How To Watch Paris-Roubaix

In order of preference:

1. Hang out with William and Alex of Pavé Cycling Classics. You will see the race at three different locations, all the while portaging coolers of Malteni beer and baguette sandwiches. The final location will be Carrefour de L’Arbre where the shit will hit the fan and the final can be watched on a giant screen. Life cannot get better.
2. A bar in Northern France hopefully along the route so you will have reason to briefly stand outside and watch the race go by before going back in to drink even more beer. I’ve never done this but it sounds like a lot of fun. I’ve heard bars will provide ample amounts of beer and wine and every bar has a fryer for the frites and an endless supply of mayonnaise. Picking the favorite French rider will be the only problem.
3. Live in Europe so you can watch all six hours from the comfort of your eco-home and make a Sunday of it. Your cycling friends can come over in the afternoon for the cobbles and drinking. Making frites at home, probably a bad idea: house fires, second degree burns, smoke alarms and too much distraction from race watching.
4. Live in Britain where you can go to some ancient dark pub where you can watch the race on TV and no one will question your need to start lifting pints well before lunch because it’s Sunday and you are in Britain.
5. If you live ≥ 6 hours from Europe all bets are off, at least in the USA. It won’t be live. The coverage might just be the last hour or it might be pre-empted by golf, always golf. One can’t open up a computer, phone or talk to another human or even a dog. A dog could sense Tommeke not making the final break and communicate that by puking up dog’s morning feed partly on a rug and partly on the hardwood floor. It’s a minefield, FFS.
6. If you live across the dateline, it’s already Monday or Tuesday, the race is over and you are at work. You are on your own, mate.

For unknowable reasons, three hours of Paris-Roubaix TV coverage in Hawaii starts at 9:00 AM on Sunday on NBC-SN channel. This is highly unusual and highly great. I’m unsure how to proceed. It’s too early for Chimay or frites, everyone else is out for the Sunday ride or surfing. It might just be Gianni, dog and espresso machine and that’s not bad, unless there is puking.