Categories: Defining MomentsKeepers TourNostalgiaRantings from the V-BunkerThe Hardmen

The Curse of Hell

Badass. Just...badass.

Northern Europe is supposed to have crap weather in the Spring. By crap, of course, I mean wet. I call bullshit on that, because the last time I saw rain fall in Hell, it was 2002.

In 2002, Outdoor Life Network aired an hour-long broadcast on the history of Paris-Roubaix before airing full live coverage of the race. When the race came on, everything was covered in mud, even the lens on the television camera was spattered. The VMH and I looked at each other and said, “Why is it always raining during this race?”

So there you have it. I take full responsibility for causing every Roubaix since to be cursed by dryness. I’ve been doing rain dances, head-stands and seances every year since with absolutely no improvement in racing conditions. So this year, I’m trying another tactic.

I hope its dry this year. Mud is messy and I bet wet cobbles are downright unpleasant to ride on. They’re probably slippery too, and slippery roads can be dangerous. Just ask Fabian Cancellara. And muddy riders? They don’t look very tidy, now, do they? What would the sponsors say about that?

That settles it; it would be downright irresponsible to allow Paris-Roubaix to be held in Rule #9 conditions. Good thing, then, that its always dry.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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wiscot says:

Mar 6 2015 at 11:22 am

Wiggins will be praying for rain. He doesn't fare too well when things get slippy . . .

"Who's to blame?" Man, I thought that was highlights from some future UCI Truth and Reconciliation commission. Lots of fingers being pointed and at the end of the day, some poor sod of a janitor will get the sack.

History lesson? I'll take the bait. The rider is Gilbert Duclos Lassalle, commonly and affectionately known as "Duclos.". French through and through, he always rode for home teams and had a crazy long career - 1977 to 1995. In other words, from the early Hinault years to COTHO. A super solid rider with a barrel chest, he won one day races and short stage races. He was too big and heavy to do real action at the Tour.

He had a good record at Paris-Roubaix finishing 2nd in 1980 to Francesco Moser and 2nd in 1983 to Hennie Kuiper. No shame there.Then there came a drought of almost 10 years until his back-to-back wins in 1992 and 93. They couldn't have been more different. In 92 he won solo, beating Olaf Ludwig by almost a full lap of the velodrome, pursued by a massive bunch.

The following year it was a matter of mere inches that he beat Franco Ballerini in a two up sprint after the duo had stayed away in the final kilometers as the race organizers took the race around some of the less attractive industrial areas of the city. Ballerini grew increasingly frustrated with the wily Frenchman who basically sat on the Italian's wheel for most of the last five kms. Upon entering the hallowed velodrome, Ballerini soft-pedalled the first lap, hoping to force Duclos into the lead. Nothing doing. Duclos only came to the front to lead out the sprint. So close was it that Ballerini immediately threw up his arm in victory and continued to celebrate a lap of honor until the actual result could be determined. Duclos stood on the top step, cobblestone trophy and huge bouquet in his arms. Only one Frenchman has won since - the journeyman Frederic Guesdon in 1997.

Will the French drought continue? Will the rain drought? We shall see.
Rigid says:

Mar 6 2015 at 1:12 pm

I just read GDL's story in the excellent book - Paris-Roubaix A Journey Through Hell and had a tear in the eye by the end of it, it's such a good story of perseverance and eventual triumph. In '92 he had to battle his mind riding alone at the head of the field in front of Olaf Ludwig, with the solitude and the extreme length of the day. He pulled it together when the following rider got to within 30's and used time information from the photographers and other allies to match his pace in awesome tactical display to the finish
wiscot says:

Mar 6 2015 at 1:16 pm

Update: the featured picture is from 1994 which was a muddy one. It must have been taken relatively early in the race given the amount of mud on Duclos. It got really sloppy later. 1993 was dry and dusty. In 1994 in a cruel twist of fate, Duclos and Ballerini were in a solid break of 5 when both punctured. No team car or service cars were anywhere in sight. Both rode on the rim for more than a kilometer until the neutral Mavic moto showed up. Guess who got taken care of first? Duclos. Despite this Ballerini finished third behind winner Tchmil and second place Baldato. Sean Yates was fifth. Duclos seventh.

Ballerini finally got his win in 1995.
Gianni says:

Mar 6 2015 at 1:46 pm

@wiscot

Wiggins will be praying for rain. He doesn’t fare too well when things get slippy . . .

Yes, I'll be praying for rain. I want someone to win who is truly a good rider in wet slippery conditions, not Twiggo or Fabs. Big puddles, mud everywhere, cold, skinny climbers hopping into team cars before the cobbles even start. I want it all.
JohnB says:

Mar 6 2015 at 3:43 pm

@Gianni

@wiscot

Wiggins will be praying for rain. He doesn’t fare too well when things get slippy . . .

Yes, I’ll be praying for rain. I want someone to win who is truly a good rider in wet slippery conditions, not Twiggo or Fabs. Big puddles, mud everywhere, cold, skinny climbers hopping into team cars before the cobbles even start. I want it all.

Yes this.
frank says:

Mar 6 2015 at 4:42 pm

@Ron

That dude (cue the scolding, but I’ll take it as it’ll also bring a wiscot history lesson!) was just riding through those conditions like a maniac so he could get enough mud on his bars and obscure the splatter-effect tape.

Easy on the splatter tape. I'd never buy that shit unless I was held at gunpoint, but that was the shit in 1993.
Ccos says:

Mar 6 2015 at 6:26 pm

It always rains (or currently snows) the day after I wash my car. I get this powerful urge to wash the thing, then... fack.

So, just ship me and my voiture to said location and I'll see what I can do
Harminator says:

Mar 6 2015 at 9:03 pm

Is that a Belgian Base Layer Duclos is wearing?

(Thanks Wiscot. Exemplary as usual.)
ColoradoNate says:

Mar 6 2015 at 9:42 pm

Simple solution: Have Rob McKenna attend the race.
Harminator says:

Mar 6 2015 at 10:00 pm

A bit of rain in Tuscany this w/e would be nice too...