Dogs I Have Known
Flies and dogs, two things that we don’t need on a climb.
I had descended down this street many times, but I had never before ridden up it. I even said hello to the two excited pitbulls on the other side of the driveway gate. I like dogs. I like them until one of them squeezes under the gate and I’m going uphill slowly. Pitbulls aren’t the fastest breed out there but they can haul ass when they have incentive. He was under the fence and closing the distance to me in seconds. Yelling and sprinting uphill; this could be a new speciality in the sport of cycling. I can shout curses, commands and climb at the same time, a skill the professionals never show off. He was right next to my rear wheel yet I escaped. The damage to my heart and nerves may last forever.
There was an older pitbull on our Sunday ride route. It always added a frisson as we approached the slight uphill bend. Sometime he was waiting for us, sometimes not. Luckily by the time I joined the rides he was a little more bark than bite and a watery blast from a bidon backed him off. Then he was down to three legs. Last time I saw him he was relaxing on the side of the road, he picked up his head and watched us ride by, and put his head down again. Score one for the cyclists.
It’s always a climb when some dog needs to chase me.
In New Mexico, on a rural highway, two dogs saw me from a house above the road. The dogs flew down into a deep gulch between the road and the house. I shifted up and started Hornering (must add to lexicon) my ass up the long hill, hoping they couldn’t get through the gulch. Please baby jesus don’t let them get through that gulch. They must have had a well worn path through that gulch as they were quickly coming up my side with only a guardrail between them and me. Again, I had just enough time to get body and bike flying before they got under the guardrail. Fuckers.
The bidon squirting is a good method; it surprises dogs completely. But it’s hard to do when gripping the bars tightly and crushing the pedals whilst cursing at beast. Pulling a bidon out and spraying a dog in the face requires one let a dog get his face in spraying distance and I’m not that guy if I can help it.
Having your legs spinning in a blurred motion might be a deterrent for the close-in dog. It’s harder to bite a blur.
Stopping? Who dares to stop and put the bike between shaved leg and dog? No, I’m not that guy either. If there is nothing to chase, they won’t bother you. Really, what single breed of dog is that? Most nasty dogs can’t believe their luck that you stopped; it nearly takes the fun out of it for them. What, I can just bite you now? So you stop and do not get bitten, dog just sits there and dares you to ride off. It is a standoff, hoping the owner eventually comes out to see why his dog is barking? The owner is at work, he should be home by 5:30pm.
I’m a bad sprinter and a bad climber but when chased I can do both at the same time. Maybe I just need a canine coach. It would produce my best hour record on the track; a slavering German Shepard who can run 40 km/hr for an hour. In some damaged atavistic part of my brain I actually appreciate this seemingly life or death sprint. I don’t enjoy it but I appreciate it. In cave days we had a rock or spear to make sure we made it through the day. Now we have a big chainring and ergo-shifters to assure our survival.
@Gianni it’s about the only thing I retained from my timin back seat of F-16s. Speed and energy is everything and its all about the math. It’s funny that such higher order thinking that separates the true pilots from plane drivers is so deeply bred into canines. But I guess the ones who couldn’t died out eons ago.
The last second turn in is highly effective but not for the weak of heart and requires room to set up because you’re bleeding energy heading roadside. Time to go to guns! Seriously, if you dont want your pepper spray in your face buy quality (Kimber) and invest in a second one to practice with. Those importance of practice cannot be overstated…. “You never want to do anything for the first time in combat.” Especially when as under armed as you are. BTW…. It also works on rednecks.
One of our dogs freaks out about bikes. Whenever I am riding out or in he barks, raises his back hair, and tries to bite at my shoes. Not super-motivated, maybe he is just scared or playing?
Gianni, you are quite the word wrench. Top marks. Bringing your guns to a dogfight.
Got a Schwinn Varsity for my 16th birthday…a looong time ago. First ride, not 2 miles from home, Mrs. Nadeau’s German Shepherd chases me, crosses in front (must have thought I was faster), I broadsided him and went down. Her son came out and punched the dog in the face, I felt bad for the dog. Only damage was handlebar tape unraveled.
While heading out for Sunday rides a couple of years ago, a dog would chase and cross in front of me (maybe I look fast or attract dumb dogs), pissed me off. One time the owner was in the yard. I yelled at him that if I crashed because of his dog, he wouldn’t believe how much my bike cost. Never saw the dog again.
@uptitus
Yeah great until you fall of and land on them!! :-D
The last dog that chased me was up a 22%. Man that hurt! The PB stills stands and I secretly which it would do it again but I have never seen it since.
Here in Orstralia we have magpies (birds). Dogs too, but magpies in breeding season will bounce off your helmet 2 or 3 times before you get out of territory. The standard recreational and commuter defence is cable ties on the helmet – pointing upward. You can imagine the consequent conformance problem. There is an unofficial local Rule on this – maybe there should be a proper one.
@Gee Tee
FUCKING MAGPIES
I was hit twice last weekend.
Magpies fly at ~50 km/h, are highly territorial and are very aggressive. The fact they FLY makes them harder to defend against than dogs – the bidon defence is impossible, and all you can do is run.
Plus they often attack on main roads, so you can’t try to escape by dodging.
I’ve never resorted to the cable ties thing, but I did see a guy with ping-pong balls on the end of cable ties a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know what that does to magpies, but it made me nearly fall off my bike.
@Gianni
Bit like stopping to put the Nike’s on whilst you and your mate are being chased by a hungry Lion on your African Safari, Mate asks “why are you putting your running shoes on? You wont outrun the lion !” You reply “I know, I only have to outrun you !”
I hate it when I get chased, but get a kick looking at the heart rate data post ride…
@The Grande Fondue
Exactly, Robbie McEwen recently tweeted that he would rather be injured by a Magpie attack than resort to zip ties on the helmet. I tend to agree, but after the fact, not sure I agree during the attack, they are vicious little bastards. They have everything at their disposal, flight, speed, surprise and a fkn sharp long beak. You know the shits about to hit the fan when they leave the ground and fly up to a electricity pole and start scraping their beak along it, as if to say ” Do you feel lucky punk, well do ya ?”
Old dog story: Me, teenager, sprinting down the farm road that was ‘mostly’ the safest route home but for the German shepherd who took it into his head to bring the hate, every fucking time. I’d approach his domain with terror, looking for him, ready for full on balls out life saving sprint. After several sack shriveling events with this 4 legged asshat, one of which nearly got me creamed from behind by a truck, I wanted him to die. A plan evolved, and was employed next time out.
As previously noted, dogs have a genius for picking the line of least travel to intercept hapless riders, and as expected, El Doucho picked that line, and while staring at me hit full ‘got you this time, fucker!’ speed, promptly slamming into a parked pickup in mid growl. He was maybe a foot away. I’d seen him coming, of course, and had altered my line to ‘maximum risk with potential of maximum payback’ and skimmed my knuckles on the pickup’s dirt. Sprinting full on, aimed at a parked vehicle = teeth gritting shitty bad times with a decent result. In hockey, this would have been boarding, or a blind side open ice hit maybe, except the vehicle was parked.
El Doucho was a non-starter next time I readied for the sprint. Looked over, then sniffed at the dirt. I never said he was stupid.
I see Mr Lemond is back in town, got a picture but wont seem to download, bugger, he wouldnt get chased by dogs, he would be doing the chasing!
His new bikes look OK also
I also had to deal with a daily dice with a dog, till one day he got so close that he received the downward stroke of a beartrap peddle going full V on the top of his head. The dog yelps, I am having major balance and trajectory problems on the wrong side of the road. I stay upright, so did the dog, we look at each other,call it quits and both sulk of home. He never stepped outside gate again though.
Just in reference to the lead photo…
Did you ‘shop in the Liestrong cockring or is this proof COTHO didn’t pioneer anything!
I had a paperound when I was a teenager that I did by BMX. It was in a fairly well to-do area with big houses and long sloping drives. One of the houses had a small lake and a flock of around 25 canadian geese that tried to attack me every single day. They were evil fuckers. The worst part was the noise they made as they were chasing me up the drive rather than the odd goose peck that they managed to land. I still hate geese.
For me, the most dangerous dogs are the ones being walked with retractable leads. When one of those runs across your path stretching that lead out like a bike height trip wire you soon have to decide if you can stop in time.
@harminator
The lead photo is an updated version of this, which is better but not big enough. No cockring or he was wearing the black HTFU band.
@starclimber
“Boarding” a German Shepard is excellent. Score another for the cyclist. Is there a worse breed out there? Ill tempered evil dogs, good for little else but scaring people. Have I ever met a truly friendly one? No. Asshats indeed.
@Bianchi Denti
I actually own that kit. It’s buried deep in my estate thankfully. Three of us fat bastards bought them at once and we scared a lot more family members than animals. More tittering than terror, actually. While the whole team wore that, really only Cipo pulled it off.
The gent in the lead photo is beyond awesome. There might be fuckload of Rule contraventions but if you’re going to be cycling around the savannah then white shirt and trousers is clearly de rigueur. And those shoes…
“Darling, fix me stiff drink, that lion got just a little too close for comfort. I really must go back to the 11 tooth cassette”
@norm
The force is strong within me and so I will risk embedded video again and making a fool of myself……..
The above re retractable leads reminded me of this……
Oh rowlocks!
Back to dunces corner here’s the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBlQTZqB3AQ
Dogs were one of the reasons for carrying a frame mounted pump, back in the days! When I was a kid just getting into racing, a spot of jousting with the local canines was always one of the highlights of any training run.
Fast Phil takes some irresponsible dog owners to task.
@Chris
His flannels are indeed gleaming but he has neglected to put on socks – a Rule contravention unless of course he took the time to dress before mounting his steed as the lion was bearing down towards him in which case the sock omission may be forgiven as an oversight just this once.
@Andy Pandy
Hmm – now if you modernise that we carry CO2 cylinders. Why did the closing scene from Jaws come to mind? I love dogs. Mostly. There are no such thing as bad dogs just bad dog owners.
@norm I hear you. If I ever have a need to protect an innocent with some sort of beast, it will be a number of geese. Those mofos are the most territorial and protective things known to man – behindfalkland islanders of course
@mcsqueak
Was it this dog? She’s always been nice to you:
@Marcus
Ding, ding, ding…first Falkland Islander joke registered on the site. Congratulations. Your free pair of socks are in the mail.
I agree about geese, they suck. A samurai sword is all they understand. I carry a sword over my back like Toshiro Mifune in The Seven Samurai when riding near geese.
@Marcus
Is your middle name Manlius by any chance ?
@uptitus
I’m glad that works for you. I never thought carrying explosives would be a great idea, and I’d be afraid I’d squeeze too hard trying to monkey it out of my jersey and have a little mini explosion in my hand. If I don’t have the motor skills to grab a bottle of water I reach for 20 times a day without looking, then I definitely don’t have the skills not to blow my fingers off with a panic firecracker reach.
@Ron
Maybe it has more to do with the trailer than the dogs?
@Buck Rogers
These fuckers sun themselves on the roads of the dry side of East Maui. Gianni put the fear in me that one could hit one, it would wrap itself around your front wheel and then go flinging up into your face.
Completely fucked. They have a vicious bite, I hear tell.
@frank
Holy shit. Tell me that’s plastic. I note the scar on the hand…big surprise there…
@scaler911
I said “cat sized”, not “rat sized”!
@Gianni
I found that if you ride through their territory meowing like a cat they run away FAST! Sure, I look like an idiot but at least the fuckers aren’t attacking me!
@norm
i remember that, and thought they deserved a good ass chewing, i mean who brings their dogs, and let them off the leash, when the peloton rides by….really
If Fido doesn’t appear to be truly lethal it can be a fun little race. A more badass pup, and I full-stop and and go after him making it clearly apparent that I’ll beat his farking brains in. So far that method has shocked the hell out of all of ’em. Hope my luck holds.
@Barracuda
You piqued my interest on the LeMond bike thing, searching the googlesphere I can find articles that Greg’s relaunching the LeMond brand at Interbike, with Time making the frames, but I can’t find any photos. Interbike was a while ago now, but nothing.
Aggression is one thing, but there’s no substitute for dumb…
@frank I would rather have a pack of wild dogs chase me than one of those creepy bastards…full body shiver from that pic.
@Gianni
FUCK ME, Gianni!!! You are officially my favorite invisible friend! Not only did you conceiev and give birth to this thread all by yourself, you also figured a way to bring in Kurarsawa’s Seven Samurai, the greatest film ever made and mentioned Mifune at that same time.
Nirvana in a thread.
For you, Gianni!
@frank
Yeah, it probably has something to do with the fact that your bike cost more than their trailor. Bunch of Haters right there, man.
When I lived in Florida, long ago, the dogs and owners could be atrocious. One time, riding along a regular training route, a large beat up 4×4 pickup truck (red flag) approaches me from the opposite lane with a large rottweiler looking dog barking at me from the bed. No big deal, think I, given that the truck’s probably going 35 kph in the opposite direction. The beast subsequently jumps out of the moving truck as it’s coming by me, and fails to account for the 35kph it’s traveling as its front paws crumple beneath its weight and velocity and it slides along the tarmac toward me. The look on its face went from full raging snarl to “oh shit, I’m sliding on pavement,” as soon as the realization of what was happening hit it. Fortunately for me, this miscalculation on the dog’s part also resulted in it sliding by helplessly under my left pedal.
I hauled ass.
@Gianni
Quick point of correction, though: Kikuchiyo’s sword in the Seven Samurai was too long to be worn over his back. Strictly a side carry sword right there.
@Buck Rogers Spot on. The two swords on the back thing seems more ninja than samurai.
@Gianni
Yes, Geese can be downright VICIOUS to passers-by. Especially after when tending to the hatchlings. I rode to work along the Bay Trail one day (just one, never again after this) and had to deal with not one or two, but six different sets of parents. I slowed down a bit as I rode past, but the fuckers hissed at me and got all puffed-up like you wouldn’t believe.
You don’t know fear until you’ve been chased by a herd of angry chihuahuas nipping at your heels.
@San Tonio
@ChrisO thanks for the history lesson – wasnt familiar with Marcus Manlius. But it sounds like he would have liked geese. I dont even like fois gras.
Got pecked by a fucking magpie yesterday whilst running. So they are fuckers too.
@Marcus
Serves you right for “running”.