Festum Prophetae: The Impossible Hour
Update: You can watch the live stream (assuming it works from the velodrome) on the Velominati channel at USTREAM. When you log in, you’ll first see my little test video of my puppy eating grass. Please disregard me yelling at it. That never happened.
I have always considered myself to have a good imagination, something I attribute half to my genetics, half to my upbringing, and half to Lego. Despite this supposed creativity of mine, I am utterly incapable of conceiving how much I will suffer on Festum Prophetae. It might be that I’m too much of an optimist, but more likely is the explanation my darling VMH gives: I’m an idiot.
An example that comes to mind prominently would be my trilogy of efforts up Haleakala. I too easily forget the suffering, despite the videos and photos that speak quite plainly on the subject. And that actually happened. I experienced it. Still, the pain fades quickly and right now I feel like having another go.
I also rode a one kilometer Pursuit on the track in Gent on Keepers Tour (twice). Just the kind of good, non-competitive fun that lets you go so hard you suffer minor convulsions afterwards. Granted, a one-kilometer effort is about the worst event you can imagine for an old diesel like me, who doesn’t start heaping coals on the fire until I’ve been in the saddle for a good number of hours. Two minutes nearly killed me, so I should try doing the same thing for three orders of magnitude longer. (Pedant alert: The times were well under two minutes but that makes the math much more complicated and the suffering no less significant.)
The Hour Record has fascinated me more than any other event. I read about the records set by Coppi, Merckx, and Moser, but missed experiencing them in real time (Steep Hill.tv didn’t exist yet, and also I wasn’t alive for two of those.) I was, however, lucky enough to live through the Hour Record’s Golden Age in the 90’s when the widespread use of EPO and the wholesale negligence of the UCI meant frame builders were at liberty to design whatever speedy abomination they wished, and riders were willing to saddle up and lay the hammer down ad infinitum. Lets see who’s blood vessels pop first!
The doping is exaggerated; Boardman might have been clean and was probably just stupid. Obree was definitely clean and certainly stupid. Indurain was definitely doped, definitely not stupid. Rominger was dirty as a Wall Street Mortgage Broker, and a semi-genius. The game was afoot, and back and forth they went: New record! Record falls…New record! Record falls…It was fantastic. In my memory, I was much more enamored with the Hour than I was with the Tour.
I had the ambition to honor last year’s Festum with an Hour Ride (I won’t call it a Record), but factors outside my control (last minute panic to organize time on a track after leaving it too late) conspired against the effort. This year, I planned ahead a bit more.
In honor of what I consider to be the standard-setting Hour Record by The Prophet on what amounted to little more than standard track equipment at the time – not to mention, without the aid of genetics-altering drugs – I will be flogging my guts out for 60 minutes on the Alpenrose Track at 3pm on Saturday, June 15. Mark at Veloforma will be loaning me a Pista Pro for the ride, seeing as I have no track bike (or experience to speak of).
Anyone who wishes to come see a tall fat guy ride a bike badly for 60 minutes is welcome to come down and watch. I understand @scaler911 will be documenting the event. There is even a rumored appearance of my VMH who is a bit of a Snuffleupagus around these parts. If she attends, I will have her fill the role of Ole Ritter’s wife in The Impossible Hour and step forward for every lap I’m ahead of schedule and step backward for every lap that I’m behind schedule. She’s a strong woman not accustomed to walking backwards, but I’m sure she’ll do fine.
Merry Festum Prophetae, one and all. Vive la Vie Velominatus.
Says it’s live now.
Starting! Stream should be running now.
Looking good!
Got it! Just saw Frahnk go by!!!
Completely friggen awesome! GO FRANKTARD!!!!
@G’rilla
move around a bit!
Consistent 24.5s splits!
Excellent camera work. What sort of lap time we looking at to break this record then ?
No real live stream as of yet for me, The weather looks fantastic.
holy shit im in go Frank
Where is Michelle? Frank goes best when berated.
25’s consistant
Why are there other riders on the track?
@Gianni
++1
tracking 38.65km by my useless maths
25% into pain – nice
I’m tired just watching this. 15 minutes in and consistent 24-25s laps.
He’s feeling it now! just asked how much time had gone by… 14 minutes
@Rob
@G’rilla
Tell Frank that Brett and Gianni said he’s a useless c#nt…
There so needs to be a keg of recovery beverage with the V Army gathered round out in the middle.
Coming up on 20 minutes. Anyone know how far he’s gone so far?
@G’rilla Get the beers out and tell him if he doesn’t hurry up they’ll be gone before he’s done.
brett wish i was there id be giving him such shit!!! None of this “nice Frank, good job keep it up” BS
@brett
And that we could go that fast with those wheels. I assumed this was a Merckxian Hour record and the golden tickets would be on there.
lost the feed…
Stream’s gone lads…
25 min mark and frank is looken good … Dam feed dropped out.
@brett
Has he just gone hypoxic and run into the camera?
come on ye big lanky dutch cunt, put some fucking effort in ffs !…. or similar.
Restarting feed…phone must have gone to sleep.
Refreshed the page, and they-re back
G’rilla yell at the boy, come on, get it going!
Tell Frank to ring his bell if he is going to ride like a Dutch commuter.
Roughly 68 laps at 30 minutes.
Taking a water handoff (in motion, of course).
Any calculations for average speed at the halfway point?
WATER!!! oh for fucks sake stop coddling him WATER it just an hour he doesnt need water he needs akick in the butt!!!
That had better been a beer hand-up!
@itburns
+++1
Jeezus, get him on the red line! He’s adding 10 metres a lap!
@G’rilla
C’mon you guys, start abusing and belittling him… it’s the only method he responds to.
Start shouting comments from the Peanut Gallery! That way you can abuse him guilt free.
Are we talking to the wind or is track side picking up all this sage advise??
40 minutes, still keeping 25.5 second laps.
“Nice Frank”? I can’t watch this… try “you may as well stop now you useless twat, Brett could do better than this…” If that doesn’t work, nothing will.
Faarrk! Is the live feed dead all over or just mine?
Haha, there ya go!
We dont care about the midgets – yell at him!!
Next time around, ask @frank where my V-Kit it.
..is. Ugh.