In our continuing guest article series, @eightzero weighs in on the modern cycling jersey. It’s made of some unholy material which has a half-life of fifty years and unless you crash in it, it’s still in your kit drawer.
Yours in Cycling, Gianni
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As the song goes, “we need dirty laundry” so goes the pile of road gear. While the preferred kit is the Sacred Garments of the Velominati, it is also true that said SGs need periodic washing. Nothing is worse (and potentially dangerous to one’s health) than pulling on yesterday’s bibs and jersey. I know the commandment to heed Rule #5 at all times, but staph infections are taking it to the extreme. I suspect even The Keepers would not endorse throwing one’s self to the pavement intentionally to acquire road rash just so we can look like Jens. Since giving the Machine a quick rub down after the ride is a priority, getting the SGs through the laundry often requires a delay.
Thus, most Velominati have a store of various bibs, base layers, gloves, and jerseys. And the latter is what gives me pause. Oh, what to do with those jerseys acquired with stars in my eyes – when those same jerseys and logos were adorned by the True Giants of the Road I so wished to emulate? A certain Texan made buying postage stamps cool, and then I had to have shark week on my TV. My sister-in-law was afflicted by MS, so it was natural that I show my support for the Tyler Hamilton Foundation, and his teeth grinding rides with CSC. And then, I had to look like Floyd. Had to. He was the Guy That Got Screwed. The guy that stood up to the alphabet soup groups. The guy that was going to make a difference and provide the hardmen with fairness.
Yeah, that turned out well.
I do my level best not to think that I have more invested in cycling clothing than I do in Machines. This clothing stuff is expensive. And, even though I now know that USPS was likely defrauded, that THF spent donations on Ty’s legal defense, that I can’t afford cable TV anymore (much less a science-y channel on the premium lineup) that CSC… well… hell, I don’t even know what CSC makes. And of course, Floyd has moved on to something called NASCAR, something I don’t even think of as sport. (I know I am going to catch hell for that, but really, driving in circles isn’t even exercise. What will be next? Olympic bus riding?) But I still have all these perfectly functional cycling kits and jerseys. They will function just fine, but somehow they always seem to find their way to the bottom of the stack, far, far below the SGs. I seek the path of the Velominati, and it is oh so hard to feel the guiding hand of Merckx upon me when resplendent in the wardrobe of… douchebags.
I guess I can be a little philosophical – I did resist the urge to buy Rock Racing’s kit – the most expensive of them all. Sure it looked pretty jazzy – I even met Michael Ball once – but $280 for a jersey? No wonder the dude has more money than, well, the United States. And I just never did get around to a Bahati Foundation jersey. I think my internet connection was down the day Floyd was on that team. My dad does like his Phonak hearing aid I got for him though. So I got that going for me.
So, off I go to eBay again looking for bargains. I see BMC kit prices are way, way up. For now. Sigh. Guess I’ll have to have one. La vie Velominatus.
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What's all this, then? No, sorry, it got completely silly. Move along.
Trying to find cheap jerseys that aren't loose fit is nearly impossible, anyone have suggestions?
@frank
Right on both counts, Frank. Although the Shamals are decalled up rather than painted. And @Ron they are socks as shoe covers.
Do you all notice that the orange jersey right in the middle of the story image says "Cyclops" on it?
@DerHoggz
Try a size down from the size you think you should be wearing? I've certainly found inexpensive jerseys that seem to fit very well, but are not made with as nice of fabric as their expensive counterparts.
Also look for keywords such as "race fit" (tight) instead of "club fit" (loose).
@DerHoggz
Put on weight until the jersey fits snuggly and you're too fat to climb?
@Nate
The strokes are called V1, V2, and V2-Alternate. Not shit. Fucking hardman's sport, bitches.
@Marko
I won Sectionals one year using the same lunge. We came into the stadium and I was cooked because I was using the race as training for the State Champs the next week and didn't really care if I won or not, so I did the idiot tactical thing and just lead this other guy the whole way around the course because it was better training for my goals. We came into the stadium and he passed me and I was fried so I let him go; we came around the last bend and he hit a snow drift (it was a cold, windy day) and being heavier I just kind of rolled up within range and I gave the sprint a shot. Full-on sprint right to the line, he used a V2 and I used a V1. Most people think the V2 is faster for sprinting, but I could always sprint better in a V1 because of my ludicrously long legs covered a lot of ground during the jump between strokes. Pipped him on the line.
That was unquestionably the most fun I've ever had in a race. The stadium, the crowd, the narrowness fo the win. It felt totally Pro.
@mblume
He didn't do so well at the last Olympics, but the VMH and I had dinner up on Blackcomb Mountain in this hut that you have to take the now mobile to. We got there and most of the tiny chalet had been reserved by the NORWEGIAN OLYMPIC COMMITTEE. The chairman for some reason took a liking to us and spent most of the night getting hammered and telling us stories about Bjoerndalen and Daelhe. Man, they worship those dudes.
Anyway, he gave me his NOC sweater before we left. Pretty fucking cool. Oh, and Dale of Norway's founder was there too, and we met her as well. That was one stunning woman, even at 65 or however old she was.
@DerHoggz
Bamboo is a joke - it's really just rayon. A microweight merino wool layer is great in summer, if you need a base layer.
@Oli
(Putting his big boy pants on) Right whatever. I'm calling you on that, looks to me like it's a mavic cosmic hub. Yes you heard me, Oli, everyone, you're WRONG! Five minutes of googling images for Saeco and Mavic were a wheel sponsor at some point. Dunno when but that doesn't look like a campy hub to me.
(Prepares to be taken down a peg or 6.)So there. Big boy pants over and out.
Eff it it looks like a Helium front hub. Meh. That's what didn't compute.