Velominati Super Prestige: 2011 Le Tour de France
While a good number of Velominati get all uppity around May and make rash statements like their preferred Grand Tour is the Giro d’Italia, because it has more and bigger climbs, beautiful white roads and crazy tifosi, there’s no denying that Le Tour de France is the real grandaddy of them all.
Admit it, July trumps May every time.
Maybe it’s because of the greater media attention, or the fact that there’s bound to be a controversy, but I for one look forward to this time of year with a fervour that has myself and others residing in the lower half of the world consuming inhuman amounts of caffeine and staving off sleep deprivation for 21 days on end, without question or cause for concern. It’s all about the bike (race) and nothing else really gets a look in. Job? Ah, we can do that blurry-eyed and with concentration levels that are probably below safe standards if operating heavy machinery. Or even computers. In fact, operating a computer becomes the central task of the day, as we check results, reports, the topography and distance of the next stage, and of course our VSP standings.
Which brings us to the Blue Riband event on the 2011 Velominati Super Prestige; Le Tour de France. Who will be resplendent in the Maillot Jaune after three weeks of high-pressure tipping, rest-day swaps and bonus stage picks? Have we seen the last of Steampunk’s yellow reign of terror? It’s time to peak, to climb well for your weight, and move Sur La Plaque to the top of the VSP. Study the guidelines (with a grain of salt, as whatever we say here overrides the guide, so ask if you’re not sure), respect the Piti Principle, and enjoy the next three weeks of the greatest show on earth. As usual, get your picks in by 5am Pacific time on Saturday morning. If you wait until the last moment and bugger it up, don’t come crying, just wait until the first rest day with all the others who pulled a Delgado.
Brett’s Take:
As a Keeper, my own tips don’t count to any jerseys or prizes, so this Tour I think I’ll tip with my heart rather than my head; it’s let me down enough this season anyway, so any ‘logic’ or ‘knowledge’ is to be discarded and replaced with ’emotion’ and ‘taking a stab in the dark’. In fact, I might even target the KOM this time around, try and get in some long breakaways and pick up points over the smaller cols while none of the big contenders are paying any real attention. Yeah, channel the spirit of JaJa, Reeshard and the Chicken. Better get me some juice.
Taking the heart over head approach, I have to say that this is going to be the year of an upset. It’s there for Cadelephant to take. The cards are all falling for him; Cont Of The Highest Odor will fade in the last week, spent from his Giro and without a reliable supply of prime beef to call upon; Grimplette, while he may have been foxing in Switzerland, just doesn’t have the firepower to match it with Cuddles or COTHO against the clock, and hasn’t got the mental capacity to attack in the mountains. Wiggins, Gesink, Grimpelder… they’ll be fighting for scraps.
It’s a three horse race, this one, but at last count there’s only three steps on a podium.
Marko’s Take:
Recently on these pages we’ve at once lamented the loss of the all-rounder GC contender and derided the formulaic predictability that “well-rounded” riders in the modern peloton employ to win races. All the names at the top of the Giants of the Road list, however, excelled at one thing, winning the biggest sporting event in the world. But it isn’t climbing prowess, time trialling efficiency, tactical sense, and winning ability alone that endear riders to us. If it was it would be way easier and really boring to be a cycling fan. So what is the difference between a guy like say, LeMan and a guy like Armstrong? Panache. What we’ve lost isn’t a type of rider but a style of rider. Rather what we’ve lost is panache. If, in the modern day, being a douchenozzle or belladonna means panache, so be it. But if doping scandals and bro-mances make you yawn, keep in mind there is a lot of bike racing going on in le Grand Boucle.
So I ask, where’s the panache as far as GC contenders go? Cuddles (may have blown his panache wad last year), Le Petit Grimpeur (no panache), Sammy Sanchez (panacheicito), Basso (panached-out), Horner (Mcpanache), JVDB (panache-a-be), CVDV (pa-crash), Veino (panachenozzle), and Ryder (trying to get all the Canadian panache that Don Cherry has been hogging for the last 30 years). For me, other than Cuddles, Veino, and Ryder it’s hard to get really excited about any of the GC contenders. But alas, I will not vote solely with my heart like my Aussie bro in New Zealand. I will do my best to garner points for no other reason than pride as I don’t get shit for winning either.
So then, now that I’ve gotten all pessimistic about the GC, what am I looking forward to? Panache, fucktards. I wanna see Faboo tow Frandy through the TTT for Leotard Schleck (thanks Dr C) and then make some perfect amount of dumb remark afterward. I wanna see Cavenisgrowingonmedish win some sprints. I wanna see Farrar beat the Manx Mouth in some sprints or cry trying. I wanna believe in the Rainbow Jersey again. I wanna see if Tomeke still has what it takes. I wanna see Jens hurt EVERYBODY. I wanna see some Russian or Spanish dude I’ve never heard of have the ride of his life and shed some tears on the podium, and I wanna see Gilbert on a long solo break on his birthday get himself a stage win and maybe even the yellow jersey for a bit.
The reason this race is so cool is there are so many races within the race. Sure, you betcha, get drawn into to GC drama but don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees. There’s a shit-ton gonna happen in the next three weeks and it’s gonna be good.
Gianni’s Take:
Burned from the all too predicable days of Pharmy, I just don’t care that much about the yellow jersey, Contador or a Schleck – ahhhh, who cares, skinny little bastards. I’m all in for the drama hidden within each day’s race. A stage win in the Tour can make a rider’s career and every stage has unscripted drama: Stuey O’Grady finishing the stage within the time limit, riding in from 100km out with a broken collar bone. Or Magnus Backstead riding in by himself, dropped in the small mountains, finishing beyond the time limit, his number peeled off his jersey and he is ruined. These things happen every day in the Tour.
I like a good spoiler, like Eros Poli on Mount Ventoux, or the spoiler small break that stays away when the last 40km is a high speed tailwind run, ruining a day for the sprinters. I like Rik Verbruggen, flat back, so aero on his bike, hauling ass, a crazy solo bid for glory. I want to see more of that. I would be thrilled to see one of the Garmin roulers win a stage, and I’ll be thrilled if HTC doesn’t win the TTT.
I can schleckulate about a few things: unless Contador and Cavendish get their front wheels tangled up together resulting in a horrendous career threatening crash, both Andy Schleck and Tyler Farrar are doomed. I’m sorry, Andy can’t go fast unless it’s a steep hill (up) and no one is as good a sprinter as Cav, by a lot. Then again, if my schleckulations were worth anything, I wouldn’t be down in the boggy hole that is the low end of the VSP results.
Frank’s Take:
Every year, it happens. Every single year. It has a bitter taste, Disappointment. It sits on the front of your tongue like a small black weight that is surprisingly heavy for its size. Even though you’re not swallowing it, the taste spreads throughout, slowly – into your jaws first, then the rest of your being.
With one exception, I have never had my chips down for a rider who ended up winning – not since 1990, when I was all-in for Greg LeMond. 1991-1995 was Indurain: I favored first Bugno, then Rominger. 1996: Virenque. 1997: Virenque. 1998: Pantani; it was a long shot, but the awesome little dude pulled it off for once in my life. 1999: Zulle. 2000-2004: Ullrich. 2005-2006: Basso. 2007: The Chicken. 2008: Frank Schleck. 2009-2010: The Grimplette. But I continue to favor the dark horse because I know that when I am redeemed, it will be glorious beyond articulation.
This will be that year. Not because I will change my tactic, but because this is the one for les Fréres Grimpeur. It’s a hilly enough race with enough uphill finishes – we all know the skinny boys have a challenge when the road points down. (You’d really think that with all that practicing they do going uphill that they’d occasionally get a chance to practice going down one as well, but those boys descend like first-year amateurs.) Bertie blew the guns at a very difficult Giro and all the Spanish Beef in the world can’t help you recoup from that kind of effort in time for a similarly difficult Tour. Cuddles is a pipe dream borne from the understandably optimistic thoughts from our antipodal brothers and sisters in Oz and Newz. Wiggo, Vande Velde, Gesink, and Van den Broek will all learn how hard it is to pull out a good Tour ride for a second (or first) time when the pressure is truly on.
I’ve also vowed not to get caught up in my propensity to dwell on the fact that Contador should not be in the race. The fact that a rider who failed a dope test in last year’s Tour has been allowed to start is a reflection of the ineffectiveness of Cycling’s governing bodies, not on Bertie. True, I hate him and would be happy to see him not start, but if I were in his shoes, I admit that would start if I was allowed to. And, lets face it: Andy’s win will mean more when it comes with the defeat of Alberto than with a nonstart.
@Minion
Tutus and white cycling shorts are pretty much the same. Black is the new black.
“your glasses are silly.” “your glasses are silly.”
Nice one, heath!
I LOVE seeing these guys roll along chatting. Today they showed Cancellara and Thor chatting it up as if they were just two pals out on a training ride. Ha, imagine if your training pal was the World Champ?! Shots like that one remind you that at heart we’re all the same in the sense that the ultimate stoke for us is being in the saddle.
I’d sport either pair of those glasses.
Minion – I’ve been to Oz, NZed, and Tassie. When I was in Tasmania I thought to myself, “This place is about as much like Australia as Hawaii is like the continental U.S.” Awesome place, nothing like anywhere I’ve ever been.
@Marcus
@Steampunk
+1 to both comments. Clenby Craziness? That’s funny, though I believe Contador isn’t “ridin’ dirty”, as the kids would say…
And I gotta say, of all of the classification jerseys in Le Tour, how absolutely badass is the King of the Mountains jersey?!? Naturally, I’d wear any one of them, but that one? The most visually stunning of them all. With the climbs still ahead, this year’s king will totally earn that jersey.
@Ron
Yeah, they should probably keep it. Only place it rains in the whole country, though if they wanted to lend it to us for month or so every year we’d gladly claim their cyclists as Kiwis.
‘Nuff said…
@minion
Guess you kiwis musta missed out on hearing about the Queensland and Victorian floods earlier this year?
@drsoul
I can’t see your face, so I can’t tell if you’re saying that with a straight one or if you’re taking the piss…
@frank
…and I thought the orange in the V-kit was a Dutch thing. Heigh-ho.
@brett
You have the same mousepad as I do, sweet!
All this focus on Steakolero’s salute has distracted from Cadel’s.
Did he give “thumbs up”? Double pistols? Or just a shoulder shrug as he passed the line?
@G’rilla, Steephill.tv posted a great shot of Bertie’s salute, seems he was celebrating a wee bit early. Poor Cuddles looked shot, no juice in that guy!
Other than celebrating too early, you know what else Alberto is doing too early? Wearing yellow sunglasses. Tool.
@Jeff in PetroMetro
Point taken about the Lance crowd… you’ll get no argument from me about them. Thankfully I think most of them would steer clear of the V because there’s too much reality written here. Put simply you all tell it like it is, and many cycling fans can’t deal with that.
Just re-watched the last 5k of todays stage and it only got better the second time. I can’t help but think AC and Andy are on the same side of the bell curve and Cuddles is on the opposite. The former two riding into form whilst Evans may be at his best. Hope I’m wrong.
Ahhhhhhh! Relief.
@il ciclista medio
Awww! I want one!
@minion
You can’t have Tassie for the following reasons
1. We aussies coined the phase “Map of Tassie” for the rest of you, look at what Tassie looks like on a map. Would hate to have to say it in a NZ accent.
2. They make the best beer. If you NZ’ers took ownership I would have to drink imported beer, making me a bit of a twatwaffle
3. We like to claim ownership of anyone or anything who is doing something good and not let it go, so Julian Dean and Hendo are now Aussies. We don’t let others claim ownership of our stuff. (Does not play well with others…:P)
4. We like to give S#$T to Kiwi’s so why would we give you Tassie.
@Xponti
The figurative Map of Tassie is pretty meaningless to anyone under 30 due to the “de-forestation practices” which have been adopted across the globe in the last 10 or so years…
@LA Dave
Shut your pie-hole yankie!
How’s that for good natured ;)
I shall enjoy my day in the maillot jaune.
Great finish that held 3 surprises for me: 1) Thor has redeemed himself after the hammer/wig debaucle; 2) Clenbutador isn’t eating as much steak as he was in the past (especially the Giro) and 3) Leopard Trek was leading Grimpeur the Elder out, not Andy! When I saw Cancellara ushering them in, I was surprised to see Frank at the end of the train, with Andy just ahead. It looked strategic, i.e. maybe Leopard Trek wants Frank to get a chance to wear the maillot jaune for a day or two, while Andy builds up his form. I don’t think Andy’s worried about his time loss yesterday and I think he’s showing good form. Bertie, on the other hand, is not. That gives me untold amounts of feelgoodness.
@brett
+10
For anyone with Jani Brakesabit in their picks, he’s just dropped out due to a crash; the DNF list has been updated, meaning you will have until 5am tomorrow to update your picks with a replacement. You are eligible to change all five picks, but remember that the Piti Principle applies.
@D-Man
We’re y-a-n-k-e-e-s. Like the New York Yankees, the team which should also be referred to as The Evil Empire.
Tommy “The V” Oekler off the front! The cheeky monkey!
What a crash fest today.
That Katusha team loves the arm warmers don’t they?
2k left…. Tommy. Fuckin. V. Just caught.
Yuss, Cav!
@Oli
The impressive thing about him is that he can win from a train or win alone. I thought he was out of it, but he really drilled it in the last 50m. Very, very impressive stuff.
@frank
Yes, no giving up and complaining afterwards; he just threw down some V and got the win. A more mature Cav, it seems.
And Boasson Hagen: take that, Shingles! That was a big move, albeit doomed.
If some had doubt about lack of V in Voeckler, he just showed us he actually have a shit load of it. As for the sprint: I WANT EVERYTIME SPRINT LIKE THAT!!! They are awesome, the last kilometer was just crazy, much better than a bunch sprint waiting the final 100m to start. And Steakolero crashed ??? Couldnt care more, i don’t want to see him ruin a very exciting Grand tour like this year Giro. And why not give a special jersey to the combative one like completly red one. They just seem to make the race a whole lot more exciting each time. The new IS are also very well thought of. IF the first week is the most boring of all week, there should be alot of firework in the mountains.
So much V on display today. First, Boonen was clearly suffering after his crash yet raced on. Jeremy Roy and Thomas Voeckler gave it loads at the end (I think Roy has attacked just about every day) and then TV went alone. No wonder the French love him. (Also makes the love shown to Virenque all the more puzzling) Finally, despite obvious problems with the HTC train, Cav didn’t give up (as he has done in the past when a chance for a win has evaporated) and really pulled one out. I mean, he was what, 7th, 8th, with 100 m to go?
Also, is it just me, or does everyone look like they’re hurting and suffering more than in the recent past? Maybe things are (hopefully) getting cleaner.
@Godsight
This.
BTW, I don’t think anyone around here doubts little Tommy’s V. When Roy sat up and Tommy took another dig, I was out of my chair (I have to keep the noise down in my office, however). I knew he’d get swept up, but I have to admire that kind of dogged determination. To quote Teddy Roosevelt:
Got tossed off of the Eurosport feed & it switched to France 2 t.v. Apparently Cav speaks Italian (has a house there, right?) but not French. But Thor speaks French. Nice.
WILD finish! These past two days have caused my heart to stop. So many attacks, so many possible winners. On Eurosport they were calling Goss. I thought, “That doesn’t look like Goss.”
Who’d have thought Phil Gil & Cav would race for the same line?! Not quite the same rider.
Missed many of the crashes, out riding with a friend. I hope Boonen made the cut. Jeez…grimacing, bloody, ripped kit…but in the drops and drilling it. Hardman!
@frank
Yep. Kid’s growing on me. Never doubted his abilities, but he’s showing more character and even a little class. His twitter feed is fun, too.
And that Gilbert character can really hammer it. Okay, so he went much too early, but that was one hell of a sprint from way out and he almost got the job done.
@Ron
Unfortunately cn is reporting that Tomeke may be done. Hope not, he definitely put in some hard work today.
ciao, was that mcewen or cavendish?
@sgt
Watching Boonen on the ground and chasing back was painful to watch. Feeling bad for the guy for sure.
YES!! Take that you motherfuckers!!
…ahem..sorry. I mean, splendid. Jolly well done Mark. Bravo what what.
Pardon? Tyler who?
Stage 5 crash report
Didn’t know Chavanel hit the deck too… will be interesting to see this year’s cool bandages (plasters for you Queen’s English users) tomorrow…
ref Chavanel – “In the fall I also hit my head and broke my helmet,” Chavanel said. “The consequences could have been much worse. Tomorrow morning I’m lining up for the start as usual, but it’s obvious that tomorrow I can look forward to a day of suffering.”
Loadsa “V”
so much for a ‘its all over’ when Cuntoder shows up to the prom
man, this is a race, the nerves are palpable, but i guarantee you its not over yet. St 12 is when she gets very interesting. Oh how i hope cuddles shows up every day.
@Souleur
I reckon! I’m trying to imagine scenarios where Contodor can win this race, but with each stage the scenarios get, well stranger and stranger, especially since he rarely rides within cooee of any team mates. If he does win this it’ll be very impressive because he won’t have had it all go his way, but also perhaps he decided to lay off the steak this year (too much risk) and that’s levelled the playing field. Cuddles is going to ride the race of his life I reckon, even if he doesn’t win it’ll be one for the grandkids.
Well done Cavendish, I was quite surprised at the makeup of the top ten – nobody else in there had the kick to come round Gilbear? (Griepel I’m looking at you, I want you to go toe to toe with Cav since the bad blood should make life interesting…)
Wow, I somehow missed the Don Cherry inclusion, Marko. FUCK, I love that guy. I watched the CBC broadcasts of all the Stanley Cup games just to see his “Coaches Corner” in between periods. Oh, and John Emerick is really annoying.
So what’s going on with Feillu? The guy seems to be in the mix a lot lately.
@Ron
I’m glad someone enjoyed it enough to comment. I only threw it in there because the only other Canadian I could think of with panache other than Bauer and Steampunk was Don Cherry.
@paolo
tyler was indeed there, only 96 places behind cav.
Marko, Don Cherry is so awesome. At some point when I was younger I saw a Don Cherry “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em” video and I thought, “Who is this guy?!”
He’s just so natural, a one-of-a-kind and he’s just himself and doesn’t care what people think. His (mis)pronunciations of so many names…gold! He’d be awesome even without his suits or his hockey knowledge.
I’d love to see Cherry call tomorrow’s race with King Kelly!
I dislike most American sports (NFL, NBA, MLB) for the obvious reasons, but a main one is how businesslike so many of the player are. The interviews are torture.
“At the end of the day (insert something)…”
“It is what it is (insert something)…”
Give me panache!
@Xponti
re: 1. Mup uf Tuzzeh?
Finally reached my TdF limit last night (broadcast 11pm to 4am here in NZ). Closed my eyes with TV in the lead, and opened them to replays of Cav winning. Must have been visited by aliens. Then went out for 90 minutes of hill repeats starting at 6:30am, then off to work. And it’s winter here. That must have some V value.
Like the rest of you, I’m loving this Tour! Keen to see Thomas De G do some attacking soon. That boy has class.