There are two ways in life to be good at something. The first way is the most obvious, which is to actually be good at something. This is harder than it sounds because you need things like skills, talent, fortitude, and light sabers. The other way doesn’t require those things but it has its own challenges; basically, you have to be holistically awful at the sort of levels that make all the suck turn inside out on itself until it becomes awesome. American Flyers did that, and the fashion industry routinely uses this principle to their advantage, regurgitating fads and styles first as kitschy retro cool and then tricking us into thinking it actually looks good.
Cycling has happily been immune to this because our aesthetics were driven by function first through advances in technology; never in our history have we been so advanced that we felt the inclination to revert a step or two simply for the novelty of going backwards. The Velominatus may well be inclined to look to steel frames and three-cross box-section wheelsets for their durability and ride quality, but that is a luxury that we as amateurs enjoy without the demands of racing at the top level of our sport where events are won by fractions of percents gained through marginal advances in technology.
But apparently we’ve reached the stage now where Cycling style is being influenced by kids helmets and skateboard attire. I went for a ride with a good friend a few weeks back who was riding in Giro’s new baggy line of clothing. It flopped around like a sail in the wind generated by our own speed, and basically sent him backwards in the breeze that was blowing in along the coast. It looked good in the café before the ride, I have to admit, but last time I checked, Cycling clothing was supposed to be designed for Looking Fantastic while riding, not while sipping a doppio macchiato. (But let’s not understate the importance of looking good while sipping an espresso. We are not animals.)
And the helmets. There are accounts supported by doctored photographs floating around the internet of me wearing an ugly helmet, something I categorically deny ever happened. Nevertheless, let the record show that the lids the Pros are wearing these days are an abomination of style, culture, aesthetics, and progress. My Aeon is so light that I had to put on a few extra pounds just to make sure it doesn’t carry me off when I go outside. And guess what? It’s actually well-ventilated which means my sweet shades don’t fog up when I climb like the Evade makes them do. (Theoretically, of course. Because those photos are fakes.) And speaking of shades, I’m wearing a pair of Oakleys with photosensitive lenses that go from completely clear to black anodized depending on the light conditions. Also well-ventilated. That’s progress right there.
Riding a bike wearing an ice bucket on your head in baggy shorts and shirts with aviator sunglasses isn’t fashion forward, it’s Cycling – the most aesthetically independent sport in history – taking its cues from kids who think a long skateboard is an effective way to navigate through traffic. There may well be white space in the market for it, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be filled. We are the Velominati and we have standards, for Merckx’s sake.
Oh, and seriously, enough with the fucking beards. Rule #50, people. Sometimes you’ve just got to stand up and say we look like hell and I’m not gonna take it any more!
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@wiscot Ditto at Twickers. One year for England v France we took in a trestle table, keg of beer, gas bottle, beer tap and a box of glasses as set up on the terrace. The French supporters started producing wine bottles from their overcoats "You share our wine we share your beer?" Great party - as far as I remember.......
@ChrisO
Looks like you forgot your "taking the piss" pills this morning.
In all fairness, its a great sport and I'll watch it any chance I get.
@frank
No I wasn't taking it particularly seriously, I just figured that not many people here would have insight into British or European football culture, as opposed to the game itself experienced on television.
@ChrisO @Teocalli
Bloody hell boys! First an article on trying not to drown in a boat goes up on the site and now an in depth dissertation on the fanatical fans of football.
@sthilzy Thank you for bringing it back on topic.
Let us now return to extolling the virtues of the Divine Ms. V and discussing how to find a casque that looks fantastic.
@DeKerr
Let us now return to extolling the virtues of the Divine Ms. V and discussing how to find a casque that looks fantastic.
So is that encouraging more entries in @Marko and @Frank competition on helmet selfies? I fear for the consequences of that.
@ChrisO
I learnt everything I needed to from Rise of the Foot Soldier??
(JK, lifetime player here, knee issues led to the bike. And for what it is worth, the theatrics suck ass, but the reasoning is obviously a tactical play to retain/regain possession and obtain a set play such as a pen or spot kick. Ruins the game, but also can create the most magic moments with the set play goals. The NBA calls those same types of plays a flop)
@wiscot Surely a day out at Murrayfield can't be that expensive these days. I don't think it would be controversial to say that Scotland are so shite that no one will pay Twickenham prices to watch them.
I also went to Murrayfield a lot in the 80's with school. Happy days. Except maybe the day a couple of us sold our tickets, brought a half bottle of voddy each and started taking the piss out of all the Irish fans around the Haymarket. Turned out it was a trainload of Celtic fans from Glasgow.
However we got here, I'm just glad I have reasonable cause to finally post this:
@Chris
Chris, Good point on actually paying to see Scotland's rugby team. Same goes for the fitba team too. I'm not sure what 5 briefs for Murrayfield costs these days, but a quick search on the interwebs says briefs for Tonga for next year are around 50 quid, the All Blacks near a hundred. 5 of those will dent the bank balance!
Glad to see you survived your "encounter" with the Hoops fans. Could have been dangerous!
@frank
Easy folks. I'm just poking the bear, or perhaps the Badger, with a stick. I think the real issue is the extreme specialization of modern elite athletes and I remain unconvinced that even Merckx all-around skills could win 525 races in the 21st Century. Undeniably, Wiggins and a few others (yes, we count Cadel's MTB career wins) demonstrate those same all-around skills.
Oh, and surely no one thinks Wiggins has given up on his "other" ambitions as a GT rider by riding the cobble stones this spring? Of course not (his TdS performance aside). He still has to be considered one of the top five or ten GC riders in the peloton, even while considering a return to the track for the 2016 Olympics.