Dogs I Have Known
Flies and dogs, two things that we don’t need on a climb.
I had descended down this street many times, but I had never before ridden up it. I even said hello to the two excited pitbulls on the other side of the driveway gate. I like dogs. I like them until one of them squeezes under the gate and I’m going uphill slowly. Pitbulls aren’t the fastest breed out there but they can haul ass when they have incentive. He was under the fence and closing the distance to me in seconds. Yelling and sprinting uphill; this could be a new speciality in the sport of cycling. I can shout curses, commands and climb at the same time, a skill the professionals never show off. He was right next to my rear wheel yet I escaped. The damage to my heart and nerves may last forever.
There was an older pitbull on our Sunday ride route. It always added a frisson as we approached the slight uphill bend. Sometime he was waiting for us, sometimes not. Luckily by the time I joined the rides he was a little more bark than bite and a watery blast from a bidon backed him off. Then he was down to three legs. Last time I saw him he was relaxing on the side of the road, he picked up his head and watched us ride by, and put his head down again. Score one for the cyclists.
It’s always a climb when some dog needs to chase me.
In New Mexico, on a rural highway, two dogs saw me from a house above the road. The dogs flew down into a deep gulch between the road and the house. I shifted up and started Hornering (must add to lexicon) my ass up the long hill, hoping they couldn’t get through the gulch. Please baby jesus don’t let them get through that gulch. They must have had a well worn path through that gulch as they were quickly coming up my side with only a guardrail between them and me. Again, I had just enough time to get body and bike flying before they got under the guardrail. Fuckers.
The bidon squirting is a good method; it surprises dogs completely. But it’s hard to do when gripping the bars tightly and crushing the pedals whilst cursing at beast. Pulling a bidon out and spraying a dog in the face requires one let a dog get his face in spraying distance and I’m not that guy if I can help it.
Having your legs spinning in a blurred motion might be a deterrent for the close-in dog. It’s harder to bite a blur.
Stopping? Who dares to stop and put the bike between shaved leg and dog? No, I’m not that guy either. If there is nothing to chase, they won’t bother you. Really, what single breed of dog is that? Most nasty dogs can’t believe their luck that you stopped; it nearly takes the fun out of it for them. What, I can just bite you now? So you stop and do not get bitten, dog just sits there and dares you to ride off. It is a standoff, hoping the owner eventually comes out to see why his dog is barking? The owner is at work, he should be home by 5:30pm.
I’m a bad sprinter and a bad climber but when chased I can do both at the same time. Maybe I just need a canine coach. It would produce my best hour record on the track; a slavering German Shepard who can run 40 km/hr for an hour. In some damaged atavistic part of my brain I actually appreciate this seemingly life or death sprint. I don’t enjoy it but I appreciate it. In cave days we had a rock or spear to make sure we made it through the day. Now we have a big chainring and ergo-shifters to assure our survival.
Awesome! There was a German shep on one of the local routes that we’d do interval/ sprint practice on. Now this dog had a “gift”. It wouldn’t run at you, it would run straight at where you were going to be in 4-5 seconds. Leading you like you were a clay pigeon. So you’d slow, and he’d adjust. Speed up, adjust again. Teeth bared, soul crushing growl/ bark. Never got me, but fuck if it wasn’t hair raisingly close every time. It was sport for him.
This is why it’s good to do group rides – I don’t need to be the fastest guy up the hill, just not the slowest.
Was once chased by a dog sharing the same name as my wife (I know this b/c the owner fortunately heard the barking and shouted at her to cut it out). In the interest of marital harmony, I skipped the obvious joke when I got home.
I am always amazed at the complex geometry that dogs (animals) can do in their heads while running at top speed. I have a black and white mixed breed (boarder collie/shepard mix) on one of my routes that blasts out from under his coniferous den at top speed while solving for x. Luckily for me its on a rolling section, and with his appearance being as timely as a Swiss Chronograph, I can build enough speed to slip by just as he gets to my back wheel. Hair raising and fun (sometimes) at the same time. I then sit up and think to myself that under different circumstances he and I might be friends….
Yeah, sometimes stopping doesn’t work. It didn’t work once for my VMH on her commute.
Scaler, do you recall two dogs at a house on Skyline south of Rocky Pt. Rd., back in the late ’80s? It was on a descent after climbing Rocky Pt., so no worries just a little fun.
@PeakInTwoYears
Yes I do. The dog I was referring to was out by Vancouver Lake. Just south of the park.
I’ll add another vicious fauna to the list…
I’ve been attacked on a ride by what must have been some kind of hawk or osprey. I was riding on a rural back road on my own, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I get a SMACK! on the side of my head – it felt like someone had thrown a rock at me, but there was nobody around. It nearly knocked me off my bike, so I had to dismount. That’s when I noticed this giant bird swooping around and coming back for round 2. I quickly got back on my pedals and tried to high-tail it out of there, but not before that bastard got me again, this time I think he tried to grab me and lift me off my bike. I kept smashing the pedals and eventually got far enough out of range.
I don’t know what the hell was up with that dude…I must have been too close to the nest or something, but my helmet had a few massive gouges in it from its talons.
dogs….now thats something I can speak about. There are more dogs in the midwest than people it seems. Pit bulls, sure, but they don’t seem to be the worse offenders IMHO. Labs, the damn labs are the worst, as they have the sense to both territory and to retrieve. Some are just friendly, but the friendly bump is enough to do the job of taking you down as well as the intentional take down, the ends are the same. I have sometimes in my mundane world of routine, had the proverbial race to the fencepost corner with my neighbors dog, and day after day, i watch him, and he seemed enamored by the mechanical sounds of the drivetrain, as he never looked at me, but the harmonious sychronicity of my fanstastic spin.
So, then I did the following to the dog one day, I let up, like…hit the brakes and slowed significantly, as to say….ok, you caught me. He stopped, and didn’t know what to do. However, next morning, if i sprinted to the corner post, he did too. It seems almost a preditor-prey chase response, almost reflexive.
But I find communication to be my best friend when it comes to dogs. Not timidly if I feel the threat of Cujo. Like being loud, laced with vulgarities and deliberate. They sense that and seem to at least pause enough to let one go…at least to the end of their territory.
But for better or worse, intentioned or play, they all can take you down and make you spin circles on the pave’
Then there’s this little guy who was clearly hired by the grupetto to slow down the race
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeybuaS4sew
Gianni, you have missed your vocation (unless of course you earn your crust writing comedy). That article was fucking hilarious and nostalgic. Got chased by a bull terrier years ago when I was a postman on a Raleigh 501 with toe clips. I was walking back to the bike when I first heard it, then saw it and was unfortunately in 53×12. That gear plus toe clips that wouldn’t play meant the dog was gaining as I wound the speed up. Only escaped by crossing an intersection without stopping. Soiled kecks but legs intact.
Gianni, “Hornering” – genius, especially for those of us in that age range…!
First favorite dog story, Sunday training ride Woods Hole to Boston, long flat road somewhere by Carver. A typical cape house but with a huge front lawn, no cars or trees, dead straight road. Sitting next to (and I kid you not) a 3 year old little girl in a pink party dress is a massive Doberman looking like the Sphinxs.
Now I know dogs and I know dog owners and if I had a 3 year old and lived in a sketchy place like Carver with no neighbors and I wanted to watch the Patriots undisturbed on a Sunday afternoon Id be very comfortable with my huge Doberman watching my little angel.
There were 2 things in my favor, three if you count that they were nearer the house than the road, she (the bitch) did not see me first and I was in the best sprinting shape of my life. So there were a few seconds to gage trajectories, possible speeds and best outcomes… so I went for it – full out sprint mode.
She must have been young or did not get much practice on that lonely road, I only made it because she slightly misjudged her angle and at the end she had to curve to adjust. I consider that one of my best sprints – ever!
The other story is just funny, 5 guys out for a early spring training ride in New England farm country, windy dry day and as we started up a small rise we ALL heard that unmistakable sound of dog toe nails skritch-skratching across the road and like 5 scared rabbits we each got out of the saddle and went like hell, only to turn around and see dry winter leaves dancing across the road…
@Jaundo
Yeah up here in Calgary there used to be an infamous hawk that sat in some trees along the North Side of hwy 22x just west of town. Even had an event named after him at one point… there is nothing more ominous then being down on the drops with the sun behind you and seeing the shadow of the wingspan glide up behind/over you. Always made for a good sprint early in the ride….
I love dogs; I own three. But something melts in their brains when they see a human on a bike. It blew my pit puppy’s tiny little brain when she first saw me on a bike. My older lab/shep/pit mix (yes, coolest dog in the history of dogs) was just psyched I could finally move as fast as he always wanted me to.
It would suck to be a dog and basically have only one tool available for investigating stuff like spinning wheels and bee hives. I wouldn’t want to do that with my face, I’ll tell you that.
When I lived in North Carolina, I lived waaaay out in the country. The dogs were ferocious, their owners sitting on the porch, shouting encouragement to the chasing dogs. On one occasion, I heard the owner laughingly yell at this dog to “Get them fuckin’ fairy bike riders!”
Now, I say again, I love dogs, but they were so fast and so mean, the only recourse we had was to ride with pepper spray. Talk about stopping a dog in their tracks.
This article reminds me of my favorite scene from my favorite worst cycling movie, American Fliers.
@frank One theory is that dogs don’t understand that cyclists are humans. When you yell at them they get it and might back off. It’s worked for me.
Re the clip, dubbed into Italian no less. Nice touch.
@Brian
Re the complex geometry thing – if you think about it they would have been selected out long ago without the ability to do that. In fact as we don’t jink like a Rabbit the only surprise is that we are worth chasing!
I had a Rottweiler actually land in my lap when going down a trail a few years back. Fortunately it was only being friendly and wanted to play but it did knock me clean off the bike. First thing I saw was a black and brown blur out of the corner of my eye and next thing I was in the dirt with a bloomin’ great dog bouncing on me.
It is amazing how they can calculate lead. I’ve found that sometimes if you vector away and then cut right back into their intercept path it just befuckles their minds. But you only have one chance for that to work or you’re Alpo. Much more effective is the Kimber Double Shot Pepper Gun. Not only does it hold two large shots, but because its a gel and not a spray it’s good for 15-20 feet. Always in my back right pocket. Ive only had to use it once but it stopped Kujo dead in my tracks. As a dog owner I felt sorry for him but if someone has to go, then better him.
@teocalli
Best reason yet for not riding in the Sit Up and Beg position.
@frank
Ha Ha – my excuse was that I was on a Mountain Bike at the time. Which as I was on a trail helped due to the fact that the resulting crash was into the bushes and not onto tarmac had I been on the road.
I was only thinking the other day that with all the complex and intelligent things dogs do, how come they still get in such a mess when on a lead and they go the wrong side of a lamp-post?
With regard to the picture at the top, it could indeed be worse: he could have a bell on that bike.
Dogs out here are invariably feral. Dogs are haram… forbidden, unclean. Muslims don’t have them as pets and I know people who’ve had to move from apartment blocks because people objected to the mere presence of dogs. Kids will scale walls and stone pet dogs in backyards – their attitude to animals generally is pretty appalling.
So there aren’t many but you can imagine that the ones that are around are the meanest, most cunning and nastiest specimens that have managed to evade capture and abuse over years.
One of them took up residence in a building site on the way to our group ride. It was a white, sandy coloured mongrel which is particularly useful when you live in a whiteish, sandy environment. Especially if you want to lie quietly and wait for any passing cyclist pootling along absent-mindedly looking forward to his club ride and not at all thinking he was about to be surprised by one of Satan’s minions rushing headlong into the road.
I was so startled I actually fell off – luckily the beast didn’t press home his advantage and returned to his lair without giving me rabies and whatever else he carried. Our support car driver – a devout Muslim – would happily have run the fucker over if he came out when we were passing back that way.
After that I was prepared to pass at speed and drop him by going right out into the road, and after a few months the site was cleared and the dog disappeared.
On that note, can I post a picture of a puppy – our new puppy, Fitz, nine weeks old and just came home last Friday. It’s like having a little ewok running around the house, and he will definitely not chase bikes.
@GogglesPizano
I am in Calgary! This happened to me out in Bearspaw
@VeloVita
That would be me…
@Brian
Very true. Innate algebra and geometry, that has not been bred out of them, unfortunately.
@Souleur
and they have just the right amount of dumb. In Hawaii pitbulls are the black labs. Everyone has them, most are nice and some are bad news. I always thought it was herding dogs who wanted to chase but I think most animals want to chase. It’s their brand.
@Elric
I’ve considered pepper spray but now that I re-amputated (it grew back!) my EMPS I don’t have room for it. I would be a good teaching tool for dogs who chase too. Better to shoot the owner first, to make him understand.
And you are correct about re-vectoring, some missed that class and can’t recalculate as well.
@Rob Do you think the doberman would have gone after you if you had cruised by at 10 kph? Who wants to find out? They are obliged to chase when they see you in the 53×12 trying to get by their house and their little princess.
the long hill, hoping they couldn’t get through the gulch. Please baby jesus don’t let them get through that gulch.
Gulch!? Sounds like a cowboy movie. Get on your horse and git out of towm pardner
@Gianni hey, maybe that image was not clear? Little girl sitting on grass, huge dawg sitting next to her – job description – tear apart anything that moves within 100 meters of said girl, no questions asked, none expected… Really, I was just throwing the dice and trying to get back to Boston with out a half hour delay in trying to figure out how to get past this beast on my pegs holding the 753 in front of me… Today in my current shape I’d be riding back the way I came.
My favorite dog deterrent is the water bottle, had some hilarious results and am always disappointed when I do not get to deploy it. A good shot in both eyes and Kujo can turn into confused whimpering tail tucked lap dog.
This works: I carry some small firecrackers that detonate by compression. Just throw one down on a hard surface, preferably close to the chasing dog, and BAM! Not only stops dogs in their tracks, but they’ll remember the next time and not chase. So far, it’s worked every time. The “pop-pops” as they’re called, are about one inch long, and cylindrical (like the size of a pencil). Easy to carry in the jersey pocket (weigh next to nothing), easy to access when needed. I got 20 in a box for $1. Will go back to Missouri for more (not sold in Iowa). A great dog-training device (doesn’t hurt the dog).
@gilly
This is my only comedy writing outlet. Soon the paychecks will be rolling in, very soon. Glad to amuse.
@meursault
Gulch, yeah, I’m not sure what else to call it? Ravine? It was New Mexico so it sounded about right, buckeroo!
@Rob
No, you did explain that properly. These situations are sized up in seconds, gears chosen and sprints started all in the blink of an eye. Both you and the doberman understood the game.
Maybe it’s hot enough in Florida to keep the dogs in the shade, too hot to chase bikes.
around here I always seem to encounter cattle be it on the road bike or the Mtb. They always want to run in the direction I am riding and are totally un predictable on when they will cross my path. I just slow down, let them do there thing and then pass them as soon as there is an opening
@uptitus
GENIUS. hmmm, must scour fireworks display at Costco around chinese new year. pop-pops.
@Gianni i was in florida & got chased by a pitbull mix of some kind. granted, i was riding a mountain bike down a dirt road & definitely in his territory. i saw i wasn’t going fast enough nor did i get enough of a headstart on a sprint to outlast him. i decided to use the biggest thing i could to distance myself from him, the bike. i skidded to a stop, hopped off, put the bike between us. i figured if he gets close enough to lunge at me, i’m gonna swing either end of this f*cker as hard as i can to make contact & redirect his charge. he also came sliding to a stop, then just stood there looking at me, about 10 feet away. i’ve never had goosebumps as big as that before, & the hair on the back of my neck was standing straight up. i started yelling “go home”, & after a few seconds i think he kinda sized up the situation & thought better of it & walked back off into the brush.
another time (after i converted to riding road) i was w/ a pal on a narrow country back road. we go by the little farmhouse w/ a fence. all of a sudden barking commences, & before we realize it we’re being chased by a jack russell terrier. i was a few feet ahead of my mate, & i turned around to see how he was doing. the dog had definitely figured out the attack vector & was nipping right at the spinning feet/pedals. they matched speed & in a flash the terrier caught a downward pedalstroke & got pushed under the rear wheel. my friend rolled over him, & the terrier was spit out underneath the bike, flipping ass over teakettle. by this point we both were watching & coasting, since the threat was over. he tumbled maybe three times, righted himself, shook off the dust, barked once, then ran back to his yard. i’ve never laughed so hard at what could have been a pretty serious crash.
@wiscot Hey, I’ve got a bell on my bike!
Acutally, I was notcing the size of the mud flap at the end of the front fender…gotta get one my my bike, as winter’s coming and I’m in Seattle!
@Gianni
Yeah, brilliant. I bet those little paper snap caps would work well too, as long as they didn’t essplode in your jersey pocket.
i turn and ride full speed at the dogs. freaks them out when 85 kilos of angry man on a steel horse charges.
@Nate
Yeah I thought that too. Picture a big flash and a bike wobbling along with just a pair of smoking cycle shoes still in the cleats……..
http://www.sounddefense.com/
This just made a appearance K-9 sound defense with bike attachment. Not sure if it will work on a fly. I think I will just work on riding faster.
@VeloVita
Superb
HIlarious article and responses.
@Gianni “Then he was down to three legs” Almost wet myself at that!
Maybe Cipo’s zebra suit and frame wasn’t marketing at all. He was harnessing nature to ward off dog attacks. It seems the DS was scared too.
Timely, on group ride this weekend a Blue heeler tried to make a dash across the front, thought better, then wanted to do it again! Guy mid pack “Thought I was going to have to bunnyhop it!”, me “yeah, that was a bit bigger than a bunny”..
Dogs: Nature’s spring zones.
@EricW SPRINT. Stupid phone keyboard.
@Teocalli A pic of a charred Wile E Coyote on bicycle would be apt. Unfortunately Google Images was not forthcoming.
@Bianchi Denti Cipo was also known to distract canines with small pastries.
Why do the dogs always seem to have owners who enjoy seeing them chase you? Two pits used to regularly corner me on a steep climb coming around a bend where I had absolutely no chance of getting past them. It sucked. Their owner occasionally came out of the trailer cussing and screaming, not sure if it was at me or the dogs.
One chihuahua used to chase me all the time. Haven’t seen it in awhile, but I have been seriously considering aiming at it instead of steering around it next time. I know it’s down to a shitty owner, but damn, I hate little dogs with fucking terrible attitudes.
Nice one, Gianni!
This what Zefal frame pumps were designed for. En guard Chien.
Gianni, it has already been said above but fuck’in brilliant article!!! Just killed me.
I ran the tail of a huge black snake in Georgia once. That thing struck back towards me and scared the shit out of me. It was laying at the base of a climb on the tar sunning itself. Jesus that scared me more than almost anything else on a bike ever has.
But we all have a dog story. My worst dogs were when I was riding in TN. Very similar to what Frank was talking about with the locals cheering the dogs on. Crazy days!
Such a great article.
The only time I’ve been “attacked” by a dog while riding was by a tiny little fucking thing about the size of a cat that came running after me on a country road with a bit of an incline.
It was so small I didn’t want to unclip and outright kick it out of fear of hurting it, and I didn’t want to run it over on accident and kill it/crash, so it basically jumped and scratched at me until it finally turned around and went home. Miserable little thing…
@Nate Pastries! We get to have pastries?! And beer?! Fantastic!