Festum Prophetae: The Impossible Hour
Update: You can watch the live stream (assuming it works from the velodrome) on the Velominati channel at USTREAM. When you log in, you’ll first see my little test video of my puppy eating grass. Please disregard me yelling at it. That never happened.
I have always considered myself to have a good imagination, something I attribute half to my genetics, half to my upbringing, and half to Lego. Despite this supposed creativity of mine, I am utterly incapable of conceiving how much I will suffer on Festum Prophetae. It might be that I’m too much of an optimist, but more likely is the explanation my darling VMH gives: I’m an idiot.
An example that comes to mind prominently would be my trilogy of efforts up Haleakala. I too easily forget the suffering, despite the videos and photos that speak quite plainly on the subject. And that actually happened. I experienced it. Still, the pain fades quickly and right now I feel like having another go.
I also rode a one kilometer Pursuit on the track in Gent on Keepers Tour (twice). Just the kind of good, non-competitive fun that lets you go so hard you suffer minor convulsions afterwards. Granted, a one-kilometer effort is about the worst event you can imagine for an old diesel like me, who doesn’t start heaping coals on the fire until I’ve been in the saddle for a good number of hours. Two minutes nearly killed me, so I should try doing the same thing for three orders of magnitude longer. (Pedant alert: The times were well under two minutes but that makes the math much more complicated and the suffering no less significant.)
The Hour Record has fascinated me more than any other event. I read about the records set by Coppi, Merckx, and Moser, but missed experiencing them in real time (Steep Hill.tv didn’t exist yet, and also I wasn’t alive for two of those.) I was, however, lucky enough to live through the Hour Record’s Golden Age in the 90’s when the widespread use of EPO and the wholesale negligence of the UCI meant frame builders were at liberty to design whatever speedy abomination they wished, and riders were willing to saddle up and lay the hammer down ad infinitum. Lets see who’s blood vessels pop first!
The doping is exaggerated; Boardman might have been clean and was probably just stupid. Obree was definitely clean and certainly stupid. Indurain was definitely doped, definitely not stupid. Rominger was dirty as a Wall Street Mortgage Broker, and a semi-genius. The game was afoot, and back and forth they went: New record! Record falls…New record! Record falls…It was fantastic. In my memory, I was much more enamored with the Hour than I was with the Tour.
I had the ambition to honor last year’s Festum with an Hour Ride (I won’t call it a Record), but factors outside my control (last minute panic to organize time on a track after leaving it too late) conspired against the effort. This year, I planned ahead a bit more.
In honor of what I consider to be the standard-setting Hour Record by The Prophet on what amounted to little more than standard track equipment at the time – not to mention, without the aid of genetics-altering drugs – I will be flogging my guts out for 60 minutes on the Alpenrose Track at 3pm on Saturday, June 15. Mark at Veloforma will be loaning me a Pista Pro for the ride, seeing as I have no track bike (or experience to speak of).
Anyone who wishes to come see a tall fat guy ride a bike badly for 60 minutes is welcome to come down and watch. I understand @scaler911 will be documenting the event. There is even a rumored appearance of my VMH who is a bit of a Snuffleupagus around these parts. If she attends, I will have her fill the role of Ole Ritter’s wife in The Impossible Hour and step forward for every lap I’m ahead of schedule and step backward for every lap that I’m behind schedule. She’s a strong woman not accustomed to walking backwards, but I’m sure she’ll do fine.
Merry Festum Prophetae, one and all. Vive la Vie Velominatus.
41.65
Enjoy.
If I keep trying to think of somethins clever to say, I’ll just Delgado this like that Swiss Tour thingie.
38.6 km
@frank
This might warrant a revision. Perhaps a total of 46m. The video will consist of 59 minutes of giddy giggling from @scaler, @G’rilla, and all in attendance…
@Buck Rogers I think we might need a definitiion on @G’rilla’s “DNF” – we need to be crystal clear here. Surely the only way DNF can happen is if Frank DNS – after that I’d hazard he’ll manage at least 1-10m before hitting the boards in a heap of legs, arms and track bike…..and suffer a hour ending injury (also low probability I would think)
I just want everything nice and clear so in the aftermath we can all be nice and casually deliberate in the post match sledging….
That said I’m starting to think I may have way lowballed this one.
@Rob
I’ll be at the finish but I’m not a virgin, so depending on Scaler911’s status, you’ll need at least 69 more people to join us.
39.3, best of luck @frank
I sure hope we don’t hear the famous Kelly comment – “it looks like he might be in some difficulty”
Bon chance mon gar !
Just remember Frank, who had the most faith in you, for when you do the acceptance speech as the new holder of the Alpenrose track record.
@Rob
Woipin’ me corffee off the frickin’ quay-bird here, mate – well played
If Sean Kelly is commentating I want @frank to have a mechanical and bail out at ‘turty tree dot tree tree keelometres’
“He’s gotta have da legs – if he’s feelin’ good it could go very well tho'”
@G’rilla
+1 – rethinking that one as there obviously is a dearth of virgins out your way…
Since I am as bad at math as I am at writing has anyone figured out the required lap times on the Alpenrose oval for, lets say, beating the track record and is Fränk planing to stick to that kind of schedule?
Who is his acting DS? G’rilla? Is the mighty Gianni flying in??
@Rob
We have more strip clubs and micro breweries per capita than anywhere in the country. There isn’t a virgin within 1000K of Portland.
@Rob
Me. And G’rilla. We’ll be yelling encouraging stuff at him like “my grandma can ride faster than that, and she’s got a broken hip”. You know, being supportive.
@scaler911
Portland sounds cool…
@Patrick
It is. Except for stuff like this:
And this:
41.46. Merckxspeed!
@scaler911
Portland looks scary!
@Rob
I figure that since G’rilla’s head is bigger than mine, he can do the maths for that stuff on the drive down.
I have the small matter today of having my tooth put back in as my dog knocked it out last night. Unpleasant, but much less unpleasant than tomorrow’s ride will be.
@frank
I now have a weird set of pictures in my head…
@scaler911
Perfect, maybe the peanut gallery here could help come up with a few more encouragements like my favorite “Get a horse” or “my 3 legged, blind dog can run faster”.
@frank Oh cripes, just what you need to up the hard man quotient! I hope the liquid pain meds don’t mean you will need to have a bathroom break…
My bad math says you will have to do sub 30 second laps to pay proper homage? FYI the women’s record for the track is 38.16…
Good luck!
@scaler911
What amazes me is that no matter how Trash that is, it requires quite a lot of skill to accomplish. Its quite an anomaly, actually.
@scaler911
Is that your team bus?
@frank
Holy crap: man bites dog. Why the hell’d you do that. Hair of the dog?!
@VeloVita
Obviously, it’s the 7-Eleven team bus.
Interesting. I have no idea how much “assistance” such a track provides in maintainance of speed – but I assume there must be some amount of relief available in the corners? Or I could be talking completely out of my ass.
Frank would seem to be fit. Frank can gut out an hour.
Are we guessing average speed or distance covered in the hour? If it’s distance covered that would negate any relief that the corners might provide as you’d need to go further to get the relief – no?
I’ll await the answer to the above question before putting up the correct number.
@frank
Oh, cripes. Sorry to hear about that.
I have often reflected that a dog is like a large, fast two year old. With a powerful bite and a skull that’s stronger than the brain inside it (unless the brain is determining how to find that tasty-smelling carcass or pile of shit). And still we love them.
Ah…just google Hour Record to find that it is distance covered that we’re postulating upon – that makes a big difference.
Merckx did 49.431 km.
I think it would be folly to presume that there are those among us that could surpass 75% of what Merckx did.
Hitting 75% on the nose would be a heck of an achievement in my estimation.
37.07325 is the correct number.
Good luck Frank! It sounds like a terrific opportunity to lay down some V.
@PeakInTwoYears
Little pit puppy. We were playing and in her enthusiasm swung her head around just right for my tooth to hit the showers. Skull definitely harder than the brain inside it.
@kixsand
Distance covered. V-Pint up for grabs for getting closer.
Alright, daily update (fooock me this is getting old). Last call for alcoh, no wait, entires will be 3 pm PST tomorrow and then we shut it down and let Frahnk do his thing!
Name
Distance
Sauterelle
34
V-olcano
35
Russ
35.55
Hashola
36
ped
36.2
Brett
36.666
Velovita
36.84
Mikael Liddy
36.85
Ron
36.9
kixsand
37.07325
Spun Up
37.15
actor1
37.256
ten B
37.3
Rob
37.4
Giles
37.43
the-farmer
37.5
Jamie
37.6
Nate
37.75
starclimber
37.777
Skip
37.9
lordmoos3
37.9895
Wookie
38.0878
RedRanger
38.1
cal
38.123
strathlubnaig
38.16
TBONE
38.2
piwakawaka
38.25
buck rogers
38.42
Deakus
38.43
il ciclista medio
38.47
BarTapeMummy
38.56
moondance
38.6
Marcus
38.7
Smith
38.79
titirangisi
38.91
mcsqueak
39
mouse
39.11
eenies
39.25
snoov
39.3
grumbledook
39.37
gaswepass
39.42
oneninefiveninesix
39.5
Tobin
39.7
Chris
39.99
minion
40
Andrian
40.01
itburns
40.05
Don Amedo
40.25
Nero
40.35
ErikdR
40.4
El Mateo
40.47
motor city
40.55
Steampunk
40.73
JohnB
40.774
Engine
40.9
seemunkee
40.9
scaler911
40.95
Lukas
41
mlambert1us
41.295
freddy
41.35
midlife-cyclist
41.4
Patrick
41.46
niksch
41.555
sthilzy
41.6
girl
41.65
JACD214
41.71
Gianni
41.87
eightzero
41.9
anotherdownunder
42
xyxax
42.23
Dan_R
42.336
wiscot
43.5
ChrisO
43.7
G’rilla
DNF
@Giles
Hell mate, you’re thinnking too hard. If Frahnk does not finish one hour on the bike, G’rilla takes it. End of story. Now have a drink and relax. Tomorrow should be awesome!
@Buck Rogers
PeakInTwoYears
39.6
@Buck Rogers Buck, please amend me to 37.7. @starclimber came in a bit close to me with his gues.
@frank
Uh oh, I hope Travis Tygert isn’t reading.
I’ll be cruel and submit 39.99.
Everything has to be perfect. Bonts scrubbed in soapy water, cleats re-lubed, and dried overnight. I can’t imagine anything more cruel than looking at dirty shoes for an Hour.
@frank
The Bonts do clean up nicely – the microfiber or whatever they are made out of seems to wear really well (although mine don’t tend to get terribly dirty, being red and black)
Is that an orange comforter/duvet or is it just the light? Somehow I imagine that if that photo was taken with a wider angle lens we’d see something like this albeit with V-Cogs and ‘Obey the Rules’ in place of the Browns logos:
@Cyclops
Dude, check the list. Chris already beat you to the punch on that one.
And for everyone else that has not submitted yet, if you duplicate a pick, you’re fucked as I am not checking again until it closes tomorrow at 3 pm PST and whomever picked the distance first gets it.
@Buck Rogers
I often wonder how Frank keeps his cool when we’re all pissy about VSP picks/ errors. I’d never volunteer to do what you’re doing.
Alright, we have live streaming set up. Check the Velominati Channel on USTREAM:
http://ustre.am/10hMJ
We will start broadcasting just prior to 3pm Pacific when I am scheduled to start.
Some updates. I lost a tooth and had post or anchor or some fucking thing put in my mouth. Front fucking row, too. My temporary cap looks like I’m a hillbilly. Lost of pain, lots of blood lost, but all is on track for scheduled start tomorrow. I’m seeing if I can get my hands on some EPO to restock the blood I lost.
Someone – either Scaler or G’rilla will be posting updates here as well as relevant things happen. If the live stream doesn’t work, look for more updates here.
I plan to allow Scaler to prove PTOWN beer is better than Seattle by providing a growler at the finish line which I will drink down in one gulp. You know, to recover.
Live streaming and updates. Very cool.
I think that means I need to be watching at 8pm Sunday night my time. I won’t tell you how long it took me to work that out and I am probably wrong.
I’m. Oholidays and traveling tomorrow. Just wanted to wish you best of luck. I love completely pointless challenges like this
@frank Yes, as @girl says, very cool! Just checked it out – which of your hell hounds gave you the handicapping upper cut? Isn’t there a third one who’s even bigger?
If my calculations are right we on the east coast (of Merica) will be watching at 6:00 pm Saturday @Girl does that mean you live in Greenland And will TiVo it cause you work an 18 hour shift Sat-Sun because of midnight sun??
@girl, @Rob
Timezone math is some of the most complicated shit there is. This site is helpful:
http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/converter.html
But you stil have to know your time zone and the one you want to change to, which means you have to know which are on daylight time.
The small one – the puppy. She was too stoked. I squatted down to let her climb in my lap and it blew her tiny little mind and she thrashed her head up into my jaw perfectly. Pitbull heads are hard, and she has perfect aim, apparently.
I look like a wretch right now, but I’ll have a better toofer for it in the end.
@frank
A. Do you guys plan to have the video available on that channel after the event for our asynchronous sadistic pleasure? I ask because I’ve got a longish ride planned tomorrow and need to sort out my start and finish time requirements.
B. I’m still sorry about your fucking tooth. /raises (fourth) glass/ Modern dentistry.
@PeakInTwoYears Yes, there will be a recording. It might take a few days to put that together, given the post-event beverages and such.
Go my alarm set so I can tune in at work.
@frank
Yo have the best cycling shoes in existence.
@Rob
A personal favourite is counting laps for riders, “1, 2, 2, 3, 2, (silence) 3, 4, 6…..”
Others are “your bike’s fucked” with no further explanation.
“Frank the tank!”
Down a beer for every lap. After ten or so minutes it won’t matter what you say.