Categories: Defining MomentsKeepers TourNostalgiaRantings from the V-BunkerThe Hardmen

The Curse of Hell

Badass. Just...badass.

Northern Europe is supposed to have crap weather in the Spring. By crap, of course, I mean wet. I call bullshit on that, because the last time I saw rain fall in Hell, it was 2002.

In 2002, Outdoor Life Network aired an hour-long broadcast on the history of Paris-Roubaix before airing full live coverage of the race. When the race came on, everything was covered in mud, even the lens on the television camera was spattered. The VMH and I looked at each other and said, “Why is it always raining during this race?”

So there you have it. I take full responsibility for causing every Roubaix since to be cursed by dryness. I’ve been doing rain dances, head-stands and seances every year since with absolutely no improvement in racing conditions. So this year, I’m trying another tactic.

I hope its dry this year. Mud is messy and I bet wet cobbles are downright unpleasant to ride on. They’re probably slippery too, and slippery roads can be dangerous. Just ask Fabian Cancellara. And muddy riders? They don’t look very tidy, now, do they? What would the sponsors say about that?

That settles it; it would be downright irresponsible to allow Paris-Roubaix to be held in Rule #9 conditions. Good thing, then, that its always dry.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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eenies says:

Mar 7 2015 at 1:06 am

@wiscot

1994 was indeed an epic edition, I was in Hossegor watching it on French TV and I didn't have much idea what was going on what with the snow/rain, murky live feed, unintelligible commentry and every rider wearing the same sharny broon kit. Andre Tchmil attacked with 63km to go and held on for the win although Johan Museeuw got tantalisingly close to catching him, in the end only 48 badass motherfuckers finished.
fignons barber says:

Mar 7 2015 at 5:12 am

@eenies

yes, and Museeuw was on a one-off Bianchi rig with special Diadora pedals. He flatted and couldn't become separated from the bike. I think that was the last we ever saw of that Bianchi or those pedals.
Chris says:

Mar 7 2015 at 5:41 am

@ColoradoNate

Simple solution: Have Rob McKenna attend the race.

Rain Types #5 and #9 perchance?
Ron says:

Mar 7 2015 at 5:54 am

@frank

@Ron

That dude (cue the scolding, but I’ll take it as it’ll also bring a wiscot history lesson!) was just riding through those conditions like a maniac so he could get enough mud on his bars and obscure the splatter-effect tape.

Easy on the splatter tape. I’d never buy that shit unless I was held at gunpoint, but that was the shit in 1993.

I now am envisioning a comedy skit where a tall, lanky, kitted up cyclist is indeed held at gunpoint by a few bad guys from central casting (maybe early days Rutger Hauer) and forced to decide between fizik microtex and Cinelli Splash.

I should also shut up, as I was a full decade from embracing road cycling when the Splash was at its peak. Who am I to mock.
Ron says:

Mar 7 2015 at 5:55 am

Yes, wiscot, thank you! Very great installment from you. I absolutely cannot fathom the mental fortitude to get that close twice in the early 80s...and not get a win until a decade later. My goodness. To put in all those years of training, hoping, staying in top form, living like a monk, treating your body well. What a story!
Teocalli says:

Mar 7 2015 at 6:02 am

Said Museeuw Bianchi.................
wilburrox says:

Mar 7 2015 at 6:29 am

@Teocalli

Said Museeuw Bianchi……………..

This is classic. A full suspension road rig missing only one thing... the disc brakes. Probably 11 kilo's of bike there. When it comes to road bikes, it's the cobbles that rep the one discipline if ya will, where opportunity exists to really improve the bike or more specifically, the ride. Not that anyone will go considerably faster (?) but the ride could still be greatly improved I'm guessing.
jb says:

Mar 7 2015 at 6:34 am

@Teocalli

It ain't all that often that I laugh out loud, but for some reason, this photo has me in stitches. Mother of god. Funny thing is, but for the cockups such as Museeuw experienced, that could have become a major evolutionary branch, rather than a dead end... Makes me wonder what we'll think of our current mountain bikes, in twenty years.
wilburrox says:

Mar 7 2015 at 6:40 am

Here is a good description at PezCycling of that bike and the race. Thanks @Teocalli, I really dig that bike. And just in case I didn't hyperlink correctly:

http://www.pezcyclingnews.com/features/retrofile-roubaix-meets-dual-suspension/#.VPsL4VoUN94
wilburrox says:

Mar 7 2015 at 6:57 am

@jb

@Teocalli

It ain’t all that often that I laugh out loud, but for some reason, this photo has me in stitches. Mother of god. Funny thing is, but for the cockups such as Museeuw experienced, that could have become a major evolutionary branch, rather than a dead end… Makes me wonder what we’ll think of our current mountain bikes, in twenty years.

That's interesting thought yes. The last five years have seen super improvements in mtn bikes: weight and suspension. My current full suspension 29er rig is just under 24 lbs and that's w/o carbon cockpit, seat tube and top of line components. And with the rear shock technology employed, it climbs like a mtn goat without losing any traction over rocks and roots and still maybe zero loss to inefficiencies from squish when pedaling. Amazing. My daughter's 650b hard tail race machine we built up at 21 lbs on XS frame. And we could have easily (though expensively) got it well under 20 lbs. And where weight's not an issue, with what's being done with suspension tech on the looney tune downhill bombing bikes??

Don't think similar is in store for road bikes? I'm guessing the engineering and technology is capable today of a full suspension road rig at close to the 15 lb weight limit. Might be one very expensive bike yes, but could be done. Obviously not necessary for regular roads. Good wheel/tire and pressure can manage any specific road surface. But for cobbles, fire roads, service roads, and even CX ? Plenty of opportunity.