Festum Prophetae: The Impossible Hour
Update: You can watch the live stream (assuming it works from the velodrome) on the Velominati channel at USTREAM. When you log in, you’ll first see my little test video of my puppy eating grass. Please disregard me yelling at it. That never happened.
I have always considered myself to have a good imagination, something I attribute half to my genetics, half to my upbringing, and half to Lego. Despite this supposed creativity of mine, I am utterly incapable of conceiving how much I will suffer on Festum Prophetae. It might be that I’m too much of an optimist, but more likely is the explanation my darling VMH gives: I’m an idiot.
An example that comes to mind prominently would be my trilogy of efforts up Haleakala. I too easily forget the suffering, despite the videos and photos that speak quite plainly on the subject. And that actually happened. I experienced it. Still, the pain fades quickly and right now I feel like having another go.
I also rode a one kilometer Pursuit on the track in Gent on Keepers Tour (twice). Just the kind of good, non-competitive fun that lets you go so hard you suffer minor convulsions afterwards. Granted, a one-kilometer effort is about the worst event you can imagine for an old diesel like me, who doesn’t start heaping coals on the fire until I’ve been in the saddle for a good number of hours. Two minutes nearly killed me, so I should try doing the same thing for three orders of magnitude longer. (Pedant alert: The times were well under two minutes but that makes the math much more complicated and the suffering no less significant.)
The Hour Record has fascinated me more than any other event. I read about the records set by Coppi, Merckx, and Moser, but missed experiencing them in real time (Steep Hill.tv didn’t exist yet, and also I wasn’t alive for two of those.) I was, however, lucky enough to live through the Hour Record’s Golden Age in the 90’s when the widespread use of EPO and the wholesale negligence of the UCI meant frame builders were at liberty to design whatever speedy abomination they wished, and riders were willing to saddle up and lay the hammer down ad infinitum. Lets see who’s blood vessels pop first!
The doping is exaggerated; Boardman might have been clean and was probably just stupid. Obree was definitely clean and certainly stupid. Indurain was definitely doped, definitely not stupid. Rominger was dirty as a Wall Street Mortgage Broker, and a semi-genius. The game was afoot, and back and forth they went: New record! Record falls…New record! Record falls…It was fantastic. In my memory, I was much more enamored with the Hour than I was with the Tour.
I had the ambition to honor last year’s Festum with an Hour Ride (I won’t call it a Record), but factors outside my control (last minute panic to organize time on a track after leaving it too late) conspired against the effort. This year, I planned ahead a bit more.
In honor of what I consider to be the standard-setting Hour Record by The Prophet on what amounted to little more than standard track equipment at the time – not to mention, without the aid of genetics-altering drugs – I will be flogging my guts out for 60 minutes on the Alpenrose Track at 3pm on Saturday, June 15. Mark at Veloforma will be loaning me a Pista Pro for the ride, seeing as I have no track bike (or experience to speak of).
Anyone who wishes to come see a tall fat guy ride a bike badly for 60 minutes is welcome to come down and watch. I understand @scaler911 will be documenting the event. There is even a rumored appearance of my VMH who is a bit of a Snuffleupagus around these parts. If she attends, I will have her fill the role of Ole Ritter’s wife in The Impossible Hour and step forward for every lap I’m ahead of schedule and step backward for every lap that I’m behind schedule. She’s a strong woman not accustomed to walking backwards, but I’m sure she’ll do fine.
Merry Festum Prophetae, one and all. Vive la Vie Velominatus.
@xyxax
I think you mean: “Sleepless in Seattle: The Longest Hour.”
@xyxax
Death Match Pursuit! Bring it on!
@G’rilla
I’m bigger, heavier, dumber, and faster. Which means I get the inside lane.
If we’re playing by Price Is Right rules (closest without going over), I’m going to say 1km, Bob. I have faith in Frank, but I like owning every number between 1 and 34.99 in case of mechanicals or cramping.
Otherwise, put me down for 37.25.
@xyxax
the coriolis effect is exactly as you have described xyaxx. I once saw cycling in Uganda on the equator and it was absolute chaos, as the cyclists had no idea which direction to go
@G’rilla
Oooooh. This is good. Feeling pink all over.
39.11
aaaaand, Go!
Back from a long lay-off…I’ll pick 41.555 Km. Good Luck Frank.
For extra excitement, we’ll be gaffer’s taping a wagyu filet to Frank’s back and unleashing a falcon in the stadium:
http://m.pinkbike.com/news/MUST-WATCH-Gee-Atherton-gets-hunted-by-a-Falcon.html
@G’rilla Getting swooped by magpies in Oz pales into insignificance with getting swooped by that lil’ beasty. Chapeau to him for staying on line whilst that thing is after him….
However can you wrangle up a bald eagle?
@ Buck Rogers Put me in for 35.55
The enthusiasm and all the KM guessing is excellent entertainment. I’m pumped at what is going on in my cycling community next weekend!
@asyax
Contrary to popular belief, the glorious Bald Eagle are nearly as plentiful as seagulls in the NW. Probably not really hard to get one if you’re really into falconry.
@scaler911
Yes. Bald Eagles are actually large crows in formal wear.
Change the word “Love” to “All y’alls Naysayers” and this is my message to you. Ignorance is bliss; I’ve riden a bike for hundreds of hours and what could one more hour hurt?
P.S. I’m straight but have a major boner for Jack White. And the one band he has that isn’t dudes.
@Tinman
That’s hilarious. What were you doing in Uganda? I spent a lifetime there one year.
@Bespoke
Who else discovered lust in watching I Dream of Jeanie as a lad?
@Steampunk
Meg Ryan romcom, the only thing more difficult to endure than doing The Hour.
For me a 40.01
@xyxax
Ohhhhh, most definitely. That show was 1960’s Viagra in a Genie bottle, BABY!
Alright, today’s updated picks through comment #168. I am headed out for the weekend for an Avitt Brothers/Old Crow Medicine Show concert and will not have access again until Monday. It is upon you to make sure that you do not pick a distance that has already been picked. If you do and someone else already has picked it and Frank rides that distance, don’t come bitch’in to me.
On that note: Spun Up, you have picked a distance that is the same as an earlier picked distance out to the 100th of a kilometer. Unless Frank gives his distance out the the thousandth of a kilometer (which he could do-that would be to the exact meter of distance) you will lose out. Just saying.
Name
Distance
buck rogers
38.42
Engine
40.9
strathlubnaig
38.16
mcsqueak
39
midlife-cyclist
41.4
Tobin
39.7
mlambert1us
41.295
RedRanger
38.1
JohnB
40.774
grumbledook
39.37
TBONE
38.2
El Mateo
40.47
wiscot
43.5
Nate
37.75
Smith
38.79
lordmoos3
37.9895
the-farmer
37.5
Dan_R
42.336
itburns
40.05
Marcus
38.7
Skip
37.9
Jamie
37.5
sthilzy
41.6
Don Amedo
40.25
Brett
36.666
G’rilla
DNF
Mikael Liddy
36.85
V-olcano
35
titirangisi
38.91
cal
38.123
il ciclista medio
38.47
Giles
37.43
Rob
37.4
scaler911
40.95
BarTapeMummy
38.56
minion
40
piwakawaka
38.25
Chris
39.99
ten B
37.3
ChrisO
43.7
anotherdownunder
42
ErikdR
40.4
motor city
40.55
seemunkee
40.9
freddy
41.35
actor1
37.256
Nero
40.35
xyxax
42.23
Steampunk
40.73
Spun Up
37.25
mouse
39.11
niksch
41.555
Russ
35.55
Andrian
40.01
@xyxax
True that. And methinks @frank’s got that Tom Hanks/Billy Crystal bewildered look down to a T.
I’m going to go with 36.84km
No track experience and you’re riding at Alpenrose? Ha! Good luck with that.
36 km, if you even last the hour. Sorry, but Alpenrose is tricky.
@Hashola What can be so tricky about turning left? I’m not fucking Zoolander.
@frank
Although it brings up an interesting point: Have you, or are you going to, go down and do some practice laps on the track before the actual day of the ride?
@Buck Rogers I gotta assume there will be a significant warm up.
Useful data:
http://www.obra.org/track/records/
The track is an even 268.43 meters around, which is also the exact distance from Frank’s couch to his beer fridge.
Current men’s record holder did 166 laps and change. They did not record how many malted recovery beverages he consumed afterward.
In most years there wasn’t even an attempt at the hour record. So Frank could be the only one to try it this year (and maybe the only attempt since 2006 when the record was set).
@scaler911
What @scaler911 said. The dragging of the body thing works too.
@Hashola
What is with the low balling? Has Frank ever done a 40km TT? Probably not, but I would bet he could suffer that in under an hour, thus, regardless of the banking or trickiness of the ‘drome and despite his complete lack of experience on a ‘drome, I think Frank will acquit himself quite well. Or completely pooch it. Which is the same thing.
@G’rilla What is the definition of Master under the 500m record? I am able to nail a kilo once in a while (or at least the first 750m before the chute deploys….)
I have no idea what to expect so my shot in the dark is 41.71.
In any event, good luck, Frank.
39.5
good luck
Since Fronk is all about looking Fantastic, and nothing would look more Fantastic than crossing the start/finish line just as the timer ticks over to 1:00:00.00, I’m gonna say he manages to get an integer number of laps in for his hour.
At Alpenrose, 142 laps=23 2/3 mi=38.0878 km
@Frank — the strap over the shoe/clipless pedal is to prevent the separation of the uppers of one’s shoes from their corresponding soles. Apparently, for elite-level track sprinters at least, this is a very real possibility.
41.9; I say Frank will amaze even himself.
I’m off to “Flying Wheels” a local ride of 100 miles tomorrow. Considering that I spent last night coughing up pieces of lung, this might be the impossible century for me.
@Buck Rogers
amending my pick to 37.15. Think that’s still open
@eightzero
Have a good ride.
37.777
Insufficient data to base this on, as Frank doesn’t upload much to Strava, or ride much on flat roads it seems. I’d like to see him break 40, but that track sounds vicious.
Frank, at the expense of Rules #2 and #3, have you considered a Rule #62 violation for this outing? There is a ton of research out there that indicates that music enhances performance, particularly in repetitive, endurance sports. While I endorse the intent of Rule #62 on the road, for reasons of safety as well as serenity, the track is a different beast altogether. It seems to me that the right playlist would curb the monotony of the constant left turn and provide a bit of lift at the right moment.
At the very least, G’rilla should provide a trackside boom box and crank up Europe’s Final Countdown for the last 4:55 of the hour!
I don’t know why, but that comment had me thinking of this picture….
I was thinking more like this…
Frank, I assume it goes without saying that you’ll be wearing an old school hair net helmet and not a modern-type effort?
@Spun Up
If you’re going to sink low enough to play motivational music, you should be scientific about it. Calculate the cadence required given the gearing to hit the goal distance, and make an extended ‘dunce mix’ with the beat fixed to the needed BPM. Match your cadence to the beat while you ride, voila, 37.777 km. Please and thank you.
@Buck Rogers
Some great advice for nailing it;
@starclimber
Just how steep are the corners you ask? (there’s a reason I don’t race out there):
[dmalbum: path=”/velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/scaler911/2013.06.09.15.18.07/2/”/]
@scaler911 Maybe he should use a skateboard instead of a bike? Or at least elbow pads? Yikes.
@G’rilla
Scaler was telling me last night that you have to go something like 16-18 mph to stay planted on the track as you go around it. Hope frank doesn’t slow down near the end!
Faaack, that’s getting steep enough to bolt holds on to! @mcsqueak I suspect Frank will be on the apron for the latter portions of his attempt, and given the potential for disaster, no shame there.
If by “apron” you mean, “crying on your mothers”, then yes.
Apron? The Cote d’Azure. Look at where we are, these things matter.
@scaler911
Holy FOOOCK! that looks steep! I was scared to death on the Roubiax velodrome. Let’s just say I’m glad it’s Frahnk and not me!!!