Categories: Evanescent RidersFolkloreLa Vie VelominatusLook ProNostalgiaThe Hardmen

La Vie Velominatus: Gun Envy

Chuck Flop had some of the best guns in the business.

Three things define a Cyclist: their ability to crush fools, their ability to Look Fantastic, and the Magnificence of their Guns. If you are lacking in one, it is mandatory that the other two are increased in compensation. In the immortal words of Paul Fournel, “To Look Good is already to go fast.” Thank Merckx for that, because not all of us can be bothered with all that training business and other stuff required to crush fools. It is rather practical being a fool, then, as I can simply crush myself to tick that particular box.

My biggest shortcoming as a Cyclist is my lack of Magnificent Guns; long, skinny pins is what I’ve got. Ride as I might, there is nothing I can do outside of taking HGH or testosterone. Both of which I’ve considered. All this results in a severe case of Gun Envy any time I see a rider endowed with rippling cannons. Cancellara and Boonen come to mind in the modern generation; Jan Ullrich and Gilberto Simoni from the generation just gone.

It takes more than girth to inspire Gun Envy; it takes definition and shape. The quads and calves must be well-balanced; giant, amorphic cannons are just as shameful as the starter pistols I’ve got. The holy grail is a sharply defined boundary under the Vastus Medialus, a razor-sharp inverted V on the top of the quad, and a Goldilocks calf perched above a slender ankle. A photographic study suggests that Pre-EPO but post-Steroid muscle development yielded in the perfect storm for musculature; most riders from the mid-nineties onwards lacked the definition that most of the stars of the 70’s and 80’s had.

I will spin a wild theory on this and report back triumphantly with details. In the meantime, I will busy myself staring at these photos.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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DeKerr says:

May 19 2015 at 12:31 pm

@Pedale.Forchetta

Giro 2015 – 4th stage, Chiavari – La Spezia

Alas, as it has been said before this post, it's a shame the only rider in this photo sporting a proper set of guns probably has those guns loaded with some depleted uranium tipped super serum.

Astana can suck it. But Etixx can suck it on the sartorial front for putting their riders in those trousers.
Steampunk says:

May 19 2015 at 8:00 pm

Serious question (for a friend): Say you have big guns, what kind of trousers do you wear that aren't so baggy you look like a nineteenth-century street urchin or so tight around the thigh that you're in danger of cutting off circulation below the knee? The looser cut make my (er, my friend's) legs look even shorter than they already are. The tighter cut makes me wonder why I took off the lycra in the first place. As important as it is to look fabulous on the bike, it would be nice to look somewhat pulled together off of it as well...
Tugman says:

May 20 2015 at 9:13 pm

@wiscot

Always the first thing I think of when I hear Guns of Navarone.
frank says:

May 22 2015 at 2:44 pm

@Steampunk

Serious question (for a friend): Say you have big guns, what kind of trousers do you wear that aren’t so baggy you look like a nineteenth-century street urchin or so tight around the thigh that you’re in danger of cutting off circulation below the knee? The looser cut make my (er, my friend’s) legs look even shorter than they already are. The tighter cut makes me wonder why I took off the lycra in the first place. As important as it is to look fabulous on the bike, it would be nice to look somewhat pulled together off of it as well…

Some premium jeans have a bit of Lycra in them to help with stretch and comfort. And I'm guessing you will not be happy to hear this but you need to spend a lot on good jeans to Look Fantastic just as with Cycling.

Mario used to wear Diesel, if I'm not mistaken.
Steampunk says:

May 22 2015 at 2:54 pm

@frank

Indeed! Jeans I can manage. Strangely, the bigger challenge is with dress pants, khakis, and cords...
Steampunk says:

May 22 2015 at 2:54 pm

@frank

Mario used to wear Diesel, if I’m not mistaken.

Of course he did!
The Engine says:

May 23 2015 at 1:24 am

@Steampunk

Serious question (for a friend): Say you have big guns, what kind of trousers do you wear that aren’t so baggy you look like a nineteenth-century street urchin or so tight around the thigh that you’re in danger of cutting off circulation below the knee? The looser cut make my (er, my friend’s) legs look even shorter than they already are. The tighter cut makes me wonder why I took off the lycra in the first place. As important as it is to look fabulous on the bike, it would be nice to look somewhat pulled together off of it as well…

I have a friend who has exactly the same problem with suit trousers and the bastard things always wear out between the legs.

Note: always trousers never pants
Steampunk says:

May 23 2015 at 4:55 am

@The Engine

I have a friend who has exactly the same problem with suit trousers and the bastard things always wear out between the legs.

That! Absolutely that! It's hard to look fantastic--or afford to--when you've got a hole in your crotch. I sometimes think trousers wear out just by looking at my guns....
Teocalli says:

May 23 2015 at 5:19 am

@Steampunk

Serious question (for a friend): Say you have big guns, what kind of trousers do you wear that aren’t so baggy you look like a nineteenth-century street urchin or so tight around the thigh that you’re in danger of cutting off circulation below the knee? The looser cut make my (er, my friend’s) legs look even shorter than they already are. The tighter cut makes me wonder why I took off the lycra in the first place. As important as it is to look fabulous on the bike, it would be nice to look somewhat pulled together off of it as well…

Shouldn't it be "........makes him wonder why he.............."
Beers says:

Jun 17 2015 at 6:38 pm

@Steampunk Chinos? Think of them what you will. Just thinking of a style with a tapering leg. Pretty 80s really...

For a straight leg, I find I have to size up on the waist to get the wider leg, and have the waist taken in and cuffs taken up.

My latest jeans have some stretch, strangely it seems to be the calves that are tightest on a straight leg.