Categories: La Vie VelominatusRacingThe Hardmen

This Spells Rain

These cobbles don't stand a chance against little Lizzie A. Photo: Ashley Gruber.

For those of you with an interest in the subtle art of Paying Attention, you may have noticed a few things about my writing technique: apart from the inescapable fact that it is untrained and terrible, I make a habit of overusing the semicolon, a practice I started when I heard my third grade teacher tell me it was a substitute for any conjunction. That might not be what she said and it is definitely not correct; that’s what I heard and it stuck. I also capitalize every word that holds a personal meaning, a habit I co-opted from German where nouns are typically capitalized; it left an impression on me in terms of valuing words with importance. I took this principle and applied it according to my own whimsy, as I am wont to do, and now capitalize every important word, like “Cycling”, “Awesome”, and “Looking Fantastic”.

On that subject, can I just say 2016 Is Getting Off On The Right Foot. Het Volk (which I refuse to call by its correct name) saw two seriously legitimate podiums, with rainbows in both the men and the women’s races. I’m still not sure if the Saganwagon is wearing Rule #33 legs, but Lizzie pulled a Cancellara and just “accidentally” dropped the bunch to win the first continental race she competed in while wearing the rainbow bands. And both World Champions are wearing black bibshorts, something they had to gain UCI approval for. I have to say, a small part of me feels like our work here is done. Then Faboo and Lizzie crushed the gravel in the Strade Bianche. Then, Paris-Nice, which is a snoozer of a race as far as I’m concerned, loaded up today’s stage up with Chalk Dust Torture roads. Ohhellsyeah.

With how much V has been pouring out of the sport so far this season, this is trending well to be a strong year. Last year for Keepers Tour, we lived a dream by riding the cobbles in the rain and mud, but were once again disappointed to witness yet another dry Paris-Roubaix. This year will be different. Statistically speaking, this lies in favor of the law of averages. The rains will fall, the roads will be slick with silt, manure and mud, and the three will be indistinguishable to the rider chewing on the rooster tail of the rider in front.

I will commit an entire paragraph to point out that Tom Boonen is the only active Paris-Roubaix podium placer to have raced Paris-Roubaix in the wet, way back in 2002. He came in third. In truth, no one can call themselves a Cobbles Specialist if they haven’t raced the cobbles in the wet. That makes Boonen the King of the Cobbles of our generation. Even more so than Kenny.

So fuck yeah cobbles and fuck yeah rain. This can’t be another dry Cobbled Classics week in April. May the rains fall as heavy as the V.

VLVV.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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chris says:

Mar 9 2016 at 12:07 pm

@Buck Rogers

@I think that they ought to have a committee made up of Le Blaireau, Andy Hampsten and Ian Fuckin Stannard and if the majority of those three feel that the race should be called off, then do it

This should be appended to Rules 5 and 9. There'd never be another discussion about the conditions being to bad to ride.

Nipple Lube.
wilburrox says:

Mar 9 2016 at 1:05 pm

Who would want to race, let alone ride, w/potential for ice?? Not me that is for sure.
Oli says:

Mar 9 2016 at 2:34 pm

@wilburrox

They like the smallest frames they can get away with because they're lighter and stiffer.
asyax says:

Mar 9 2016 at 9:58 pm

Check out Cycling Tips photos of Strade Bianche - V^V

http://cyclingtips.com/2016/03/photo-gallery-2016-mens-strade-bianche/

Can't paste photos in from work, but there are some crackers there!
bart says:

Mar 10 2016 at 12:09 am

@Teocalli

@bart

“Dutch and German where nouns are typically capitalized”

That’s German. Dutch doesn’t do that. First word of a sentence, names, stuff like that get’s capitalized.

Capitalizing Important Words is more of a Terry Pratchet thing. Or perhaps Thing. Be sure to see that as a compliment.

Yeah but be careful if it’s THING you hear but it may be too late by then.

All caps is usually very bad, Pratchetticaly speaking..
Dom says:

Mar 10 2016 at 5:33 am

@Barracuda

One has to admire the not overly long bib shorts lizzie is rocking here, not to mention the correct length socks.
frank says:

Mar 10 2016 at 8:33 am

@Barracuda

@brett

@chris

Plan B… Brilliant!

Beat me to it, I like it, Lexicon maybe.

Yes, that might have to slip its way in there!
frank says:

Mar 10 2016 at 8:38 am

@wilburrox

So Lizzie is what height? 167 cm ? And any guesses what size bike that is that she’s racing? A 49cm bike? It looks like a tiny little bike to me for someone her height. Maybe in part it’s the visual of the sloping top tube? And looks like end up with a stem at 13cm or something like that. I don’t know…

I guess when I was growing up as a kid I was always on a bike that was one size too big. I just got comfortable riding larger bikes. I’ve commented on this many times: pro’s sure seem to like little bikes.

Smaller bikes are lighter and stiffer. LeMond even talked about that in his original book, back in the early eighties. We've talked about that here at some point, in fact, someone even posted a photo of the page.

She's 5'6 according to her wiki, and 126 lbs which I think is bullshit. But yeah, she is on a small bike, 51cm maybe from the looks of it, and a 12cm stem I'm guessing.
frank says:

Mar 10 2016 at 8:42 am

@Buck Rogers

@hudson

@Harminator

@Ron

Gotta believe the Paris-Nice directors heard Boonen ringing in their ears when they decided to cancel today’s stage…

Dunno about that. The French being influenced by Belgian whining? Pas probable.

Damn nonsense is what it is. Have we lost all the HardMen of the sport?

I have hard feelings on this one. I can understand the whole argument that “these are professional athletes paid millions of dollars a year to ply their trade and to put them at undue risk is an insult and not the right thing to do” but then the other argument is that they ARE fucking paid a shit-tonne of money (at least some are) for what reason??? To ride their fucking bikes!!! It is not like they are doing fucking brain surgery and the lights go out so you have to stop the surgery; it is riding a fucking bike. And, AND mind you, they have the right to fucking climb off their bike any fucking time they feel that it is TOO dangerous. That is partly why I will never get on the Sparty bandwagon. He is the fucking maestro of going all Nancy in the middle of a ride; whether it is too hot/too cold/too wet/too much for the Schlecks/etc. I think that they ought to have a committee made up of Le Blaireau, Andy Hampsten and Ian Fuckin Stannard and if the majority of those three feel that the race should be called off, then do it, but otherwise no one is forcing the riders to ride when they feel too cold/hot/panzy/scared and they can get off their fucking bikes anytime they want.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpqZgGHmjeE (cannot find the greatest post-race interview of modern times with Ian post-2010 KBK)

+1 badge to Buck!

I'd only add Sean Kelly to the committee and give him a double vote for any tie-breakers.
frank says:

Mar 10 2016 at 8:45 am

@Dom

@Barracuda

One has to admire the not overly long bib shorts lizzie is rocking here, not to mention the correct length socks.

Her style is impeccable. Top marks all around.