Categories: La Vie VelominatusRacingThe Hardmen

This Spells Rain

These cobbles don't stand a chance against little Lizzie A. Photo: Ashley Gruber.

For those of you with an interest in the subtle art of Paying Attention, you may have noticed a few things about my writing technique: apart from the inescapable fact that it is untrained and terrible, I make a habit of overusing the semicolon, a practice I started when I heard my third grade teacher tell me it was a substitute for any conjunction. That might not be what she said and it is definitely not correct; that’s what I heard and it stuck. I also capitalize every word that holds a personal meaning, a habit I co-opted from German where nouns are typically capitalized; it left an impression on me in terms of valuing words with importance. I took this principle and applied it according to my own whimsy, as I am wont to do, and now capitalize every important word, like “Cycling”, “Awesome”, and “Looking Fantastic”.

On that subject, can I just say 2016 Is Getting Off On The Right Foot. Het Volk (which I refuse to call by its correct name) saw two seriously legitimate podiums, with rainbows in both the men and the women’s races. I’m still not sure if the Saganwagon is wearing Rule #33 legs, but Lizzie pulled a Cancellara and just “accidentally” dropped the bunch to win the first continental race she competed in while wearing the rainbow bands. And both World Champions are wearing black bibshorts, something they had to gain UCI approval for. I have to say, a small part of me feels like our work here is done. Then Faboo and Lizzie crushed the gravel in the Strade Bianche. Then, Paris-Nice, which is a snoozer of a race as far as I’m concerned, loaded up today’s stage up with Chalk Dust Torture roads. Ohhellsyeah.

With how much V has been pouring out of the sport so far this season, this is trending well to be a strong year. Last year for Keepers Tour, we lived a dream by riding the cobbles in the rain and mud, but were once again disappointed to witness yet another dry Paris-Roubaix. This year will be different. Statistically speaking, this lies in favor of the law of averages. The rains will fall, the roads will be slick with silt, manure and mud, and the three will be indistinguishable to the rider chewing on the rooster tail of the rider in front.

I will commit an entire paragraph to point out that Tom Boonen is the only active Paris-Roubaix podium placer to have raced Paris-Roubaix in the wet, way back in 2002. He came in third. In truth, no one can call themselves a Cobbles Specialist if they haven’t raced the cobbles in the wet. That makes Boonen the King of the Cobbles of our generation. Even more so than Kenny.

So fuck yeah cobbles and fuck yeah rain. This can’t be another dry Cobbled Classics week in April. May the rains fall as heavy as the V.

VLVV.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Mar 10 2016 at 8:47 am

@Kevin

@frank

Thank you for citing Chalk Dust Torture, one of Phish’s greatest anthems.

This makes me very happy!

“But who can unlearn all the facts that I’ve learned

As I sat in their chairs and my synapses burned

And the torture of chalk dust collects on my tongue

Thoughts follow my vision and dance in the sun

All my vasoconstrictors they come slowly undone

Can’t this wait ’til I’m old

Can’t I live while I’m young?”

I love the notion of there being a "Family Berzerker".
frank says:

Mar 10 2016 at 8:48 am

@asyax

Check out Cycling Tips photos of Strade Bianche – V^V

http://cyclingtips.com/2016/03/photo-gallery-2016-mens-strade-bianche/

Can’t paste photos in from work, but there are some crackers there!

I just keep loving Nibbles. Only Grand Tour contender that I'm seeing in those photos. The guy is a proper all-rounder.
Ron says:

Mar 10 2016 at 8:59 am

I'm coming out of the closet. I have Gun Envy directed towards Lizzie. There, I admitted it.
Buck Rogers says:

Mar 10 2016 at 11:28 am

@frank

@wilburrox

So Lizzie is what height? 167 cm ? And any guesses what size bike that is that she’s racing? A 49cm bike? It looks like a tiny little bike to me for someone her height. Maybe in part it’s the visual of the sloping top tube? And looks like end up with a stem at 13cm or something like that. I don’t know…

I guess when I was growing up as a kid I was always on a bike that was one size too big. I just got comfortable riding larger bikes. I’ve commented on this many times: pro’s sure seem to like little bikes.

Smaller bikes are lighter and stiffer. LeMond even talked about that in his original book, back in the early eighties. We’ve talked about that here at some point, in fact, someone even posted a photo of the page.

She’s 5’6 according to her wiki, and 126 lbs which I think is bullshit. But yeah, she is on a small bike, 51cm maybe from the looks of it, and a 12cm stem I’m guessing.

So she outweighs Quintana by a stone or two, eh?
Buck Rogers says:

Mar 10 2016 at 11:33 am

@frank

@Buck Rogers

+1 badge to Buck!

I’d only add Sean Kelly to the committee and give him a double vote for any tie-breakers.

Yes, definitely need King Kelly. Not sure how I left him off. Fucking king of the Bad-asses.

As for the 1+ Badge, thanks Mate. I never know if my fuck-laden rants are going to get me thrown in the penalty box or actually be somewhat coherent and add something to the conversation.

I'm sure I'll screw it up shortly and then you can move the badge on to someone else post-haste.
Beers says:

Mar 10 2016 at 1:01 pm

Wet and raining Milan San Remo 2 years in a row? Stage 11 of 2010 Giro on soaked gravel? Stage 5 2014 TDF? 2015 Wevelgem crosswinds? These all stick in my mind for adversity. I, like most of you, love races with anything that provides adversity. Massive cols, cobbles, gravel. Sprint stages bore me to tears, although I respect the fastmen of course, because they are so straight forward.

All those examples occurred recently. I'm not going to criticise riders who don't want to ride with the risk of hypothermia, or heat exhaustion. I think there is enough adversity in cycling already, without adding life risking medical conditions.

Sure, it happened in the past. But they used to use mercury to fix migraines, and smoke in planes, so not all fantastic ideas last the test of time eh?

The bunch riding at 36kph with a 190bpm heart rate? 4 hours at -3degrees and soaking wet? We're talking about potential for long lasting physical damage.

I love to see the peleton attack adversity. But I don't want anyone to die for my entertainment.
lunge says:

Mar 11 2016 at 1:21 am

@Ron

I’m coming out of the closet. I have Gun Envy directed towards Lizzie. There, I admitted it.

Damn straight, this pic is from the Worlds, it confirmed my belief that I'm happy to ride like a girl and have legs like a girl too, particularly if said girl is Lizzie. She's bloody awesome.
Ron says:

Mar 11 2016 at 9:36 am

Woah, that is exactly the corner where I watched some of the Worlds racing back in September. I guess smart minds think alike!

Great photo!