Categories: Defining MomentsLook ProNostalgiaRacingThe Hardmen

Twistin Banged and Felled. And Got Back Up.

Vande Velde leads on the Stelvio. Photo: Steephill/Sirotti

As a byproduct of brakes being strictly for ornamental purposes, cyclists are often forced to find alternative means of stopping their bikes. As a matter of both convenience and effectiveness, the tarmac and other objects of greater mass than the sum of cyclist and bicycle are often employed for this purpose. Collectively, we refer to this process as “crashing” and typically frown upon its use at least as much as using brakes in the first place. While strikingly effective, the process involves several undesirable side effects including a loss of skin, blood, and equipment. It also inflicts some degree of pain. Though tragic when they occur, brain injuries are rare primarily because you can’t hurt what you don’t have.

Though his powers are weakening, if I was going to identify an authority in this process within the Pro Peloton, I might pick Christian Vande Velde or, as we know him by his Nomen Velominatus: Twistin Banged and Felled. After a career spent in the service of others, Christian rocketed to the top of the “We’ll Doom You With Our Unrealistic Expectations” list during the 2008 Tour de France when he flirted with a podium place before falling off his bike while going down a mountain. In 2009, he crashed out of the Giro d’Italia on Stage 3 and, being short on form due to his injuries, returned to the role of domestique for Brad Wiggins in the Tour. He might have fallen off again, but I’m not sure. Let’s assume he did, for sake of argument. In 2010, he decided that 2009 was so cracking, he’d try to repeat the formula and crashed out of the Giro on Stage 3 for the second year running. It was all going to plan until he mistakenly also crashed out of the Tour on Stage 2, during the infamous Stockeu oil-slick crash. Oh well, best laid plans and all that.

Amidst of all this brakeless stopping, however, Christian has experienced the aforementioned side-effects acutely. As a result, he has some serious back problems and was forced to grow a few special bones which he then broke just so he could hold the record for Most Broken Bones. He contemplated retirement several times, knowing the battle that waited before him as he lay injured in a hospital bed somewhere in Europe.

Coming back from injury is hard. I’m coming back from laziness myself, and even that’s hard. Going out every day, knowing you’re not as fast and strong as you were, knowing that all the work it took to get that strong and fast has been lost and all that suffering will have to be relived. It’s as maddening as it is demoralizing.

But each time, he gritted his teeth and fought back. When Cycling is in your blood, there is no other way. You may tell yourself you’ll quit, or that you’ll never do a ride again, but those things are just something your brain and body need to hear before they start something hard over again from scratch.

Twistin Banged and Felled, and got back up. And as his performance as Ryder Hesjedal’s super domestique in the closing stages of the Giro d’Italia testifies, it was a fight worth having. More than any of the attacks, sprints, victories and losses, the image that for me identifies the 2012 Giro is that of Christian on the front of the ever-dwindling bunch on its way up the Stelvio. Kilometer after kilometer, after kilometer: Christian with the throttle wide open. Ryder better have given him a special thank you gift from Canada, though I’m not sure what that would be. Miniature hockey stick, probably.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Jun 7 2012 at 2:52 pm

@snoov

I once mentioned (jokingly) to a guy on a chairlift at Big White that we Scots think of Canada as a province of ours. He didn't like it at all and asked me why it was the case. I asked him if he knew that many of the place names were Scottish for example Banff. "How do you know the Scottish one wasn't named after the Canadian one?" he queried. "Well ours has been there for much longer. I doubt if a place like Kicking Horse is ours though." Turns out though that a Scottish surgeon in a group looking for a railway route had been kicked in the chest by his horse during the expedition and that's where the name came from. I wonder if he checked it online that night like I did.

Brilliant. The second you said Kicking Horse, I thought that has to be part of the training in the Scottish Marshal Art of "Fook Yu!". Too classy for punching bags, you just go around kicking horse.

Brilliant, I love you crazy fucking Scots. So yes, Thank You.
frank says:

Jun 7 2012 at 2:53 pm

@sgt

I thought this little morsel belonged on this thread.:"Dull and Boring to Hook Up"
I'll be in Cascadia next week, may Merckx have mercy on me...

Proper Rule 9 weather ripping through the territory, mate. Cold too. You'll love it, you big SoCal pussy.

@Dan O

I tortured the family with Rush 2112 during breakfast a few weeks ago. Funny enough, the kids asked for a replay during dinner. "Attention all planets of the solar federation. We have assumed control"...

I'm coming back from laziness also, my lamest winter since, uh, last winter. Is it June already?

A few days a week of road and single track, climbing out of the hole. A 24 hour mountain bike race over Memorial Day weekend to really kick things off. Let the season begin...

Its OK Dan O, we can pretend like its still winter and get some good winter training in. Haven't you been outside today? Merckx-oh-me.
Nate says:

Jun 7 2012 at 3:28 pm

@frank, @sgt
As everyone in Santa Barbara knows, there is no such thing as bad weather, only the wrong gear.
versio says:

Jun 7 2012 at 3:39 pm

@frank

@Xyverz

Neil is an absolute master at maintaining tempo. Johnny was great for raw energy, but I'm still a Neil fan.

Neil is too fucking precise. Too much machine, not enough man. And, yes, Neil, we get it, you read Ayn Rand. Time to move away from the subject and write a song about fucking and self-loathing like all the other respectable bands.

Wearing your idiot fez perfectly.
Xyverz says:

Jun 7 2012 at 4:34 pm

@frank
Frank, let's just agree to disagree. I like his technicality AND his prose.

@Nate
LOL! We have some of the same up here, Nate. That and a good Training Wind most of the time.

@versio
WIN!
DerHoggz says:

Jun 7 2012 at 5:01 pm

@frank

@Xyverz

Neil is an absolute master at maintaining tempo. Johnny was great for raw energy, but I'm still a Neil fan.

Neil is too fucking precise. Too much machine, not enough man. And, yes, Neil, we get it, you read Ayn Rand. Time to move away from the subject and write a song about fucking and self-loathing like all the other respectable bands.

I don't think a "looser" drummer would fit in Rush.
Dan_R says:

Jun 7 2012 at 5:25 pm

@Steampunk

@pistard & @mouse:
I'll drink to that. Although I now live three time zones to the east, I'm a fervent Cascadian. No finer place on the planet.

@minion
Here's a little lesson about Canadia.

@Tobin
I'm coming to terms with the fact that Canuck mediocrity is the last vestige of my youth. If they actually won the Stanley Cup, I don't know what I'd do. Maybe I'd start cheering for the Norwegian hockey team or something. But even that sounds a bit crazy...

Nice. I am a huge fan of the American News outlet, The Onion. It expalins to me the insanity of American politics.

Last time I was in the US, I was a store that had over 25 different types of Coke. It was awesome.
Dan_R says:

Jun 7 2012 at 5:28 pm

@frank

@Marko

Which I suppose is Canadian in and of itself. Think about being offended then be reminded you're a doormat and laugh at yourself.

This also draws into sharp relief the fact that Minnesota, by and large, is more Canadian than it is American. But without the good health care. And with much better beer.

You've obviously not had Fort Garry Pale Ale...
frank says:

Jun 7 2012 at 5:34 pm

@Nate
You mean 15 or 30 SPF?
frank says:

Jun 7 2012 at 5:40 pm

@Dan_R
I don't need to have tasted it. Hands down, the best beer I've had is Surly.

@Xyverz
Its not the content, mind you - I've read every Ayn Rand book I've been able to get my hands on, though I might upset the apple cart by saying that Anthem is the best of her works (I also am not an Objectivist nor do I agree with a lot of what she says) - its the blatancy of the lyricism. It fits with his drumming style, though. All very precise, with little error. I like a lyric with some mysticism, one that leaves a little to the imagination to say, "I wonder what they meant my that." I would name Chris Cornell as the best modern lyricist.