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Festum Prophetae: The Impossible Hour

Frank on the track in Gent. 2 minutes sucked enough, why an Hour? Photo: @brettok

Update: You can watch the live stream (assuming it works from the velodrome) on the Velominati channel at USTREAM. When you log in, you’ll first see my little test video of my puppy eating grass. Please disregard me yelling at it. That never happened.

I have always considered myself to have a good imagination, something I attribute half to my genetics, half to my upbringing, and half to Lego. Despite this supposed creativity of mine, I am utterly incapable of conceiving how much I will suffer on Festum Prophetae. It might be that I’m too much of an optimist, but more likely is the explanation my darling VMH gives: I’m an idiot.

An example that comes to mind prominently would be my trilogy of efforts up Haleakala. I too easily forget the suffering, despite the videos and photos that speak quite plainly on the subject. And that actually happened. I experienced it. Still, the pain fades quickly and right now I feel like having another go.

I also rode a one kilometer Pursuit on the track in Gent on Keepers Tour (twice). Just the kind of good, non-competitive fun that lets you go so hard you suffer minor convulsions afterwards. Granted, a one-kilometer effort is about the worst event you can imagine for an old diesel like me, who doesn’t start heaping coals on the fire until I’ve been in the saddle for a good number of hours. Two minutes nearly killed me, so I should try doing the same thing for three orders of magnitude longer. (Pedant alert: The times were well under two minutes but that makes the math much more complicated and the suffering no less significant.)

The Hour Record has fascinated me more than any other event. I read about the records set by Coppi, Merckx, and Moser, but missed experiencing them in real time (Steep Hill.tv didn’t exist yet, and also I wasn’t alive for two of those.) I was, however, lucky enough to live through the Hour Record’s Golden Age in the 90’s when the widespread use of EPO and the wholesale negligence of the UCI meant frame builders were at liberty to design whatever speedy abomination they wished, and riders were willing to saddle up and lay the hammer down ad infinitum. Lets see who’s blood vessels pop first!

The doping is exaggerated; Boardman might have been clean and was probably just stupid. Obree was definitely clean and certainly stupid. Indurain was definitely doped, definitely not stupid. Rominger was dirty as a Wall Street Mortgage Broker, and a semi-genius. The game was afoot, and back and forth they went: New record! Record falls…New record! Record falls…It was fantastic. In my memory, I was much more enamored with the Hour than I was with the Tour.

I had the ambition to honor last year’s Festum with an Hour Ride (I won’t call it a Record), but factors outside my control (last minute panic to organize time on a track after leaving it too late) conspired against the effort. This year, I planned ahead a bit more.

In honor of what I consider to be the standard-setting Hour Record by The Prophet on what amounted to little more than standard track equipment at the time – not to mention, without the aid of genetics-altering drugs – I will be flogging my guts out for 60 minutes on the Alpenrose Track at 3pm on Saturday, June 15. Mark at Veloforma will be loaning me a Pista Pro for the ride, seeing as I have no track bike (or experience to speak of).

Anyone who wishes to come see a tall fat guy ride a bike badly for 60 minutes is welcome to come down and watch. I understand @scaler911 will be documenting the event. There is even a rumored appearance of my VMH who is a bit of a Snuffleupagus around these parts. If she attends, I will have her fill the role of Ole Ritter’s wife in The Impossible Hour and step forward for every lap I’m ahead of schedule and step backward for every lap that I’m behind schedule. She’s a strong woman not accustomed to walking backwards, but I’m sure she’ll do fine.

Merry Festum Prophetae, one and all. Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

frank says:

Jun 6 2013 at 12:32 pm

@Buck Rogers

@wiscot

@Buck Rogers So what does the winner get? A badge? Frank's sweaty V socks?

Frank's socks are bound for The V Cycling Hall of Fame, I believe (I just made that shit up but it sounds good, no?)

I think Frank mentioned a V pint to the winner but I am in it just to add pressure onto Frank with everyone picking him over 40 k's for the hour. FUCK! Glad it is not me doing it!

Correct - a V-Pint. I will either make a custom one as a prize or send a standard one to the winner. Depending on how happy I am with my time, I may or may not lick the pint first.
frank says:

Jun 6 2013 at 1:07 pm

@ChrisO

I'm surprised at all the estimates below 40km.

I can do a steady hour at 38km in training - that's an average output of around 240W and wouldn't really be getting above 85% for the most part. And I'm about the same height and weight as Frank.

His average on Haleakala was 227W, but that's over three and a half hours. If you lose 10-15% per hour then for an hour in a controlled environment he should be around 280-300W.

Allowing for unfamiliarity on track and bike, I reckon his lower end target should be about 41.8 and the upper 45.6 so I'll pitch it in between at 43.7km.

If it's under 40km then it would be better to just tell us you had a mechanical.

Very scientific and ignoring the fact that the small track is slower and a fixed wheel more exhausting, your logic in transferring a road ride in the middle east to a track in the PNW is flawless.

Seriously, though, I thought those Strava watts were wild guesses when you don't have a power meter?

We will see next week whether I have a mechanical. It could be my RD gets stuck in my spokes or something.

@Nate

@scaler911 That is a colossally dumb idea. As such, I fully endorse it.

Brilliant.

@scaler911

I've given it more thought. No fucking way.
frank says:

Jun 6 2013 at 1:08 pm

@Dan_R

Hey, what's the reasoning behind the toe clip strap over the shoe and onto the clipless pedal? Just to make sure I am properly fucked if I crash?
xyxax says:

Jun 6 2013 at 1:24 pm

@frank

Would this suggest that my belief that, south of the equator, track cyclists circle in the opposite direction might also be flawed?
scaler911 says:

Jun 6 2013 at 1:24 pm

@frank

@Dan_R

Hey, what's the reasoning behind the toe clip strap over the shoe and onto the clipless pedal? Just to make sure I am properly fucked if I crash?

Because fixed gear bikes are way easier to unclip from since you never coast. And besides, you need to have the actual bike attached to you during the last 5min when you're crawling on your elbows through your spit and vomit, getting the last couple metres in.
Steampunk says:

Jun 6 2013 at 1:55 pm

40.73k
ChrisO says:

Jun 6 2013 at 1:55 pm

@Frank Well I will find out for sure next week when I get a power meter - but, people I ride with who have them reckon the average seems good. At any given point it may be a wild guess but over a period of time it seems to get it right.

And as they say in the training books - watts are watts, uphill, downhill, Dubai or Des Moines.

What gearing are you going to use ... Or should that not be asked ?
ten B says:

Jun 6 2013 at 2:05 pm

@frank

Seriously, though, I thought those Strava watts were wild guesses when you don't have a power meter?

Power/speed calculator app is really a wild guess too, so they should cancel each other out and give absolute accuracy.
G'rilla says:

Jun 6 2013 at 2:05 pm

@xyxax

@frank

Would this suggest that my belief that, south of the equator, track cyclists circle in the opposite direction might also be flawed?

Interesting that you mention that. I'm planning to ride the hour record on the same day, at the same time, on the same track. But in the opposite direction.
xyxax says:

Jun 6 2013 at 2:21 pm

@G'rilla

@xyxax

@frank

Would this suggest that my belief that, south of the equator, track cyclists circle in the opposite direction might also be flawed?

Interesting that you mention that. I'm planning to ride the hour record on the same day, at the same time, on the same track. But in the opposite direction.

oooh, G'rilla vs. The Dutch Monkey in "Death Match III, When Hours Collide"