Categories: Evanescent RidersFolkloreLa Vie VelominatusLook ProNostalgiaThe Hardmen

La Vie Velominatus: Gun Envy

Chuck Flop had some of the best guns in the business.

Three things define a Cyclist: their ability to crush fools, their ability to Look Fantastic, and the Magnificence of their Guns. If you are lacking in one, it is mandatory that the other two are increased in compensation. In the immortal words of Paul Fournel, “To Look Good is already to go fast.” Thank Merckx for that, because not all of us can be bothered with all that training business and other stuff required to crush fools. It is rather practical being a fool, then, as I can simply crush myself to tick that particular box.

My biggest shortcoming as a Cyclist is my lack of Magnificent Guns; long, skinny pins is what I’ve got. Ride as I might, there is nothing I can do outside of taking HGH or testosterone. Both of which I’ve considered. All this results in a severe case of Gun Envy any time I see a rider endowed with rippling cannons. Cancellara and Boonen come to mind in the modern generation; Jan Ullrich and Gilberto Simoni from the generation just gone.

It takes more than girth to inspire Gun Envy; it takes definition and shape. The quads and calves must be well-balanced; giant, amorphic cannons are just as shameful as the starter pistols I’ve got. The holy grail is a sharply defined boundary under the Vastus Medialus, a razor-sharp inverted V on the top of the quad, and a Goldilocks calf perched above a slender ankle. A photographic study suggests that Pre-EPO but post-Steroid muscle development yielded in the perfect storm for musculature; most riders from the mid-nineties onwards lacked the definition that most of the stars of the 70’s and 80’s had.

I will spin a wild theory on this and report back triumphantly with details. In the meantime, I will busy myself staring at these photos.

  • Boonen. Massive gunnage.
  • Bikes In The Bay is held at Wheelworks in Wellington's Lyall Bay. A gathering for the rare, unusual, or just plain awesome bikes, with a bent towards steel both old and new. Some came as couples, others alone, all left satisfied.
  • I hope no-one saw me peering through the cracks at this sweet C40.
  • Boonen's Doggs
  • LeMond's V was insanely prominent.
  • Charley Mottet, possibly the finest guns around.
  • And lets not forget Monsieur Hinault.
  • Don't tempt me, sir!
  • This photo would possibly disprove my EPO non-awesome gun theory.
  • Ulli was a standout of definition in the modern era.
  • The grey steel section.
  • Some of the older participants were still in great shape.
  • Simoni, another standout.
  • Sex symbols.
  • Where else?
  • Bike of the Show. Vitas was described by Oli as "a LeMond freak", and apparently he owns most of Le Man's team bikes from his career. This bike was immaculate.
  • Going down.
  • IF only.
  • Legend.
  • Oli's sweet Benson, modern steel with a classic touch.
  • Wellington local Pat is building his own frames and has done a bang-up job on his own bike.
  • Drool.
  • The Prophet was Omnipresent.
  • Never seen these guys before.
  • Gary's Pegoretti was a standout.
  • Sometimes, the eyes can only take so much.
  • Kiwi and Belgian steel getting acquainted.
  • @BianchiDenti and his Nazi left ear.
  • Jonty brought along this very rare and sexy date.
  • You can leave your hat on. Or take it off.
  • The Ringleader's Speedvagen disc had hands all over it.
  • Henry, Oli's former partner in crime in the Wellington institution that was Cycle Services (google their blog for a great read) brought his mint Motorola Merckx. Most people walked straight past a brand new and extremely hot Pinarello Dogma to ogle this bike!
  • Breaking Away.
  • Size matters.
  • Rust never sleeps.
  • "Are you my father?"
  • Oli's Bianchi.
  • Denti's Crucial Custom Cycles CX. He won the frame at a local CX race last season, and local builder Anders did a fine job on the prize.
  • Another of Anders' CCC creations.
frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @RobSandy

    Putting on muscle has never been a problem for me, and recent weight loss (about 8 kg) means that the muscle I had already plus the gunnage I’ve added through recent training means I’m looking pretty ripped. Unfortunately for any climbing ambitions, a good proportion of that is upper body and I have issues getting the lower Guns of Navarone to fire for more than a couple of minutes.

    I should so be a track rider.

    Got your Guns of Navarone right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_dI6Q0cGIA

  • I have the legs of a female European super model. And while they are nice a shapely they are somewhat lacking in definition. This has never really bothered me though as they tend to do what they are told when asked. And holy shit do I look good in some short shorts (sexily flaunting the top of my tan lines).

  • @frank

    @wilburrox

    @Gianni

    Pros have to be unnaturally skinny now. Power to weight. It would be hard to be like that unless someone was paying you and you were riding a fuck ton of kms really fast.

    Ain’t that the truth! Add to that some serious support on the nutrition and physio side of equation.

    I read the other day that Ian Stannard is 83kg. I have to respect that. Watching these little tiny skinny cats attacking up mountains just isn’t the same as enjoying the spring classics. Isn’t Tommeke racing in the Giro? An 80+kg cyclist solidly in the top 150? Maybe?

    He is my weight or a little lighter, but possibly more muscle and less fat, and looks like a bratwurst on a bike compared to his fellows.

    Fucking love that dude though. Some shots from KT2015.

    Yeah, agree, Mr Stannard qualifies a hell of a lot more than those skeletal emaciated types.

    Plus, I want the Kask lid he's got.  Off topic I know, but Im looking for a suitable replacement for my Bell Sweep and that fits the bill, apart from no stockists in this part of the planet.

    However I digress, gun training at the range scheduled for 6am

  • @wiscot

    @RobSandy

    Putting on muscle has never been a problem for me, and recent weight loss (about 8 kg) means that the muscle I had already plus the gunnage I’ve added through recent training means I’m looking pretty ripped. Unfortunately for any climbing ambitions, a good proportion of that is upper body and I have issues getting the lower Guns of Navarone to fire for more than a couple of minutes.

    I should so be a track rider.

    Got your Guns of Navarone right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_dI6Q0cGIA

    Outstanding work.

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10 years ago

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