There are two ways in life to be good at something. The first way is the most obvious, which is to actually be good at something. This is harder than it sounds because you need things like skills, talent, fortitude, and light sabers. The other way doesn’t require those things but it has its own challenges; basically, you have to be holistically awful at the sort of levels that make all the suck turn inside out on itself until it becomes awesome. American Flyers did that, and the fashion industry routinely uses this principle to their advantage, regurgitating fads and styles first as kitschy retro cool and then tricking us into thinking it actually looks good.
Cycling has happily been immune to this because our aesthetics were driven by function first through advances in technology; never in our history have we been so advanced that we felt the inclination to revert a step or two simply for the novelty of going backwards. The Velominatus may well be inclined to look to steel frames and three-cross box-section wheelsets for their durability and ride quality, but that is a luxury that we as amateurs enjoy without the demands of racing at the top level of our sport where events are won by fractions of percents gained through marginal advances in technology.
But apparently we’ve reached the stage now where Cycling style is being influenced by kids helmets and skateboard attire. I went for a ride with a good friend a few weeks back who was riding in Giro’s new baggy line of clothing. It flopped around like a sail in the wind generated by our own speed, and basically sent him backwards in the breeze that was blowing in along the coast. It looked good in the café before the ride, I have to admit, but last time I checked, Cycling clothing was supposed to be designed for Looking Fantastic while riding, not while sipping a doppio macchiato. (But let’s not understate the importance of looking good while sipping an espresso. We are not animals.)
And the helmets. There are accounts supported by doctored photographs floating around the internet of me wearing an ugly helmet, something I categorically deny ever happened. Nevertheless, let the record show that the lids the Pros are wearing these days are an abomination of style, culture, aesthetics, and progress. My Aeon is so light that I had to put on a few extra pounds just to make sure it doesn’t carry me off when I go outside. And guess what? It’s actually well-ventilated which means my sweet shades don’t fog up when I climb like the Evade makes them do. (Theoretically, of course. Because those photos are fakes.) And speaking of shades, I’m wearing a pair of Oakleys with photosensitive lenses that go from completely clear to black anodized depending on the light conditions. Also well-ventilated. That’s progress right there.
Riding a bike wearing an ice bucket on your head in baggy shorts and shirts with aviator sunglasses isn’t fashion forward, it’s Cycling – the most aesthetically independent sport in history – taking its cues from kids who think a long skateboard is an effective way to navigate through traffic. There may well be white space in the market for it, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be filled. We are the Velominati and we have standards, for Merckx’s sake.
Oh, and seriously, enough with the fucking beards. Rule #50, people. Sometimes you’ve just got to stand up and say we look like hell and I’m not gonna take it any more!
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@frank Wellll, bronchodilators would count as a marginal gain...
Should read Phil Gaimon's book about this.
@gaswepass
They have two photosensitive lenses and I have the black one because it goes full clear to full iridium. The VMH rode them the other day and I saw how quickly it changed, its almost instantaneous. You don't notice when you're wearing them yourself, all you notice is that your vision is always perfect.
@frank Are you referring to this?
@Marko
You were making a good point about Wiggo and PR but there is one massive oversight: you also posted a photo of yourself looking like one of the mushrooms from Super Mario Bros.
This would be a step up.
Wiggo is still a far fucking cry from being a complete rider. First, has has to stop being a little bitch. Second, he has to have a GT target the same year as a PR target like Everyone up until and including LeMond had. Then he has to continue to stop being a little bitch.
I love his style off the bike though. Skinny people look great in clothes.
@brett
That is the principle behind Rapha. Look Fantastic without looking like you're on a team.
@Rob
All things being equal, I choose what I think looks best. There is a large margin of error on "the equal" part, meaning that so long as there is something that definitely looks better I will choose that so long as it isn't so much more inferior that it doesn't get in the way.
@VirenqueForever
Plus one badge to you, matey.
@Pedale.Forchetta
you got it, thats fantastic
You know, if someone beats you, sporting the beard....well, you not only got beat....it really couldn't have even been close
Thank you very much Frank for this article
as usual, you nail it
I saw the customary intros for these helmets on other websites, and am so underwhelmed
I was left thinking....I think I'll just sport a cap again thanks, but no thanks to the new stuff
@frank
I'm a big fan of the understated kit look. The VMH gave me a Torm jersey as a gift earlier this year. Nice stuff, well made, and classy. Pockets need a bit of resizing, in my opinion, but not a deal breaker. They are a mom & pop operation in the UK, if that is an added bonus for some of you.
Argh, Frank! You mentioned the photochromic lenses again. I'd love to try them after your praise, but I have yet to justify new lenses when I already have a drawer full of cycling-specific shades. Not cheap, but they do sound absolutely awesome. One pair of shades to rule them all.
@RedRanger
@Cogfather
@andrew
Thanks for the input. I'll look into some of the Giro helmets. I know she is not the kind who wants pink flowery shit (that's more my thing), so black or white and well-ventilated should work. I gotta nip this thing in the bud.