Categories: IrreverenceLa Vie VelominatusLook ProNostalgia

The Cycle of Style

There are two ways in life to be good at something. The first way is the most obvious, which is to actually be good at something. This is harder than it sounds because you need things like skills, talent, fortitude, and light sabers. The other way doesn’t require those things but it has its own challenges; basically, you have to be holistically awful at the sort of levels that make all the suck turn inside out on itself until it becomes awesome. American Flyers did that, and the fashion industry routinely uses this principle to their advantage, regurgitating fads and styles first as kitschy retro cool and then tricking us into thinking it actually looks good.

Cycling has happily been immune to this because our aesthetics were driven by function first through advances in technology; never in our history have we been so advanced that we felt the inclination to revert a step or two simply for the novelty of going backwards. The Velominatus may well be inclined to look to steel frames and three-cross box-section wheelsets for their durability and ride quality, but that is a luxury that we as amateurs enjoy without the demands of racing at the top level of our sport where events are won by fractions of percents gained through marginal advances in technology.

But apparently we’ve reached the stage now where Cycling style is being influenced by kids helmets and skateboard attire. I went for a ride with a good friend a few weeks back who was riding in Giro’s new baggy line of clothing. It flopped around like a sail in the wind generated by our own speed, and basically sent him backwards in the breeze that was blowing in along the coast. It looked good in the café before the ride, I have to admit, but last time I checked, Cycling clothing was supposed to be designed for Looking Fantastic while riding, not while sipping a doppio macchiato. (But let’s not understate the importance of looking good while sipping an espresso. We are not animals.)

And the helmets. There are accounts supported by doctored photographs floating around the internet of me wearing an ugly helmet, something I categorically deny ever happened. Nevertheless, let the record show that the lids the Pros are wearing these days are an abomination of style, culture, aesthetics, and progress. My Aeon is so light that I had to put on a few extra pounds just to make sure it doesn’t carry me off when I go outside. And guess what? It’s actually well-ventilated which means my sweet shades don’t fog up when I climb like the Evade makes them do. (Theoretically, of course. Because those photos are fakes.) And speaking of shades, I’m wearing a pair of Oakleys with photosensitive lenses that go from completely clear to black anodized depending on the light conditions. Also well-ventilated. That’s progress right there.

Riding a bike wearing an ice bucket on your head in baggy shorts and shirts with aviator sunglasses isn’t fashion forward, it’s Cycling – the most aesthetically independent sport in history – taking its cues from kids who think a long skateboard is an effective way to navigate through traffic. There may well be white space in the market for it, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be filled. We are the Velominati and we have standards, for Merckx’s sake.

Oh, and seriously, enough with the fucking beards. Rule #50, people. Sometimes you’ve just got to stand up and say we look like hell and I’m not gonna take it any more!

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Jun 13 2014 at 8:56 am

@Marko

The point isn't even that he wins (especially in this day and age) it's that he's in the mix, factoring, making shit happen. Plus he gives a good interview, plays the guitar, and seems to be having fun. I think the guy is cool and am very happy that I never hung my hat on Frandy.

Fair enough. That last part is harsh.
frank says:

Jun 13 2014 at 9:03 am

@VeloSix

@frank

@VeloSix

The point I take as odd is where he claims he doesn't use it all the time. But only before a big effort. Well what the fuck is that? You either have exercise induced asthma or you don't, right?

This topic is for an article of its own, but I feel strongly that taking a bronchial dilator prophylactically is, quite simply, doping - with or without a TUE.

This is an interesting perspective. I can't say I think the same thought, or even that I disagree either. Inconclusive data.... I do know, that I'm happy to not spontaneously have to pull off to the side and watch my ride mates ride away while I try feverishly to breathe (and be pretty much completely wrecked after such an episode). I also know that I've not suddenly showed up to ride, and be faster than anyone else I wasn't already faster than previously.

It has much less to do with whether it helps than it does with the mindset of the person using it; a philosophical thing, if you will. Its a blurred line, like everything else that's interesting.
Buck Rogers says:

Jun 13 2014 at 9:16 am

@Marko

@Wah-Balls

@Marko I wish my balls were big enough to rock this look! Cool as fuck. Good work fella!

FWIW, my balls are average as near as I can tell. I just know good gear when I see it and prefer to define my own happiness rather than letting others do it for me.

But fer FUCK'S SAKE, man, do you have to post a fuck'in photo of it! Masturbation Principle and all that.

I understand that you might be trying to not have to worry about the Three Point System by wearing the largest (and most fuckin ugly) helmet EVER invented that looks like a bloated boa constrictor trying to swallow an elephant but you are a KEEPER for FUCK's SAKE!

"Good Gear" over looking good, what the hell is the world coming to.

Jesus, I think that I will actually have to check to see if the sun actual is rising in the East tomorrow morning.

Alright, proceeding to go fuck myself per Marko's first post upon coming out of the ugly closet, but man, sometimes you just have to take a stand for what is right, no???
PeakInTwoYears says:

Jun 13 2014 at 9:41 am

Cue Sobchak meme.
Buck Rogers says:

Jun 13 2014 at 9:59 am

Oh, you must mean this one.
VeloSix says:

Jun 13 2014 at 11:30 am

@frank

@VeloSix

@frank

@VeloSix

The point I take as odd is where he claims he doesn't use it all the time. But only before a big effort. Well what the fuck is that? You either have exercise induced asthma or you don't, right?

This topic is for an article of its own, but I feel strongly that taking a bronchial dilator prophylactically is, quite simply, doping - with or without a TUE.

This is an interesting perspective. I can't say I think the same thought, or even that I disagree either. Inconclusive data.... I do know, that I'm happy to not spontaneously have to pull off to the side and watch my ride mates ride away while I try feverishly to breathe (and be pretty much completely wrecked after such an episode). I also know that I've not suddenly showed up to ride, and be faster than anyone else I wasn't already faster than previously.

It has much less to do with whether it helps than it does with the mindset of the person using it; a philosophical thing, if you will. Its a blurred line, like everything else that's interesting.

That I get.
Teocalli says:

Jun 13 2014 at 11:45 am

@wiscot

@Teocalli

@Mikael Liddy On the rare occasions I do watch soccer I often wonder what a manager is trying to prove by wearing a tracksuit on the touchline.

Oh don't get me started. It's like baseball managers wearing full player gear. Really? I hear tell it's because in the dark ages the manager might be called upon to actually play if so required. As we now live in an age when an all-star game was declared a tie because both teams had "exhausted" their rosters, yet the managers didn't take the field to break said tie, I think we can declare the practice obsolete. That being said, would you want to wear a nice suit in a dugout where copious amounts of baccy juice are being expectorated and gallons of gatorade are sloshing around?

Another thing: the NFL would certainly disapprove of how Saint Vince Lombardi comported himself sartorially. When Bill Belicheck's dress code is deemed acceptable, you know the standards have slipped beyond redemption.

What was that quote in Men in Black - "Rodman, not much of a disguise"
VeloSix says:

Jun 13 2014 at 11:49 am

@wiscot

@Teocalli

@Mikael Liddy On the rare occasions I do watch soccer I often wonder what a manager is trying to prove by wearing a tracksuit on the touchline.

Another thing: the NFL would certainly disapprove of how Saint Vince Lombardi comported himself sartorially. When Bill Belicheck's dress code is deemed acceptable, you know the standards have slipped beyond redemption.

Wait, what? Bill Belicheck follows rules?
wiscot says:

Jun 13 2014 at 1:57 pm

@VeloSix

@wiscot

@Teocalli

@Mikael Liddy On the rare occasions I do watch soccer I often wonder what a manager is trying to prove by wearing a tracksuit on the touchline.

Another thing: the NFL would certainly disapprove of how Saint Vince Lombardi comported himself sartorially. When Bill Belicheck's dress code is deemed acceptable, you know the standards have slipped beyond redemption.

Wait, what? Bill Belicheck follows rules?

Well, theoretically. I think the NFL rules for coaches' clothing reads thus: "Any coach may wear whatever they want, no matter how shit it looks, no matter how poorly it fits or has been tailored, so long as it is approved NFL merchandise."

That rule Belicheck does follow. The rest? Not so much.
Fausto Crapiz says:

Jun 13 2014 at 4:51 pm

Just gotta ask? Why the sudden Froome hate. Personally, I like his attitude.