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Festum Prophetae: The Impossible Hour

Frank on the track in Gent. 2 minutes sucked enough, why an Hour? Photo: @brettok

Update: You can watch the live stream (assuming it works from the velodrome) on the Velominati channel at USTREAM. When you log in, you’ll first see my little test video of my puppy eating grass. Please disregard me yelling at it. That never happened.

I have always considered myself to have a good imagination, something I attribute half to my genetics, half to my upbringing, and half to Lego. Despite this supposed creativity of mine, I am utterly incapable of conceiving how much I will suffer on Festum Prophetae. It might be that I’m too much of an optimist, but more likely is the explanation my darling VMH gives: I’m an idiot.

An example that comes to mind prominently would be my trilogy of efforts up Haleakala. I too easily forget the suffering, despite the videos and photos that speak quite plainly on the subject. And that actually happened. I experienced it. Still, the pain fades quickly and right now I feel like having another go.

I also rode a one kilometer Pursuit on the track in Gent on Keepers Tour (twice). Just the kind of good, non-competitive fun that lets you go so hard you suffer minor convulsions afterwards. Granted, a one-kilometer effort is about the worst event you can imagine for an old diesel like me, who doesn’t start heaping coals on the fire until I’ve been in the saddle for a good number of hours. Two minutes nearly killed me, so I should try doing the same thing for three orders of magnitude longer. (Pedant alert: The times were well under two minutes but that makes the math much more complicated and the suffering no less significant.)

The Hour Record has fascinated me more than any other event. I read about the records set by Coppi, Merckx, and Moser, but missed experiencing them in real time (Steep Hill.tv didn’t exist yet, and also I wasn’t alive for two of those.) I was, however, lucky enough to live through the Hour Record’s Golden Age in the 90’s when the widespread use of EPO and the wholesale negligence of the UCI meant frame builders were at liberty to design whatever speedy abomination they wished, and riders were willing to saddle up and lay the hammer down ad infinitum. Lets see who’s blood vessels pop first!

The doping is exaggerated; Boardman might have been clean and was probably just stupid. Obree was definitely clean and certainly stupid. Indurain was definitely doped, definitely not stupid. Rominger was dirty as a Wall Street Mortgage Broker, and a semi-genius. The game was afoot, and back and forth they went: New record! Record falls…New record! Record falls…It was fantastic. In my memory, I was much more enamored with the Hour than I was with the Tour.

I had the ambition to honor last year’s Festum with an Hour Ride (I won’t call it a Record), but factors outside my control (last minute panic to organize time on a track after leaving it too late) conspired against the effort. This year, I planned ahead a bit more.

In honor of what I consider to be the standard-setting Hour Record by The Prophet on what amounted to little more than standard track equipment at the time – not to mention, without the aid of genetics-altering drugs – I will be flogging my guts out for 60 minutes on the Alpenrose Track at 3pm on Saturday, June 15. Mark at Veloforma will be loaning me a Pista Pro for the ride, seeing as I have no track bike (or experience to speak of).

Anyone who wishes to come see a tall fat guy ride a bike badly for 60 minutes is welcome to come down and watch. I understand @scaler911 will be documenting the event. There is even a rumored appearance of my VMH who is a bit of a Snuffleupagus around these parts. If she attends, I will have her fill the role of Ole Ritter’s wife in The Impossible Hour and step forward for every lap I’m ahead of schedule and step backward for every lap that I’m behind schedule. She’s a strong woman not accustomed to walking backwards, but I’m sure she’ll do fine.

Merry Festum Prophetae, one and all. Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Tobin says:

Jun 5 2013 at 9:23 pm

Cheering section for @Frank?
pistard says:

Jun 5 2013 at 10:36 pm

Merckxspeed Frank! Stoked that this is finally happening and wishing I could be there. I too have been obsessed with the Hour Record since my cycling infancy. Beyond the brutality of the physical effort, it's the mental toll, the absolute alone-ness.
That Veloforma Pista is fucking awesome, if a bit modern for the Athlete's Hour. Can you get it before the day, or have you been training on a fixed gear? I know you never stop pedalling on the geared bike, but it's not quite the same.
BarTapeMummy says:

Jun 5 2013 at 10:40 pm

Put me down for 38.56. Or rather, put @frank down for 38.56, just to make it clear that I do not intend to attempt anything similar to this under any circumstances, ever. Good luck!
minion says:

Jun 5 2013 at 11:06 pm

@scaler911

Here's the question of the moment for me. The original plan was for him to come to PDX late Saturday morning, get to the track, practice a bit, then do his thing. I'd be there to document, yell encouraging obscenities, then get drunk.

There's a fantastic ride that I try and do every year up the Gorge (lot's a climbing) with some fantastic folk I work with that goes the very same morning. It gets competitive, but the pace is not "race pace" by any stretch.

I may have convinced him to come do this ride in the morning, finishing with time to eat, rest and get to the track.

He's a diesel. I've not convinced myself 100% that this is a good idea, but burning off nervous energy, then settling in for a measured 1hr effort might cause him to go further. Either way, it's going to be fun to be there and watch "The Fall of Frank Strack". Awesomeness that I don't have the balls to pull off myself.

40.95.

That is fucking insane. You shouldn't let him stand up for 24 hours before he tries to do this. He's going to be so fucked afterwards that he probably won't be able to ride for a considerable period of time. So, so, so fucking stupid.

I'd pick a gear in the low nineties. You won't need to accelerate it more than 3 or 4 times (after you stop. And start again, then cry and stop again) and its a gear you can roll nicely at the target speed you should shoot for. Most strong roadies can manage to push a gear that size without blowing, much taller than that and you're into sprintah territory.

Don't crash. That will get harder the longer you go. Was it the hour that someone, either Obree or Mercxk, say the hour takes years off your life?

The most pain I've been in on a bike was wheelsucking an NZ nats level rider in a 25k scratch race. I reckon you can stick a 40km average for the hour but it's going to hurt you like you just don't know.
grumbledook says:

Jun 5 2013 at 11:35 pm

Follow the recommendation here http://www.fixedgearfever.com/modules.php?name=Velodromes&op=showtrack&id=4

Poor concrete or asphalt surface: wide tires 200-250g

20 mm with 10 bars are fine for a wooden track. But on rough concrete you're better off with wider (though somewhat heavier) tubulars and less pressure.
piwakawaka says:

Jun 5 2013 at 11:53 pm

This is my recommendation, great idea, immediately thought of "our" velodrome, it's only an hour right?

I have absolutely no idea, 38.250
Chris says:

Jun 6 2013 at 2:25 am

@G'rilla

Just to average out these guesses, I'm going to predict some kind of mechanical or mental wig-out and a DNF.

You can't just say DNF, you've got pick a time too. I reckon there's a point around about 40 minute mark when the the little voices in the dark corners of his mind won't be whispering that he can't sustain his current effort for another 20 minutes, they'll be screaming.

I reckon he's dumb enough to pull through though. A heart breaking 39.99 that'll result in accusations of the clock being stopped early and the unedifying sight of an exhausted @frank chasing @scaler911 out of the velodrome on foot.
Chris says:

Jun 6 2013 at 2:33 am

@motor city

Good Luck Frank. Its too late to help, but I heartily recommend this book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Hour-Michael-Hutchinson/dp/0224075209

It's an account of Michael Hutchinson's hour attempt but it also gives a great history of the hour record over the years. Its really well written and funny.

After reading it I fancied trying an hour for my own entertainment but after a few trial runs at the local outdoor velodrome I realised that it wasn't for me. I think you really need to be an experienced 40 KM time trialler and be able to ride a track bike well to give it a good shot. I'm neither of those things.

I'll open the bidding for predictions - I think you'll complete this ride in exactly 60 minutes.

I might have to put that on the list of books to read. whilst we're on the subject of British Time Trialers having a crack at track records, this is an interesting read about Ian Cammish's attempt at Graeme Obree's amateur records.
Chris says:

Jun 6 2013 at 2:44 am

@scaler911 Can you pop one of the new Garmins into his jersey pocket (I'm assuming this being done in full V-Kit in the spirit of Merckx and not a skinsuit) and make sure it's transmitting HR, cadence, speed and position so we can all enjoy his suffering globally.
ten B says:

Jun 6 2013 at 2:47 am

Based on your volcano climb power output on Strava, and the speed/power app thingy on my iPad, my bid is 37.3km. Sterkte!