Zoo Hill Time Trial: Triple Dip into the Pain Pool
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks but you can grab a beer and watch that old dog do the same stupid thing over and over again, which is almost the same as a doing trick. On an unrelated note, I find myself, for the third year running, staring down the business end of the week approaching the Climb4Cancer time trial up Zoo Hill in Issaquah, Washington.
Zoo Hill is perhaps the most diabolical climb I know of, and I include in that statement the various cobbled bergs we tackled in Belgium this year, as well as the considerable heap of climbs around the US and Europe that I’ve had the great pleasure of hauling my too fat to climb carcass up. The trouble with this particular climb is the ferocity of the lower pitches which give way to a dead-straight final section of road consisting of ever-steepening rollers.
There is no keeping the powder dry on the ramps that litter the bottom half of the climb; this is an á bloc, stay-alive effort which serves to mop up speed and morale in equal measure. By the time you make the right-hand turn onto the sinister second half of the climb, your guns are fried and lungs hemorrhaging V resin. This section of road is nearly straight (which Science has proven is the most annoying kind of road to climb) and consists of a series of rollers which gain in gradient and culminate with the longest and steepest of them. This section is made physically daunting by the already-blown guns at your disposal, and mentally devastating by the fact that even if you could remember how many rollers there are in total, there is no way you can remember how many you’ve already sorted. (The answers are always “too many” and “not enough”, respectively.)
Riding this section during recon, it’s tempting to imagine moving Sur La Plaque and using the momentum from the short descents to fly up the next roller and thus dispatching with this comparatively easier section without much ado. Arriving here during the race, however, one faces an alternate reality consisting of legs reduced to quivering lumps of useless flesh, and rather than slipping into the big ring, ghost-shifting into a non-existent lower gear.
I look forward to my next attempt at bettering my time up Haleakala in Hawaii, which represents an unrelenting 60km ride from sea level to 3,000 meters, dished out in a massive four-hour helping of serial suffering. But I find nothing but dread in my heart when I cast my mind to the quarter of an hour of comprehensive pain I will endure on Saturday.
Donations Update
This event is organized to support cancer research with donations going to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center. The Climb4Cancer Charity has arranged for donation-matching; for those of you who donated prior to the event, your contributions were given in the name of the Velominati Community. Thanks to you all for your support.
@eightzero
ahhh, he’s having us on. It’s a brand new casette and chain. Right? Please?
@Cyclops
@Cyclops
Nipple lube, gotta love mates like this.
I’m gonna say Frhonk put away four IPAs in 47 minutes after filling his arms with so much lactic acid that he can barely lift them from his sides. Girly t-rex arms had to use a straw for the first one and a half till he got his (still feeble but normal for a cyclist) strength back.
Is the official time in yet? haven’t seen it. Don’t think I in the frame for the cufflinks tho. Well played Frank sir.
Was Frank arrested at the finish after turning in a tainted sample or something?
@Buck Rogers Last I saw Frank he was whizzing down the hill having completed his run. The results were posted but now seem to be unavailable, so perhaps your suggestion of foul play isn’t amiss? For my part, I managed to smash my personal record and complete the course in 13.01, the sixth fastest time today. Sorry if this sounds boastful, but I’m mighty proud of my performance so there it is!
actually, here are the results: http://climb4cancer.net/ not sure what happened there
@James
STRONG work! Wow, amazing time!
According to the link his time was a 13:59 which napolinige nailed exactly!
OUTSTANDING job Frank and kudos to napolinige! Well done gentlemen!
Although these results are not offical until Frank says so!
I can just see Frank curled up in the fetal position at VHQ with an empty growler beside him.
Strong work, gents. Chapeau!
@eightzero, @Buck Rogers thanks guys. Like I said, I didn’t see Frank but your description sounds apt. I collapsed in the ditch at the end. It felt good. Superb event and apparently thousands raised for charity so even better.
Kudos to y’all! Good job!
@Mikael Liddy
So it seems like I was right about scraping in under 14 but gave the man too much credit!
2 Velominati in the top 25 sounds like a pretty good result. Chapeau to James for the top 10.
Frank your a beast, great time. Really have to respect you for laying it out there so publicly and comming through so consistently and looking good all the while!
Nicely done gentlemen.
@James
@frank
Good job men! Now what’s next?
OK, you guys have laid it on the line and publicly to your peers. While it is a little while until the provincial uphill TT, I am committing to do it right NOW. (Fuck, I had better check when the hell it is….) As well, I haven’t done a +200km ride in a few years. Like a FEW years. So, when I get back from the business trip I am on now, I will head out to do just that. First week of August, my VMH has put aside a day for me (I gotta check). On vera.
Chapeau!
@James
James, I hate you for climbing that hill so fast. OUTSTANDING EFFORT! Amazing.
I squeaked by with 13:59, falling short of my personal goal of going between 13:47 and 13:52, but at least it was sub-14. I’m sure glad I buried the pin on the last roller to eek out that last second. 14 flat would have sucked.
Strava was fucked because it had me sitting on the start line for two minutes and the time is jacked because of it, but if I figure out how to fix it, I’ll post it up.
Re: QR position. Rule #43 clearly states: It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning.
This is in fact the situation with the R3’s construction and the skewers I use; that as high up as they go. Even with the Campa skewers on my cobbles wheels, the skewer has to sit in this position, alas.
Next year, I aim to remember about this event more than a week in advance and train specifically for it. If I was going to pick an event that I am least naturally inclined to perform well in, it would be a short, steep, uphill ITT. Which naturally means I’m obsessed with this fucker.
Some photos from the ride.
[dmalbum: path=”/velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/frank/2012.07.22.15.55.51/”/]
Great job Frank and James, thanks for sharing the ride with us, what with the high probability of ridicule if you failed badly.
If anyone is looking for another hill climb TT in a few weeks, you should check this out: http://www.consystency.net/OBRA/OUCH/
Larch Mountain Time Trial, august 5th – 25k with ~1,100m of elevation. Not a bad grade, just long.
Well done boys.
@Frank Give me a little notice and I’ll come do this with you. I think I’ll be able to break the hour barrier.
gonna have to repay you grief for “the sacred art of communing with butterflies” with pointing out the commission of the centerline violation! Damned by your own pix!
Nice job!
Larch TT is a great event. I won’t be able to attend but its well worth the trip- beautiful scenery, big butterflies to give chase as well as wasps to eat for protein on such a sustained effort.
@frankThanks Frank, great job yourself, just making it to the top’s an achievement and to beat last year’s time is even better. That sucks about Strava. Having seen your stripped down machine I not only removed both bottle cages but also decided to run without my rule violating Garmin, thus forsaking any Strava glory for me too. That things weighs a lot, and I think not knowing my time and speed kept me focused on the job at hand.
@mcsqueak
This looks tempting. I’ll have to look into the logistics but I may be up for this, especially if others are.
@James
I rode it on my own a few weeks back, and the TT course took me 1:55, though I did stop at a lookout point for a few minutes to take some pictures and fill my water bottles. This was a 35 minute improvement over my ride from the summer prior.
Most of the times seem to be between 1:00 and 1:30 for the people competing, looking at previous year results.
@Dan_R
Next big ride for me will be the Mt. Baker Hill Climb, and then Haleakala in January before KT2013.
Well done both of you guys! Awesome efforts. Great time Frank! I’d like to be able to say there was some intelligence in my pick but apart from wanting you to set a PR but it was, of course. just dumb luck. Sorry you didn’t quite make your target but it will give you something to obsess about for next year.
@Buck Rogers
Nope, that’s just a freshly cleaned workup. Don’t stand for anything less, chaps. Keeping it squeaky clean like that will also extend the life of the lot.
@frank
Hope to see you and at least shake hands or prehydrate before the suffering begins.
…at Mt. Baker, of course. No damned edit function…
@frank
First of, congratulations on your time. 15 seconds off of your PB is a big improvement.
With respect to the QR, I guess our definition of what “upward” means is different. In my mind, it means “upward”. I think the obvious course of action is to get a bike that allows you to be compliant (and as a Keeper, I think you’re honour-bound to do so). In which case, I’d be willing to take the R3 off of your hands…
Nice one Frank and James, smashed it bros!
@frank
Regarding your pics, why take that corner so wide? Lose a couple seconds there maybe?
Well played Frank, well played. Hill climb races are beautiful. Is there any event that requires pure, unadulterated suffering for the entire duration?
Well done da botha youse. A PR for each and consolidated presence in the Pantheon.
@frank
Once you upload & save the ride there’s an ‘actions’ drop down menu where one of the options is Crop Ride. Click on that & you can move the start point to where you actually start moving.
@SuperFed
Because this is what the inside of the corner looks like.
@Collin
The Hour Record, which I’ll be doing later this summer as well. Forgot about that one.
@frank
you calling in the record keepers?
The Hour!
Excellent. I’m enjoying your suffering already.
@frank
You got a weekend picked out for that, big guy?
Juding from the pic of you standing next to the car, you must have a different model Land Rover than mine. Yours looks a lot lower.
Oh yes – and your steering wheel is on the wrong side.
The Hour? Look forward to seeing the track bike you get yourself. Go get a Bike Technologies frame – best one available.
@James
I’ll be there. Shooting for 1hr 5min. It’s a long sustained climb where when you think you’re done, it gets stepper. I gotta bed for any out of towners that want to do it. Frank and his VMH get dibs on the guest room.
@SuperFed
You should come down and do Larch (OUCH). You go uphill really well. It’s your kind of course from what you were telling me Saturday.
@minion The Hour? Will there be anothher informal VSP? If so, put me down for 60 minutes flat.
@scaler911
The last corner into the parking lot may be the most un-satisfying turn ever, because even that part is like 7%, so you just want to be able to hammer and “take it home”, but it leaves struggling until the very end.
@mcsqueak
No doubt.
@mcsqueak
for which we say thank you and amen!
@Marcus
I understand from LR that they sell taller ones to short people in order to further heighten their sense of inferiority
I’ll be borrowing a bike from the guys at Veloforma who are based in Portland. Cool company, and I’m excited to try their track steeds.
@mcsqueak
Not yet, seeing what works.
@scaler911, @mcsqueak, @gaswepass
You guys realize you’re talking about a 1-2 hour climb and complaining about a 7% ramp at the end, right? Even Haleakala has the sense to end in a final pitch of 17%.
@frank
OK cool, well hopefully it’ll be a bit further out into August. I’ll be out of town the weekend of the 9th, and I certainly want to be in town to scream insults uplifting words of encouragement while you suffer.
And regarding that 7% grade, yes I know it doesn’t measure up to Haleakala, but it’s the best I can muster up for a long steady climb that is accessible directly from my doorstep, without a drive. Sure there is stuff far steeper within Portland, but the elevation tends to top out right around 300m within the city.
@mcsqueak
Ah, stupid strikeout code didn’t work. That was supposed to be sneaky!
At any rate, I’m looking forward to seeing you give it the ‘ol college try!
@frank
Yes. However there are a few 13%+ bits along the way (tho not at the end). If you’re doing a TT up it, it will make you hurt. A lot.