Categories: EtiquetteFFS FridayNostalgia

Hello Operator

Hello, could you connect me to Dr. Ferrari please? Or just give me a Ferrari in my bottom bracket.

Marco Pantani had Armstrong on the ropes. It was the Col de Joux Plane in the 2000 Tour de France and the only time Pharmy was in real, genuine difficulty during any of his “seven” Tours. So he did what any reasonable rider would do: he got on the radio with his team boss and demanded he call his coach and renowned doping genius Michele Ferrari to find out precisely how long Pantani could sustain his effort. Ferrari crunched some numbers on his custom Effort Finder-Outer Machine and got back with the good news that Pantani couldn’t hold the pace to the finish.

The problem Batman had with The Joker was that Batman was rational and The Joker was insane. And insane people don’t always do what rational people expect them to do. Like having a plan, for instance. Or wanting to make it to the finish at all. Lance wasn’t Batman – not by a stretch – and Pantani wasn’t insane. But the point is, they weren’t thinking about the race the same way. Armstrong wanted to win the Tour de France but was a stubborn ass who was too proud to let the world’s best climber drop him. Pantani, on the other hand, had already lost everything and been to Hell and back; he had nothing to lose and was more than willing to sacrifice his own Tour if it meant he could fuck with Pharmstrong, even for a bit.

So he rode until the lights went out and climbed into the team car. Ciao. Armstrong was left holding the bag. Or, rather, not holding a mussette with any food in it. Bon jour, Monsieur avec le Hammer. Comment allez vous?

Cyclists have always used whatever dubious means they can find in order to gain an advantage, this is not news. It is only natural in a sport as demanding as this, which is not to say it is by any means excusable. But cheating has been woven into the fabric of our sport since the earliest days; in the first Tours de France several riders were disqualified for getting tows from teammates via cable and jumping on trains to rest the legs and gain a few extra kilometers over their rivals in the process.

When Greg LeMond helped pioneer the use of radios between riders and the team car, I hardly think he imagined his nemesis using the technology to contact the most notorious doping mastermind in the sport in order to gain a mid-race performance update from Italy. I don’t know why that feels so much worse than regular doping. It almost feels like putting a motor in your bottom bracket or something.

Motors? Now we’re getting far-fetched.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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chris says:

Aug 5 2016 at 10:45 am

@Steve Trice

Oh, and as previously mentioned, if she’s only been unavailable for testing three times in the last year, how unlucky is it that the vampires turned up on those very three days?

That would be suspicious if she was only targeted on three occasions, if it was 3 out of 30 attempts, less so.
ChrisO says:

Aug 5 2016 at 10:51 am

@Randy C

Let’s just say this: She’s apparently been following the process correctly for years and years and three times it’s cocked up and everyone throws her under bus so to speak ?!? And it NEVER should have been a public issue in first place.

For several weeks - until it was overturned on appeal - her status was of having missed three tests and she was not permitted to race. She was suspended by the UK anti-doping authority.

Far from it never needing to be a public issue, actually we should be asking how the world champion gets banned and we don't find out until 10 days later when it is overturned.
Steve Trice says:

Aug 5 2016 at 11:51 am

@chris

@Steve Trice

Oh, and as previously mentioned, if she’s only been unavailable for testing three times in the last year, how unlucky is it that the vampires turned up on those very three days?

That would be suspicious if she was only targeted on three occasions, if it was 3 out of 30 attempts, less so.

Less so, but still incredibly bad luck. Perhaps she was being targeted.
chris says:

Aug 5 2016 at 1:06 pm

@ChrisO

@Randy C

Let’s just say this: She’s apparently been following the process correctly for years and years and three times it’s cocked up and everyone throws her under bus so to speak ?!? And it NEVER should have been a public issue in first place.

For several weeks – until it was overturned on appeal – her status was of having missed three tests and she was not permitted to race. She was suspended by the UK anti-doping authority.

Far from it never needing to be a public issue, actually we should be asking how the world champion gets banned and we don’t find out until 10 days later when it is overturned.

One explanation would be that UKAD or whoever was responsible for the botched couldn't find her test attempt knew they'd fucked and once they'd properly reviewed the case had no intention of contesting it. You'd have thought, though, that if that was the case they'd have found a way to drop the whole thing without a hearing.

Another would be that as missed tests in themselves cannot be taken as proof of doping, the process isn't publicised until guilt is properly established to ensure that @brett's hang em high gang doesn't get too rabid on something that turns out to be an administration error.
Brett says:

Aug 5 2016 at 3:07 pm

@Teocalli

http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/rosa-to-race-olympic-games-after-resolving-whereabouts-case/?utm_content=bufferea029&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

Yeah but he's Italian and on Astana, so obviously guilty and cheated the system somehow.
Brett says:

Aug 5 2016 at 4:11 pm

@chris

@brett‘s hang em high gang...

Yep, I'm just a do-gooder leftard feminazi and it's PC gone mad.
Randy C says:

Aug 5 2016 at 4:21 pm

@Steve Trice

@chris

@Steve Trice

Oh, and as previously mentioned, if she’s only been unavailable for testing three times in the last year, how unlucky is it that the vampires turned up on those very three days?

That would be suspicious if she was only targeted on three occasions, if it was 3 out of 30 attempts, less so.

Less so, but still incredibly bad luck. Perhaps she was being targeted.

Anyone in the whereabouts program is essentially targeted yes ?!?
chris says:

Aug 5 2016 at 5:21 pm

@Brett

@chris

@brett‘s hang em high gang…

Yep, I’m just a do-gooder leftard feminazi and it’s PC gone mad.

I'm not sure I'd go that far, you're just a grumpy old shite.
Steve Trice says:

Aug 5 2016 at 10:58 pm

@Randy C

@Steve Trice

@chris

@Steve Trice

Oh, and as previously mentioned, if she’s only been unavailable for testing three times in the last year, how unlucky is it that the vampires turned up on those very three days?

That would be suspicious if she was only targeted on three occasions, if it was 3 out of 30 attempts, less so.

Less so, but still incredibly bad luck. Perhaps she was being targeted.

Anyone in the whereabouts program is essentially targeted yes ?!?

Essentially yeah, but I believe they can step up testing of specific athletes if they have reason to suspect doping or violations of the programme.
Brett says:

Aug 6 2016 at 3:51 pm

@chris

@Brett

@chris

@brett‘s hang em high gang…

Yep, I’m just a do-gooder leftard feminazi and it’s PC gone mad.

I’m not sure I’d go that far, you’re just a grumpy old shite.

Well if calling a spade a spade and not burying my head in the sand makes me grumpy, so be it. Fanboys always come out looking stupid. I'll take grumpy over stupid any day.