Categories: La Vie VelominatusRacingThe Hardmen

This Spells Rain

These cobbles don't stand a chance against little Lizzie A. Photo: Ashley Gruber.

For those of you with an interest in the subtle art of Paying Attention, you may have noticed a few things about my writing technique: apart from the inescapable fact that it is untrained and terrible, I make a habit of overusing the semicolon, a practice I started when I heard my third grade teacher tell me it was a substitute for any conjunction. That might not be what she said and it is definitely not correct; that’s what I heard and it stuck. I also capitalize every word that holds a personal meaning, a habit I co-opted from German where nouns are typically capitalized; it left an impression on me in terms of valuing words with importance. I took this principle and applied it according to my own whimsy, as I am wont to do, and now capitalize every important word, like “Cycling”, “Awesome”, and “Looking Fantastic”.

On that subject, can I just say 2016 Is Getting Off On The Right Foot. Het Volk (which I refuse to call by its correct name) saw two seriously legitimate podiums, with rainbows in both the men and the women’s races. I’m still not sure if the Saganwagon is wearing Rule #33 legs, but Lizzie pulled a Cancellara and just “accidentally” dropped the bunch to win the first continental race she competed in while wearing the rainbow bands. And both World Champions are wearing black bibshorts, something they had to gain UCI approval for. I have to say, a small part of me feels like our work here is done. Then Faboo and Lizzie crushed the gravel in the Strade Bianche. Then, Paris-Nice, which is a snoozer of a race as far as I’m concerned, loaded up today’s stage up with Chalk Dust Torture roads. Ohhellsyeah.

With how much V has been pouring out of the sport so far this season, this is trending well to be a strong year. Last year for Keepers Tour, we lived a dream by riding the cobbles in the rain and mud, but were once again disappointed to witness yet another dry Paris-Roubaix. This year will be different. Statistically speaking, this lies in favor of the law of averages. The rains will fall, the roads will be slick with silt, manure and mud, and the three will be indistinguishable to the rider chewing on the rooster tail of the rider in front.

I will commit an entire paragraph to point out that Tom Boonen is the only active Paris-Roubaix podium placer to have raced Paris-Roubaix in the wet, way back in 2002. He came in third. In truth, no one can call themselves a Cobbles Specialist if they haven’t raced the cobbles in the wet. That makes Boonen the King of the Cobbles of our generation. Even more so than Kenny.

So fuck yeah cobbles and fuck yeah rain. This can’t be another dry Cobbled Classics week in April. May the rains fall as heavy as the V.

VLVV.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Buck Rogers says:

Mar 8 2016 at 5:39 am

Frahnk!!! Jesus man! Did you really say "silt, manure and mud"? Fer fuck's sake man, I know that I am an illiterate moron but even I would have known to use the much more elegant turn of phrase "silt, SHIT and mud" in that context. (see what happens when I actually read an article around here)

Otherwise fucking great post! Also very important to note that Tommeke was third AFTER pulling Big George's Ass all over the cobbles all day before he did his usual stage dive into the trenches.

Fucking Tommeke, The MAN!!!
frank says:

Mar 8 2016 at 6:49 am

@bart

“Dutch and German where nouns are typically capitalized”

That’s German. Dutch doesn’t do that. First word of a sentence, names, stuff like that get’s capitalized.

Capitalizing Important Words is more of a Terry Pratchet thing. Or perhaps Thing. Be sure to see that as a compliment.

I'm basically illiterate in Dutch when it's late at night, apparently. Thanks!
Teocalli says:

Mar 8 2016 at 7:06 am

@bart

“Dutch and German where nouns are typically capitalized”

That’s German. Dutch doesn’t do that. First word of a sentence, names, stuff like that get’s capitalized.

Capitalizing Important Words is more of a Terry Pratchet thing. Or perhaps Thing. Be sure to see that as a compliment.

Yeah but be careful if it's THING you hear but it may be too late by then.
Ron says:

Mar 8 2016 at 8:08 am

Buck - not sure if you read the recent interview with Boonen where he said in that race...the Belgian fans were throwing beer on him because he as chasing Johan...and they didn't know who the fuck he was. Yet. With that shit USPS kit, they thought he was just another big ugly American. Classic.
Buck Rogers says:

Mar 8 2016 at 8:22 am

@Ron

Buck – not sure if you read the recent interview with Boonen where he said in that race…the Belgian fans were throwing beer on him because he as chasing Johan…and they didn’t know who the fuck he was. Yet. With that shit USPS kit, they thought he was just another big ugly American. Classic.

I have not seen that! Thanks, man! Great story!

Although my heart was broken this morning by cyclingnews reporting that Tommeke complained yesterday that the Paris-Nice stage should have been cancelled b/c it was "too cold and there was snow".

Now I have not seen confirmation of such supposed heresy by Tommeke but my entire world has taken a shock like a 6.8 earthquake (largest I have been in, in Seattle in 2001).
Ron says:

Mar 8 2016 at 8:46 am

Glad I could fill you in then!

I saw those comments too. I'm hoping: 1) he had just put up with a shit day and someone shoved a mic in his face and he let it fly 2) he was recalling crashing out in P-N last year and ruining his year, so he was extra pissed off about the conditions.

But yes, for me...they're getting paid handsomely to compete in a very hard sport, but one we wouldn't mind participating in for $ AND if guys could ride in the past with just some embro and a cotton cap, these lads with body suits of awesome kit should be okay.
Kevin says:

Mar 8 2016 at 9:07 am

@frank

Thank you for citing Chalk Dust Torture, one of Phish's greatest anthems.

This makes me very happy!

"But who can unlearn all the facts that I've learned

As I sat in their chairs and my synapses burned

And the torture of chalk dust collects on my tongue

Thoughts follow my vision and dance in the sun

All my vasoconstrictors they come slowly undone

Can't this wait 'til I'm old

Can't I live while I'm young?"
Haldy says:

Mar 8 2016 at 9:09 am

@1860

Look at the pic closely of Lizzie (besides the awesomeness)… she has the nr 13 but is so confident she didn’t put it upside down…… That is casually fantastic.

Casually Fantastic? That's an exceptional description! @frank- do we have a new sub category of Looking Fantastic here? I mean..When you Look so Fantastic..while belting out healthy doses of V...across the cobbles...in the rainbow bands...with a slammed stem...all while Casually ignoring Rule 13. Hmmm...
MangoDave says:

Mar 8 2016 at 9:38 am

@Buck Rogers

Frahnk!!! Jesus man! Did you really say “silt, manure and mud”? Fer fuck’s sake man, I know that I am an illiterate moron but even I would have known to use the much more elegant turn of phrase “silt, SHIT and mud” in that context. (see what happens when I actually read an article around here)

Maybe you missed it where Frahnk declared that he doesn't like to use profanity in the opening articles. Plus, he was too busy typing "fuck" to remember the proper term for manure.
Buck Rogers says:

Mar 8 2016 at 9:59 am

@MangoDave

@Buck Rogers

Frahnk!!! Jesus man! Did you really say “silt, manure and mud”? Fer fuck’s sake man, I know that I am an illiterate moron but even I would have known to use the much more elegant turn of phrase “silt, SHIT and mud” in that context. (see what happens when I actually read an article around here)

Maybe you missed it where Frahnk declared that he doesn’t like to use profanity in the opening articles. Plus, he was too busy typing “fuck” to remember the proper term for manure.

Ya, but I am pretty sure that he was drunk when he wrote that line about "not liking to use profanity" as that is the only explanation I could come up with for that craziness.

And besides, does "shit" even count as profanity these days???