Posting on the Tour de Blast, Bob asked if any of us were doing the Climb of Death up Cougar Mountain in Issaquah, WA, a climb locals refer to as “Zoo Hill”. Like an idiot, I registered, and have set about preparing for the event by doing very little training and blocking the event from my consciousness. My long-term strategy was to forget about it and then call foul later when I “realized” I had missed the event. Were it not for the fastidious planning by race organizer Joel Blatt, my plan might have worked, too. Instead, his regular email communications and updates ensured that I was perfectly aware of the fact that the event takes place August 7th, and he even convinced me to lobby for my start position.
I’ve ridden the climb in training on many occasions, and it has never approximated anything resembling “enjoyable”. It starts off steep and stays steep for the first 1.5 kilometers. About halfway up, it switches into straight sections of road that, while less steep, are painful reminders of how far you’ve got left to go. Reflecting on the number of months between me and peaking does little to reassure me that I’m ready for the climb. I haven’t even managed to reconnoiter the route and establish a race plan. Thinking about it, though, I realize it’s probably for the best, as recon will likely only result in the realization that having a plan will just make things worse.
I am, however, considering taking my Velomihottie’s climbing wheels and pumping her 19mm tires to 180psi in the hopes of reducing the amount of friction induced my my too-fat-to-climb ass. I’ve already removed one bottle cage, and I think I might remove the second; it’s not like I’m going to be taking any fluids on board. Quite the contrary: I’m hoping I don’t expunge a morning’s worth of food during the effort.
I suspect Bob might be an asshole.
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Le Frank in 12:59.
On beer: I'm sorry, but this is just not a ride for a Chimay. Chimay is for endurance and strength over distance. What you need is liquid bellyfire. This isn't even a job for Newcastle (that most versatile of training beverages). Hell, even PBR isn't the right choice here. What you need for this ride is a bendy straw and a bottle of miller high life. Insert the straw to the bend and fold it over the lip with your middle finger (pinky up; it's the champagne of beers). When the starter gives you the count down, tip the bottle up (air goes in through the straw, beer comes out through the hole) and slam the beer, hand the empty bottle to the starter, wink, belch, and go win. I've never done this because I don't race bikes, but it works every time...
12:24
Good luck, Mate.
So who's gonna go 1 minute, ala the Price is Right?
First place: Lang Reynolds - he's been the perpetual Jan Ullrich here...I think this might be his year, oh say...11:01
FRANK: He's still a few months from peaking, but he's got fresh legs and a stripped down R3...I'll bet a respectable 13:08
OK Frank, now prove me wrong and win the damned thing...
@all
I'm going to stay out of time predictions. Feels like a combination of jinxing myself and loading the dice.
That said, the following items are taken care of:
- New tires (Schwalbe Ultremos, the look mean as fuck)
- Brand-new Velominati/Obey the Rules frame decals have been applied.
- Full bike wash, drivetrain clean, lube
- Leggs freshly shaved and baxtered
- Facial hair will be left untouched in the morning
- Consumed 2 margaritas with a burrito for an early dinner
- Drank a few beers while working on bike from the Holy Chalice, the prototype Velominati pint glass
- Repeatedly told myself I can suffer like Merckx on Mt Velomis for 15 minutes (or less)
With preparation like that, how can you not go under 13 minutes?
12:59
Good luck bro...
10:35 for fucks sake. This is Frank we're talking about. He's a damn animal, unhuman, waxed sasquatch. He will win.
Warm up like a bastard, put those twisted bits of cotton up your nose like Eggtimer, but soak them in ether. or Ketamine.
Knock 'em dead.
Think of it this way:
You're going to be mashing the pedals so hard, that you won't move up the hill, rather the hill will move its pansy ass down so that it doesn't break.
Attack from the bottom, and don't stop attacking until you've crossed the finish. Make that little speedbump of a hill your bitch.
@frank
what the fuck, you've just contravened Rule #57. Besides which, you go to all that trouble of stripping the bike down only to go and add weight.
And I hope the new tyres have been "worn in". Never ride box-fresh rubber, unless it's the other sort of riding you're doing.
13.30*
*my VSP predictions have been waaaay out
@Jarvis
Au contraire, my friend. These are decals, not stickers. No violation. Stickers say things like, "My other wife is hooker" or something.
That said, I did consider the weight gain. I figured that, much like the additional ink used to emblazon the three Rules on the thigh of the bibs, having these decals would help in a motivational sense. Kind of like Cipo's naked-woman-on-the-stem tactic. Speaking of which, that's a clause for Rule 57 right there...naked people on the stem are an obvious exception.