Categories: KitLa Vie VelominatusLook ProNostalgiaThe Rules

La Vie Velominatus: The Goldilocks Principle

The Badger had it worked out.

The Rules are about cultivating a passion for riding our bikes to gain the maximum enjoyment possible. This requires humility, for one thing, and devotion, for another. It requires a balance between focusing on progress and enjoying the journey. It demands a reverence for our history paired with a hunger for evolution. The Rules teach us balance, to embrace the contradiction of opposing forces for the positive that each can bring us.

And so it could be said that The Goldilocks Principle is one of the fundamental tenets of Rule Holism. Along our journey to La Vie Velominatus, we will swing like a pendulum from left to right before we find our resting place somewhere between two extremes, whether in our training, our position, or kit, or even our very commitment to Cycling itself. No one can tell another where this balance lies; the path is for each of us to walk, we can only be shown The Way.

My STRAVA account is a good example of this. A beautifully designed service, this is a powerful training tool that lets you measure yourself against your previous performances and those of others. And therein lies the rub: since my return from Belgium, each ride I’ve been on I’ve buried the pin going after a KOM or personal best on a particular segment. This, of course, is the principle danger in training by numbers and flies in the face of Training Properly. But the tool is new to me, and I will allow myself this dalliance on the condition that I learn to cope with the pressure of having a computer that is recording my ride for future analysis. Failing that, the computer will be relegated to use only on those rides where I wish to test myself. Balance.

But the Goldilocks Principle also applies to wearing of the kit – in particular the length of sleeves, shorts, knickers, and socks. We have seen a dangerous trend of late – spearheaded by the English-speaking population of the Pro peloton, into the realm where shorts flirt with becoming knickers, socks threaten to become shin guards, and short-sleeves portend to their supposed fate as three-quarter tees.

As Velominati, it is our duty to band together and provide guidance to the rest of the Cycling community of which we are part: boundaries give us definition, and definition distinguishes us from the savages. Looking at the peloton and my peers on the road, it is clear to me that it is our obligation to issue a refresher on The Goldilocks Principle as it relates to cycling kit fit:

Shorts Leg Length: Whether worn with knee-warmers or not, the grippers on the legs of shorts must fall somewhere between the midpoint of the thigh and the base of the base of the rectis femoris. The rectis femoris is the muscle on your thigh that, together with the Vastus Lateralis and Vastus Medialis form the shape of a V on your guns. Under no circumstances should your shorts cover this point up, as it is one of the primary focus points of The V. The more massive the cannons, the higher the accepted line can be, though it should be noted that the reverse does not apply to lowering the line to cover up a pair of starter pistols.
Socks Length: Socks must cover the ankle in its entirety, and should end just above the narrowest point of the shin. Under no circumstances may the sock extend to the point beyond which the calf muscle is reached or exceed the maximum width of the anklebone.
Jersey Sleeve Length: Jersey sleeves must extend beyond the deltoid muscle and come to rest at a point somewhere between zero and twenty-five percent of the bicep muscle. This point should be determined when the arm is relaxed at one’s side.
Jersey Torso Length: The back of the jersey must extend to a point beyond the waist and above the gluteus maximus. Ideally, the jersey should come to rest somewhere along the rearward up-facing plane created by the forward rotation of the hips and torso; under no circumstances may the jersey sag down beyond this point to cover any portion of the buttocks.
Knicker/Knee Warmers: Knickers embody the very essence of the Goldilocks Principle when it comes to kit; this garment is neither shorts nor tights and their length should demonstrate this fact. Knickers/Knee Warmers should extend past the bottom of the knee joint to the point at which the calf is at its widest point. Under no circumstances should the lower extremity of said garment venture significantly past the calf where it may be confused with being a too-short pair of tights.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/frank@velominati.com/Golidlocks/”/]

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next The Shropshire Hills Cogal Ride Report »

Previous « Keepers Tour 2012 Update, Part 4: A Ronde Ride and Paris-Roubaix

View Comments

frank says:

Apr 26 2012 at 2:25 pm

@razmaspaz

@chiasticon

@frank

anyway, point is it's not always easy for amateurs. and while that's no excuse, it's at least understandable that sometimes you find shit on sale that might not be ideal but it's all you can afford; or you want to support a local/internet-based club (velominati) or ride for your local shop's race team, etc... and they only offer one fit. not much you can do.

I've never actually done this, as I find my kit fits me just fine, but it can't be that hard (or cost more than $10) to get a tailor to shorten your sleeves. I don't settle for poor fit in my street clothes, and I wouldn't limit myself to off the rack fit for a bike jersey either. You won't ever get the fit of a custom made jersey, but you could get close with a cheap jersey and a decent tailor. I would NEVER think of letting a tailor do my bib shorts though, that's just akward. And I'm pretty sure my tailor would agree.

I've actually tried this (my first V-Jersey was too big) and it was remarkably hard to find someone willing to do the fancy stitch that the kit used. But, that's not to say it doesn't exist, though. But its a good point that a tailor should be able to at least do a good enough job to reign in a bad fit.

O'Grady was Aussie road champ a few years back and was riding around in a jersey that was much too much too much too big. Very strange, considering his options. He got it sorted later on in the season (maybe by the Tour) but it was rough for a while there. Can't find a pic of it, though.
Ron says:

Apr 26 2012 at 2:32 pm

Nate - ah, very sharp, always a step ahead my friend, always! That's good thinkin'.

The Lil' Prince looks as if he's carrying a Thermos or a jumbo bidon behind Tommy V there.
Nate says:

Apr 26 2012 at 2:46 pm

@frank

I am hallucinating, or does it say "Thomas" on the left shoe strap and "Voeckler" on the right? Looks like the Lotto (?) rider behind him has the same get-up.
Nate says:

Apr 26 2012 at 2:47 pm

@Ron
The neon of the Prince's Wilier and kit is just astounding.
minion says:

Apr 26 2012 at 3:12 pm

@Marcus

@frank maybe Pippo wins the shortest shorts award? Sorry for posting this. I should know better.

I don't need to say anything, Marcus' pic speaks for itself...
Unica says:

Apr 26 2012 at 3:18 pm

@ChrisO

@936adl

Loving Wiggo's jersey as well. Must be one of the nicest national kits in the peloton.

Do you think ? I've never really liked it - too French.

Would prefer something more Union Jackish.

Jezza Hunt had a Union Jack nation jersey in '98 when he rode for Banesto:

Looked like crap, but this was back in the days when the national jersey wasn't encouraged by the teams.

Knowing Wiggos sense of tradition, and how much the history means to him, there's more than a nod to the jersey worn by Tommy Simpson. That being said, it's exactly the same design as Thomas was wearing last year.
frank says:

Apr 26 2012 at 4:45 pm

@Nate

@frank

I am hallucinating, or does it say "Thomas" on the left shoe strap and "Voeckler" on the right? Looks like the Lotto (?) rider behind him has the same get-up.

I think you're right. Strange choice to orient the wording so they read upside down from left to right from the riders perspective. Strange choice. Man, those are ugly shoes, though either way. A lot like the Northwaves Leopard Schleck were riding last season. Too sausage-like.
frank says:

Apr 26 2012 at 4:51 pm

@minion

@Marcus

@frank maybe Pippo wins the shortest shorts award? Sorry for posting this. I should know better.

I don't need to say anything, Marcus' pic speaks for itself...

That has to be one of the least flattering photos of a cyclist riding a bike. *braces for the examples proving I'm wrong*

@Unica

@ChrisO

@936adl

Loving Wiggo's jersey as well. Must be one of the nicest national kits in the peloton.

Do you think ? I've never really liked it - too French.

Would prefer something more Union Jackish.

Jezza Hunt had a Union Jack nation jersey in '98 when he rode for Banesto:

Looked like crap, but this was back in the days when the national jersey wasn't encouraged by the teams.

Knowing Wiggos sense of tradition, and how much the history means to him, there's more than a nod to the jersey worn by Tommy Simpson. That being said, it's exactly the same design as Thomas was wearing last year.

Back in 1998 they were much more OK with national champ jerseys - though Banesto was perhaps the front-runner in this way of thinking, as I remember Big Mig's kit to be very understated now that I think of it - as in just some sleeves or something if I'm not mistaken.

The recent teams are really much more aggressive about champ jerseys that obstruct their branding, but this is a good example that shows my example in In Memoriam: The Tricolore was wrong; the first team wasn't Discovery, but Banesto. Great memory!
Nate says:

Apr 26 2012 at 4:54 pm

@frank
They are halfway oriented the way you orient your fizik tape. From Tommy's perspective "Thomas" is on the left. But it's upside down and backwards. I suppose that's what he gets for wearing what appear to be Nike shoes.
frank says:

Apr 26 2012 at 4:57 pm

@Nate

@frank
They are halfway oriented the way you orient your fi'zi:k tape. From Tommy's perspective "Thomas" is on the left. But it's upside down and backwards. I suppose that's what he gets for wearing what appear to be Nike shoes.

Just be glad they're not called Air Voeklers or some such. Yes, that is exactly what I was thinking - they are half oriented the way I do the tape, but my justification is I need to be able to read it myself, which is then backwards for lil' Tommy. A shame.