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The Constant Companion

A technique crafted in the wheel of Le Professeur

A friend recently asked my advice for how to prepare for the longest ride he’d ever done. My approach is somewhat unorthodox when it comes to this sort of thing; I like to train to ride a lot farther than the event itself, and whenever possible, throw in a handful of sessions with my old friend, The Man with the Hammer. I suggested he do the same, just to make sure he understands the alchemy of combining total exhaustion with the reality of still having a long way to ride. Based on his response suggesting the idea somehow contained a bad taste, I assume he didn’t take my advice.

I didn’t invent this technique. De Vlaeminck was known for his marathon training sessions involving a diabolical mixture of V:00 am starts and distances of 400km in preparation for his favorite race, Paris-Roubaix. Fignon was known to head out for day-long rides with little or no food in his pockets with the express intent of meeting the Man with the Hammer.

The Man with the Hammer holds a special place in the mythology of Cycling; ruthless and unpredictable, he lurks about in the shadows, ready to strike at any time. Most fear him, but I have been bopped on the head by him so many times, I start to feel lonely for his visits after a few months. I sense him in the nape of my neck long before he draws his hammer down with his judgement. On long solo rides, when the mind retreats into The Tunnel, I often find myself carrying silent conversations. Perhaps it is he to whom I speak in those dark hours.

His presence as a constant companion may not be as insane as it sounds. Explorers have often spoken of feeling that another presence was traveling with them; the early teams who attempted to scale Mount Everest had difficulty reconciling the numbers in their party due to the convincing sensation that another had been with them. All three men in Shackleton’s party who crossed the island of South Georgia independently confided in their captain that they believed a fourth to be traveling with them. This, I am certain, is the great spirit of the Man with the Hammer. We must not fear him; though he may be ready to strike, he is a benevolent spirit.

There is something purifying in being completely depleted and still having to carry on; it flushes your transgressions from you in a cleansing flood. Don’t avoid this; seek it out; every rider should endeavor to experience his visits at least a few times per year. They remind you that you can push beyond your limits, that the only thing bridging the chasm to a goal is having the will to act.

Whenever I find myself weighed down and questioning myself, I head out on my bicycle with no food in the pockets and with the express intent of meeting my old friend, the Man with the Hammer.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Jamie says:

Aug 8 2013 at 4:00 pm

@frank

@Ron

Nice one, Frank! 400 km? Woah.

I find that when I haven't ridden even for just a few days I begin to doubt myself. Can I ride that long? Do I still even know how to ride a bike? What about traffic, can I handle my bike in traffic before I get outside the city? Maybe it's really just the Man with the Hammer trying to scare me away from trying. Of course, as soon as I just go out and ride, even if not anything massive, my confidence is always restored in no time.

I've never accused anyone of this, but you think too hard. Just ride your bike and don't worry about it.

@Jamie

Was his name @eightzero? Was the empty bottle Wild Turkey?

yep
Beers says:

Aug 8 2013 at 4:36 pm

@Puffy

To truly meet the man with the hammer is not something I plan to do. Personally I believe if he arrives then I have failed. Failed to prepare for the ride, failed to train hard enough to complete it, failed to keep the carbs up during the ride etc. What ever way you look at it, it's a failure. Enter the tunnel, fine... but I find that if I don't snap out of it, take a break, eat something the man with the hammer is on his way. To get smacked by him means I have gone deep into reserves, done some damage and that is not good on a training ride. During competition by all means pull out all stops and to hell with the consequences but all other rides. Nope, fail.

Then you have missed the point, friend. The point is you have succeeded in getting your arse home, despite all your perceived, as you put it, failures. To be bopped on the head, and then get home, is V for Victory...
Marcus says:

Aug 8 2013 at 5:09 pm

@frank I reckon you are confusing some people out there who think that a bonk and a meeting with The Man with the Hammer are one and the same.

Whilst a text book bonk will almost certainly involve a visit from The Man, to my mind you can also meet him at other times - when he tends to be a lot nastier and more intense, e.g. I said a brief unpleasant hello to him during a 10 min power test on Wednesday morning because i am currently unfit and went out too hard. If anybody thought things suddenly slowed down at about 2pm on Tuesday on the West Coast of the US, I believe that was me causing a rupture in the time-space continuum during the last 2 minutes of said test that may have taken more like 15 minutes.

Either way, he is a cunt. But he is your friend.

I think of The Man being a fat fucker on a derny riding next to you laughing off his fat man boobs. Some guys liken him to the baby jesus, whereas others see him in a Tuxedo T-shirt because it says, like, 'I wanna be formal but I'm here to party too.

Regardless when he visits, he does come at you like a spider monkey.
Collin says:

Aug 8 2013 at 6:28 pm

@frank

Same happened to me on a big training ride last winter; we live on a ridge with pretty steep ramps from all sides. It was December, raining, and I was doing 200km which means sun up to sun down riding at that time of year. It was getting dark. By the time I got into town, I noticed I was slowing down way before the green lights, just to make sure they turned red and I had an excuse to stop.
A few lights later, I was resting my head on the bars, taking cue from the cars that the light had turned green. By the time I got to the hill beneath my house, I actually stopped at the roadside and sat there, trying to figure out how I was going to get up the hill.

I got up, and rolled right into the grocery store where I bought bananas and snickers bars and two cans of coke. I ate/drank all of it inside the store before rolling the 3 blocks home.

That's proper bonking right there.

Then there's the time I bonked halfway up Haleakala.

If these are what a visit from the MWTH is like, then I agree you should certainly feel that way after your hard/long rides. Last weekend, the VMH discovered me sitting in the shower with the water hitting me in the face as I blankly stared at my legs post-ride.

I will still argue that actively seeking to bonk by not bringing or intentionally not eating enough food does you no good.
Gianni says:

Aug 8 2013 at 6:40 pm
frank says:

Aug 8 2013 at 7:54 pm

@Collin

If you focus on the physiology then maybe (I'm not a physiologist), but don't forget you then ignore the power of your mind knowing what to do when that shit goes down; you are discounting the power of the most influential and most poorly understood organ in existence.

Not to mention that its just good fun to feel good afterwards at having pushed to do something elementally difficult.
frank says:

Aug 8 2013 at 8:37 pm

@Marcus

Well look at Mr. Time Zone Calculus. Weren't you the poster boy for not knowing what 5am Pacific meant until I build the countdown timer for the VSP?

And you raise a good point, about confusing The Man with the Hammer from other things like bonking, getting dropped, going into the red, or riding like a stupid twat (which is what you described).

TMWTH's visits distinguish themselves by the suddenness of his arrival; though we may feel his presence, he strikes when we feel strong and we finally believe we have put him in the corner.

Trickie Dickie kindly demonstrates. Fast forward to 15:00.
Beers says:

Aug 8 2013 at 9:29 pm

@frank Piiiing!
Marcus says:

Aug 8 2013 at 9:58 pm

@frank not sure that was me (actually I am sure it wasnt) - when most everything important in the world happens between 8 and 17 hours behind you, you become quite adept at simple arithmetic (time calculus to you).
ItaloFrank says:

Aug 8 2013 at 10:25 pm

@frank

ops!