Categories: Defining MomentsEtiquetteExportFolkloreLa Vie VelominatusNostalgiaThe HardmenThe Rules

The Constant Companion

A technique crafted in the wheel of Le Professeur

A friend recently asked my advice for how to prepare for the longest ride he’d ever done. My approach is somewhat unorthodox when it comes to this sort of thing; I like to train to ride a lot farther than the event itself, and whenever possible, throw in a handful of sessions with my old friend, The Man with the Hammer. I suggested he do the same, just to make sure he understands the alchemy of combining total exhaustion with the reality of still having a long way to ride. Based on his response suggesting the idea somehow contained a bad taste, I assume he didn’t take my advice.

I didn’t invent this technique. De Vlaeminck was known for his marathon training sessions involving a diabolical mixture of V:00 am starts and distances of 400km in preparation for his favorite race, Paris-Roubaix. Fignon was known to head out for day-long rides with little or no food in his pockets with the express intent of meeting the Man with the Hammer.

The Man with the Hammer holds a special place in the mythology of Cycling; ruthless and unpredictable, he lurks about in the shadows, ready to strike at any time. Most fear him, but I have been bopped on the head by him so many times, I start to feel lonely for his visits after a few months. I sense him in the nape of my neck long before he draws his hammer down with his judgement. On long solo rides, when the mind retreats into The Tunnel, I often find myself carrying silent conversations. Perhaps it is he to whom I speak in those dark hours.

His presence as a constant companion may not be as insane as it sounds. Explorers have often spoken of feeling that another presence was traveling with them; the early teams who attempted to scale Mount Everest had difficulty reconciling the numbers in their party due to the convincing sensation that another had been with them. All three men in Shackleton’s party who crossed the island of South Georgia independently confided in their captain that they believed a fourth to be traveling with them. This, I am certain, is the great spirit of the Man with the Hammer. We must not fear him; though he may be ready to strike, he is a benevolent spirit.

There is something purifying in being completely depleted and still having to carry on; it flushes your transgressions from you in a cleansing flood. Don’t avoid this; seek it out; every rider should endeavor to experience his visits at least a few times per year. They remind you that you can push beyond your limits, that the only thing bridging the chasm to a goal is having the will to act.

Whenever I find myself weighed down and questioning myself, I head out on my bicycle with no food in the pockets and with the express intent of meeting my old friend, the Man with the Hammer.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Barracuda says:

Aug 8 2013 at 10:48 pm

@Chris S

I am relatively new to 'proper' cycling, so I wonder if any of you can confirm if some of my recent experiences constitute genuine meetings with The Man with the Hammer.

Is it him when all the power in my legs seems to palpably evaporate? When my speed drops by a factor of four, but the exertion feels the same? When my body suddenly becomes hypersensitive to every bump in the road as if the rubber on my tyres has been replaced with strips of metal? When I'm totally consumed by the mental effort required for every pedal rotation?

Is that The Man with the Hammer, because it'd be good to put a name to the pain.

One word - "YES"

One step removed from lying lying in the gutter in the fetal position sucking your thumb softly whispering "Mummy"

Welcome - fun ain't it !
Barracuda says:

Aug 8 2013 at 10:55 pm

@frank

@Puffy You too. Time to rethink; his visits are signs of progress, not failure.

Yes, absolutely, no point in sitting at the cafe or beer stop at the end of a ride with a "full tank"
ChrisO says:

Aug 8 2013 at 11:12 pm

@CanuckChuck

@JohnB

Chapeau to those boffins who can design something to be absorbed by the body so quickly.

The rapid effect you felt might not be related to the nutrients of the gel being absorbed, but rather your body releasing additional glycogen after tasting the sugar in the gel. I read about a study where cyclists that simply rinsed their mount with a sugary liquid (without swallowing) were able to go longer and harder than the control group that only rinsed with water. It had something to do with tricking your body in thinking it's about to get fresh sugar so that the brain makes some of its strategic glycogen reserves available for the effort at hand, postponing the visit from the Man with the Hammer. Seems to be true for me: I can get a lot of mileage by dosing out cliff blocks one or two at a time...

Anyone who has had children will know and be thankful at how rapidly a bit of food can change mental and physical demeanour.
Barracuda says:

Aug 8 2013 at 11:39 pm

@Marcus

@frank I reckon you are confusing some people out there who think that a bonk and a meeting with The Man with the Hammer are one and the same.

Whilst a text book bonk will almost certainly involve a visit from The Man, to my mind you can also meet him at other times - when he tends to be a lot nastier and more intense, e.g. I said a brief unpleasant hello to him during a 10 min power test on Wednesday morning because i am currently unfit and went out too hard. If anybody thought things suddenly slowed down at about 2pm on Tuesday on the West Coast of the US, I believe that was me causing a rupture in the time-space continuum during the last 2 minutes of said test that may have taken more like 15 minutes.

Either way, he is a cunt. But he is your friend.

I think of The Man being a fat fucker on a derny riding next to you laughing off his fat man boobs. Some guys liken him to the baby jesus, whereas others see him in a Tuxedo T-shirt because it says, like, 'I wanna be formal but I'm here to party too.

Regardless when he visits, he does come at you like a spider monkey.

Ahhhhh Talladega nights - Will Ferrel at his best !!

Shake and Bake baby
Marcus says:

Aug 9 2013 at 12:11 am

@Barracuda
I also have a soft spot for Derek from Stepbrothers - "I havent had a carb since 2004"
Barracuda says:

Aug 9 2013 at 12:20 am

@Marcus

@Barracuda
I also have a soft spot for Derek from Stepbrothers - "I havent had a carb since 2004"³

Dont get me started, I follow him on twitter and some of the shit that he writes is just piss funny.

e.g. and I quote " God I hate condescending arseholes ! ( Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid) "

Waking up in the morning and pissing excellence.
Marcus says:

Aug 9 2013 at 12:24 am

@Barracuda if we wanted our boys to be raised as pussies we would have named them Dr Quinn and Medicine Woman.
the Engine says:

Aug 9 2013 at 1:30 am

@ChrisO

Anyone who has had children will know and be thankful at how rapidly a bit of food can change mental and physical demeanour.

Especially if said food item is blue
Marko says:

Aug 9 2013 at 6:06 am

@Gianni

If you change your screen name to Dr. Quinn, I'll change mine to Medicine Woman. Promise.
V-olcano says:

Aug 9 2013 at 6:10 am

@Chris

@V-olcano Joe Friel is a triathlete.

My personal view (more from a past life of running than my limited bike racing) is that unless you are racing a lot then you need to train out of your comfort zone to be able to know just how far and hard you can go in a race. You might not put every element of of a race into a training session - you tend to break it down to concentrate on different aspects in different sessions but you still need to address each one at some point.

Joe Friel is also a bike racer and coaches them. That's not really the point, though - I mean, you're coming at this from a view of running, not cycling, so the methods used are similar as far as duration and intensity of training are concerned. Triathlon isn't much different, it's just silly is all.

I didn't mean (and neither did Joe) that you should only train in your comfort zone. That would not produce "continual improvement." You have to go hard, and frequently. But you don't need to, and really shouldn't, deplete yourself so completely as to bonk/hit the wall on a regular basis. That doesn't make you faster, it just makes you tired and fatigued for days afterward, so that training doesn't produce good results, but just keeps you fatigued.