Categories: Racing

The Pain Pool: Wading in Above the Waist

Cougar Mountain Time Trial Route

Posting on the Tour de Blast, Bob asked if any of us were doing the Climb of Death up Cougar Mountain in Issaquah, WA, a climb locals refer to as “Zoo Hill”. Like an idiot, I registered, and have set about preparing for the event by doing very little training and blocking the event from my consciousness. My long-term strategy was to forget about it and then call foul later when I “realized” I had missed the event. Were it not for the fastidious planning by race organizer Joel Blatt, my plan might have worked, too. Instead, his regular email communications and updates ensured that I was perfectly aware of the fact that the event takes place August 7th, and he even convinced me to lobby for my start position.

I’ve ridden the climb in training on many occasions, and it has never approximated anything resembling “enjoyable”. It starts off steep and stays steep for the first 1.5 kilometers. About halfway up, it switches into straight sections of road that, while less steep, are painful reminders of how far you’ve got left to go. Reflecting on the number of months between me and peaking does little to reassure me that I’m ready for the climb. I haven’t even managed to reconnoiter the route and establish a race plan. Thinking about it, though, I realize it’s probably for the best, as recon will likely only result in the realization that having a plan will just make things worse.

I am, however, considering taking my Velomihottie’s climbing wheels and pumping her 19mm tires to 180psi in the hopes of reducing the amount of friction induced my my too-fat-to-climb ass. I’ve already removed one bottle cage, and I think I might remove the second; it’s not like I’m going to be taking any fluids on board. Quite the contrary: I’m hoping I don’t expunge a morning’s worth of food during the effort.

I suspect Bob might be an asshole.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Aug 7 2010 at 1:58 pm

@Jarvis

Both are a picture/writing/design on paper that can be fixed to another surface. So a decal is a sticker and your a rule breaker...

If we make our classifications based on the "is a" relationship, then we're all well buggered, aren't we? The distinction between seemingly similar items, based on their subtle meaning within the world of cycling is what we do here at the Velominati, no?

Christ, if decals are stickers, then every rider is in violation unless they've sanded down their frames to the bare metal and painted over the frame in helium-based paint (wish I had some today). Certainly every sponsored rider who thus has logos on their frames are also in violation, and we know this isn't true.

Those are decals, not stickers. To the point, however, they are to be used in careful moderation. I went full hog, as Marko said (going full hog is what I do - otherwise this site wouldn't exist), but if I added even a single further decal to the frame, it would be overboard.

@frank too fat to climb well

Indeed. That reminds me, I think the Lexicon might have been born while you were busy becoming a father. You need to go over and start with Peaking in Two Months and go through (at least) "Climb Well for my Weight". You'll also gain a new appreciate of the fact that I'm now laying on the couch moaning about my guns. My cuticles feel a bit sore, so I may need to take a week or two off.

@Steampunk
I ate shitloads of electrolite stuff before the race to "avoid cramping" and at the 1/4 way point started to cramp. Christ, that stuff is shit. I eased off, and then fired off the guns later and crossed the line with zero in the tank.

That is a very hard climb. No question.
KitCarson says:

Aug 7 2010 at 4:30 pm

@frankWell, I feel your pain, man -- I'm there too, on the couch, guns in ruins, lounging in the pain pool, reading the blog, of course. Bummer about the cramps. Did you have a good, long warm up before you started?? Anyway, the Baxter's and the freshly shaved legs probably took some time off...
Marko says:

Aug 7 2010 at 7:37 pm

[album: http://filemanager.dutchmonkey.com/photoalbums.php?currdir=velominati.com/content/Reader Galleries/261281234983/|width=595|height=512]
frank says:

Aug 7 2010 at 8:08 pm

@all
Ok, the results just got sent out. My time was 14:04.5. I was really hoping for sub 13, but it is what it is and it was a fucking blast. Next year, I'll train for it and do it right.

I think one of the big mistakes I made was to "warm up" on the hill by doing it three times in the morning. The good news was I got some good course recon in, but it might have softened the guns a touch.

Interesting pieces of data:

I was 33rd. No placing of a Velominatus, that's for sure. Next year, top ten.

A 20 year old kid spanked the thing at 10:10, 43 seconds ahead of the next rider.

A 27 year old woman got 7th overall.

I got third in my age category, but a guy ten years my senior got third overall.

Full results:
http://velominati.com/content/2010-COUGAR-TT.pdf
pakrat says:

Aug 7 2010 at 8:25 pm

10:10 is smokin fast. That boy was hammerin at over 12 mph. Anyhow nice ride Frank. By the way, how much does your Cervelo weigh at race time?
Brett says:

Aug 7 2010 at 8:36 pm

Nice work Franky boy! Podium that shit!

You're only 34? Shit...
john says:

Aug 7 2010 at 10:57 pm

@frank
I bet the winner was a reedy little fuck. The results should be by weight not age then you really would know if you climbed well. Good on ya Frank. Your bike looks excellent too. I approve.
34? Why do you even talk to me? I can barely remember being 34. I think it was better than 55, pretty damn sure. sheeeit.
KitCarson says:

Aug 8 2010 at 10:32 am

@frankVery nice decals, Frank. I think that should quickly put to rest the decals vs. stickers issue. Are they going to become available at some point? They sure look great on the R3...
frank says:

Aug 8 2010 at 12:06 pm

@pakrat
She weighs in at 7.5 kilos or so...I can take further weight-saving measures, such as lighter bars, but it's not bad. My Velomihottie's R3-SL, with it's smaller size, is almost a kilo lighter.

Thanks all for the words of congrats. I think we all know these results are not adequate. Next year, I will go sub-13, mark my words. I will train properly and climb well for my weight.

Here is a pic of me at the finish; I did, however, sufficiently Rule 5 it, as aside from sore legs today, my rib cage and diaphragm are killing me. That's a good sign, I think.

Click for a bigger version

@KitCarson

Very nice decals...Are they going to become available at some point?

Absolutely. I'm finalizing a few products that will be availble soon...pint glasses, decals, and the shop apron, in addition to the t-shirt currently for sale.
Omar says:

Aug 8 2010 at 12:31 pm

That picture is a first-rate display of Rule 5.

Get it framed.