Spinal Tap Black

White is a troublesome color; hard to keep clean. I have a white dress shirt that I never wear because even if I manage not to spill on the front of it, the cuffs and collar will look crap by the end of the day regardless. I mean, I can keep from eating something all day, but I can’t keep from drinking coffee or wine, and before very long some of it is going on the shirt, right were people check out my man-boobs.

I can’t keep my dress clothes clean, the ones I wear to my office. That’s a clean business, going to the office. And Cycling is a dirty business, even on sunny days there is a road grit and chain grease to contend with. And our feet and hands get the worst of it. Who in their right mind would ride with white socks and bar tape?

In my younger days, I started a website called ControlFreak, for which the tagline was “a term used by lazy people to describe someone with standards.” Obviously my writing skills had some room to grow and I was also too young to understand the practical complications of having things like “standards”. Nevertheless, I am proud of the sentiment. It was a first (malnourished) seed of Velominati; its uncompromising attitude built a fiber of the vein that runs through our heritage in this community. In the ControlFreak sensibility, white socks and bar tape are for those of us with standards of cleanliness; they are for the aesthetic steadfast who are willing to invest both the time and inventory to maintain a matching set of curtains and drapes. Black is for those who are too lazy to keep a clean house.

My Number #1 has always had white bars. The other bikes can have black tape because white bar tape is for leaders; Bike #1 is Alpha, the others are Beta – no matter how much I love them.

So why is it that I have been attracted by the blackness of my handlebars every time I unwrap the tape from them? I’m not talking about the Betas, I’m talking about my Alpha: my Veloforma Strada iR. It was a time of turmoil, maybe. Perhaps some unrest in the Force, where the Dark Side grew in strength. Or maybe I enjoyed too many Recovery Ales that day. The event was too long ago and too poorly documented for anyone to be certain, but the fact is, I wrapped Bike #1’s bars in black tap.

Let me say that again in a separate paragraph: I wrapped Bike #1’s bars in black tap.

No one else. Not the guy down the shop because he didn’t have anything else. Not the VMH. Not my sister. Me.

And I loved it.

The bike was so stealth I felt like I was riding a Sith. Actually, maybe not – I don’t think a Sith would stand for that sort of thing. Maybe I felt like I was riding a Sith Speeder.

But something was missing. I didn’t feel right. I felt a few centimeters off-center, so one night I picked up a new roll of fizik microtex and rewrapped the bars in white.

It felt good to go back, like taking a shower after a long camping trip. Or brushing your teeth after a night on the piss. There was something visceral about it. I brought the bike up to the bedroom and leaned her (gently) against the wall so I could gaze at her as I fell asleep. It felt good to know I had come back to my center. I had come back to expecting more of myself. I would keep my bar tape clean.

Darth Sidious said, “If one is to understand the great mystery, one must study all its aspects.”

Just because he’s a jerk doesn’t mean he’s wrong. Just so long as we find our way back to The Path.

That night, I slept soundly.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @Buck Rogers

    @frank FUCK .. and I thought that I was ballzy and bad for posting pictures of naked Sith Women!!!

    That was some chutzpah right there.

    Buck, get real FFS. Nobody has bigger balls than you.

  • @PeakInTwoYears

    @tessar I considered that perspective, too. For me personally, copying a frame design is one thing, but then copying the mark as well is quite another. VF didn't go into business selling fake Cervelos. And, from what vanishingly small amount I know about frame building, it isn't a simple matter of using the same mold.

    I agree, there are two sides here: One is buying an open-mold frame, which is perfectly legitimate. Hong-Fu, Deng-Fu and several other factories or first-level resellers sell them, either raw black or with their own brand ("Avenger"? Seriously?!) - and the second is copying the logos and branding of both Veloforma and Velominati, and applying it to your said bike without permission or payment.

    However, considering the astonishing similarity between the Strada iR and the FM066-SL - claimed weight, shapes, specs and geometry - I find some of Veloforma's claims regarding "their" frame a bit dubious, especially considering $3000 for a frameset is custom stainless territory, or some top-brand frames that were developed in-house (even if they end up manufactured in the same country). There's also a fair bit of stolen intellectual property in the frames themselves even if they haven't committed it themselves - you can break their track frame into sections and tell exactly what frame they were derived from.

  • @tessar

    I am very willing--eager, even--to be educated, but isn't it true that two CF frames of identical geometry will vary in performance according to the materials used and how the layup is done?

    That said, I'm all in favor of creativity and fresh design and rewarding people for that kind of work.

  • While I am not a regular poster here so take this for what it is worth.

    I do agree that it was not cool to infringe on the Velominati and Veloforma say trade or copy rights.

    But I too think that Veloforma's claims regarding their frame are almost to coincidental with the fact that the Hung Fu frame is identical.

    I am not saying that Veloforma's frames are not legit, I know nothing of them or where their frames are made, but with the identical frame coming out of china one has to raise the question.

    Also as of now Veloforma's website does not work?

    Like I said take ti fir what it is worth, not making any claims here

  • @wilburrox

    @PeakInTwoYears I gotta say, I respect that, first, ya picked up on the BS and second, that you called out the BS in a particularly respectable (probably far more than deserved) way. Props due ya. Cheers

    Seconded. Very nice job there, @PeakInTwoYears. Also, your answer to @SamFromTex re 'deserving' a quality bike was spot on, I thought. My hat, sir, is sincerely doffed to you.

  • @ErikdR Thank you. I hope we can meet some day, so that you can learn what a mildly revolting little shit I really am.

  • @DeKerr

    @Dan_R

    And just because nobody asked, here is a picture of our newly branded CR Wheel Works Carrefour wheels. These two set of wheel are being raced in the European CX season by a Canadian nicknamed "Hot Sauce."

    Take my money... just take my fucking money!

    Oh wait... I don't have any right now.

    Mine too, Demo rides destined for South Australia down on the Fleurieu Peninsula penciled in any time soon Dan ??

  • @PeakInTwoYears

    To get back to your earlier question, the Fizik tape that seems to be popular around this corner of the web is what they now call "Classic Superlight".  Or "Superlight Classic"; I forget which.  Pretty sure Frank has a 'reverence" article on it some years back.

    That said, I have it on the old LeMond that I brought out to ride with y'all and while it looks fabulous and cleans up easily, it is slippery when it gets wet and not in the good 1980's-hair-metal-band kind of way.  Given the general rain around here, consider yourself appropriately warned.

  • @PeakInTwoYears

    @ErikdR Thank you. I hope we can meet some day, so that you can learn what a mildly revolting little shit I really am.

    You're welcome - and yes, that could be interesting. The experience would probably be sort of mutual, I reckon, apart from the fact that, at 6' 4" and 180 pounds, most would consider me a revolting big shit. I'm also an old, untalented and kinda fat guy on a nice bike, to quote the post you wrote to @SamFromTex. (That story certainly rang a bell - i.e..sounded very similar to my own)

  • @Chris Have a look at the Veloforma website and compare the copy with the real thing, and the copy isn't that great, the quality isn't there. The copy's paint is glossy, and yet the Veloforma appears matt. At the end of the day supporting those that make fakes is supporting organised crime.

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