ll soon learn to spin at crazy rates. The trick is that once you get spun out, it’s easy to lose control of the rear wheel, and then you’re in for a world of pain unless you channel the souplesse.
Ah, and don’t forget: you can’t stop pedaling. Ever. If you do, the bike will remind you of this fact in unsubtle fashion.
@ErikdR
Tempting. I’ll consider it….
@ErikdR
Interesting…makes sense to me. Same reason that they keep juniors in restricted gears.
There’s been a good bit of debate about the fixed-gear > good pedal stroke thing. The current wisdom seems to be against it, but I disagree. I think that riding fixed has taught me loads about how to get maximum efficiency from my pedal stroke. It’s certainly taught me how to spin at 140rpm without bouncing on the saddle. (Well, without bouncing much. Depends on how tired I am.)
@antihero
When I ride fixed it’s usually agreed with my mates that I get a free pass to attack the climb to avoid stalling, and get a headstart on the descent that follows where they’ll catch me anyways.
There’s a nearby ~80km loop that I ride a lot, and it wasn’t until I rode it fixed that I realized it includes a 20km false flat, lightly downhill with a constant backwind. Spent 40 minutes hanging on for dear life until I dropped out the back…
@tessar
That’s the rhythm, for sure. Kind of like a see-saw.
Any you always wondered why that section was so easy….
@antihero
I wouldn’t dream of ever riding a fixie without brakes – and it’s precisely this aspect of “not being able to stop pedaling – ever”, that has kept me from trying fixed in the first place. I’ve had some knee trouble recently and would be very nervous about attempting anything that might make matters worse. But I’m definitely going to try it, with both brakes firmly in place. Small steps.