I’m not too proud to admit to having multiple phobias against various things. That’s phobia multiplicity. Having a phobia against something is very simliar to having a normal phobia, except that in addition to being irrationally scared of something, you also harbor a stifling grudge against it. Also possibly irrationally.
For example, I have been diagnosed with a phobia against having small calves. This is a condition where one hates how small calves look, which is further heightened by being aware of how puny their calves are. When I say “diagnosed”, I really mean “teased”.
I am pleased, however, to see how many Tour contenders have fuckall calves. Miguel Indurain, for example, had calves exactly like mine except his made his bike go batshit fast. Similarly, Chris Froome is letting all kinds of V out of the box with his puny calves. It lightens the heart to see fellow calfless riders perform so well.
But this, inevitably, brings up the question as to whether a rider can compete without calf-doping. Evidence is rampant, but the UCI stands idle in its fight against calf-enhancement. Johnny Drama bravely broke the Omertà and admitted to getting calf implants. Since those days, we’ve been taught to look beyond the beautifully shaped calf and ask, are those magnificent strokes powered by bags of saline? Our own Gianni should be investigated, hosting some of the biggest calves known to exist; I could fit two of my quads in one of his calves. Brett, to his enduring credit, is under no suspicion whatsoever of using calf-doping. The jury is out on Marko, and if Jim ever shaved his guns, we might make a reasoned decision on him. (Yes, there is a Keeper among us with hairy guns, but trust us, he lays the hurt down a-plenty. Still, as soon as we get him drunk enough, we’ll hold him down, shave his guns, and Sharpie a penis on each of his quads.)
The days of Pharmstrong and team riding at the front of the Tour for three weeks while controlling affairs with steadfast diligence has taught us it is prudent to be suspicious. As the Doping Saga of the days gone by unwinds, the one lesson that stands out from the past is that when one team makes a show of force, it means they are on something that the rest of the bunch isn’t. In that light, we are right to see a team at the front, controlling affairs and to raise an eyebrow in response. I am among the most skeptical, having supported and loved this sport through thick and thin for the better part of three decades. Suspicion is isn’t cynism – it’s realism.
Still, I find my attitude shifting. Just as it was unfair to the clean riders to claim a “level playing field” during the Doping Era – if it has indeed passed – it is similarly unfair to accuse the clean riders of doping in the Clean Era – if it has indeed arrived. There are a lot of if‘s, passed‘s, and arrived‘s in there, but nevertheless, it is a turning point in my thinking. On Saturday, Froome was marching into the pain cave, and you could almost watch the flashlight drop from his hand and everything start to go dark. It was glorious to see the unabashed suffering of a rider on his way to Yellow. Not having him look like he was on a Sunday stroll is a good sign, and if Sky is doping, they didn’t get Porte’s programme right the day after his spectacular ride to second place on the stage and G.C – or it was a clever ploy to deflect suspicion.
This isn’t my first rodeo, and I’ve been stung for giving the benefit of the doubt in the past. But on balance, believing is more fun than doubting, and hopefulness is more fulfilling than cynism. I am a fan, not a professional; “fun” is the reason I spectate – not for the empty satisfaction of having been “right” or having “known” someone was cheating. Some people have a phobia against being duped, but this is thankfully one I have managed to avoid; my view is that if I am cheated, that says more about the cheater than it does about me.
In that vein, I choose to believe that what we see today is a cleaner race than what we’ve seen in the past, and that perhaps Froome and Sky’s performance might have been impossible during the Armstrong Era. Even in purposefully optimistic paragraphs as the ones that precedes this one, I see my language hedging bets against itself. It is a sign of the times. But still, I choose to believe.
I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…
Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…
The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…
Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…
This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…
I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…
View Comments
@frank Its easy to forget that Armstrong was not the only one doping and yet he won most stages in dramatic form. Is it not possible that this is a clean tour and the peloton just isn't as good as Froome?
Plenty of pro cyclists have put their hands up before and since Armstrongs "revelation"!
Sounds like the doubters would only be happy if everyone was slower and there was no standout winner on any stage of the tour!?
Sounds like there are a lot of fat cunts around who don't know the difference between calves and cankles
@Deakus
Expect him to lose a bucket of time in the next time trial http://www.kinomap.com/watch/jvzpvk Jeremy Roy descending
@piwakawaka
If I had just won a time trial with blood leaking through my skin suit and someone told me I needed to lose 4kg I would find a new storage place for that trophy.
@ped
Christ! I could only watch a couple of minutes of it, it was too painful, I kept shouting the screen...GoGoGo...nonono...fingers off the breaks!
@ChrisO
Here's a point to make though. Do you think Tony Martin would still have won if they had gone at opposite ends of the day. It looked to me like that headwind really picked up as the day wore on. Not to take anything away from him, but I was pretty impressed with Vroomys TT especially when those around him were struggling at around the same time. This does not bode well for my VSP though, I still think he will fall off and lose oh..er...about 5 minutes?
@deakus Dunno, I saw some Tweets from people near the finish who reckoned it had been pretty consistent through the day.
And the last third, open and flat, very much suited a technical TT specialist - when Froome came through the second checkpoint 2 seconds up I said to my mate that Martin would take it.
But yes it was impressive from Froome, and Porte.
Always a lottery and I'm sure Tony 'Who Ate All the Sausages" Martin has lost timetrials the same way through rain or other changing conditions.
@ChrisO
I am thinking the Alpes are either going to make things really exciting and blow the race apart...or be a huge anti-climax and make it pretty much like last years tour. I have put all my faith in Bertie, he looks weak now but I think he is riding himself in to form and I am hoping Froome has peaked too soon..it ain't over yet...there is still time for the spaniards to gang up and do a deal!
Although he is a certified hardman, Laurens Ten Dam illustrated the importance of rule #50 in the ITT yesterday.
That awful stream of dribble and bile stuck to his beard in the last few KM's made me feel rather ill.