Velominati Super Prestige: 2011 Le Tour de France
While a good number of Velominati get all uppity around May and make rash statements like their preferred Grand Tour is the Giro d’Italia, because it has more and bigger climbs, beautiful white roads and crazy tifosi, there’s no denying that Le Tour de France is the real grandaddy of them all.
Admit it, July trumps May every time.
Maybe it’s because of the greater media attention, or the fact that there’s bound to be a controversy, but I for one look forward to this time of year with a fervour that has myself and others residing in the lower half of the world consuming inhuman amounts of caffeine and staving off sleep deprivation for 21 days on end, without question or cause for concern. It’s all about the bike (race) and nothing else really gets a look in. Job? Ah, we can do that blurry-eyed and with concentration levels that are probably below safe standards if operating heavy machinery. Or even computers. In fact, operating a computer becomes the central task of the day, as we check results, reports, the topography and distance of the next stage, and of course our VSP standings.
Which brings us to the Blue Riband event on the 2011 Velominati Super Prestige; Le Tour de France. Who will be resplendent in the Maillot Jaune after three weeks of high-pressure tipping, rest-day swaps and bonus stage picks? Have we seen the last of Steampunk’s yellow reign of terror? It’s time to peak, to climb well for your weight, and move Sur La Plaque to the top of the VSP. Study the guidelines (with a grain of salt, as whatever we say here overrides the guide, so ask if you’re not sure), respect the Piti Principle, and enjoy the next three weeks of the greatest show on earth. As usual, get your picks in by 5am Pacific time on Saturday morning. If you wait until the last moment and bugger it up, don’t come crying, just wait until the first rest day with all the others who pulled a Delgado.
Brett’s Take:
As a Keeper, my own tips don’t count to any jerseys or prizes, so this Tour I think I’ll tip with my heart rather than my head; it’s let me down enough this season anyway, so any ‘logic’ or ‘knowledge’ is to be discarded and replaced with ’emotion’ and ‘taking a stab in the dark’. In fact, I might even target the KOM this time around, try and get in some long breakaways and pick up points over the smaller cols while none of the big contenders are paying any real attention. Yeah, channel the spirit of JaJa, Reeshard and the Chicken. Better get me some juice.
Taking the heart over head approach, I have to say that this is going to be the year of an upset. It’s there for Cadelephant to take. The cards are all falling for him; Cont Of The Highest Odor will fade in the last week, spent from his Giro and without a reliable supply of prime beef to call upon; Grimplette, while he may have been foxing in Switzerland, just doesn’t have the firepower to match it with Cuddles or COTHO against the clock, and hasn’t got the mental capacity to attack in the mountains. Wiggins, Gesink, Grimpelder… they’ll be fighting for scraps.
It’s a three horse race, this one, but at last count there’s only three steps on a podium.
Marko’s Take:
Recently on these pages we’ve at once lamented the loss of the all-rounder GC contender and derided the formulaic predictability that “well-rounded” riders in the modern peloton employ to win races. All the names at the top of the Giants of the Road list, however, excelled at one thing, winning the biggest sporting event in the world. But it isn’t climbing prowess, time trialling efficiency, tactical sense, and winning ability alone that endear riders to us. If it was it would be way easier and really boring to be a cycling fan. So what is the difference between a guy like say, LeMan and a guy like Armstrong? Panache. What we’ve lost isn’t a type of rider but a style of rider. Rather what we’ve lost is panache. If, in the modern day, being a douchenozzle or belladonna means panache, so be it. But if doping scandals and bro-mances make you yawn, keep in mind there is a lot of bike racing going on in le Grand Boucle.
So I ask, where’s the panache as far as GC contenders go? Cuddles (may have blown his panache wad last year), Le Petit Grimpeur (no panache), Sammy Sanchez (panacheicito), Basso (panached-out), Horner (Mcpanache), JVDB (panache-a-be), CVDV (pa-crash), Veino (panachenozzle), and Ryder (trying to get all the Canadian panache that Don Cherry has been hogging for the last 30 years). For me, other than Cuddles, Veino, and Ryder it’s hard to get really excited about any of the GC contenders. But alas, I will not vote solely with my heart like my Aussie bro in New Zealand. I will do my best to garner points for no other reason than pride as I don’t get shit for winning either.
So then, now that I’ve gotten all pessimistic about the GC, what am I looking forward to? Panache, fucktards. I wanna see Faboo tow Frandy through the TTT for Leotard Schleck (thanks Dr C) and then make some perfect amount of dumb remark afterward. I wanna see Cavenisgrowingonmedish win some sprints. I wanna see Farrar beat the Manx Mouth in some sprints or cry trying. I wanna believe in the Rainbow Jersey again. I wanna see if Tomeke still has what it takes. I wanna see Jens hurt EVERYBODY. I wanna see some Russian or Spanish dude I’ve never heard of have the ride of his life and shed some tears on the podium, and I wanna see Gilbert on a long solo break on his birthday get himself a stage win and maybe even the yellow jersey for a bit.
The reason this race is so cool is there are so many races within the race. Sure, you betcha, get drawn into to GC drama but don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees. There’s a shit-ton gonna happen in the next three weeks and it’s gonna be good.
Gianni’s Take:
Burned from the all too predicable days of Pharmy, I just don’t care that much about the yellow jersey, Contador or a Schleck – ahhhh, who cares, skinny little bastards. I’m all in for the drama hidden within each day’s race. A stage win in the Tour can make a rider’s career and every stage has unscripted drama: Stuey O’Grady finishing the stage within the time limit, riding in from 100km out with a broken collar bone. Or Magnus Backstead riding in by himself, dropped in the small mountains, finishing beyond the time limit, his number peeled off his jersey and he is ruined. These things happen every day in the Tour.
I like a good spoiler, like Eros Poli on Mount Ventoux, or the spoiler small break that stays away when the last 40km is a high speed tailwind run, ruining a day for the sprinters. I like Rik Verbruggen, flat back, so aero on his bike, hauling ass, a crazy solo bid for glory. I want to see more of that. I would be thrilled to see one of the Garmin roulers win a stage, and I’ll be thrilled if HTC doesn’t win the TTT.
I can schleckulate about a few things: unless Contador and Cavendish get their front wheels tangled up together resulting in a horrendous career threatening crash, both Andy Schleck and Tyler Farrar are doomed. I’m sorry, Andy can’t go fast unless it’s a steep hill (up) and no one is as good a sprinter as Cav, by a lot. Then again, if my schleckulations were worth anything, I wouldn’t be down in the boggy hole that is the low end of the VSP results.
Frank’s Take:
Every year, it happens. Every single year. It has a bitter taste, Disappointment. It sits on the front of your tongue like a small black weight that is surprisingly heavy for its size. Even though you’re not swallowing it, the taste spreads throughout, slowly – into your jaws first, then the rest of your being.
With one exception, I have never had my chips down for a rider who ended up winning – not since 1990, when I was all-in for Greg LeMond. 1991-1995 was Indurain: I favored first Bugno, then Rominger. 1996: Virenque. 1997: Virenque. 1998: Pantani; it was a long shot, but the awesome little dude pulled it off for once in my life. 1999: Zulle. 2000-2004: Ullrich. 2005-2006: Basso. 2007: The Chicken. 2008: Frank Schleck. 2009-2010: The Grimplette. But I continue to favor the dark horse because I know that when I am redeemed, it will be glorious beyond articulation.
This will be that year. Not because I will change my tactic, but because this is the one for les Fréres Grimpeur. It’s a hilly enough race with enough uphill finishes – we all know the skinny boys have a challenge when the road points down. (You’d really think that with all that practicing they do going uphill that they’d occasionally get a chance to practice going down one as well, but those boys descend like first-year amateurs.) Bertie blew the guns at a very difficult Giro and all the Spanish Beef in the world can’t help you recoup from that kind of effort in time for a similarly difficult Tour. Cuddles is a pipe dream borne from the understandably optimistic thoughts from our antipodal brothers and sisters in Oz and Newz. Wiggo, Vande Velde, Gesink, and Van den Broek will all learn how hard it is to pull out a good Tour ride for a second (or first) time when the pressure is truly on.
I’ve also vowed not to get caught up in my propensity to dwell on the fact that Contador should not be in the race. The fact that a rider who failed a dope test in last year’s Tour has been allowed to start is a reflection of the ineffectiveness of Cycling’s governing bodies, not on Bertie. True, I hate him and would be happy to see him not start, but if I were in his shoes, I admit that would start if I was allowed to. And, lets face it: Andy’s win will mean more when it comes with the defeat of Alberto than with a nonstart.
Bummer for Wiggo and Sky.
Putting Frank in for Wiggo.
VSP PICKS:
1. Andy Schleck
2. Cadel Evans
3. Frank Schleck
4. Andreas Kloden
5. Bobby Gesink
Looks like I’ll be pulling Levi out of my top 5.
Was watching Eurosport feed when Cavendish was told live about Wiggo’s Tour being over. He paused and said, “Oh, shit.”
I love hearing that guy talk.
Condolences to Wiggins. Shame to see him out when he really looked like he’s in great form.
VSP PICKS:
1. Ändy Schleck
2. CÄdel
3. SÄnchez
4. BÄsso
5. FrÄnk Schleck
@Erik
I like his emotion. He was clearly taken aback and genuinely sorry to hear that Wiggin’s crashed and abandoned.
Horner got hosed on that stage too. Seems like Klodenizzle is retirement shacks hope now. How crazy would that be?
Update: Horner has finished over 10 minutes down as well, so anyone with him in the picks is also eligible for a swap; eligibility closes at 5am tomorrow.
@Sprider
That’s quite a little lineup you’ve got yourself there. Nicely done.
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. A Schleck
3. Cadel
4. Basso
5. JVDB
@Dr C
Dude, whatever happened to that British “stiff upper lip”, and all that rot? You don’t hear us Yanks crying in our shitty beer over Horner and Levi both taking the piss today… (OK, you may have a point, Horner and Levi are weak cheese compared to Wiggo, but still.)
Chin up old chap!
Big shame for Team Sky, who were actually starting to look like a team. I was even starting to pull for them a little. That said, I had Cuddles crashing himself out of the top five, but he’s looking smart and solid. So I’ll swap him in.
VSP PICKS:
1. Alberto Contador
2. Andy Schleck
3. Jurgen Van Den Broeck
4. Cuddles
5. Frank Schleck
Too bad for Horner. This Tour was his last chance to make noise. Hopefully he isn’t too hurt to take a stage win, if his form is as good as he has been saying.
@sgt @Dr C
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. Andy S
3. Evans
4. Horner
5. Frank S
I gotta put in a member of Team America, so it’s CVV. And since he’s apt to crash, I’m playing the opportunity to rework my picks again at a future date.
Thanks, Frank, for letting the Horner crowd rework our picks.
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. Evans
3. Frank S
4. Andy S
5. CVV
@Aidas
I know. I don’t see how you can not like Cavendish. Sure, it is kinda boring seeing him win again and again and again… but I love his emotion, I love how he always thanks his teammates and gives them full credit. I hope he is around for a long time.
After a huge storm last night that took down telephone poles I had not interweb connection to watch the stage. A damn shame really.
VSP PICKS:
1. Schleck, A
2. Contador
3. cuddles
4. F. Schleck
5. gesink
Trying again.
Hit the wrong button when I was changing riders, kinda F’d everything up. Oh well. at least I’ve still got the Maglia Rosa.
@mcsqueak
Well done! I have the “Carry On” version of that in green. I see it everyday at breakfast. Even though I’m not a member of the Commonwealth, I appreciate the sentiment.
While on the topic of the Commonwealth, I’d like to say the Duchess of Cambridge is quite attractive, or as we Americans like to say, “a stone cold fox”. So’s her sister. Thank you for maintaining your monarchy.
frank, why can i change horner out?? i thought they had to be completely out? but oh well, after today, he may be done
if so, put Kloden in:-)
@Jeff in PetroMetro
While Ms Wales may be “a stone cold fox”, as we say in Scotland “I’ve seen mair meat oan a butcher’s pencil.”
VSP PICKS:
1. Alberto Contador
2. Andy Schleck
3. Ivan Basso
4. Frank Schleck
5. Cadel Evans
VSP PICKS:
1. Andy Schleck
2. Contador
3. Cadel Evans
4. Tony Martin
5. Jurgen Van den Broeck
@Jeff in PetroMetro
Thanks mate! Though what ever happened to Texas leaving the union? Is that a dead idea now… again?
@wiscot
Hah!
Okay, I’m over myself now, stiff pint of V and on we go
Wiggo out (Merckx Bless His Poor Soul), Fronk the Elder in
– hope I can plug in monday from Portugal, to get Endy and Cuddles in, and Spartacus and Veino out, or I’m going to be looking the wrong way come the big bumps
@wiscot
Isn’t she “Mrs.” now? And sure, she’s a little on the thin side, but I like to think it’s not so much a Hollywood eating disorder as a true commitment to fitness. I’m biased as I am overwhelmed by obesity in the PetroMetro. To see a fit woman is, unfortunately, a rare occurence here.
@mcsqueak
Secession gets brought up by Governor Rick Perry now and then. Texas secession doesn’t stand up in the courts. For the most part, it’s a way for Tea Party folks to tell the federal government to fuck off. However, I did hear an interesting point from an energy scheduler at one of the big multinational oil and gas firms here in town: as the power grid is updated here in Texas, it’s being built out in a way that most, if not all power can remain intra-state, should the need arise. Hmmmm.
@mcsqueak +1
Taking advantage of Wiggo’s crash to make another change while I have a free go… Frank’s form is looking the better of the pair, and my Velomihottie pointed out that Andy is too motivated by anger this year, some is good, but too much becomes a negative drain on you…
VSP PICKS:
1. El Steakelero
2. Cuddles
3. Grimplelder
4. Basso
5. Weight of a Nation
@Jeff in PetroMetro
Yup, my mistake. Should have said Mrs Catherine “unemployed benefits-for-a-lifetime uber celebrity” Wales. (Formerly the unemployed college grad Ms Middleton.)
I live in Wisconsin – #16 in the fattest state in the Union according to the latest survey. Almost 27% are deemed too fat to climb. Where does TX rank?
Please Frank…replace Wiggins for Jurgen Van den Broeck…now just waiting Horner to give up also
VSP PICKS:
1. Schleck Jr.
2. Spanish Steak
3. Cadel
4. Jurgen Van den Broeck
5. Horner
Guys, let’s hear it for helmets. Chavanel, Boonen, Brajovic, and Horner all hit their heads this week. Boonen and Brajovic are out as a result of injuries. Obviously, these crashes would/could have been a lot worse without helmets. This link regarding Horner is particularly scary. He doesn’t know where he is, what’s going on after hitting his head. I can’t see him starting tomorrow.
http://video.bicycling.com/video/Chris-Horner-Post-Stage-7-Crash
Wear your helmet!
The baddie from blade runner in for Wiggo – like it’s not too late to be any good. Remember my picks are based on photo ops and Phil and Thor are already killing it. Wiggo was going ok, but cradling your arm on the side of the road isn’t going to win this contest. Cav looking like his Oakleys are about to start crying, might just get him promoted.
VSP PICKS:
1. Cuddles’ Dog vs Journo
2. Gil – Rutger Hauer – Bear
3. Thor’s mighty hammer
4. JENS MOTHER FUNKIN VOIGHT!
5. Whoever runs COTHO into ditch
@wiscot
Holy fuck that is terrifying! How in the hell did he finish the stage being completely incoherent like he was? He’s such a pleasant person in every interview I’ve seen with him, I feel horrible now. Damn.
@wiscot
It has been an age since I have seen anyone not wearing a helmet, but then I live 7 miles from the Connecticut state line and I see the 3/4 of the motorcyclists there without – wtf, but then its sort of darwinian in their case…
i’m gutted for wiggins, any british man worth his salt will be back next year just as strong and wiggo will be, recon VBD will be the man, looks punchy and ready for it
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. Cuddles
3. Van dem Broeck
4. A Schleck
5. Gesink
@wiscot
Man… that’s not good. We have implemented a “no more riding if you hit your head” rule on all club rides… Even if someone can continue, the risk of serious injury from a second fall (and/or so-called “secondary brain injury”) is way too great.
Best wishes to Horner, Wiggo, and everyone else who’s crashed this week (even Alberto).
@Roberto Marques
Roberto, per the rules, Horner fell back more than 10 minutes, so he’s already on the list for swapping out today. Make your changes to Horner by 5am Pacific tomorrow morning.
@wiscot
That is absolutely terrifying.
@Rob
Rob,
Glad to hear it. In this day and age with form and function being more affordable than ever, there’s no excuse.
BTW, I live in Wisconsin – Harley country. I’d say 99% of motorcyclists here don’t wear helmets. The ones I love are the adult riders who go bare-headed but put a helmet on the kid (or wife) on the back.
I can’t believe Radio Shack didn’t pull Horner out. I’m assuming they stopped when he crashed and talked to him. Could they not tell he was concussed? Judging by the video, I can’t imagine he could convince the team he was ok.
@wiscot
@Rob
I’ve become a real helmet-wearing-Nazi (not to be confused with a Nazi-wearing-helmet or Nazi-helmet-wearing) freak. Motorcycle, bike, even skiing now. Not that I think it needs to be legislated, but skiing or motorcycling a modern helmet is just plain more comfortable, in addition to safety.
@wiscot
+1 I see these idiots on bikes all the time around here.
VSP PICKS:
1. A. Schleck
2. A. Kloden
3. Evans
4. C Vandevelde
5. Gilbert
I’ll take advantage of my free switch…
VSP PICKS:
1. Andy
2. Cuddles
3. Klodey
4. Ryder
5. Basso
@sgt
I just read an article the other day that at some rally regarding the wearing of helmets on motorcycles in the states a guy riding an unfamiliar bike fell and was killed. Of course he wasn’t wearing a helmet. I don’t know why but I hate wearing one skateboarding or snowboarding, on a bike it feels right.
@sgt
aye, just makes sense, my mum spent 6 months losing where she was and forgetting why she was doing something (disconcerting when your cooking and have a knife in your hand) after being knocked off the bike, ever since helmets have been an absolute must. they give you a fighting chance
GUTTED for Wiggo… He was in the form of his life… Both physically and mentally. Gutted.
Now, switch Wiggo for GoodCadel in my TdF VSP… Free switch… Awesome I get to include the high pitched Australian with amusing, bum-shaped chin for a free swap now that plucky brit has fallen by wayside (drunk now, irritatingly on rather good NZ Felton Road Pinot)
That’s bikeracing… Go Cav
Btw, if Horner is out too… Am going to have to do this sober… See you in the morning
@Sam
sadly I fear Brad will be concentrating on that lesser event, the Olympics, esp on home turf – hope he decides the TdF is more important, and returns resplendent in handlebar moustache (Rule 50 special exception) and Sky Team smoking jacket jersey
Chapeau Bradley
@wiscot
Don’t know about Texas overall, but in Houston, the University of Texas Health Science Center says 58% of adults and 39% of children are classified as overweight or obese. Houston isn’t a “get outdoors and enjoy the beautiful weather and gorgeous scenery” kind of place. It’s industrial. It’s hot. It’s flat. For the most part, people eat, sit in cars, sit at desks, sit on the couch, stay in air conditioning, and eat processed foods. I know a cardiologist who says he regularly reviews patient charts with “TFTB” written on them. That’s the medical community’s quiet way of saying, “too fat to breathe”.
@Jeff in PetroMetro
Texas’s power grid is already like that. It’s generally intra state and not subject to federal regulation — unlike the rest of the country, it is not interconnected to a regional multistate grid.
@Rob
Texas’ motorcycle helmet law was repealed a few years ago. This gives me a great sense of relief to know that, if I need a liver or an eye or a lung or a kidney, we have a ready supply.
@wiscot
Just looked up the adult obesity list for 2010 by state. Texas is tied with Ohio for 13th. Wisconsin is tied with Alaska for 24th. This was last year and it only considered adults and obesity. At least we’re not Mississippi (Numero Uno).
@Jeff in PetroMetro
Apparently there’s a big effort to stamp out that type of abbreviation in med notes – e.g.
FLK – funny looking kid
FLKNFT – funny looking kid, normal for Tasmania
FITB – f*cked in the head
JPFROG – just plain f*cking ran out of gas
The last of these may shortly have plenty of application in the TdF…