Categories: Defining MomentsEtiquetteExportFolkloreLa Vie VelominatusNostalgiaThe HardmenThe Rules

The Constant Companion

A technique crafted in the wheel of Le Professeur

A friend recently asked my advice for how to prepare for the longest ride he’d ever done. My approach is somewhat unorthodox when it comes to this sort of thing; I like to train to ride a lot farther than the event itself, and whenever possible, throw in a handful of sessions with my old friend, The Man with the Hammer. I suggested he do the same, just to make sure he understands the alchemy of combining total exhaustion with the reality of still having a long way to ride. Based on his response suggesting the idea somehow contained a bad taste, I assume he didn’t take my advice.

I didn’t invent this technique. De Vlaeminck was known for his marathon training sessions involving a diabolical mixture of V:00 am starts and distances of 400km in preparation for his favorite race, Paris-Roubaix. Fignon was known to head out for day-long rides with little or no food in his pockets with the express intent of meeting the Man with the Hammer.

The Man with the Hammer holds a special place in the mythology of Cycling; ruthless and unpredictable, he lurks about in the shadows, ready to strike at any time. Most fear him, but I have been bopped on the head by him so many times, I start to feel lonely for his visits after a few months. I sense him in the nape of my neck long before he draws his hammer down with his judgement. On long solo rides, when the mind retreats into The Tunnel, I often find myself carrying silent conversations. Perhaps it is he to whom I speak in those dark hours.

His presence as a constant companion may not be as insane as it sounds. Explorers have often spoken of feeling that another presence was traveling with them; the early teams who attempted to scale Mount Everest had difficulty reconciling the numbers in their party due to the convincing sensation that another had been with them. All three men in Shackleton’s party who crossed the island of South Georgia independently confided in their captain that they believed a fourth to be traveling with them. This, I am certain, is the great spirit of the Man with the Hammer. We must not fear him; though he may be ready to strike, he is a benevolent spirit.

There is something purifying in being completely depleted and still having to carry on; it flushes your transgressions from you in a cleansing flood. Don’t avoid this; seek it out; every rider should endeavor to experience his visits at least a few times per year. They remind you that you can push beyond your limits, that the only thing bridging the chasm to a goal is having the will to act.

Whenever I find myself weighed down and questioning myself, I head out on my bicycle with no food in the pockets and with the express intent of meeting my old friend, the Man with the Hammer.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next Guest Article: What You Don't Know Will Eventually Kill You »

Previous « Motorcus and the Hour Record

View Comments

frank says:

Aug 8 2013 at 2:41 pm

@Fins

Some days you can mitigate this with food, pacing yourself and various other crutches. However, a true cyclist understands that some days you just have to take the long route and know that you will get home eventually.

Day two of the V to V Cogal was like that; not enough training in the legs for how hard we hit Day 1; pretty well fucked by the end of it, and Sunday was a brute from the start. Even doing the rollers, I could feel how bad the day was going to be. I fed, I drank, I did all I could to keep him away, but his march was much more steady than mine, like Jason walking and still catching up to the running girl in Friday the Thirteenth.
frank says:

Aug 8 2013 at 2:47 pm

@Weldertron

The Man with the Hammer and I had a long, wet bonding experience this weekend. Threat of Rule #9 weather meant the uninitiated ride leader called off the food stop with 60km to go. (didn't pack any food, as a stop was scheduled.) We got on a very personal level with 20km to go, as most of the group heads home downhill to the east, I turn westward where copious amounts of Rule #5 were needed to make it up the 1.6km 12% that stands in my way on the way home.

That's a classic anecdote, isn't it?

Same happened to me on a big training ride last winter; we live on a ridge with pretty steep ramps from all sides. It was December, raining, and I was doing 200km which means sun up to sun down riding at that time of year. It was getting dark. By the time I got into town, I noticed I was slowing down way before the green lights, just to make sure they turned red and I had an excuse to stop.

A few lights later, I was resting my head on the bars, taking cue from the cars that the light had turned green. By the time I got to the hill beneath my house, I actually stopped at the roadside and sat there, trying to figure out how I was going to get up the hill.

I got up, and rolled right into the grocery store where I bought bananas and snickers bars and two cans of coke. I ate/drank all of it inside the store before rolling the 3 blocks home.

That's proper bonking right there.

Then there's the time I bonked halfway up Haleakala.

@G'rilla

Beautiful. Less beautiful:

She gives a smile when the pain comes
The pain's gonna make everything alright

From She Talks to Angels
Jamie says:

Aug 8 2013 at 2:51 pm

Ah Frank, I'm afraid that man wasn't wielding a hammer, it was an empty bottle.
frank says:

Aug 8 2013 at 2:52 pm

@Deakus

The Man with the Hammer is to be respected, his presence is an indicator that we are weak and have not been following the true path.

I am not sure he is to be welcomed, and be careful what you seek....you might just find it.

On the contrary; avoiding him means you're not trying hard enough. No matter how strong you are, how well-trained, how closely you follow the path, his hammer blow will come if you push yourself hard enough.

Meditate on this, my child. How still have much to learn.
frank says:

Aug 8 2013 at 2:53 pm

@Puffy You too. Time to rethink; his visits are signs of progress, not failure.
frank says:

Aug 8 2013 at 3:00 pm

@Chris

I came close, I think, on the Tourmalet last year when the man walked alongside me for a while and may even have filled my bidon on occasion but I think that he got bored watching a cyclist whose will was clearly failing before his body. I climb like a battleship.

Or maybe like a fishing boat?

I may also have come close on KT13 but GeneviÃ¨ve's baguettes trump a hammer on any day even when there is a cold headwind blowing out of Belgium and once you've put Camphin-en-PÃ©vÃ¨le and Carrefour de l'Arbre behind you and you know you're on the final run in, the legs become disconnected and the man with the hammer becomes less of a concern.

You were on a good one that day. Too bad you still got smoked in the end.
frank says:

Aug 8 2013 at 3:08 pm

@itburns

@Gianni

Fuck that. I've met the Man mit Hammer and after he hit the soft spot on my skull it took me forty-five minutes to ride the last three miles home. I don't like him, his people nor care to meet him again. He is an A-Hole.

My Festum Prophetae tradition of a long solo ride is consistent in having the Hammering Man along for company toward the end. For this tradition only, I would feel cheated if he didn't show. The rest of the time, he is like a friend that accidentally breaks stuff when he visits your home - you are surprised by the damage, try and continue to enjoy the visit in spite of this, and deal with the aftermath as best as possible.

I think I'm that friend. That might explain my affinity for the MWTH. That, and I'm loud and don't know how to stop swearing just because I'm around children.
frank says:

Aug 8 2013 at 3:08 pm

@Chris

@Jamie I rather like his depiction of the hell of the north

Fucking rad. That deserves a repost.
frank says:

Aug 8 2013 at 3:13 pm

@itburns

I can see the point of the racers in the community that individually measure out morning espresso grinds to stay within their optimum training "program" thinking it is a failure when meeting the Man outside of a race. It would indicate a lack of discipline or an issue with the "program". For the rest of us that don't race, just ride, he is the Shadow and can strike at any time.

I still disagree with all of them; maybe a full bonk is bad as you work up to a peak, but aside from that, its always a great training technique.
frank says:

Aug 8 2013 at 3:18 pm

@Ron

Nice one, Frank! 400 km? Woah.

I find that when I haven't ridden even for just a few days I begin to doubt myself. Can I ride that long? Do I still even know how to ride a bike? What about traffic, can I handle my bike in traffic before I get outside the city? Maybe it's really just the Man with the Hammer trying to scare me away from trying. Of course, as soon as I just go out and ride, even if not anything massive, my confidence is always restored in no time.

I've never accused anyone of this, but you think too hard. Just ride your bike and don't worry about it.

@Jamie

Was his name @eightzero? Was the empty bottle Wild Turkey?