Festum Prophetae: The Impossible Hour
Update: You can watch the live stream (assuming it works from the velodrome) on the Velominati channel at USTREAM. When you log in, you’ll first see my little test video of my puppy eating grass. Please disregard me yelling at it. That never happened.
I have always considered myself to have a good imagination, something I attribute half to my genetics, half to my upbringing, and half to Lego. Despite this supposed creativity of mine, I am utterly incapable of conceiving how much I will suffer on Festum Prophetae. It might be that I’m too much of an optimist, but more likely is the explanation my darling VMH gives: I’m an idiot.
An example that comes to mind prominently would be my trilogy of efforts up Haleakala. I too easily forget the suffering, despite the videos and photos that speak quite plainly on the subject. And that actually happened. I experienced it. Still, the pain fades quickly and right now I feel like having another go.
I also rode a one kilometer Pursuit on the track in Gent on Keepers Tour (twice). Just the kind of good, non-competitive fun that lets you go so hard you suffer minor convulsions afterwards. Granted, a one-kilometer effort is about the worst event you can imagine for an old diesel like me, who doesn’t start heaping coals on the fire until I’ve been in the saddle for a good number of hours. Two minutes nearly killed me, so I should try doing the same thing for three orders of magnitude longer. (Pedant alert: The times were well under two minutes but that makes the math much more complicated and the suffering no less significant.)
The Hour Record has fascinated me more than any other event. I read about the records set by Coppi, Merckx, and Moser, but missed experiencing them in real time (Steep Hill.tv didn’t exist yet, and also I wasn’t alive for two of those.) I was, however, lucky enough to live through the Hour Record’s Golden Age in the 90’s when the widespread use of EPO and the wholesale negligence of the UCI meant frame builders were at liberty to design whatever speedy abomination they wished, and riders were willing to saddle up and lay the hammer down ad infinitum. Lets see who’s blood vessels pop first!
The doping is exaggerated; Boardman might have been clean and was probably just stupid. Obree was definitely clean and certainly stupid. Indurain was definitely doped, definitely not stupid. Rominger was dirty as a Wall Street Mortgage Broker, and a semi-genius. The game was afoot, and back and forth they went: New record! Record falls…New record! Record falls…It was fantastic. In my memory, I was much more enamored with the Hour than I was with the Tour.
I had the ambition to honor last year’s Festum with an Hour Ride (I won’t call it a Record), but factors outside my control (last minute panic to organize time on a track after leaving it too late) conspired against the effort. This year, I planned ahead a bit more.
In honor of what I consider to be the standard-setting Hour Record by The Prophet on what amounted to little more than standard track equipment at the time – not to mention, without the aid of genetics-altering drugs – I will be flogging my guts out for 60 minutes on the Alpenrose Track at 3pm on Saturday, June 15. Mark at Veloforma will be loaning me a Pista Pro for the ride, seeing as I have no track bike (or experience to speak of).
Anyone who wishes to come see a tall fat guy ride a bike badly for 60 minutes is welcome to come down and watch. I understand @scaler911 will be documenting the event. There is even a rumored appearance of my VMH who is a bit of a Snuffleupagus around these parts. If she attends, I will have her fill the role of Ole Ritter’s wife in The Impossible Hour and step forward for every lap I’m ahead of schedule and step backward for every lap that I’m behind schedule. She’s a strong woman not accustomed to walking backwards, but I’m sure she’ll do fine.
Merry Festum Prophetae, one and all. Vive la Vie Velominatus.
That looks like an ISP on the Pista Pro? Are they building one from scratch for you? 44.64438 km for the track record. You’ll be fine! I’ll be celebrating Festum Prophetae as a marshal at the Circuit of the Fens, a local Elite level race on the 16th. I’ve got a spot at the sprint prime to keep the Velominippers amused.
Given that you aren’t attempting to set a new Hour Record, what’s the expected distance you hope to suffer gloriously toward?
1. Are you riding a road bike on the velodrome in that picture? If so, that’s a paddling. Mind you I’m just as guilty as I poached the Vélodrome Jacques-Anquetil and the Palais des Sports in Grenoble when I was in France.
2. A full hour on a track bike, non stop is a lofty goal at any speed. Nothing I’d want to do. Few things will sort you out faster than riding and racing track though. And riding track is a total blast. I’ve never experienced such a pure form of speed. Diving into a 47 degree corner at 50km/hr, struggling to keep your bike on the sprinter’s line and the guns at 110rpm is just a glorious sensation that cannot be rivaled.
Ya I’ll be there. And Mrs Scaler will too, yelling obscenities at you (motivational type stuff like “why are you slowing down you pussy!!”). It’s going to be awesome!
Are you going to go for your age group record?
http://www.uci.ch/templates/UCI/UCI1/layout.asp?MenuId=MTI2NTQ
I think I’ll wait until I’m 100 and try to beat the 24.251KM record that was set last year
Good Luck Frank. Its too late to help, but I heartily recommend this book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Hour-Michael-Hutchinson/dp/0224075209
It’s an account of Michael Hutchinson’s hour attempt but it also gives a great history of the hour record over the years. Its really well written and funny.
After reading it I fancied trying an hour for my own entertainment but after a few trial runs at the local outdoor velodrome I realised that it wasn’t for me. I think you really need to be an experienced 40 KM time trialler and be able to ride a track bike well to give it a good shot. I’m neither of those things.
I’ll open the bidding for predictions – I think you’ll complete this ride in exactly 60 minutes.
This is going to be AWESOME!!!
Mini-VSP for closest to your actual distance?
I have NO IDEA how far any fit cyclist can go on a track bike on a velodrome. Let’s see, no hills, no outside wind resistance
I will guess that you are pretty fit but lack track experience but can hold on for: 38.42 km’s!
I hope that is not insulting b/c it is not meant to be but I have no idea how far you’ll make it.
But one thing is for certain: Scaler better get the picks of you blowing chunks at the finish!
@Buck Rogers
+1!!
While I may be giving away a secret if there is a mini-VSP, Alpenrose is a very short, very steep track. Typically times are slower on it because of that. People tend not to pedal quite as hard on the corners as on the straights, and that’s reflected there.
I reckon you’ll hack north of 40kms
That’s funny, I learned how to jump doubles at the Alpenrose BMX track (right next to the velodrome).
@Buck Rogers
Ok, Buck, you jackass. You just volunteered for managing the guesses. I’ll even offer up a free V-Pint for whoever gets closest.
Bastard.
@TBONE
The only time I’ve ever ridden a road bike on a track was in Roubaix.
@Chris
Seattle’s velodrome record is only 43.49. This makes it even more important for Frank to beat the record, then come back to Seattle and beat it here, too.
http://blog.seattlepi.com/velocity/2011/07/07/stewart-bowmer-2nd-attempt-masters-1-hour-world-record/
Ok 40.9 kms it is then – case of Rasberry Leffe straight from France if you get over 45 kms
Dammit, out of town camping that weekend! I’ll just have to have @scaler911 yell double the obscenities in order to make up for my absence.
38.16km
My vote is for 39km in one hour.
Good on ya, Frank.
This Saturday I plan to go on a gentlemanly solo cruise for a few hours, then come back to celebrate at a going-away party for my housemate, Chris. He’s leaving for a few months, flying all the way west and then riding back to NC. This will be his second time cross the U.S.
And…can’t believe it is almost that time of year again. The Prophet will be a year older, his son is now a tri-er, and I’ll have been married for one year. Not bad. When I told my VMH that I’d obviously have to ride on the 17th she said, “If I’d have known it was Merckx’s birthday I’d have changed the wedding date.”
Ha, good first year though. We moved into a new place and as soon as I gather the funds I’ll be building a proper bike shed. Good thing, I’m getting tired of storing them in one cramped room, plus off-site at parents and friend’s houses.
My guess is 41.4km
@frank You do realize that you’ve just made the least computer savvy guy on the internet the guy in charge of getting the picks set, right???
Suppose it serves me right.
Okay, obviously all picks have to be in kilometers and they need to be in by 3 pm PST (6 pm EST–fuck all knows what time for Europe/Down Under/elsewhere like Canada).
I started it all off with a distance guess of 38.42 but who the fuck knows. Frahnk could go > 40 or less than 32 if he blows.
And I am in the same boat as you Frahnk where the only time I have ridden a road bike, or any bike, on a track was at Roubaix. This should be SO MUCH FUN! Scaler: Any chance of video???
At a cursory glance it looks as if you’re riding a road bike. Roubaix is the only acceptable place to ride a road bike on the track, provided it is proceeded with a shower underneath said velodrome.
@Ron
A tri-friend of mine added Axel on the Facebooks and told Axel how disappointed I was to see him racing triathlons. His response? ‘silly roadies’. I cannot believe I put on the Telekom kit and road with Axel, and then let him touch me. I feel so defiled and used.
On the 14th of June I’ll be doing this: http://www.kcibr.org/.
At the risk of seeming pedantic, but out of a greater need to show respect to Mr. Merckx, I would like to humbly point out that the link to Festum Prophetae in the first paragraph lists his birthday as June 16 instead of June 17… not that I am opposed to making it a two day celebration!
@frank Graeme Obree has just suggested that the best way to go fast is to buy a washing machine – I’ve passed his note on to you
I wish I could be there to hurl malted recovery induced obscenities….errr I mean encouragement! No idea on a distance so @Buck put me down for 39.7km’s. If @frank cracks the track record I will throw in a case of deliciousness from my chocolate factory (that will slow you down for for sure!).
41.295 kms
Hopefully scaler911’s video will look something like this…
@Buck Rogers
Cross your fingers. Plans are being made, but no guarantees.
@Buck Rogers
That is the plan. Hopefully the Dutch Monkey brings one (and like you and computers, I’m the least qualified videographer on the site). I’ll get photos too.
@scaler911
Excellent!
On a side note: I’ll try to post a list of distances and names once a day, some random point whenever I get around to it. This is going to be a long foookin 10 days tracking this shit! (nothing makes you appreciate a VSP event like having to try to help on one!)
Are Scaler’s documentary efforts being done as repentance for posting the Prancercize video? A means of getting back into Frank’s good books? For posting that, he should be his soigneur for the day!
Ill say he goes for 38.1. Best of luck mate.
The track is the place to fine tune bunch riding and bike handling and once you get that rear wheel up to speed it’s sweet. An hour is not somehing I would fancy though. I think 40k+ is achievable as long as you don’t start too fast. What gear you riding on? Standard track bike fit of 48 x 15 too low, if you’re a diesel can I suggest 50 x 14T or bigger?
my guess 40.774km
Since Alpenrose is an open-air concrete track, my guess is he will end up with sub 40 km, i.e. 39.37 km, which would still be pretty good. (May I assume the distance is evaluated by counting laps and not by a device mounted on the bike?)
@RedRanger
I’ll go for 38.2.
Also, to quote the COTHO’s old squeeze, “apropos of nothing”, please raise a glass tonight and say a prayer if so inclined to a good buddy of mine and a hell of a guy who was killed in Afghanistan on Sunday, WO1 Sean Mullen. The world is worse off without you, Brother. RIP.
Mmmm… 40.47 km. dont forget to slap a V decal on the top tube before u start… You’ll need the inspiration!
@Ron
Now that’s a woman with a keen sense of perspective! Sounds like a keeper. (I’m assuming she wasn’t being sarcastic?)
Good luck Frank. Your claims of old and fat are, as we know (and have seen) utter bullshit. I’m going to estimate 43.5kms.
@HigherGround
JAYSUS! How did THAT slip through the fact-checking committee? Oh, right, I was hammered and we have no such committee. Thanks. Corrected.
@wiscot
Nah. I’m DS’ing this to observe the slow decent into the pits of hell. And the post ride rehydration efforts. He and I are pretty well matched in that department.
@Buck Rogers
Yes. I suggest you write a piece of buggy software to manage it for you. At least, that would be my approach. Or you can put it in a spreadsheet. Or write them on a sheet of paper. Or keep track of it by adding posts with everyone’s guess in it. Or you can learn you lesson and stop making these kinds of suggestions!
37.75 kms.
If @scaler cleans up the chunks you blow at the end I’ll forgive him Prancercize.
@Buck Rogers
Here, here. My condolences.
@scaler911
I was hoping you would treat us all to an hour of hula hooping.
@Buck Rogers
Will Price is Right rules be into effect? Meaning that the person closest to the actual retail kilometers performed without going over wins? Please spay and neuter your pets.
Also, I demand a piss test.
A piss test?
Yes, a piss test.
@the Engine
That’s pretty cool, dude.
By the sound of you’re complete lack of self belief @Frank, your VMH had better be more adept at reversing than an Italian Worlld War 2 General!
Good luck @frank !! Just think of it as if you were going up Haleakala… except you’re on a track bike on a level velodrome…
Merckx said it was the hardest effort he had ever done but that might have been down to his position on the bike; Boardman had the same problem when he did the athlete’s hour so try using aero bars, you’ll get extra speed too!
Channel the V and try and use the diesel powers to rip through the last few km, but anways, I guess:
38.79km
@TBONE it’s always price it right rules.
@TBONE Hell no! If you guess over it just means that you had too much faith in Frahnk, but you should not be punished for it, it’s not your fault. Obviously it will be Frahnk’s fault as he did not go hard enough!
Closest to the actual distance, over or under, wins it.
It’s good to be the king.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuMQjKiaDTg
@RedRanger
Nope! See post above.
Man, I love this shit!