Zoo Hill Time Trial: Triple Dip into the Pain Pool
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks but you can grab a beer and watch that old dog do the same stupid thing over and over again, which is almost the same as a doing trick. On an unrelated note, I find myself, for the third year running, staring down the business end of the week approaching the Climb4Cancer time trial up Zoo Hill in Issaquah, Washington.
Zoo Hill is perhaps the most diabolical climb I know of, and I include in that statement the various cobbled bergs we tackled in Belgium this year, as well as the considerable heap of climbs around the US and Europe that I’ve had the great pleasure of hauling my too fat to climb carcass up. The trouble with this particular climb is the ferocity of the lower pitches which give way to a dead-straight final section of road consisting of ever-steepening rollers.
There is no keeping the powder dry on the ramps that litter the bottom half of the climb; this is an á bloc, stay-alive effort which serves to mop up speed and morale in equal measure. By the time you make the right-hand turn onto the sinister second half of the climb, your guns are fried and lungs hemorrhaging V resin. This section of road is nearly straight (which Science has proven is the most annoying kind of road to climb) and consists of a series of rollers which gain in gradient and culminate with the longest and steepest of them. This section is made physically daunting by the already-blown guns at your disposal, and mentally devastating by the fact that even if you could remember how many rollers there are in total, there is no way you can remember how many you’ve already sorted. (The answers are always “too many” and “not enough”, respectively.)
Riding this section during recon, it’s tempting to imagine moving Sur La Plaque and using the momentum from the short descents to fly up the next roller and thus dispatching with this comparatively easier section without much ado. Arriving here during the race, however, one faces an alternate reality consisting of legs reduced to quivering lumps of useless flesh, and rather than slipping into the big ring, ghost-shifting into a non-existent lower gear.
I look forward to my next attempt at bettering my time up Haleakala in Hawaii, which represents an unrelenting 60km ride from sea level to 3,000 meters, dished out in a massive four-hour helping of serial suffering. But I find nothing but dread in my heart when I cast my mind to the quarter of an hour of comprehensive pain I will endure on Saturday.
Donations Update
This event is organized to support cancer research with donations going to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center. The Climb4Cancer Charity has arranged for donation-matching; for those of you who donated prior to the event, your contributions were given in the name of the Velominati Community. Thanks to you all for your support.
YES! Good luck Frank, and I’m assuming G’rilla will be riding again as well. Make us proud!
Good luck, Frank!
Triple… with one ‘p’ my dear. You’ve been drinking too much Trippel.
I forgot what your time was last year but as I recall it was a pretty wet event. What’s the goal this year?
@ChrisO I believe this is the tird annual for Frank.
See you there Frank! This will be my third year too. FYI: last year we finished with identical times (14:19). What are you shooting for this time?
“…and rather than slipping into the big ring, ghost-shifting into a non-existent lower gear.”
Haha! Yep, done that many o’ times with a sudden realization that I’m screwed.
Also, and most importantly, this is an awesome description of how one feels when attempting the Zoo, especially the temptation (and impossibility) of shifting onto the big ring on the latter half of the climb!
@Marko
Been listening to Sean Kelly much on Eurosport this month?
Talking about steep climbs w/o any turns: the Passo di Fedaia in the Dolomites features such a section on its East side. Have you climbed this one before? And if yes, how did it feel in comparison to the Zoo Hill?
Go get em boys! I’m bummed I can’t come up and take part myself.
@mcsqueak, @Xyverz Thanks guys!
@ChrisO Next time I’ll just spell it with three p’s. I should abandon language altogether and just go back to hammer and chisel.
@RedRanger
14:14, which was slower than the year previous when I was much heavier. Disappointing result, but if memory serves, my time was proportionally less slower than the winner, so I used that fact to blame the rain. Looks like good weather is forcast for Saturday, so that should help.
My goal is to set the course record and break 10 minutes.
On the other hand, I’ll be happy with anything sub-14; 13:30 would have me downing pints like my life depended on it in celebration, starting immediately after the ride which I should finish around 10am.
@James
@RedRanger, @James is right. My time was 14:14 two years ago, 14:19 last year. My goals remain the same, though, despite this fact.
@James, the start list hasn’t been published yet, has it? I haven’t seen it. I will be pissed if you start anywhere within shooting range of me.
@grumbledook
I have not had the (dis)pleasure of doing that ride…The East Side of the Porte d’Aspet is also a real bugger in this regard, though its never quite dead straight. The last 4km average 17%, I think, which is really just not appropriate at all.
@scaler911
What’s stopping you?
@Frank last I heard the start times will be posted on Friday. I actually think it would be quite motivating for us to ride one after the other! My time in 2010 was also faster than the subsequent year. I think the rain slowed everyone down in 2011, but I have also been convincing myself that in 2010 we were blessed with a tail wind. A head wind in the long straight of the second half of the climb is vicious, particularly following an over-exuberant start…
Hey, where have we seen that lead photo before? Frank, you gotta get your personal moto and photog out more often to snap some new pics of ya!
Good luck! This sounds horrible.
Blowing up is such a crazy feeling. One minute you are on top of the world, the next you’ve been hit by The Hammer. Had this happen a few weeks ago in a fast group ride (race). Oh, I feel great. I’m going for it up this climb. Halfway up I was cooked. Ugh. A pal thankfully gave me a little push on the back and in such a situation anything helps.
How did it already get to be the middle of July? It’s supposed to be climbing season but I definitely feel Too Fat To Climb.
@Ron
Ha, funny. I thought I might have used it; and indeed you’re right. It was the lead photo for the Fatigue article back in March. This is actually from last years race so it seemed appropriate. But I may have to find another to replace this with…
@James
Ugh, I hadn’t even considered a headwind. Thanks for that. But is there any other kind of start to a hill ITT? In the words of Eddy, start as fast as you can, end as fast as you can. As for the middle, well, ride it as fast as you can.
Good luck Frank. I always follow your climbing exploits with particular interest. The Zoo and the Maui Ha-i’ll-kill-ya climbs are suffering that I’m glad doesn’t involve me. Any chance to get G’rilla to start before you?
Cool beans! Thanks for posting about this, Frank, as otherwise it would have slipped by me without notice.
I will see you there. Last year, I rode this event, and it was my first time up the Zoo Hill parcours. You’re right about that first bit, it kicked my ass.
Good luck guys! Sounds like a beastly climb. I can only imagine the pain involved in racing hills like these. May your reserves of V be plentiful.
@ Frank. Yes, over-exuberance is surely the name of the game. Reining oneself in seems so hard to do as thoughts of losing time and under-performing run constantly through the mind and force you to try to maintain what amounts to an unsustainable pace. It’s amazing how a climb like this changes when you ride it as part of an event and you really give it your all.
@mcsqueak
I’m running 23km in a stupid 24 hour relay race.
Then I’m permanently retiring from recreational group running races so I don’t miss important events like the Zoo Hill Time Trial.
@G’rilla
But you still did your hill repeats like a good little boy, didn’t you?
@G’rilla
What. I didn’t quite read that right. I think my monitor may be on the fritz.
You’re skipping a bike race to go RUNNING?
Oi. Maybe I should take your place at the Keepers Tour next year. Not sure you deserve to go again! Emoticon here.
@James
I can’t decide what the best tactic is for this climb. Hit the bottom hard and survive the top, or ride conservatively on the bottom and hit the top (slightly) harder? Its hard to say, because the first time I was shot by the time I hit the top and just limped in. The second time, I rode the bottom a little more carefully but was still fucked for the top.
I wonder where you lose more time, sucking on the steeps or sucking on the rollers. Ideally, one wouldn’t suck on any of it and I suppose that’s what the kid who keeps setting new records keeps doing, but that’s not my bag, baby.
@mcsqueak this is the second time I have heard of people skipping a bike event for a running event in Seattle. wtf is going on up there? shit better be squared away by the time I move up that way.
@RedRanger
I don’t know. Frank is losing control.
@Frank here’s my strategy: take it relatively easy the first few minutes up to the straight before that steepest corner on which the paparazzi snapped you, then just go for it. You get a slight reprieve on the straight before the right hander leading into the rollers, at which point you’re over half way there and can begin to think about all those celebratory beers.
Frank it’s the warm up you have to nail, to much and your jello to little and your molasas, just right and you can follow Eddies dictum…
Good luck, fly the freakin big V flag!
Frank, don’t we usually run some unofficial no points VSP trying to guess your time for this fucker? Well, I’ll kick it off and since you must still have a bit of form from this spring, and hopefully you’ve been hitting the hill repeats, and hopefully the weather holds, I am betting you break your record and record a 13:41. Game on!
@Buck Rogers
13:33, you gonna bring is Frank?
Next time I’m in town you really have to take me there.
@RedRanger
I’m thinking a la the volcano, the Dutch Monkey scrapes it in under the target. 13.56
Volcano? Did someone say volcano? Ah…wait for it… [end tease…]
best of luck Frank. 13:58
May the force be with you. 13:53
Good luck Frank, less than 14 mins in the pain locker well worth it for a noble cause!
@Buck Rogers
Alright – I’ll offer no VSP Points but a set of Handlebar Cufflinks to the person who gets closest to my time. The production ones will look better than these and they aren’t quite ready to go just yet, but when they are, they’ll be sent out.
Here’s what we’ve got so far. The ride starts at 9:00am on Saturday, Pacific Time.
@Buck Rogers 13:41
@RedRanger13:33
@Mikael Liddy 13.56
@roger 13:58
@girl 13:53
For me 13:02
Good luck Frank! 13:49.
you, sir, are hard like woodpecker lips. good luck and kick ass!
13:13 all the best Frank, have fun.
Frank, go hard, sur la plaque facktard, as they say.
13:22
*fucktard, I mean fucktard.*
PS…FUCKTARD
@frank Everyone’s got you shaving time off your previous efforts but the disappointment brought on by your pill popping namesake and the IPA therapy that followed has the making of un jour sans, 14:21.
If I get this as right as I’ve got the VSP you’ve got no worries and you’re probably eyeing a podium spot. Allez Allez.
You’re too fat to climb??? Holy shit, if YOU are TFTC I might as well just haul my blubber into a wheelbarrow and have a tank tow me around.
I’m gonna be optimistic for you and guess 12:58.
14:13
I’m gonna go for 14:02 due to technical difficulties. (Otherwise, 13:25 without)