Categories: Defining MomentsKeepers TourNostalgiaRantings from the V-BunkerThe Hardmen

The Curse of Hell

Badass. Just...badass.

Northern Europe is supposed to have crap weather in the Spring. By crap, of course, I mean wet. I call bullshit on that, because the last time I saw rain fall in Hell, it was 2002.

In 2002, Outdoor Life Network aired an hour-long broadcast on the history of Paris-Roubaix before airing full live coverage of the race. When the race came on, everything was covered in mud, even the lens on the television camera was spattered. The VMH and I looked at each other and said, “Why is it always raining during this race?”

So there you have it. I take full responsibility for causing every Roubaix since to be cursed by dryness. I’ve been doing rain dances, head-stands and seances every year since with absolutely no improvement in racing conditions. So this year, I’m trying another tactic.

I hope its dry this year. Mud is messy and I bet wet cobbles are downright unpleasant to ride on. They’re probably slippery too, and slippery roads can be dangerous. Just ask Fabian Cancellara. And muddy riders? They don’t look very tidy, now, do they? What would the sponsors say about that?

That settles it; it would be downright irresponsible to allow Paris-Roubaix to be held in Rule #9 conditions. Good thing, then, that its always dry.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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Barracuda says:

Mar 8 2015 at 6:41 pm

@Ccos

It always rains (or currently snows) the day after I wash my car. I get this powerful urge to wash the thing, then… fack.

So, just ship me and my voiture to said location and I’ll see what I can do

Agree, and you beat me to the comment.

Currently Im about to wash our black car as its dusty and looks crap when its dusty.

So I fully expect 20-30 mm of rain now.

How about we ship both cars over and it might be wet AND snowing at PR this year
velojello says:

Mar 9 2015 at 3:12 am

@wiscot

Update: the featured picture is from 1994 which was a muddy one. It must have been taken relatively early in the race given the amount of mud on Duclos. It got really sloppy later. 1993 was dry and dusty. In 1994 in a cruel twist of fate, Duclos and Ballerini were in a solid break of 5 when both punctured. No team car or service cars were anywhere in sight. Both rode on the rim for more than a kilometer until the neutral Mavic moto showed up. Guess who got taken care of first? Duclos. Despite this Ballerini finished third behind winner Tchmil and second place Baldato. Sean Yates was fifth. Duclos seventh.

Ballerini finally got his win in 1995.

I live for your history lessons man.
The Grande Fondue says:

Mar 9 2015 at 4:20 am
tessar says:

Mar 9 2015 at 6:44 am

@Pedale.Forchetta

If you wonder the girl is Lisa Brennauer the German Champ.

Gotta love Velocio-SRAM and MTN-Qhubeka. Cobbles? Gravel? Fuck yeah, we're riding aero bikes. The new S5 can, I believe, fit 28mm tyres. No excuses now.
VeloSix says:

Mar 9 2015 at 8:02 am

I think I'm going to wash my car every day for the next month. All my bikes.... and the dog... maybe the cat too. Possibly pressure wash the siding too.
frank says:

Mar 9 2015 at 8:46 am

@wiscot

Both of them looked so fantastic on the bike, and Ballerini's Bianchi had the softride stem, which under the circumstances probably offered a better ride than the Rock Shox did, because it could absorb smaller bumps whereas the RS of those days really only absorbed the bitter bumps.

But I can not conceive how horrible is must have been to sprint on the velodrome using that stem...probably cost him the race in the end!
frank says:

Mar 9 2015 at 8:52 am

@Rigid

I just read GDL’s story in the excellent book – Paris-Roubaix A Journey Through Hell and had a tear in the eye by the end of it, it’s such a good story of perseverance and eventual triumph. In ’92 he had to battle his mind riding alone at the head of the field in front of Olaf Ludwig, with the solitude and the extreme length of the day. He pulled it together when the following rider got to within 30’s and used time information from the photographers and other allies to match his pace in awesome tactical display to the finish

That was one of the first videos I had that wasn't a Tour de France, I don't know how many times I must have watched that...but it has to be in the hundreds. Such a great race.

@wiscot

Update: the featured picture is from 1994 which was a muddy one. It must have been taken relatively early in the race given the amount of mud on Duclos. It got really sloppy later. 1993 was dry and dusty. In 1994 in a cruel twist of fate, Duclos and Ballerini were in a solid break of 5 when both punctured. No team car or service cars were anywhere in sight. Both rode on the rim for more than a kilometer until the neutral Mavic moto showed up. Guess who got taken care of first? Duclos. Despite this Ballerini finished third behind winner Tchmil and second place Baldato. Sean Yates was fifth. Duclos seventh.

Ballerini finally got his win in 1995.

Another note is that Ballerini vowed never to ride the race again after loosing to Gibus, but wound up having a long, lovely relationship with the race.
frank says:

Mar 9 2015 at 8:56 am

@Teocalli

Said Museeuw Bianchi……………..

He told us it was like riding a throne.
frank says:

Mar 9 2015 at 8:59 am

@wilburrox

@jb

@Teocalli

It ain’t all that often that I laugh out loud, but for some reason, this photo has me in stitches. Mother of god. Funny thing is, but for the cockups such as Museeuw experienced, that could have become a major evolutionary branch, rather than a dead end… Makes me wonder what we’ll think of our current mountain bikes, in twenty years.

That’s interesting thought yes. The last five years have seen super improvements in mtn bikes: weight and suspension. My current full suspension 29er rig is just under 24 lbs and that’s w/o carbon cockpit, seat tube and top of line components. And with the rear shock technology employed, it climbs like a mtn goat without losing any traction over rocks and roots and still maybe zero loss to inefficiencies from squish when pedaling. Amazing. My daughter’s 650b hard tail race machine we built up at 21 lbs on XS frame. And we could have easily (though expensively) got it well under 20 lbs. And where weight’s not an issue, with what’s being done with suspension tech on the looney tune downhill bombing bikes??

Don’t think similar is in store for road bikes? I’m guessing the engineering and technology is capable today of a full suspension road rig at close to the 15 lb weight limit. Might be one very expensive bike yes, but could be done. Obviously not necessary for regular roads. Good wheel/tire and pressure can manage any specific road surface. But for cobbles, fire roads, service roads, and even CX ? Plenty of opportunity.

The main issue is that Roubaix is 250 km and "only" 50 km are on cobbles - so the fact that your bike doesn't handle and ride well becomes a more important issue than the softening of the cobbles.
Chris says:

Mar 9 2015 at 10:06 am

Damn. Hell for Boonen?