Categories: KitLa Vie VelominatusLook ProNostalgiaThe Rules

La Vie Velominatus: The Goldilocks Principle

The Badger had it worked out.

The Rules are about cultivating a passion for riding our bikes to gain the maximum enjoyment possible. This requires humility, for one thing, and devotion, for another. It requires a balance between focusing on progress and enjoying the journey. It demands a reverence for our history paired with a hunger for evolution. The Rules teach us balance, to embrace the contradiction of opposing forces for the positive that each can bring us.

And so it could be said that The Goldilocks Principle is one of the fundamental tenets of Rule Holism. Along our journey to La Vie Velominatus, we will swing like a pendulum from left to right before we find our resting place somewhere between two extremes, whether in our training, our position, or kit, or even our very commitment to Cycling itself. No one can tell another where this balance lies; the path is for each of us to walk, we can only be shown The Way.

My STRAVA account is a good example of this. A beautifully designed service, this is a powerful training tool that lets you measure yourself against your previous performances and those of others. And therein lies the rub: since my return from Belgium, each ride I’ve been on I’ve buried the pin going after a KOM or personal best on a particular segment. This, of course, is the principle danger in training by numbers and flies in the face of Training Properly. But the tool is new to me, and I will allow myself this dalliance on the condition that I learn to cope with the pressure of having a computer that is recording my ride for future analysis. Failing that, the computer will be relegated to use only on those rides where I wish to test myself. Balance.

But the Goldilocks Principle also applies to wearing of the kit – in particular the length of sleeves, shorts, knickers, and socks. We have seen a dangerous trend of late – spearheaded by the English-speaking population of the Pro peloton, into the realm where shorts flirt with becoming knickers, socks threaten to become shin guards, and short-sleeves portend to their supposed fate as three-quarter tees.

As Velominati, it is our duty to band together and provide guidance to the rest of the Cycling community of which we are part: boundaries give us definition, and definition distinguishes us from the savages. Looking at the peloton and my peers on the road, it is clear to me that it is our obligation to issue a refresher on The Goldilocks Principle as it relates to cycling kit fit:

Shorts Leg Length: Whether worn with knee-warmers or not, the grippers on the legs of shorts must fall somewhere between the midpoint of the thigh and the base of the base of the rectis femoris. The rectis femoris is the muscle on your thigh that, together with the Vastus Lateralis and Vastus Medialis form the shape of a V on your guns. Under no circumstances should your shorts cover this point up, as it is one of the primary focus points of The V. The more massive the cannons, the higher the accepted line can be, though it should be noted that the reverse does not apply to lowering the line to cover up a pair of starter pistols.
Socks Length: Socks must cover the ankle in its entirety, and should end just above the narrowest point of the shin. Under no circumstances may the sock extend to the point beyond which the calf muscle is reached or exceed the maximum width of the anklebone.
Jersey Sleeve Length: Jersey sleeves must extend beyond the deltoid muscle and come to rest at a point somewhere between zero and twenty-five percent of the bicep muscle. This point should be determined when the arm is relaxed at one’s side.
Jersey Torso Length: The back of the jersey must extend to a point beyond the waist and above the gluteus maximus. Ideally, the jersey should come to rest somewhere along the rearward up-facing plane created by the forward rotation of the hips and torso; under no circumstances may the jersey sag down beyond this point to cover any portion of the buttocks.
Knicker/Knee Warmers: Knickers embody the very essence of the Goldilocks Principle when it comes to kit; this garment is neither shorts nor tights and their length should demonstrate this fact. Knickers/Knee Warmers should extend past the bottom of the knee joint to the point at which the calf is at its widest point. Under no circumstances should the lower extremity of said garment venture significantly past the calf where it may be confused with being a too-short pair of tights.

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frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

doubleR says:

Apr 26 2012 at 10:18 am

@Nate

@frank, @Marcus
I was contemplating a ride over to see the Mt Diablo stage, but in light of these jerseys must now strongly consider boycotting.

Boycott?? One the contrary...fly your V-Kit and show 'em how a proper jersey should look!
chiasticon says:

Apr 26 2012 at 10:24 am

@frank

@Marko
You already have too-long socks. You're all set.

and a Rule #82 violation.

the difficulty with the goldilocks principle outlined here is that for the average person, we must buy our clothes off the rack and hope they fit. for some people with different body proportions (say, a longer femur, shorter forearm, etc), that gets difficult. sometimes you can work around it with bunching of lycra as frank mentioned, but how can you make sleeves shorter or longer as needed? maybe not buy that company's fit, i guess.

anyway, point is it's not always easy for amateurs. and while that's no excuse, it's at least understandable that sometimes you find shit on sale that might not be ideal but it's all you can afford; or you want to support a local/internet-based club (velominati) or ride for your local shop's race team, etc... and they only offer one fit. not much you can do.

pros, on the other hand, have no excuse for poorly fitted kit. i just read an article in rouleur on santini and how they'd spend hours for each individual rider, getting their exact dimensions and customizing their entire kit, giving them a dozen or so of each article therein. all free, of course. how do you go about having poorly fitted kit when it's customized, short of just having bad sense?
936adl says:

Apr 26 2012 at 10:25 am

I like the RAF roundels idea. Very Wiggo!
Marko says:

Apr 26 2012 at 10:31 am

@chiasticon

@frank

@Marko
You already have too-long socks. You're all set.

and a Rule #82 violation.

the difficulty with the Goldilocks Principle outlined here is that for the average person, we must buy our clothes off the rack and hope they fit. for some people with different body proportions (say, a longer femur, shorter forearm, etc), that gets difficult. sometimes you can work around it with bunching of lycra as frank mentioned, but how can you make sleeves shorter or longer as needed? maybe not buy that company's fit, i guess.

anyway, point is it's not always easy for amateurs. and while that's no excuse, it's at least understandable that sometimes you find shit on sale that might not be ideal but it's all you can afford; or you want to support a local/internet-based club (velominati) or ride for your local shop's race team, etc... and they only offer one fit. not much you can do.

pros, on the other hand, have no excuse for poorly fitted kit. i just read an article in rouleur on santini and how they'd spend hours for each individual rider, getting their exact dimensions and customizing their entire kit, giving them a dozen or so of each article therein. all free, of course. how do you go about having poorly fitted kit when it's customized, short of just having bad sense?

Busted but I blame the DS (William) for not wanting to wait long enough to remove the leg warmers after the Pave laid waste to the arm warmers. Ironic too as I am the originator of Rule 82
Nate says:

Apr 26 2012 at 10:33 am

@doubleR
Positive thinking, I like it.
Nate says:

Apr 26 2012 at 10:36 am

@Ron
He's probably riding to a start or from a finish.

@Marcus
The fact that @minion hasn't given you shit about posting this begs the question of what unspeakable things he is off doing.
itburns says:

Apr 26 2012 at 12:02 pm

@Nate

@Marcus
The fact that @minion hasn't given you shit about posting this begs the question of what unspeakable things he is off doing.

We don't speak of sheep shagging anymore?
Nate says:

Apr 26 2012 at 12:14 pm

@itburns

@Nate

@Marcus
The fact that @minion hasn't given you shit about posting this begs the question of what unspeakable things he is off doing.

We don't speak of sheep shagging anymore?

We've already heard about that -- I thought I might prompt Marcus's imagination for some new trans-Tasman insults.
razmaspaz says:

Apr 26 2012 at 2:10 pm

@chiasticon

@frank

anyway, point is it's not always easy for amateurs. and while that's no excuse, it's at least understandable that sometimes you find shit on sale that might not be ideal but it's all you can afford; or you want to support a local/internet-based club (velominati) or ride for your local shop's race team, etc... and they only offer one fit. not much you can do.

I've never actually done this, as I find my kit fits me just fine, but it can't be that hard (or cost more than $10) to get a tailor to shorten your sleeves. I don't settle for poor fit in my street clothes, and I wouldn't limit myself to off the rack fit for a bike jersey either. You won't ever get the fit of a custom made jersey, but you could get close with a cheap jersey and a decent tailor. I would NEVER think of letting a tailor do my bib shorts though, that's just akward. And I'm pretty sure my tailor would agree.
frank says:

Apr 26 2012 at 2:16 pm

@Marko
Arm warmers and knee warmers were having a hard time staying put with all that shakin' and a-bakin' going on. More compliant approach would have been to shove them down and leave them there. But still.

The socks. We still need to talk about the socks. What is with the "6" anyway? Should be a 5, no?