Festum Prophetae: The Impossible Hour
Update: You can watch the live stream (assuming it works from the velodrome) on the Velominati channel at USTREAM. When you log in, you’ll first see my little test video of my puppy eating grass. Please disregard me yelling at it. That never happened.
I have always considered myself to have a good imagination, something I attribute half to my genetics, half to my upbringing, and half to Lego. Despite this supposed creativity of mine, I am utterly incapable of conceiving how much I will suffer on Festum Prophetae. It might be that I’m too much of an optimist, but more likely is the explanation my darling VMH gives: I’m an idiot.
An example that comes to mind prominently would be my trilogy of efforts up Haleakala. I too easily forget the suffering, despite the videos and photos that speak quite plainly on the subject. And that actually happened. I experienced it. Still, the pain fades quickly and right now I feel like having another go.
I also rode a one kilometer Pursuit on the track in Gent on Keepers Tour (twice). Just the kind of good, non-competitive fun that lets you go so hard you suffer minor convulsions afterwards. Granted, a one-kilometer effort is about the worst event you can imagine for an old diesel like me, who doesn’t start heaping coals on the fire until I’ve been in the saddle for a good number of hours. Two minutes nearly killed me, so I should try doing the same thing for three orders of magnitude longer. (Pedant alert: The times were well under two minutes but that makes the math much more complicated and the suffering no less significant.)
The Hour Record has fascinated me more than any other event. I read about the records set by Coppi, Merckx, and Moser, but missed experiencing them in real time (Steep Hill.tv didn’t exist yet, and also I wasn’t alive for two of those.) I was, however, lucky enough to live through the Hour Record’s Golden Age in the 90’s when the widespread use of EPO and the wholesale negligence of the UCI meant frame builders were at liberty to design whatever speedy abomination they wished, and riders were willing to saddle up and lay the hammer down ad infinitum. Lets see who’s blood vessels pop first!
The doping is exaggerated; Boardman might have been clean and was probably just stupid. Obree was definitely clean and certainly stupid. Indurain was definitely doped, definitely not stupid. Rominger was dirty as a Wall Street Mortgage Broker, and a semi-genius. The game was afoot, and back and forth they went: New record! Record falls…New record! Record falls…It was fantastic. In my memory, I was much more enamored with the Hour than I was with the Tour.
I had the ambition to honor last year’s Festum with an Hour Ride (I won’t call it a Record), but factors outside my control (last minute panic to organize time on a track after leaving it too late) conspired against the effort. This year, I planned ahead a bit more.
In honor of what I consider to be the standard-setting Hour Record by The Prophet on what amounted to little more than standard track equipment at the time – not to mention, without the aid of genetics-altering drugs – I will be flogging my guts out for 60 minutes on the Alpenrose Track at 3pm on Saturday, June 15. Mark at Veloforma will be loaning me a Pista Pro for the ride, seeing as I have no track bike (or experience to speak of).
Anyone who wishes to come see a tall fat guy ride a bike badly for 60 minutes is welcome to come down and watch. I understand @scaler911 will be documenting the event. There is even a rumored appearance of my VMH who is a bit of a Snuffleupagus around these parts. If she attends, I will have her fill the role of Ole Ritter’s wife in The Impossible Hour and step forward for every lap I’m ahead of schedule and step backward for every lap that I’m behind schedule. She’s a strong woman not accustomed to walking backwards, but I’m sure she’ll do fine.
Merry Festum Prophetae, one and all. Vive la Vie Velominatus.
Alright, today’s update through comment #200. Spun Up, I changed your pick. On a cursory glance I do not think that anyone is overlapping out to the 100th of a km at this point. Double check the list if you’re worried about it. Getting closer to the date!!! I am WAY more pumped about this than the Tour de Suisse!
Name
Distance
buck rogers
38.42
Engine
40.9
strathlubnaig
38.16
mcsqueak
39
midlife-cyclist
41.4
Tobin
39.7
mlambert1us
41.295
RedRanger
38.1
JohnB
40.774
grumbledook
39.37
TBONE
38.2
El Mateo
40.47
wiscot
43.5
Nate
37.75
Smith
38.79
lordmoos3
37.9895
the-farmer
37.5
Dan_R
42.336
itburns
40.05
Marcus
38.7
Skip
37.9
Jamie
37.5
sthilzy
41.6
Don Amedo
40.25
Brett
36.666
G’rilla
DNF
Mikael Liddy
36.85
V-olcano
35
titirangisi
38.91
cal
38.123
il ciclista medio
38.47
Giles
37.43
Rob
37.4
scaler911
40.95
BarTapeMummy
38.56
minion
40
piwakawaka
38.25
Chris
39.99
ten B
37.3
ChrisO
43.7
anotherdownunder
42
ErikdR
40.4
motor city
40.55
seemunkee
40.9
freddy
41.35
actor1
37.256
Nero
40.35
xyxax
42.23
Steampunk
40.73
Spun Up
37.15
mouse
39.11
niksch
41.555
Russ
35.55
Andrian
40.01
Velovita
36.84
Hashola
36
JACD214
41.71
oneninefiveninesix
39.5
Wookie
38.0878
eightzero
41.9
starclimber
37.777
It’s going to be FOOOOCK’IN awesome!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dh_2r06Ahs0
C’mon guys. You really think Frank would be doing this if he didn’t know he wasn’t going to make an arse of himself? I”m pretty sure he’s given this his full Dutch Monkey OCD level of inspection and prep. He might not have ben training on the tack (as far as I know) but you can bet your ass he’s been doing 1 hour efforts on the road. Not the same I know, but in terms of prepping oneself for that level of pain and effort, close enough.
@wiscot
Oh yeah. Frank will show up, no doubt, and leave it ALL on the track, most likely his last meal and his left lung as well, but he will be there. It is going to be EPIC, Baby!!!
@Buck Rogers I hope you don’t mind but I’ve put the picks in distance order so its easier to see the spread:
G’rilla
DNF
V-olcano
35
Russ
35.55
Hashola
36
Brett
36.666
Velovita
36.84
Mikael Liddy
36.85
Spun Up
37.15
actor1
37.256
ten B
37.3
Rob
37.4
Giles
37.43
the-farmer
37.5
Jamie
37.5
Nate
37.75
starclimber
37.777
Skip
37.9
lordmoos3
37.9895
Wookie
38.0878
RedRanger
38.1
cal
38.123
strathlubnaig
38.16
TBONE
38.2
piwakawaka
38.25
buck rogers
38.42
il ciclista medio
38.47
BarTapeMummy
38.56
Marcus
38.7
Smith
38.79
titirangisi
38.91
mcsqueak
39
mouse
39.11
grumbledook
39.37
oneninefiveninesix
39.5
Tobin
39.7
Chris
39.99
minion
40
Andrian
40.01
itburns
40.05
Don Amedo
40.25
Nero
40.35
ErikdR
40.4
El Mateo
40.47
motor city
40.55
Steampunk
40.73
JohnB
40.774
Engine
40.9
seemunkee
40.9
scaler911
40.95
mlambert1us
41.295
freddy
41.35
midlife-cyclist
41.4
niksch
41.555
sthilzy
41.6
JACD214
41.71
eightzero
41.9
anotherdownunder
42
xyxax
42.23
Dan_R
42.336
wiscot
43.5
ChrisO
43.7
Frank, you mention that you are a diesel. I’ve heard they can be quite fast! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Audi_R18_TDI I’ll go with 41.00. Good luck with those left turns!
First, Buck thank you for stepping up. Second Motor City thanks for fixing the old farts lack of skills (and that’s the kettle, me calling the pot…)!
Lastly Frank, I am so excited you are doing this for so many reasons. I guess the best one is that when you do these stunts – volcanos – 43 degree small track hour attempt – I get to picture myself there in your size 14 shoes!
The tension and anticipation of wether he will comport himself honorably or even brilliantly, let alone finish is as good or better than VSP on the tour because I know my window of getting to the tour was probably nil or at best was a descision made in the summer of 1981 that was the wrong descision – like a job, a girl or just not to train that day, or just not train and do the girl – and my window snapped shut like an F stop on an old Leica set for 1/1000 of a second.
So how you go is how I might go and since my window of getting to the volcano is slim to none and a track has now entered my life and I am stoked to see the fun begin with the idea that I will do this in a year. It might not be a bad idea to make this a Velominati rite – at least all of us should do the attempt once… Not to set a record (but go for it by all means) but to experience and share the pain of the prophet on his birthday. I will be at my local track next June Teenth come join me or show up at your own for the truest of all tests.
Even though I made a low time prediction that was done in a very negative mood of thoughts of, bad day, bad feeling of track skills, etc. I actually want to see you pull this off gloriously and fluidly in true velominatus beauty!
Good luck, Merckx be with you! Can’t wait.
@Rob
Sweet! They just broke ground on the Milton Velodrome for the Pan-Am Games. Thoughts around n+1 have increasingly concerned a track bike.
@motor city
Fooock ME! That is AWESOME! It also shows that Engine and seemunkee have the same distance but Engine listed his first by far so seemunkee you can leave yours but if Frahnk hits 40.9, you’ll still lose.
I will keep my original spreadsheet as well to know who put in their picks first but your way of listing is soooo much better! Thanks!
@Steamy a track bike is a must! No self respecting pro would have been without one (at least back in the day, somehow the thought of Clotho riding one makes me have a sick up feel in the back of my throat) and time on the track/bike lays the base for the perfect stroke…
So come down next March and get some track time and sun on the new N+1
Balls, I put an L in there… turns red, my turrets – Licker, there I said it and I cant take it back – lickerlicker lickerlickerlireckirleckilcreklin…
It would appear that the-farmer beat me to my estimate of 37.5. Let me revise upward to 37.6.
@Rob
I already spent the morning since my last post building track bikes online. Which likely has me one step closer to needing a new place to stay anyway, so I may just take you up on that…
@Steampunk great and I can find you a job at Dade County JC!
@Rob
Your turrets, funny boy. Tell me this, Roberto, In your youth, what was your best time for the classic 25 mile tt? Certainly under an hour. I know you had the club tt record for some distance. You cudda ben a contenda!
I always had that on my check list but it was never to be, too weak. But Frank, big motor, dumb like a dutch monkey, loves the drops, he will kill this.
41.87. Buck, I’m in.
39.25
Close enough to 40 to make him want to do it again.
@Jamie
Yup, he put his distance in at pick #17 and you were #23. I changed you up to your new distance. I will post it tomorrow.
@Rob
Fuck! I’d blow my brains out if I landed at a JuCo (not that there’s anything wrong with it, just don’t ask me to teach history there). I’ll give starving artist a try (along with some fabulous bikes). More time on the track that way. Although, methinks track is more desirable up here, where there’s a winter season, and I don’t want to be outside. Nevertheless…
Jeez I missed this one for some reason. Good Luck @Frank…you have 5 days to lose 10lbs (just a good solid shit really – piece of cake) and get yourself some Forsterman guns and you’ll be ready for real suffering.
Just a note of caution – DON’T FALL OFF! It won’t look good on Youtube…
@frank Here’s a piece of inspiration for the hour;
Found it at http://coffeeandbikes.tumblr.com/post/48483161572
@sthilzy
Top drawer, matey. Top drawer.
@Gianni, that is thirty freekin plus years ago and you expect me to remember my weakest event?? I might have done a high 57 at some point late in the career when folks like Andy Weaver were steaming it at 54… and I think Alf Engers had just amazed with a 49 (OK that was questionable dual highway at morning rush hour, etc.). My best 10 miler was at 43.7 kph, it was a rolling course, I had just finished a tough 9 day stage race on the Gaspe peninsula and was fitter than a Dutch Monkey. The funny thing is the thought of going 6 more kph (a la Merckx) was incomprehensible and still is to this day!
I have no doubts that Frank will nail it but part of me is nervous for him, as I’ve said, wind, rain, track jitters or blowing up… there is a difference doing a road hour to a track – fixed hour and I do not know if you can sustain the pace without a change of pace, if you know what I mean?
@Steampunk !) Do not leave Canada 2) Keep your full professorship. I was just kidding for when the VMH kicked you out and the Uni fired your ass cause you were spending too much time at the new track on your N+1 saying you were studying the true six day racing and how it affected society because nobody was getting any work done…
@sthilzy has to be one of the best images ever!
@sthilzy
Amazing image! What year? Is that a one-piece the Prophet is wearing? Look at those tans lines: The legs, the watchband, the gloves. In his effort to shave weight I am surprised that he has a helmet on. Depending on wear it was it might have been required. Super shot!
And look how perfect he is on the line,
Omniscience.
@Buck Rogers that was Mexico City 1972 and I bet they could have cared less but perhaps international track rules… Or he felt he was going to go so hard he’d black out crossing the line and it was insurance? FYI those hair nets were very light and really comfy.
@Rob
Ahh, so it was THAT hour record attempt. Cool! Thanks for the info!
For what it is worth, the hour record at Alpenrose, which is non-Merckx, is:
Seth Hosmer 44.644 km 2006 166 lap 85m
Forecast for Saturday is 27ºC and sunny.
@eenies
Put me down for 34. He’ll be pissed at the low guess and try even harder to pass 40.
Anatomy of a Photo: @frank‘s hour
@frank‘s wildest dreams
Daily update. Only one new added entrant. Getting closer!
Name
Distance
Sauterelle
34
V-olcano
35
Russ
35.55
Hashola
36
Brett
36.666
Velovita
36.84
Mikael Liddy
36.85
Spun Up
37.15
actor1
37.256
ten B
37.3
Rob
37.4
Giles
37.43
the-farmer
37.5
Jamie
37.6
Nate
37.75
starclimber
37.777
Skip
37.9
lordmoos3
37.9895
Wookie
38.0878
RedRanger
38.1
cal
38.123
strathlubnaig
38.16
TBONE
38.2
piwakawaka
38.25
buck rogers
38.42
il ciclista medio
38.47
BarTapeMummy
38.56
Marcus
38.7
Smith
38.79
titirangisi
38.91
mcsqueak
39
mouse
39.11
eenies
39.25
grumbledook
39.37
oneninefiveninesix
39.5
Tobin
39.7
Chris
39.99
minion
40
Andrian
40.01
itburns
40.05
Don Amedo
40.25
Nero
40.35
ErikdR
40.4
El Mateo
40.47
motor city
40.55
Steampunk
40.73
JohnB
40.774
Engine
40.9
seemunkee
40.9
scaler911
40.95
Lukas
41
mlambert1us
41.295
freddy
41.35
midlife-cyclist
41.4
niksch
41.555
sthilzy
41.6
JACD214
41.71
Gianni
41.87
eightzero
41.9
anotherdownunder
42
xyxax
42.23
Dan_R
42.336
wiscot
43.5
ChrisO
43.7
G’rilla
DNF
@Buck Rogers 38.43!
Frank, what sort of riding/training are you doing this week? Wondering if you are resting the guns, doing light rides, doing the Fignon Man with the Hammer rides or what.
Also, building up the Gravel Rig has me thinking your lack of an in-house mechanic could factor into this.
36.9.
I wonder if you try and measure your effort or do you Prophetize it and go full gas full time?
@Ron
Did 8 hour Fignon ride yesterday. One cliff bar, two bidons. The Man with the Hammer came swiftly at about 6 hours in.
i’ll add some interval work tomorrow, easy ride Friday. Rest has never worked that well for me, and my form is a little behind at the moment….
@Ron
oh, and I plan to start hard, finish hard. As for the middle, well, I plan to go hard.
little topical viewing, some useful tips for Franck from Our Rick.
http://www.digyourowngrave.com/rick-mercer-visits-the-london-velodrome/
@frank
Frank, I might have to revise my time… Yes I know its pure Rule #5 and #10 but only the Prophet and a select few can stick to that program. May I suggest you start casually deliberate, then build to mildly enthusiastic and finish like a hurricane!
Hey just curious, how much time have you spent on a track and fixed…?
@Chris
You, sir, are cruel, yet hilarious.
@Buck Rogers 36.2
Daily update. Get your picks in soon, only two days left!
Name
Distance
Sauterelle
34
V-olcano
35
Russ
35.55
Hashola
36
ped
36.2
Brett
36.666
Velovita
36.84
Mikael Liddy
36.85
Ron
36.9
Spun Up
37.15
actor1
37.256
ten B
37.3
Rob
37.4
Giles
37.43
the-farmer
37.5
Jamie
37.6
Nate
37.75
starclimber
37.777
Skip
37.9
lordmoos3
37.9895
Wookie
38.0878
RedRanger
38.1
cal
38.123
strathlubnaig
38.16
TBONE
38.2
piwakawaka
38.25
buck rogers
38.42
Deakus
38.43
il ciclista medio
38.47
BarTapeMummy
38.56
Marcus
38.7
Smith
38.79
titirangisi
38.91
mcsqueak
39
mouse
39.11
eenies
39.25
grumbledook
39.37
oneninefiveninesix
39.5
Tobin
39.7
Chris
39.99
minion
40
Andrian
40.01
itburns
40.05
Don Amedo
40.25
Nero
40.35
ErikdR
40.4
El Mateo
40.47
motor city
40.55
Steampunk
40.73
JohnB
40.774
Engine
40.9
seemunkee
40.9
scaler911
40.95
Lukas
41
mlambert1us
41.295
freddy
41.35
midlife-cyclist
41.4
niksch
41.555
sthilzy
41.6
JACD214
41.71
Gianni
41.87
eightzero
41.9
anotherdownunder
42
xyxax
42.23
Dan_R
42.336
wiscot
43.5
ChrisO
43.7
G’rilla
DNF
I am confirmed for the track at 3pm. G’rilla is boasting about live-streaming the effort. There will be lap counters, clocks, and buckets for my puke.
I’ve actually never puked from an effort. Blacked out, yes. Puke, no.
@Rob
Rock you like a hurricane!
Almost none. Did some track riding in MN back in the early 2000’s, and some in Belgium. And, I’m not a hipster, so almost no fixed…
@frank
Yes! This would kick ass!
(New revenue stream for the site? Instead of “Jackass,” “Frank Kicks His Own Ass,” a monthly event.)
@PeakInTwoYears
THIS! I would pay to see that each month!
@Buck Rogers
I wouldn’t, but if G’rilla can come up with some monotone Sean Kelly-esque color commentary I’d happily watch a pirated feed via cyclingfans…
@VeloVita
Touche’! Guess I would opt for the same thing!
@Buck Rogers
First episode:
“Hi, my name is Fronk Strack, and this is inhaling a real wasp.”
Alright. 39.42. Final offer
@VeloVita
G’rilla try something like this (the important thing is how you say bike) –
“Froank is gitin on the boik luke at hem toin they padels, I’ve not seen soch form since I was a lad on da farm and my granpa pedeled the milk delivery boik.”*
Yes, I’d tune in often!
*My apologies to Mr Kelly, the hardest of hardmen, there is NO one I’d rather listen to And his brogue is so distinct there is no copying.
@frank
Frank, I might have to revise my time…
Hey just curious, how much time have you spent on a track and fixed…?
Almost none. Did some track riding in MN back in the early 2000″²s, and some in Belgium. And, I’m not a hipster, so almost no fixed…
For me the same on time spent at the track but I have done a lot of road km’s fixed. You have guts and I am anxiously and curiously waiting to see the outcome! Have you considered making a prediction? Sealed envelop only to be opened in the event of an early demise? (I mean DNF of course!)
Again the best of Luck, ride like the wind is at your back and seventy virgins await you at the finish (my abject apologies to Ms. M.).