Festum Prophetae: The Impossible Hour
Update: You can watch the live stream (assuming it works from the velodrome) on the Velominati channel at USTREAM. When you log in, you’ll first see my little test video of my puppy eating grass. Please disregard me yelling at it. That never happened.
I have always considered myself to have a good imagination, something I attribute half to my genetics, half to my upbringing, and half to Lego. Despite this supposed creativity of mine, I am utterly incapable of conceiving how much I will suffer on Festum Prophetae. It might be that I’m too much of an optimist, but more likely is the explanation my darling VMH gives: I’m an idiot.
An example that comes to mind prominently would be my trilogy of efforts up Haleakala. I too easily forget the suffering, despite the videos and photos that speak quite plainly on the subject. And that actually happened. I experienced it. Still, the pain fades quickly and right now I feel like having another go.
I also rode a one kilometer Pursuit on the track in Gent on Keepers Tour (twice). Just the kind of good, non-competitive fun that lets you go so hard you suffer minor convulsions afterwards. Granted, a one-kilometer effort is about the worst event you can imagine for an old diesel like me, who doesn’t start heaping coals on the fire until I’ve been in the saddle for a good number of hours. Two minutes nearly killed me, so I should try doing the same thing for three orders of magnitude longer. (Pedant alert: The times were well under two minutes but that makes the math much more complicated and the suffering no less significant.)
The Hour Record has fascinated me more than any other event. I read about the records set by Coppi, Merckx, and Moser, but missed experiencing them in real time (Steep Hill.tv didn’t exist yet, and also I wasn’t alive for two of those.) I was, however, lucky enough to live through the Hour Record’s Golden Age in the 90’s when the widespread use of EPO and the wholesale negligence of the UCI meant frame builders were at liberty to design whatever speedy abomination they wished, and riders were willing to saddle up and lay the hammer down ad infinitum. Lets see who’s blood vessels pop first!
The doping is exaggerated; Boardman might have been clean and was probably just stupid. Obree was definitely clean and certainly stupid. Indurain was definitely doped, definitely not stupid. Rominger was dirty as a Wall Street Mortgage Broker, and a semi-genius. The game was afoot, and back and forth they went: New record! Record falls…New record! Record falls…It was fantastic. In my memory, I was much more enamored with the Hour than I was with the Tour.
I had the ambition to honor last year’s Festum with an Hour Ride (I won’t call it a Record), but factors outside my control (last minute panic to organize time on a track after leaving it too late) conspired against the effort. This year, I planned ahead a bit more.
In honor of what I consider to be the standard-setting Hour Record by The Prophet on what amounted to little more than standard track equipment at the time – not to mention, without the aid of genetics-altering drugs – I will be flogging my guts out for 60 minutes on the Alpenrose Track at 3pm on Saturday, June 15. Mark at Veloforma will be loaning me a Pista Pro for the ride, seeing as I have no track bike (or experience to speak of).
Anyone who wishes to come see a tall fat guy ride a bike badly for 60 minutes is welcome to come down and watch. I understand @scaler911 will be documenting the event. There is even a rumored appearance of my VMH who is a bit of a Snuffleupagus around these parts. If she attends, I will have her fill the role of Ole Ritter’s wife in The Impossible Hour and step forward for every lap I’m ahead of schedule and step backward for every lap that I’m behind schedule. She’s a strong woman not accustomed to walking backwards, but I’m sure she’ll do fine.
Merry Festum Prophetae, one and all. Vive la Vie Velominatus.
I stand corrected
@Buck Rogers
Everything I know about betting, times and such has just been shattered.
Aaron Paul is disappoint. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMtR6KViyeU
@TBONE
Wrong link, sorry. Double plus sorry for TMZ. http://www.tmz.com/videos/0_x8418jqn/
I’ll say 37.9895 km.
@scaler911
Careful though, too much rehydration might lead to spontaneous Prancercizing! (Oh, the $$ this site could raise to see Frank prancercize in white lycra while lip-synching to Call me Maybe . . . .)
Volle bak Frank! All the best and support from Holland! We dutch still have two world hour records: derny and female. Think you can beat Leontien? Good luck man!
Given that even I can do about 25 k in an hour, on the road, I say 37.5.
Should the educated guesses not be kept secret from fronk, in order to avoid fixing?
Name
Distance
buck rogers
38.42
Engine
40.9
strathlubnaig
38.16
mcsqueak
39
midlife-cyclist
41.4
Tobin
39.7
mlambert1us
41.295
RedRanger
38.1
JohnB
40.774
grumbledook
39.37
TBONE
38.2
El Mateo
40.47
wiscot
43.5
Nate
37.75
Smith
38.79
lordmoos3
37.9895
This is what I have so far. I will update again tomorrow afternoon.
One point to note: In the case where a tie occurs between someone with 38.42 and another person with 38.423 when the actual distance was 38.4, the win will go to whoever (whomever?) posted their distance first. But if it was actually 38.423 then the exact distance poster obviously wins. Tracking? I am not sure how many decimal points Frank is planning on going out but try not to duplicate a distance down to the 100th of a kilometer.
@the-farmer just added you to the spreadsheet. You’ll be in the list tomorrow.
@frank Holy Franktard! Are you completely retarded? You have no comprehension of the surreal experience you are about to …er.. experience. My only word of advice – NO aerobars, by Merckx! OK, second work of advice, go big up front with a 52-53 and a little more conservative in the back (I will leave that to you if you go with a 53). If you had made this public earlier, or maybe had let a little birdy out, you may have had a set of custom track wheels to go with the sweet Veloforma.
I am in for 42.336km based on it being an outdoor concrete ‘drome. If the wind comes up that day, say good by to the rest of season…
All that is holy…
@Cyclops
We have the Bond and the RB1K for test rides. STDs not included, you have to earn them!
The winning number is: 40.05, with vomit.
38.7 – the ONLY way to measure it is via tge track itself. Otherwise you get “rewarded” when you start not being able to hold your line through the turns, especially late in the hour when you are fucked. The pain the pain. Shame you aren’t riding a pursuit bike – just to hear about the pain you endured trying to hold your position.
Even though you will be measuring it by the track (if not, you are bigger cunt than I already think) can you please do something like put a Garmin in your back pocket?
.. I want to see what happens to your speed near the end
And put your little sultanas on the line and tell us the time you are going for?
@Frank – Wow! You’re quite brave just to try it. What a fitting tribute to the Prophet. My guess is 37,90 kms, but I’ll bring you a bottle of nice Rioja when I see you next if you break 40km!
@Buck Rogers
What if Frank goes 41.2km and we have two entries of 41.1 and 41.3km, respectively? Who would win? Bob Barker knows who the victor would be.
@TBONE your call about no road bikes on tracks would get you beaten up in Australia. We have the most velodromes of any country in theworld (disclaimer: I made this up). Our outdoor tracks get used by many on road bikes (and even triathletes -gasp!) – they are a great place to do intervalsoven if you ain’t a trackie.
@Buck Rogers
My condolences man, I’ll raise a glass tonight. Then I’ll raise another one for your time keeping mission here.
@frank
Just the right amount of dumb, I’m thinking. It’s too bad you don’t have some practice time with that bike a few days before to get aero. It’s all about getting aero and suffering like a beast. I would advise not doing this hungover. You da Man!
@Marcus
Heretics, every last one of you. I’m riding out the the Burnaby Velodrome tonight as the VMH has the steezy whip. I’ll get funny looks just for hanging my Cinelli on the bike racks in the infield and switching to the Pista.
Triathletes, riding their TT bikes on a velodrome. What a sight that must be. How big are your tracks, anyways?
Concrete, outdoors, : 37.5 km. Ik wens je veel succes
@Marcus
I’m shooting for 60 minutes exactly, although the Theory of Relativity indicates I’ll be riding slightly less than 60 minutes and the audience will be watching for exactly 60 minutes.
Haven’t I already put my sultanas on the line by subjecting myself to this in the first place. Let alone, subjecting myself to this as publicly as I am?
Besides, it is customary in these events for me to withhold my private goal until after the effort. Partly because I want to keep it private, and partly because I don’t want to lead anyone with hinting at what I think I’m capable of. Which I honestly don’t know, because I have no idea how much slower I’ll go on the track.
@the-farmer
Your scenario makes both of us a douchebag.
@frank
Will you have relatives in the audience?
@Dan_R
Special wheels? Oh…
@Buck Rogers
Put me down for a 41.6km. Hmmm outdoor, wind?
@frank
What gear you winding up? 56 x 11?
Merry Festum Prophetae!
Frank, you have the strength of ten men.
May the Prophet be with you and the V impower you !
40.25km
@Buck Rogers
Condolences mate, must be a scenario you have to deal with on too many occasions.
@frank
You are a big, dumb Dutchy, and that’s why I love ya. But I’ve seen you ride on the track, and anyone slower than me is in for a hard time of it for an hour!
My only advice (speaking from massive inexperience) is start slow, finish fast. Or slower. Or crippled with pain.
Good luck mate. 36.666
Just to average out these guesses, I’m going to predict some kind of mechanical or mental wig-out and a DNF.
Or maybe that he’ll get lost partway through. Yeah.
@G’rilla
Never happen. I’ll duct tape him to his bike, and he knows that I’ll post the video regardless of wether he finishes or not. Embarrassment is a powerful tool.
Not to overshadow our man Frank, but I participated in a fundraising relay “race” last weekend. Teams of four, two running legs, one swimming, one cycling. The VMH’s design firm entered a team and she committed me to taking part. Only 15 km…but you had to consume food before riding (which sucked, not only because it was darn heavy but because it was really great food from excellent local restaurants that you had to speed-eat). Rode well, which was nice. Thought this photo was similar to the lead photo. A neighbor/friend shoots for the local newspaper, took this one and it also ran. I think he got a pretty good shot. (the green tape was our “costume”; we had to wear an arm bad, which was the “baton” and forgive the WC mitts – I like plain kit but needed some flair)
I’m thinking that similar to his first effort up the volcano the Dutch Monkey will go out hard & then be hanging on for dear life at the end…
36.85km
Best of luck you bloody idiot.
This is hard to do, but someone has to low-ball the poor bastard. Frank, may the Prophet be with you, and go kick my ass!
35.0 km.
Crazy. May the prophet be with you.
I’m down for 38.910
Man, this is great. Potential for very public heroism (he’s already a velomihero – is that a sandwich?) or embarrassment. My money’s on the former.
38.123 km
This will not be easy. May the wind travel in ovals and always be at your back, Frank.
-cal
@frank yes, i deserved that. But i reckon that time might become a rather fluid concept for you in the latter stages. You may feel that time has indeed slowed down.
Good luck – 38.47
I’ll have me a piece of this action, I reckon he’ll crack out a total of 37.43km
I am so impressed that you have stepped up Frank! This is such a crap shoot cause we have no markers to judge your form… Are you 40+kph fit or fat and happy in a post ” volcano ” slump?
I am not going to judge and go for over excited/ windy/ blow up at the end – 37.4
Good luck!
Next year I will step up and have a go on the Miami Track.
Here’s the question of the moment for me. The original plan was for him to come to PDX late Saturday morning, get to the track, practice a bit, then do his thing. I’d be there to document, yell encouraging obscenities, then get drunk.
There’s a fantastic ride that I try and do every year up the Gorge (lot’s a climbing) with some fantastic folk I work with that goes the very same morning. It gets competitive, but the pace is not “race pace” by any stretch.
I may have convinced him to come do this ride in the morning, finishing with time to eat, rest and get to the track.
He’s a diesel. I’ve not convinced myself 100% that this is a good idea, but burning off nervous energy, then settling in for a measured 1hr effort might cause him to go further. Either way, it’s going to be fun to be there and watch “The Fall of Frank Strack“. Awesomeness that I don’t have the balls to pull off myself.
40.95.
Cheering section for @Frank?
That Veloforma Pista is fucking awesome, if a bit modern for the Athlete’s Hour. Can you get it before the day, or have you been training on a fixed gear? I know you never stop pedalling on the geared bike, but it’s not quite the same.
Put me down for 38.56. Or rather, put @frank down for 38.56, just to make it clear that I do not intend to attempt anything similar to this under any circumstances, ever. Good luck!
@scaler911
That is fucking insane. You shouldn’t let him stand up for 24 hours before he tries to do this. He’s going to be so fucked afterwards that he probably won’t be able to ride for a considerable period of time. So, so, so fucking stupid.
I’d pick a gear in the low nineties. You won’t need to accelerate it more than 3 or 4 times (after you stop. And start again, then cry and stop again) and its a gear you can roll nicely at the target speed you should shoot for. Most strong roadies can manage to push a gear that size without blowing, much taller than that and you’re into sprintah territory.
Don’t crash. That will get harder the longer you go. Was it the hour that someone, either Obree or Mercxk, say the hour takes years off your life?
The most pain I’ve been in on a bike was wheelsucking an NZ nats level rider in a 25k scratch race. I reckon you can stick a 40km average for the hour but it’s going to hurt you like you just don’t know.
Follow the recommendation here http://www.fixedgearfever.com/modules.php?name=Velodromes&op=showtrack&id=4
Poor concrete or asphalt surface: wide tires 200-250g
20 mm with 10 bars are fine for a wooden track. But on rough concrete you’re better off with wider (though somewhat heavier) tubulars and less pressure.
This is my recommendation, great idea, immediately thought of “our” velodrome, it’s only an hour right?
I have absolutely no idea, 38.250
@G’rilla
You can’t just say DNF, you’ve got pick a time too. I reckon there’s a point around about 40 minute mark when the the little voices in the dark corners of his mind won’t be whispering that he can’t sustain his current effort for another 20 minutes, they’ll be screaming.
I reckon he’s dumb enough to pull through though. A heart breaking 39.99 that’ll result in accusations of the clock being stopped early and the unedifying sight of an exhausted @frank chasing @scaler911 out of the velodrome on foot.
@motor city
I might have to put that on the list of books to read. whilst we’re on the subject of British Time Trialers having a crack at track records, this is an interesting read about Ian Cammish’s attempt at Graeme Obree’s amateur records.
@scaler911 Can you pop one of the new Garmins into his jersey pocket (I’m assuming this being done in full V-Kit in the spirit of Merckx and not a skinsuit) and make sure it’s transmitting HR, cadence, speed and position so we can all enjoy his suffering globally.
Based on your volcano climb power output on Strava, and the speed/power app thingy on my iPad, my bid is 37.3km. Sterkte!